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do we always have to be so...shy? I mean, yeah shy like we cant even dare to do something because we afraid we might be rejected or that the other person will think something nasty about us...

I had my first kiss yesterday but I was too damn nervous to "take the lead", I mean guys are always supposed to start, but I was too nervous and didnt do anything, I couldnt ask her or give it to her, so the girl just jumped onto me and we started kissing but I think she would have liked it better if I would have started.

so is every INFJ having this problem or is it just me?
Hello :) Don't feel intimidated, we are all just people like you, and most of the people in here are so nice. Also welcome to the forum, I can't speak for anyone else, but people in here (on perc) don't seem to only stay within their mbti-types forum so you wouldn't be the first to post "in here". But I guess it wouldn't hurt to get the green light from others in here, if that would make you feel more at ease :)
Hello :) Don't feel intimidated, we are all just people like you, and most of the people in here are so nice. Also welcome to the forum, I can't speak for anyone else, but people in here (on perc) don't seem to only stay within their mbti-types forum so you wouldn't be the first to post "in here". But I guess it wouldn't hurt to get the green light from others in here, if that would make you feel more at ease :)
Well thank you for those kind words. I have been clicking around and sometimes I have trouble understanding the description types and I have no idea what the 9w3 and such actually mean! I do enjoy reading comments so as to better understand people in general however this INTJ type is especially interesting, like big time.
Being an extrovert does make me self conscious to some degree especially around the introverts because there is so much that lies beneath the surface and it goes very deep. But that is what is so cool and makes me beyond curious.
 

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9w3 is an enneagram reference. Google it. the first number referer to being a type nine with a 3 wing. in short w3, which doens't make a lot of sence since the wing usually goes the one of the sides so either 8 or 1. Trump is an 8 (I've been told) and 1 is the perfectionist, but I'm far from an expert :)
 

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Hi, i'm not sure if this is connected to me being INFJ, cause i'm new to this community, but heyyy i'll try my luck here.
I've never had a boyfriend, until very recently. I really like this guy, but i'm not sure if in this way everyone else like their significant others.
So always, when i had some feelings towards anybody i felt it really hard and i knew it was real. But my weird ass never could make any move with them. So i was left with the feeling, which was really strong and unrequited. It made me sad ofc but also feel like some sort of hopeless romantic, cause i knew my it was true. I have never ended up with anyone i liked this way (i felt this way maybe 2-3 times in my life, so its not like i have a crush on some random guy every 5 seconds ;p).
But with my current boyfriend i have never had this feeling. It's more like: oh, i feel happy when he tells me cute stuff or we kiss or anything. But i have never felt this strong feeling. I dont know if that means that i dont love him or that i will never be able to do this.
I know he really likes me so i dont want to hurt him later.

Also sorry if i made any mistakes, english isn't my first language ;ppp
 

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So I Met an INFJ or..

My question is directed towards the women of this type but any insight would be appreciated right now.

So I’ve been talking to this woman/girl for two months now. She recently revealed she tested as an INFJ, and the description matches some of our interactions together.

Now I have some questions.

Do yall just send touchy feely love songs to just anyone?
Do you personally collect ‘safe’ friends of the opposite sex to avoid ever having to be alone?
Do you play the field? Or test the waters or something? Am I even making sense right now?
Do you know how to hook someone in, regardless if you have little to no interest in someone?
 

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So I Met an INFJ or..

My question is directed towards the women of this type but any insight would be appreciated right now.

So I’ve been talking to this woman/girl for two months now. She recently revealed she tested as an INFJ, and the description matches some of our interactions together.

Now I have some questions.
Welcome to the INFJ forum :)

Do yall just send touchy feely love songs to just anyone?
Nope. Music means a lot to me. I'd guess that if she's sending you touchy/feely love songs, she cares quite a bit for you. :) That it's her way of sharing with you how she's feeling without actually saying the words. That's just an opinion based off of how I am though, she could be completely different.

