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Hi guys,
I'm an INTJ and I met an INFJ (enneagram 2 or possibly 9) online on eharmony 25 days ago. We immediately had a fantastic connection, and things are going really well. He lives really far away from me, about 13 hours by car, but has already flown out to visit me once, and we text, talk on the phone, and facetime regularly. Those are great ways to get to know someone better, but aren't really a substitute for being in person and doing day-to-day things together. I really care about him, and want things to continue to go well, so I'm interested in any insights into having a long-distance relationship with an INFJ, particularly advice on what to avoid or how to make it go well. Thanks!
I don't have any good advice to give really, I'm sorry. I just wanted to mention how important connection is to us. That requires continuous, meaningful communication. Maintain that and you should be good. :redface-new: Good luck!
 

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Dear INFJs, I have been reading this forum for a while but this is my first time starting a conversation. So please excuse me in advance if it is not quite clear.

Since 2 years I am in a relationship with this wonderful, funny, inquisitive person who always made me feel understood and appreciated for what I am (EFNP most probably with undeveloped Fi). Of course, it was not perfect but we were able to compromise. Unfortunately, 2020 began with lots of pressure, work was crazy, along with additional course I was attending, and it took most of my attention. I was coming home completely drained, which led to my boyfriend feeling unappreciated and lacking attention. This made him clingy and jealous, followed by me withdrawing even more. On top of that, I met another guy and I fell head over heels for him, while knowing there's no chance of a long-term relationship with him.. (maybe I see in him exactly what I am missing in my current boyfriend, still not sure what exactly). I know that crushes sometimes happen in long term relationships and as long as I don't act on it, it's fine. But I kept texting him, even went out with him.. and I feel like shit and that I betraying my boyfriend. Yet, I was never that much in love with him to start with. We were friends at first, with him being pretty clear about his feelings but I just didn't feel attracted to him. With the time I got to know him better and discovered his beautiful heart and personality. And I decided to give it a try. Now I wonder if if fell in love with him or with his adoration for me, or both.

So with me being in a constant Ni-To loop, I am not sure how to feel about this. I feel like I will never get enough of a relationship, and I can't make my boyfriend live up to my standards his whole life. I read that we INFJs don't need advice but validation for our feelings and I feel bad for not being able to give him what he needs in a relationship. Or I am just to lazy to work it out and use my romantic idealism to justify my actions? I am just so anxious constantly and this has already impacted my work and motivation for anything.. How can I get out if this and make the right decision?
Idk, I don't think many INFJ females are often good partners. I think we are better off single. I've read that we test as one of the most unsatisfied types in relationships. I can only think of extreme idealism as the cause for this. It seems to be more of a thing with the females, though. The INFJ men often seem to be so committed, thoughtful & content in relationships. A pool of self-sacrifice & giving, putting their partners on a pedestal. I don't usually see this theme with the women. I see mostly some form of discontentment from the women.

In regards to your situation, it seems like a "grass is greener" situation. I'm guessing you are idealising this other guy because you are not happy in your current relationship. Which is a self-fullfilling prophesy, only serving to further feed your discontentment with your current partner. Comparing the two. It doesn't seem like you should be with either of them. You made a good number of excuses- for what I can only assume to try and justify in your head the situation with the new guy. (To be clear, I'm not judging you for that. :redface-new: Just pointing it out.) I don't blame you at all for feeling turned-off by clingy & jealous, that is very unappealing. That said, if he was a priority to you in the first place, those behaviors probably wouldn't be an issue because you'd have made sure he felt secure in the relationship. The kind thing to do is just acknowledge you've simply fallen out of love (or whatever it was on your end) & break up with him. It doesn't seem like you love him, and it isn't fair to him to continue a relationship.

As for the other guy- if you were single & could date him, would he still be so appealing? Or do you think you find him so desirable because he's forbidden fruit?

Good luck, and I wish you the best!
 

