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Will you tell me how to get over friendships? A group of friends, for instance, that I used to hang out with?
I don't think you can/should ever get over people, all relationships evolve, which is why you can probably have a different form of relationship with anyone. Maybe it evolves as more distant, but as long as they are not dead the relationship can exist.
It is not natural to cut off people from your life, but it is natural to evolve / add new people.
Because of the finite amount of time given to everyone, sometimes happens that there is not enough time for evolving in each relationship direction. You can find a smaller bit of time for "ex" relationships if they also want this. However, if they strongly don't want to, then it is not yours to get over it, as there is obviously some resentment from their side.
 

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Will you tell me how to get over friendships? A group of friends, for instance, that I used to hang out with?
You share things with other people that excite you and you find someone who genuinely shares in that excitement. Or, you pay attention to those in your immediate vicinity and wait for one of them to share something that causes you to feel genuine excitement.

I find this is the best way to connect with others. Then you gravitate to them and generally if you've bonded enough they are enthusiastic to bring you into their orbit.

Then, you make the switch. You wall off your old friends. Any time you feel the desire to talk or interact with your old friends, you redirect those impulses towards the new friends. Feel the desire to reminisce on a bonding moment with an old friend? Simply redirect that to a creative impulse to bond with the new. Rinse and repeat and eventually the transition is complete.

Redirecting energy can do amazing things.
 

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You share things with other people that excite you and you find someone who genuinely shares in that excitement. Or, you pay attention to those in your immediate vicinity and wait for one of them to share something that causes you to feel genuine excitement.

I find this is the best way to connect with others. Then you gravitate to them and generally if you've bonded enough they are enthusiastic to bring you into their orbit.

Then, you make the switch. You wall off your old friends. Any time you feel the desire to talk or interact with your old friends, you redirect those impulses towards the new friends. Feel the desire to reminisce on a bonding moment with an old friend? Simply redirect that to a creative impulse to bond with the new. Rinse and repeat and eventually the transition is complete.

Redirecting energy can do amazing things.
They already walled me off.

I can't find anyone with the same interests. Well, that's exactly the thing. Excitement, energy. I used to have one person I could share all of that with. We'd talk for hours, sharing stories and stuff we like. Now that person is gone from my life, probably permanently. Plus it's the one friendship I had that was organic, not forced on either side. I didn't have to strain to reach out and she didn't either. It just happened, we'd hang out and clicked.

Now when I find something beautiful, like a scenery worth photographing, a nice Japanese meal, or a piece of classical music, I get this sinking feeling in my chest and I feel sick. Of course I'd want to share this with her. But I can't anymore. So I'm sick of beauty. I want none of it.

People tell me my emotions are too strong, so I try to both redirect and scatter my affections. This feels very weak and fake to me. I'm reaching out again, when I've already experienced a natural, organic close friendship. And splitting my attention and affection to several substitute people seems disrespectful to them. "Oh hello, I want to enjoy your company because the person I really want isn't around..."

It sounds so cool in theory, but in practice... terrible. Nobody can replace her, ever. And trying to bond with other people just to see who sticks is... frustrating, depressing, and unfair to everyone involved.

It would be cool to find someone I naturally click with, without any watering down or pretending on my part. But what are the chances of that happening?
 

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They already walled me off.

I can't find anyone with the same interests. Well, that's exactly the thing. Excitement, energy. I used to have one person I could share all of that with. We'd talk for hours, sharing stories and stuff we like. Now that person is gone from my life, probably permanently. Plus it's the one friendship I had that was organic, not forced on either side. I didn't have to strain to reach out and she didn't either. It just happened, we'd hang out and clicked.

Now when I find something beautiful, like a scenery worth photographing, a nice Japanese meal, or a piece of classical music, I get this sinking feeling in my chest and I feel sick. Of course I'd want to share this with her. But I can't anymore. So I'm sick of beauty. I want none of it.

People tell me my emotions are too strong, so I try to both redirect and scatter my affections. This feels very weak and fake to me. I'm reaching out again, when I've already experienced a natural, organic close friendship. And splitting my attention and affection to several substitute people seems disrespectful to them. "Oh hello, I want to enjoy your company because the person I really want isn't around..."

It sounds so cool in theory, but in practice... terrible. Nobody can replace her, ever. And trying to bond with other people just to see who sticks is... frustrating, depressing, and unfair to everyone involved.

It would be cool to find someone I naturally click with, without any watering down or pretending on my part. But what are the chances of that happening?
I empathize with your point.

Friendship has never been an issue for me, but as of late, romance has.

I've developed a negative attitude, and I find it difficult to act on the opportunities that present themselves to me and in the back of my head, there are lingering thoughts and feelings about my last failed attempt.

Meanwhile, when it comes to friendship, I am casual and relaxed. I balance between half a dozen friends and I am happy and confident with them all. Why am I so happy in free in friendship and yet so self-sabotaging and stilted with romance? Are they not similar things?

I think perhaps I am shooting myself in the foot on purpose in some form of masochism. Perhaps I feel like I still have more to pay penance for in regards to my last relationship? I just hope I can keep my head up and my heart open. And I hope that I can learn to forgive myself.
 

