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Discussion Starter #1
As per the title.

I think we've been getting too many variations of "what do ISTJ's xXx when xXx" and suchlike in the way of posts. With some luck people can be directed to one really, really long thread - read through it - and ask their question if it hasn't already been asked and answered.

Who knows, if this takes off it can maybe be stickied. <_<

Edit: Please try to keep it solidly on-topic, eh? Long-winded derails and suchlike will destroy any value. Take all potential derails to the Random thread, thanks!
 

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Discussion Starter #2
General question: "How do I know that ISTJ xXx loves or likes or cares for me?" (Add variations such as "it's really confusing", etc.)

Answer: If they are spending time with you, they love or like or care for you. We tend not to hang around people that we don't like. If we didn't like you, we wouldn't be around you at all.

That said, we're often very busy people. We can't just drop everything in an instant to spend time with you (unless it's really important, like someone being hospitalized or killed or something). If you need help from us that badly - we are there for those who are our friends. Not so much acquaintances or those in the outer circle of our friendship.

If you are in our absolute inner circle of friendship, we'll crawl across broken glass to help you.
 

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If any new threads are created relative to this topic, we should reply with a link to this one.

TBH, though, the redundancy of the questions won't stop if people are too lazy to use the search option to begin with. Assuming this thread gets to 500 pages or so, it will me much "harder" to search through this thread to find a question relating to yours, vs. searching thread titles.

Not only that, but those of us who answer said questions may not necessarily keep up with all the questions, causing the wounded to create new threads anyways.

I suppose my pessimism steams from me never checking threads i'm more than 10 pages behind on.

All in all, I support the idea in theory... just wanted to rain on your parade ;)

I'm going to stop rambling now. Good Luck!
 

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Can a mod please sticky this so that lazy people do not have to use the search function?
 

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I found this ISTJ description interesting and mostly focused on relationships:

ISTJ

Trustee/Inspector — "I Serve Truth & Justice"

The ISTJ's word is as good as gold, and they honor their commitments faithfully. They believe that to do otherwise would be nothing less than a breach of honor and trustworthiness. Consequently, they take their vows very seriously, and once they have said "I do", that means they are bound to the relationship until "death do us apart" or otherwise. ISTJs are driven to fulfill their responsibilities and duties, and will do so with tireless effort. They will do their best to meet the obligations presented by the different relationship roles which they play during their lives, i.e. spouse, parent, offspring, etc. They may have difficulty showing warmth, but they frequently feel it in abundance, and most develop the ability to show it through sheer effort. If nothing else, the ISTJ holds the gold medal of all the personality types for Effort. They will put forth tremendous amounts of effort to accomplish goals which are important to them. If healthy relationships are among these goals, you can bet that the ISTJ will do everything that they can to foster and maintain healthy relationships.

ISTJ Strengths

  • Honor their commitments
  • Take their relationship roles very seriously
  • Usually able to communicate what's on their minds with precision
  • Good listeners
  • Extremely good (albeit conservative) with money
  • Able to take constructive criticism well
  • Able to tolerate conflict situations without emotional upheaval
  • Able to dole out punishment or criticism when called for
ISTJ Weaknesses

  • Tendency to believe that they're always right
  • Tendency to get involved in "win-lose" conversations
  • Not naturally in-tune with what others are feeling
  • Their value for structure may seem rigid to others
  • Not likely to give enough praise or affirmation to their loved ones
ISTJs in Love

ISTJs are committed, loyal partners, who will put forth tremendous amounts of effort into making their relationships work. Once they have made a commitment to a relationship, they will stick with it until the end. They gladly accept their duty towards fulfilling their role in the relationship. ISTJs are generally willing and able to do anything which they have defined as a goal. So, if maintaining a good relationship is important to the ISTJ, they are likely to have a good relationship. If they have not added this goal to their internal "list" of duties, they are likely to approach the relationship in their "natural" state, which is extremely practical, traditional, and structured.

Romantically, the ISTJ is likely to approach intimacy from a physical perspective, rather than as a means of expressing love and affection. They usually have a problem expressing their deepest feelings, even though they may be very strongly felt. They will expect romance on a relatively scheduled basis, and are likely to honor traditions regarding gender role-playing. Male ISTJs will assert their perspective on their partners, while female ISTJs will tend to follow along with what their male counterparts want (although they will be uncomfortable with anything extremely out of the traditional norm).