Do you personally collect ‘safe’ friends of the opposite sex to avoid ever having to be alone?
No. But I'm married, so idk. However I never did that before nor could I see myself doing it ever.

Do you play the field? Or test the waters or something? Am I even making sense right now?
Haha sure, you're making sense. Maybe if one isn't understanding the question, the fault lies with them & their interpretation.

I test everyone & everything. Always have. 😖 That is prob a me thing & not an INFJ thing though.

I wouldn't have multiple partners at the same time. That would be overwhelming & unenjoyable to me. I think majority of us look for/want deep connection with 1 person. That said, finding that person usually does require "dating" (playing the field).

Do you know how to hook someone in, regardless if you have little to no interest in someone?
Do you mean do I know how to "encourage" someone to like me? I'd say in general, yes. Most people are pretty easy to read. It's a form of manipulation though, and while it has its place & can come in handy, it's a slippery slope.

Wouldn't ever do that to someone I wasn't interested in. That's selfish & mean.




Are there reasons you're questioning her sincerity? Has she done something to make you question whether or not she's being genuine? Or are you just worried/trying to figure out where she stands? It sounds like maybe you just need some clarification on where the two of you stand. Have you had the discussion?

I would recommend just being direct with her & asking. I know this can be super hard to do, but I really, really respect directness & will do everything I can to make the other person feel comfortable & know I appreciate it with my response. It may catch me off guard & I may need some time to respond, but I will try to be as thoughtful as possible so you don't feel silly. I am very concerned about other's feelings, I would never want to hurt someone. Good luck!! :)
 

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A few things came to mind, perhaps the test was inaccurate, her traits altered over time, or even her traits were more balanced like an IXXJ IXFX whatever. So I want to see if what I’m imagining could be a common thing for INFJs.



With regards to me questioning her sincerity, I know she’s capable of making herself unavailable, AKA offline, to persons while still having conversations with other(s). I saw it with my own two eyes, invisible status while we chatted all day long.



I suppose I’m worried about having the discussion. I thought it would be too soon. Especially since we’ve already had discussions that set tones and boundaries. Fairly recent too.



There’s been some recent conversations to develop mutual understandings. Nothing in terms of actual relationship status or feelings. Unless calling me an acquaintance counts, jokingly calling me a fanboy afterwards. She’s intentionally keeping me outside of her inner circle of friends (her words paraphrased).



She’s put me at a certain distance, which is not so far but isn’t necessarily to my liking. She probably reaches out to me on average of twice a week, but that’s only when I haven’t tried communicating with her.



She seems like someone lacking in motivation, which I believe relates mainly to the current pandemic and her age. She talks alot about her younger years, and has been in a stricter lockdown for sometime now.



I think she’s very much aware of how I feel, or something. I haven’t said anything, but I’ve done things. I’ve acted on it. If this were an economy, I’d be trading hundreds for every dollar she sends my way.
 

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A few things came to mind, perhaps the test was inaccurate, her traits altered over time, or even her traits were more balanced like an IXXJ IXFX whatever. So I want to see if what I’m imagining could be a common thing for INFJs.
Traits altered over time? There could be a lot of reasons for this. Just her feeling more comfortable with you & letting walls down would be a big one, I'd think. If she is an INFJ, it could also just be how she is. I have been jokingly called bipolar many times. I can kind of be all over the place. 🥴

With regards to me questioning her sincerity, I know she’s capable of making herself unavailable, AKA offline, to persons while still having conversations with other(s). I saw it with my own two eyes, invisible status while we chatted all day long.
Do you think that's a bad thing? That she is capable of making herself unavailable? Are you saying you interpret it as her being insincere?