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I empathize with your point.

Friendship has never been an issue for me, but as of late, romance has.

I've developed a negative attitude, and I find it difficult to act on the opportunities that present themselves to me and in the back of my head, there are lingering thoughts and feelings about my last failed attempt.

Meanwhile, when it comes to friendship, I am casual and relaxed. I balance between half a dozen friends and I am happy and confident with them all. Why am I so happy in free in friendship and yet so self-sabotaging and stilted with romance? Are they not similar things?

I think perhaps I am shooting myself in the foot on purpose in some form of masochism. Perhaps I feel like I still have more to pay penance for in regards to my last relationship? I just hope I can keep my head up and my heart open. And I hope that I can learn to forgive myself.
So... what are we gonna do about those now? Both friendship and further.

It seems that friendship and romance are very much separate for you, while there is a lot of overlap for me. For you, they are not similar things. Maybe because of your last relationship.

To turn a friendship into a romantic relationship with me, all a friend has to do is ask, and I'd probably say yes. I'm very generous with friends if they get close enough. Even to the point of giving out sexual favors - but I decided to stop doing that for good recently. It complicates things too much.

Do I feel casual and relaxed with friends? No, not at all, and my extreme introversion and sensory/mental/emotional limits have a lot to do with this. In short, nothing for me is light. To make and keep things light would be to make fun of this struggle called living. This limits my choice of friends to the very few serious people. Obviously the fun and flighty ones don't want anything to do with me, and I understand. Often what other people consider as friendly banter is already quite annoying, even offensive to me.

A friendship with me has to have a certain "heaviness" in order to work out. That does not mean romance. It might seem intimate to some, but it's my normal way of friendship.
 

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Time. Lots and lots of time. And eventually putting yourself out there and meeting new people, sooner rather than later. It's not fun at first but it pays off in the end.
Very hit and miss. More misses than anything. And awkward for everyone involved.

I'm trying not to fall apart every day. I don't have the luxury of time anymore. There are things that need to be done.

On the other hand, my emotions need an outlet. I want to give. But what and how and to whom?
 

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Very hit and miss. More misses than anything. And awkward for everyone involved.

I'm trying not to fall apart every day. I don't have the luxury of time anymore. There are things that need to be done.

On the other hand, my emotions need an outlet. I want to give. But what and how and to whom?
Hmm, maybe try some apps or website for finding friends? Here's a good list I found: https://www.vix.com/en/apps-internet/527223/forget-dating-these-apps-will-help-you-make-friends

While I haven't used any of these, some people I know have reported success with Bumble BFF and Meetup. It could be worth a shot.

I hope that you are able to find some meaningful connections, and soon!
 

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Hello guys
INTJ female here, I wanted to ask you for advice bc im like losing my mind over this one INFJ guy(I guess he is INFJ)
I have a huge crush on him but he just doesnt approach me in any way
We're both in freshmen in college and we're both studying medicine. In the first week I noticed him staring at me, whenever he had a chance. I didnt look back at him but I felt his stare. Anyway he was hanging out with some girls but he didnt act like he's that close to them more like they are friends. Like they would all go out on a break between lectures and he would stay sitting there alone. Then 2nd week when practice classes started we were put in the same group. He was very cold and distant from everyone. One day I came to practice and he stood there and one other guy also stood there and I said hi and he barely answered and kept staring at his phone. Later guys from practice classes pulled him with them, started hanging out and he left the girls he was hanging out for those guys. But even when he's with them he sometimes comes back to class alone and sits alone and then they join him. 1st month he was staring at me but at practice he ignored me. Until one day when me and my friend were going home and he joined. I was so suprised bc I never saw him approach anyone. Apparently he already knew my friend so it was easier I guess. He didnt talk much though. Second week, the same thing happened on the same day, he walked with us, but my friend had somewhere to go so she left us alone. We were talking but not that much, i cant say it was awkward silence, but it wasnt comfortable talk, either. Anyway next week he went with us again and he started talking to me on informatics classes, but he is so quiet and he speaks like one sentence and thats it. He sat next to me on the last few informatics classes and we had interactions but it wasnt anything special. This week he didnt walk with us home bc it was raining, we both had umbrellas(my friend and I) and he didnt but he just went past us very fast. It was weird.. and few days ago I was going to anatomy classes alone and I saw him going behind me but it was pretty dark it was like 6pm and he didnt want to catch up with me so we can go together.. he isnt looking at me that much anymore, but I look at him every class. He looked at me once very intensly but I couldnt keep the eye contact
Oh yeah and we had a freshmen welcoming party and he was with some guys and 2 girls and I saw him putting his hand around girl's waist once but later he just disappeared and she stayed there. Idk if she's his girlfriend but I was guessing he would be much more close with her if she was his gf
I dont know what to do anymore, I cant read him at all. And the more mysterious he is the more I like him and thats the worst.. pls guys help
What do I do?
 