ISTJs do not feel threatened by constructive criticism or conflict situations. When faced with criticism, the ISTJ is likely to believe that their point of view is correct. They have a tremendous amount of respect for Facts, and base their opinions on known facts and logic. Consequently, they have a hard time seeing the viability of viewpoints which don't match their own. When the ISTJ gets involved in a disagreement over a point, they usually begin to attempt to recruit the other person over to their own point of view, fully believing that they are right, and that the other individual simply needs to understand the facts of the situation. In such situations, the ISTJ may or may not be right, but their confidence in their own "rightness" can shake the confidence of others involved. This habit can quickly turn conversations into "win-lose" situations, and can present a special problem in intimate relationships. While they may inadvertantly shake the confidence of their colleagues with their "I'm right" approach, the same behavior may cause serious issues within their intimate relationships. The ISTJ's constant assertion of "rightness" may send a message to their mates that they do not value their opinions. If the ISTJ has a mate with a strong Feeling preference, they may inadvertantly wreak havoc with their self-esteem, since Feeling individuals are extremely sensitive to conflict and criticism, and are especially vulnerable in their intimate relationships.

Since ISTJs make decisions using the Thinking function (rather than Feeling), they are not naturally likely to consider their mates feelings and emotions in daily living. This may be a problem if their mates have the Feeling preference, since Feeling individuals usually expect a lot of positive affirmation, which the ISTJ does not naturally communicate to them. The ISTJ needs to remember that others may need to hear that they are loved and valued, even if the ISTJ doesn't need to hear this themself.

ISTJs are generally very capable and efficient at most things which they endeavor. Consequently, their mates are likely to hold a good amount of respect for them. Daily concerns are likely to be well-provided for by the ISTJ. If other concerns, such as emotional needs, are pointed out to the ISTJ as important issues for their mates, the ISTJ will rise to the occasion and add the task of addressing these needs to the internal "list" of duties. Since the ISTJ is so willing to work hard at issues, and so tireless at performing tasks which they feel should be done, the ISTJ generally makes a wonderful, caring mate who is willing and able to promote a healthy, lasting relationship which is also a partnership.
 

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THE IRON GIANT
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@Ryan, @General Lee

The search function on this site is useless. I don't even bother with it anymore. I use Google instead, I just type (for example) "istj enfp site:personalitycafe.com" into there and away I go. It works a hell of a lot better.

Curious as to the result of this particular one? :crazy:
 

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Discussion Starter #11
"Stolen" from another post, the five love languages: The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Gifts
3. Acts of Service
4. Quality Time
5. Physical Touch

This is how different people communicate their love with each other in varying ways.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Question: Why doesn't he/she want to hang around me any more? We used to be so friendly/in love! We had a big talk and...etc etc.

Answer:

ISTJs need space. It can be draining being around people, even those we know. It's more draining being around people we don't know. And talking about personal emotions (especially love and suchlike) is probably the most draining of all. Give your friend some space. They'll appreciate it. When they feel more capable of dealing with people, they'll be back.

Also, if we're ultra-stressed it can be very hard. Death of a friend or family member? Make it known that you're available if we need to talk or have someone to be silent with. Just don't push it.

If it's a romantic/love relationship, consider that you might have done this:





If only clingy, desperate and needy were attractive qualities! This goes for both sexes and all types. :confused:

ISTJs can be easily pushed away by too much speed in a relationship - especially a romantic one. We are veeeerrrryyyyyy slow to open up to anyone. Imagine someone being very allergic to pain, so consequently they're very reluctant to open up to potential pain.

You'll have to cultivate some patience with us - trust us, you'll find it's very much worth it once you can get us to open our hearts to you. :laughing:
 

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Discussion Starter #13 (Edited)
Question: Any and all questions about affairs, cheating, betrayal, etc. Also a definition of love.

Answer:

First part blurted out by me some time back and kept in my blog for further thought.
===================================================
Whether emotional affair or physical affair - both are a sharing of something exceptionally intimate with someone other than the SO. At the risk of being overly judgemental: an emotional affair denies the SO the full and true intimacy that said SO deserves, desires, and expects in their relationship.

This would therefore be an exceptionally deep betrayal of the SO and the relationship with the SO. Such a deep betrayal would damage said relationship. Sorry for being so black-and-white. I feel strongly about this.

Some time back, I ran across a quote on the internet which resonated with me: Love is an ever-expanding sense of trust in another, along with admiration and respect for their character, attributes and qualities. I do not remember where it came from, though Google could probably find it in a heartbeat.

Re-thinking upon that above statement about love, I am now asking myself this: If I betray that kind of love, could I ever look at myself in the mirror and feel less than deeply ashamed at the person I have become through my betrayal. This would go through my mind whether or not my SO knew about said relationship, and if my SO knew about it and even if they forgave me for such a betrayal.

Either an emotional or physical relationship with someone other than the SO would therefore seem to be self-destructive and relationship-destructive. A downward spiral for both the relationship and the self-esteem.
===================================================

Further thought:

ISTJs are slow to open up, to let others get at our feelings and our confidences.