If so, I don't quite understand that mindset. I don't think it's reasonable to expect people to be available at all times for anyone. Everyone should be able to choose for themselves whom they wish to speak to & when, and not feel bad for making themselves unavailable sometimes. Just my opinion though. :)


I suppose I’m worried about having the discussion. I thought it would be too soon. Especially since we’ve already had discussions that set tones and boundaries. Fairly recent too.
(y)


There’s been some recent conversations to develop mutual understandings. Nothing in terms of actual relationship status or feelings. Unless calling me an acquaintance counts, jokingly calling me a fanboy afterwards. She’s intentionally keeping me outside of her inner circle of friends (her words paraphrased).
Calling you an acquaintance & fanboy 😮, that doesn't sound like a funny joke at all. 😑 I hope you gave it back to her. She's intentionally keep you outside of her circle of friends? That sounds odd.


She’s put me at a certain distance, which is not so far but isn’t necessarily to my liking. She probably reaches out to me on average of twice a week, but that’s only when I haven’t tried communicating with her.
Yes, this is a tricky area to try to gauge another's interest. I rarely initiate. I can really, really like someone & still not initiate. I won't waste your time explaining the "why's" about it, but just consider that it's maybe not an indicator of how she's feeling about you.


She seems like someone lacking in motivation, which I believe relates mainly to the current pandemic and her age. She talks alot about her younger years, and has been in a stricter lockdown for sometime now.
Yes, funks are common for us I think. 😕

She talks a lot about her younger years? Huh.


I think she’s very much aware of how I feel, or something. I haven’t said anything, but I’ve done things. I’ve acted on it. If this were an economy, I’d be trading hundreds for every dollar she sends my way.
Well I would say don't count on it. The over-analyzing can get in the way of that & can make us quite oblivious to how someone is feeling about us. Essentially over-thinking certain behaviors to such an extreme that we talk ourselves out of/into other reasons for the behavior/actions. I'm not explaining this well. I'd just say don't assume it's so obvious to her.

Would you mind giving some examples of things you've done that you believe to be expressions of how you're feeling?Don't have to if you don't feel like it though, I understand. :) I'm just curious if it would be so obvious to others.
 

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Traits altered over time? There could be a lot of reasons for this. Just her feeling more comfortable with you & letting walls down would be a big one, I'd think. If she is an INFJ, it could also just be how she is. I have been jokingly called bipolar many times. I can kind of be all over the place. 🥴
Regarding type, I originally tested as an INTP in high school, but tested more recently as an ISFP. The second test took its results from my work habits, which feel more accurate to me. So if I was miss-tested, why not others? She made it sound like she took the test a loong time ago. That’s what I was talking about.

This is the reason it feels important to compare her to other INFJs.





Do you think that's a bad thing? That she is capable of making herself unavailable? Are you saying you interpret it as her being insincere?

If so, I don't quite understand that mindset. I don't think it's reasonable to expect people to be available at all times for anyone. Everyone should be able to choose for themselves whom they wish to speak to & when, and not feel bad for making themselves unavailable sometimes. Just my opinion though.


She's intentionally keep you outside of her circle of friends? That sounds odd.
Regarding insincerity and trust, I don’t have anything against making oneself unavailable to others or myself, I don’t find that insincere in of itself. It’s the thought that she could be doing that to me. That’s what makes me worry and leads to other concerns. I don’t view her as an insincere person, I want to believe in what she’s shown me, despite being left out of her inner circle.

As I said, this all feels sudden. Which is what’s throwing me off. Even she called me an acquaintance.

I’m thinking my main concern here is, ‘Am I seeing/experiencing what I think I’m seeing/experiencing, or could I be mistaken? Even worse, could I have been deceived?’ It all can feel too good to be true at times.

Also, thoughts that this could be the way she treats every new friend/acquaintance worry me. I can’t really prove whether or not that’s the case.





Calling you an acquaintance & fanboy 😮, that doesn't sound like a funny joke at all. 😑I hope you gave it back to her. She's intentionally keep you outside of her circle of friends? That sounds odd.