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@Kelly Kapowski, I totally agree with you that we are better off single. Actually, I am very aware that there is no chance of a long-term relationship with this other guy. Just not somebody who I can connect with on a deeper level. But he seems to give me exactly what I am missing in my current relationship. So, I understand that on a rational level but then…

... if he was a priority to you in the first place, those behaviors probably wouldn't be an issue because you'd have made sure he felt secure in the relationship.
I both agree and disagree with you on this. It is my responsibility to show him that I am reliable and that he is the most important man in my life. Yet, it is his responsibility to decide whether to trust me. And if he does, I expect him to really do it. I never gave him a reason to doubt me (until now...). But I think he doesn't feel he deserves me and that I am out of his league. Which is bullshit for me but it seems to bother him on a deeper level.

As for the other guy- if you were single & could date him, would he still be so appealing? Or do you think you find him so desirable because he's forbidden fruit?
I have thought a lot about this and the short answer is "yes".

Please have in mind that I don’t want to argue with you or find excuses for my behavior. I understand that I have a problem and your reply was very helpful to pinpoint some of my faults. Thank you! :heart:
 

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@Kelly Kapowski, I totally agree with you that we are better off single. Actually, I am very aware that there is no chance of a long-term relationship with this other guy. Just not somebody who I can connect with on a deeper level. But he seems to give me exactly what I am missing in my current relationship. So, I understand that on a rational level but then…
Gotcha sriracha. Well if you both make each other happy right now, then why not. If you both know it's not going to go anywhere long term and can both just enjoy it for what it is right now, then soak that up. :redface:

Hmmmm. That paragraph is missing something. Mayhaps it's the word both. YES THAT IS IT IT NEEDS MORE BOOOOTHHHHH geez louise me :rolleyes:


I both agree and disagree with you on this. It is my responsibility to show him that I am reliable and that he is the most important man in my life. Yet, it is his responsibility to decide whether to trust me. And if he does, I expect him to really do it. I never gave him a reason to doubt me (until now...). But I think he doesn't feel he deserves me and that I am out of his league. Which is bullshit for me but it seems to bother him on a deeper level.
Very true. It's important to build each other up in a relationship, but it's not healthy or fair to you for his confidence to be dependent on you. Also a big turn-off.


I have thought a lot about this and the short answer is "yes".

Please have in mind that I don’t want to argue with you or find excuses for my behavior. I understand that I have a problem and your reply was very helpful to pinpoint some of my faults. Thank you! :heart:
No way jose, I don't think you sound like you're trying to argue at all. I hope you didn't think I was. I didn't want you to feel judged, I just wanted to try to respectfully point out some things I noticed. You seem pretty aware of them already, though. I'll say this-I can relate to a lot of what you've said. More than I'm going to say here. If you want to talk further, feel free to pm me! Hope you have a wonderful day & good luck, @Analemma :redface-new:
 

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Do INFJ's work well together in intimate relationships?
I think communication could be a problem. I could see it having great potential, but would take a lot of patience & understanding.

Edit: Nvm. I think that's the case for an INFJ in every relationship, no matter the type it's with. I frustrate the shit out of myself.
 

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Nvm. I think that's the case for an INFJ in every relationship, no matter the type it's with. I frustrate the shit out of myself.
That's harsh :s don't you think every type have to deal with their own flaws in love relationships in particular? Love relationship is just difficult i guess but even for drops of happiness we have to struggle ;)
 

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That's harsh :s don't you think every type have to deal with their own flaws in love relationships in particular? Love relationship is just difficult i guess but even for drops of happiness we have to struggle ;)
FIRST OF ALL welcome!! :jazz:

AND SECONDLY I don't really have a secondly, I guess. :redface: Everyone do be flawed. I tend to be very self-deprecating, I think that comment was more directed at myself than INFJ's as a whole. though i do think many infj's have an extra dose of stupid in relationships
 

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At best it will determine how a relationship looks, but generally speaking, it means nothing at all.
Especially at the beginning of a relationship when you're filled with crazy hormones and wearing masks to seduce the person and if you're planning on settling down, it could be an important information...😉 At least to know which difficulties you'll have to face. Don't know I probably just wish I have known about mbti earlier in order to improve my relationship...
 

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Have any of you male INFJs tried online dating?