Betray those feelings and confidences - we will close up so fast you'll think a guillotine took your hand off. We'll never open up for you again. You are totally cut off, it is OVER, move along to your next potential victim (potential in our mind anyway).

This reminds me of an example from a work-and-business-ethics class that I took:

1/ A guy told a female workmate that he and his boyfriend had AIDS, boyfriend dying, he'd probably get sick and die fairly soon too.

2/ Girl workmate is in emotional shock, blurts it out later to another female workmate.

3/ Word gets around, guy gets fired for being gay, etc. Boss to female confidante: "Well, we don't really want one of those types around." Guy says nothing to female confidante, just glares at her.

While this is an extreme example: always be mindful of what you share. While you may be in shock, or upset, or whatever - there is always a clear divide between what is told in utter confidence and what is okay to share. This for any relationship, not just ISTJs.

Further example: there are many things that my ex-wife shared with me, very personal ones, about stuff she'd done in her life. When we broke up I did NOT use them as ammunition against her. Didn't think of it, and it would not have been right even if I had.
 

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THE IRON GIANT
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Some time back, I ran across a quote on the internet which resonated with me: Love is an ever-expanding sense of trust in another, along with admiration and respect for their character, attributes and qualities. I do not remember where it came from, though Google could probably find it in a heartbeat.
Thuh-thump.
 

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Discussion Starter #16 (Edited)
Yardiff Bey

Great work so far. Unfortunately this topic does not interest me enough to write on it without provocation, soo... I'm going to have to wait for questions. :tongue:
Thank you.

Right now I'm mostly trawling through my memories of what we've said in previous discussions and chucking up stuff as it occurs to me and it's appropriate and I have time. :laughing:
 

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"Stolen" from another post, the five love languages: The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Gifts
3. Acts of Service
4. Quality Time
5. Physical Touch

This is how different people communicate their love with each other in varying ways.
Thanks for this. :) I shared it with ISTJ and we had a long, open, honest discussion about it. He revealed some things about himself...and throughout the course of the conversation he realized some things about himself too. And we both realized some things about each other. He of course has now withdrawn as he normally does when he opens up to me, but he'll be back in a couple days as he always is. :happy:

Anyway...thx ISTJs for sharing..
 

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Thought of some general questions that might help someone hopefully...?

-Do you like being pursued by someone?
-What is your approach in pursuing others (befriend the person, dates, courting, strategic planning, etc.)?
-What do you seek in a relationship? What is your idea of the perfect romance?
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Thought of some general questions that might help someone hopefully...?

-Do you like being pursued by someone?
-What is your approach in pursuing others (befriend the person, dates, courting, strategic planning, etc.)?
-What do you seek in a relationship? What is your idea of the perfect romance?
You've come up with some worthwhile questions fresh - thank you. :happy: Here's my personal take:

Do you like being pursued by someone? So long as it's relaxed and pleasant, yes. If it's too frantic a pursuit, warning bells start going off (wish that I'd not ignored those in a prior relationship). A quiet pursuit can be very sweet - it's flattering to know that I'm of interest to a girl.

Despite that, I'm not going to lead her on if I have no interest: that kind of thing is mean-spirited. She deserves to spend her time with someone more potentially-rewarding than I would be.

What is your approach in pursuing others (befriend the person, dates, courting, strategic planning, etc.)? Thinking back, it has been relaxed. Talk, occasional eating out (not fancy), walking, picnics, spending the day at the beach, etc. Spending quality time doing things with them is far more important in my mind than spending lots of money on them. If it develops into something very serious, then perhaps one or two splurges every few months: doing something unusual and special for her birthday, for example.

Expensive and fancy stuff every week/month is a definite no-no and a sign of a gold-digger. I'm not spending myself into oblivion for someone, and someone who really cared for me wouldn't expect me to. The money would be far better kept for a lifetime together.

What do you seek in a relationship? What is your idea of the perfect romance? This is going to sound dumb: I'm the homebody type. :laughing: Someone that I can spend time with, and that I can touch. (Touch only much later in the relationship - my love languages are Physical Touch and Quality Time, in that order, but can't go grabbing someone within the first few months.) The perfect romance to me is getting to know someone with no pressure. Completely relaxed and willing to take our time on both sides.

Relationship, still a homebody. Long-term goals must be similar to mine. Of course, we need to be able to communicate well and enjoy each other's company. I don't think that a long-term relationship could develop without those though. Staying mindful of each other's needs and desires.

I've gone a bit fuzzy there to the end. Getting sleepier - hopefully this makes sense on the whole.
 
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