Would you mind giving some examples of things you've done that you believe to be expressions of how you're feeling?Don't have to if you don't feel like it though, I understand. I'm just curious if it would be so obvious to others.
Regarding the joke and expressing myself, the fanboy joke is referring to the fact that I commented on all her photos. Some funny, some flirty, and some compliments.

I’ve told her multiple times that she is beautiful, and have sent her my own little love song, a response to her fanboy joke. She received it well. I do my best to occupy her time on occasion.

I would argue the frequency of me trying to create conversation, despite her being unwilling at times, is a clear enough sign.





Yes, this is a tricky area to try to gauge another's interest. I rarely initiate. I can really, really like someone & still not initiate. I won't waste your time explaining the "why's" about it, but just consider that it's maybe not an indicator of how she's feeling about you.
So the frequency of our exchanges may not directly reflect how she feels about me?





Yes, funks are common for us I think. 😕

She talks a lot about her younger years? Huh.
Yes. I called her out on it once. Saying she should stop comparing herself to her younger self. She humbly agreed.

She’s called herself pessimistic before, but more recently called herself optimistic. She contradicts herself as often as anyone does.
 

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Regarding type, I originally tested as an INTP in high school, but tested more recently as an ISFP. The second test took its results from my work habits, which feel more accurate to me. So if I was miss-tested, why not others? She made it sound like she took the test a loong time ago. That’s what I was talking about.

This is the reason it feels important to compare her to other INFJs.
Oh ok, gotcha sriracha (y)

Sure, mistypes are common.


Regarding insincerity and trust, I don’t have anything against making oneself unavailable to others or myself, I don’t find that insincere in of itself. It’s the thought that she could be doing that to me. That’s what makes me worry and leads to other concerns. I don’t view her as an insincere person, I want to believe in what she’s shown me, despite being left out of her inner circle.

As I said, this all feels sudden. Which is what’s throwing me off. Even she called me an acquaintance.

I’m thinking my main concern here is, ‘Am I seeing/experiencing what I think I’m seeing/experiencing, or could I be mistaken? Even worse, could I have been deceived?’ It all can feel too good to be true at times.

Also, thoughts that this could be the way she treats every new friend/acquaintance worry me. I can’t really prove whether or not that’s the case.
Would you mind sharing the context in which she called you an aquaintance?

Right, your concerns are understandable. Questioning is natural. You don't want to get hurt.

Is this an online relationship thus far? Have you met in person?



Regarding the joke and expressing myself, the fanboy joke is referring to the fact that I commented on all her photos. Some funny, some flirty, and some compliments.
Okee dokee artichokee, this makes a bit more sense. She was flirting back with you. Possibly testing. I wonder if the "aquaintance" & "fanboy" comments were said to see what your reaction would be. Trying to force your hand a bit at addressing the issue or what your perception of the relationship is, if that makes sense.

I’ve told her multiple times that she is beautiful, and have sent her my own little love song, a response to her fanboy joke. She received it well. I do my best to occupy her time on occasion.
This is very thoughtful & sweet. +52,379 points to you.

I would argue the frequency of me trying to create conversation, despite her being unwilling at times, is a clear enough sign.
I would argue that this is not a clear sign to her. I can elaborate why if you would like.

The "despite her being unwilling at times" is a bit of a red flag imo though. 😬 Can you expand on that please?



So the frequency of our exchanges may not directly reflect how she feels about me?
Does she usually get back to you fairly quickly when you initiate? Does she stay engaged or kind of give half-ass responses?


Yes. I called her out on it once. Saying she should stop comparing herself to her younger self. She humbly agreed.

She’s called herself pessimistic before, but more recently called herself optimistic. She contradicts herself as often as anyone does.
Good for you. Good she responded well to it too. For myself, I value friends & partners willing to bring to my attention/correct me when I'm wrong. It stings, I don't like it, but I see it's value & know it's an important part of learning & growing. So don't be afraid to be honest with her. :)

Contradictions- yeah, everyone does it. Completely depends on the mood at the time.
 