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Hello guys
INTJ female here, I wanted to ask you for advice bc im like losing my mind over this one INFJ guy(I guess he is INFJ)
I have a huge crush on him but he just doesnt approach me in any way
We're both in freshmen in college and we're both studying medicine. In the first week I noticed him staring at me, whenever he had a chance. I didnt look back at him but I felt his stare. Anyway he was hanging out with some girls but he didnt act like he's that close to them more like they are friends. Like they would all go out on a break between lectures and he would stay sitting there alone. Then 2nd week when practice classes started we were put in the same group. He was very cold and distant from everyone. One day I came to practice and he stood there and one other guy also stood there and I said hi and he barely answered and kept staring at his phone. Later guys from practice classes pulled him with them, started hanging out and he left the girls he was hanging out for those guys. But even when he's with them he sometimes comes back to class alone and sits alone and then they join him. 1st month he was staring at me but at practice he ignored me. Until one day when me and my friend were going home and he joined. I was so suprised bc I never saw him approach anyone. Apparently he already knew my friend so it was easier I guess. He didnt talk much though. Second week, the same thing happened on the same day, he walked with us, but my friend had somewhere to go so she left us alone. We were talking but not that much, i cant say it was awkward silence, but it wasnt comfortable talk, either. Anyway next week he went with us again and he started talking to me on informatics classes, but he is so quiet and he speaks like one sentence and thats it. He sat next to me on the last few informatics classes and we had interactions but it wasnt anything special. This week he didnt walk with us home bc it was raining, we both had umbrellas(my friend and I) and he didnt but he just went past us very fast. It was weird.. and few days ago I was going to anatomy classes alone and I saw him going behind me but it was pretty dark it was like 6pm and he didnt want to catch up with me so we can go together.. he isnt looking at me that much anymore, but I look at him every class. He looked at me once very intensly but I couldnt keep the eye contact
Oh yeah and we had a freshmen welcoming party and he was with some guys and 2 girls and I saw him putting his hand around girl's waist once but later he just disappeared and she stayed there. Idk if she's his girlfriend but I was guessing he would be much more close with her if she was his gf
I dont know what to do anymore, I cant read him at all. And the more mysterious he is the more I like him and thats the worst.. pls guys help
What do I do?
Ask him to grab coffee, or study together sometime.
 

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Will you tell me how to get over friendships? A group of friends, for instance, that I used to hang out with?
Group of people is easier - it can and eventually will be replaced by another group with similar feeling to it. Individuals are harder. They are irreplaceable. The good thing is there are more irreplaceable individuals in the world - so one doesn't have to be alone even after loosing some. It might take some time to meet them though. But it happens. Things feel gloomier when one is very young. Ageing makes things bit more relaxed:)
 

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Is your emotional pain cured with physical pain?
I wouldn't say there is a "cure" for emotional pain. Just mending.
 
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Hi guys,
I'm an INTJ and I met an INFJ (enneagram 2 or possibly 9) online on eharmony 25 days ago. We immediately had a fantastic connection, and things are going really well. He lives really far away from me, about 13 hours by car, but has already flown out to visit me once, and we text, talk on the phone, and facetime regularly. Those are great ways to get to know someone better, but aren't really a substitute for being in person and doing day-to-day things together. I really care about him, and want things to continue to go well, so I'm interested in any insights into having a long-distance relationship with an INFJ, particularly advice on what to avoid or how to make it go well. Thanks!
 

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Dear INFJs, I have been reading this forum for a while but this is my first time starting a conversation. So please excuse me in advance if it is not quite clear.

Since 2 years I am in a relationship with this wonderful, funny, inquisitive person who always made me feel understood and appreciated for what I am (EFNP most probably with undeveloped Fi). Of course, it was not perfect but we were able to compromise. Unfortunately, 2020 began with lots of pressure, work was crazy, along with additional course I was attending, and it took most of my attention. I was coming home completely drained, which led to my boyfriend feeling unappreciated and lacking attention. This made him clingy and jealous, followed by me withdrawing even more. On top of that, I met another guy and I fell head over heels for him, while knowing there's no chance of a long-term relationship with him.. (maybe I see in him exactly what I am missing in my current boyfriend, still not sure what exactly). I know that crushes sometimes happen in long term relationships and as long as I don't act on it, it's fine. But I kept texting him, even went out with him.. and I feel like shit and that I betraying my boyfriend. Yet, I was never that much in love with him to start with. We were friends at first, with him being pretty clear about his feelings but I just didn't feel attracted to him. With the time I got to know him better and discovered his beautiful heart and personality. And I decided to give it a try. Now I wonder if if fell in love with him or with his adoration for me, or both.

So with me being in a constant Ni-To loop, I am not sure how to feel about this. I feel like I will never get enough of a relationship, and I can't make my boyfriend live up to my standards his whole life. I read that we INFJs don't need advice but validation for our feelings and I feel bad for not being able to give him what he needs in a relationship. Or I am just to lazy to work it out and use my romantic idealism to justify my actions? I am just so anxious constantly and this has already impacted my work and motivation for anything.. How can I get out if this and make the right decision?
 
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