So far we have a lot in common, he asks lots of questions and so do I. (Sometimes our messages get embarrassingly long). He only texts once every 24-48 hours but we have a large time difference and definitely cover a lot of topics in one message. I guess what I'm getting to is that I (being the extroverted one) would like to graduate into phone calls sooner than later just to get a better feel of how we connect. How soon is too soon? Would you be put off or unnerved if the girl made the first move? Or even to call at all?
 

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Is a simple but caring ‘how are you?’ An annoying question? My INFJ friend seems to hate it. I was just curious if other INFJ’s find closed end questions annoying to answer too.
 

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Is a simple but caring ‘how are you?’ An annoying question? My INFJ friend seems to hate it. I was just curious if other INFJ’s find closed end questions annoying to answer too.
this question would annoy/frustrate me if i sense that the asker isn't being genuine - that they're asking just to ask and don't really care about my response. i dread the feeling of expressing myself honestly and seeing the listener's eyes glaze over, so in these scenarios, i just go through the motions of "great, how are you?" in a very boring, rote way.

BUT, if it's coming from someone i know truly cares about me, this question definitely wouldn't annoy me, and i wouldn't perceive it as a closed question! when close friends ask this i answer honestly and just dive right into the deep end of whatever messy life stuff i'm currently thinking about. and then i ask them!
 

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I always ask "how are you" to others, because I care about keeping harmony in every situation and making sure people are always okay. That's the Fe part for you. Yet, when it's asked back to me, I don't always know how to respond. It's such a simple question that I don't always feel like answering simply, sometimes the simplest questions can be the most frustrating for an overthinker like me.
 

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@FeliciteM

Yes I have tried and had some success. I have met my GF after a week after I started online dating and we have been together for about 10-11 years now.

Definitely hate phone calls...when someone is calling me or when I have to call others.

If you call me then I would expect that you have something to say or ask instead of expecting me to carry the conversation or entertain you because you are bored.

Probably this question should be asked toward your potential partner instead of asking people online. Have you tried asking him how he is with phone calls or if he prefers text or meet in person? or if he would be ok if you called and had a short chat? Isn't that the part of the "getting to know each other"? no wonder people fuck up relationships...they be like "who are you?" "I its like I don't even know you..."
 

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@FeliciteM

Yes I have tried and had some success. I have met my GF after a week after I started online dating and we have been together for about 10-11 years now.

Definitely hate phone calls...when someone is calling me or when I have to call others.

If you call me then I would expect that you have something to say or ask instead of expecting me to carry the conversation or entertain you because you are bored.

Probably this question should be asked toward your potential partner instead of asking people online. Have you tried asking him how he is with phone calls or if he prefers text or meet in person? or if he would be ok if you called and had a short chat? Isn't that the part of the "getting to know each other"? no wonder people fuck up relationships...they be like "who are you?" "I its like I don't even know you..."
I definitely plan on asking him! I suppose the question is more about me than him. I’m so used to coming off too strong without meaning to. I really like this guy and don’t want to accidentally scare him away by being too forthcoming. Lol
 

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Hello everyone. I hope its okay to be here since I am not an INFJ and I'm new. After the all the research I have done on this personality type, I have to say that right here and now I am extremely intimidated to be in the same forum as all of you. But its still very exciting and I am beyond fascinated.
I feel like I may be intruding on your 'turf' so I will not post anything more until I get the green light from, well, anyone here :)

Thanks
 

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Hello everyone. I hope its okay to be here since I am not an INFJ and I'm new. After the all the research I have done on this personality type, I have to say that right here and now I am extremely intimidated to be in the same forum as all of you. But its still very exciting and I am beyond fascinated.
I feel like I may be intruding on your 'turf' so I will not post anything more until I get the green light from, well, anyone here :)

Thanks
Hello :) Don't feel intimidated, we are all just people like you, and most of the people in here are so nice. Also welcome to the forum, I can't speak for anyone else, but people in here (on perc) don't seem to only stay within their mbti-types forum so you wouldn't be the first to post "in here". But I guess it wouldn't hurt to get the green light from others in here, if that would make you feel more at ease :)
 
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