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Would you mind sharing the context in which she called you an aquaintance?
So we were in the middle of our conversation regarding boundaries. She said she was gonna keep me off certain channels for now and that she hoped I would understand. It was a conversation prompted by me commenting on all her photos.

I told her I understood, and how she was justified since I was a total stranger.

She then corrected me and called me an acquaintance.


Is this an online relationship thus far? Have you met in person?
We have yet to meet in person, she lives on the opposite side of the country unfortunately.

We met while playing video games.


Okee dokee artichokee, this makes a bit more sense. She was flirting back with you. Possibly testing. I wonder if the "aquaintance" & "fanboy" comments were said to see what your reaction would be. Trying to force your hand a bit at addressing the issue or what your perception of the relationship is, if that makes sense.
I hope I haven’t missed an opportunity. I was worried about pushing her too far considering the context of our chat.


This is very thoughtful & sweet. +52,379 points to you.
Thanks


I would argue that this is not a clear sign to her. I can elaborate why if you would like.
Sure, I suppose it could help.

I think I have her fairly understood, which is that she wants a bit more space considering the speed at which this all happened; Something she is partly responsible for.


The "despite her being unwilling at times" is a bit of a red flag imo though. 😬Can you expand on that please?

Does she usually get back to you fairly quickly when you initiate? Does she stay engaged or kind of give half-ass responses?
Her response and the length of conversations fluctuate. The more we talk the less willing she seems to be.

For example, we spent all day together playing games once. The next day she was just offline. Over time, we start talking more and more again.

But yeah she’ll give those half-assed responses accordingly. Other times she’ll drop a video or mention something that happened that day.


Good for you. Good she responded well to it too. For myself, I value friends & partners willing to bring to my attention/correct me when I'm wrong. It stings, I don't like it, but I see it's value & know it's an important part of learning & growing. So don't be afraid to be honest with her.
I have noticed this.
 

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@YearseRayneDon:

As an INFJ myself, I tend to react well when people are straightforward with me.
So instead of questioning all her actions and trying to figure out her feelings for you, I suggest you to do it the straightforward way. Confess to her about your romantic feelings, and tell her that you want her to be your girlfriend, and then see how she reacts. If she has any romantic feelings for you, she will say yes. But if she doesn't have any romantic feelings for you, then she will turn you down politely and continue to treat you the same way as before. Although rejection is scary, but this would also help you to move on quickly, if she isn't interested in you.
 

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So we were in the middle of our conversation regarding boundaries. She said she was gonna keep me off certain channels for now and that she hoped I would understand. It was a conversation prompted by me commenting on all her photos.

I told her I understood, and how she was justified since I was a total stranger.

She then corrected me and called me an acquaintance.
Ok, thanks for the extra info. This helps me understand her POV much more. If someone I just became friends with commented on all of my photos I would be a bit alarmed & keep them at arm's length.

So in this example, her calling you an acquaintance is actually an upgrade (in reference to you calling yourself a "total stranger". It sounds like she was trying to reassure you. Whilst trying to figure out if you're safe or not.


We have yet to meet in person, she lives on the opposite side of the country unfortunately.

We met while playing video games.
(y)


I hope I haven’t missed an opportunity. I was worried about pushing her too far considering the context of our chat.
Ok I'd say no. Having a bit more info now, I'd think you're better keeping it slow. The aquaintance comment makes more sense now, initially I thought she was being a brat but really she was being kind. Fanboy still seems like flirting/testing. That combined with she sends you lovey music leads me to think she definitely cares for you, but you are best off continuing at a slow pace & showing her you are safe & trustworthy.



I think I have her fairly understood, which is that she wants a bit more space considering the speed at which this all happened; Something she is partly responsible for.
Sounds like you're on the right track. The bolded- are you saying she went fast early on too? If she did, and she's pulling back now, there could be a couple reasons for that. Losing interest, something happened that worried her. Idk, that's something to be mindful of.


Sure, I suppose it could help.
Ok, I'll try to explain myself clearly & keep it succinct. Apologies if it's not. I changed my mind on how much I wanted to share. I'll just say this- despite being married I have had occasions where male friends have confessed feelings for me. Each time I suspected it to be the case based off of certain behaviors, but ignored that & told myself I was being a super huge vain boob imagining things & came up with excuses for the behavior because they knew I was married & I always made it clear we were just friends. Looking back, there were certain things that clearly showed they cared a good deal for me, which I noticed but talked myself out of.

What I'm saying is, unless you directly say the words to her, she will probably come up with a million different reasons/excuses for your behavior. I'm guessing she knows in her gut how you feel, but won't allow herself believe it until it's verbally confirmed. I think most people are like this, really. If there's room for confusion, we'll make it confusing.


Her response and the length of conversations fluctuate. The more we talk the less willing she seems to be.

For example, we spent all day together playing games once. The next day she was just offline. Over time, we start talking more and more again.

But yeah she’ll give those half-assed responses accordingly. Other times she’ll drop a video or mention something that happened that day.
Yeah that makes it hard to tell. She could be silent the next day because the previous day was a lot for her & she just needed a break. She could have been spending time with another friend. I get easily overhwhelmed by people always reaching out to me. I can't handle engaging in multiple conversations at one time. Every day I have people wanting to chat & it actually turns me off. It makes me feel overwhelmed & resentful towards them eventually.😖 I just want to be by myself. 😬 THAT SAID- there are 2 people that don't fit into this category. Generally, I'd talk to them anytime, all the time. I prioritize them above everything else. (yEt I sTilL dOn'T rEaCh OuT tO tHeM) I will get back to them quickly & don't mind interrupting what I'm doing to respond.

She for sure at least cares for you. I'm just not sure on what level.


I have noticed this.
It sounds like you're a smart guy & reading her well/on the right track. Trust yourself I guess. But again, I'd encourage you to just be upfront with her. Otherwise things will just continue to be confusing. It doesn't have to be anything big, just throw out an "I really enjoy spending time with you. I value our friendship & am interested in maybe making it more somewhere down the road, if you're interested." Simple, clear, respectful. I promise you she will only respect you more afterwards if you said something like this, even if she isn't interested in you romantically. In fact, just the directness & willingness to be vulnerable would probably be quite attractive to her. Just my two cents. Good luck, uncertainty can be the worst. 😣
 

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@Kelly Kapowski I think those words you gave are perfect. Probably better than what I could’ve said. Thank you.

“I really enjoy spending time with you. I value our friendship & am interested in maybe making it more somewhere down the road, if you're interested.”

Well, things are running smoothly. Giving her space seems to be the right approach. It seems like I just have to be patient. I’ll survive.
 

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@Kelly Kapowski I think those words you gave are perfect. Probably better than what I could’ve said. Thank you.

“I really enjoy spending time with you. I value our friendship & am interested in maybe making it more somewhere down the road, if you're interested.”

Well, things are running smoothly. Giving her space seems to be the right approach. It seems like I just have to be patient. I’ll survive.
Best wishes! Please keep us updated. :)
 

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Are INFJs so inquisitive because they are interested in the subject or the person?
That’s a really good question. It’s both, but it also depends on the situation. If I don’t know you, as on PerC for example, it’s the subject. Initially, anyway. I really enjoy breaking down a scenario with a person & trying to understand a situation. In order to do that, you have to ask questions. Though I’d say generally through that process you get to know them, and that can trigger interest in the person. In the end, I often end up caring about them & wanting the best for them.

If I know you, it’s because I care about you. But also the subject because analyzing things sparks my insides. I have found there are times I get caught up in the subject more than the person. Unfortunately.

In both cases I want to find a solution to the problem. So the person has peace. I also learn a lot about people throughout the process.

That was very wordy, sorry :oops:
 
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