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Also, to follow-up on "my story", there isn't much going on with anyone or anything at the moment. No thanks to Covid-19, my social life has been reduced to playing trivia on Monday nights and roller skating on Wednesday nights... both masked, of course (except when I'm eating my dinner before trivia). ... and for what it's worth, yes you can mask it and skate. I've done it twice now that the rink has finally opened up again (with restrictions, of course).

Anyway, amusing that you mention following my novel; Grizz actually contacted me today for the first time in months and wanted me to meet him at the rink. NOT. I told him his communication skills suck and then blew him off.

The most exciting thing in my life recently - my ESTJ colleague installed and set up a third monitor at my request since our IT department is blowing everyone off right now. One or two monitors are standard and he went out of his way to accommodate my unusual request.
 

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there isn't much going on with anyone or anything at the moment
Shame, I really like the way you tell things. Is there another thread with cool MBTI-based stories like this one? I tried searching a bit, but everything seems dead or unrelated.

amusing that you mention following my novel; Grizz actually contacted me today for the first time in months and wanted me to meet him at the rink.
Hah, it's like an on-demand episode.

my ESTJ colleague installed and set up a third monitor at my request
I dream of a third monitor. Nice that you got your request attended!

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Regarding my story and your advice, it's a good one, thanks.
I was truly disappointed he couldn't make it to the recent company event and maybe I showed it too much, so I'll let this week pass as I think I messaged him (pressured him?) more than I should recently. Perhaps I'm overthinking it (Ni-dom much, anybody?) but since you guys are usually so slow in this department, I guess it's ok to err on the safe and slow side. I'll suggest something like you said later, and update the thread if there's any relevant development :)
 

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I dream of a third monitor. Nice that you got your request attended!

I'll suggest something like you said later, and update the thread if there's any relevant development
There's a history between us. I'm not going to write a novel here, but if you want the full story, PM me. Also, sounds like a plan on waiting a little bit and then suggesting the coffee outing.
 

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Hi,

I'm an ENFP f who's been seeing an ISTJ m for about 5 months now and it's been a lot of struggle for me personally because we are so different that I repeatedly misinterprete his actions. I'd like to hear some of your opinions on this.

I guess we're each others complete opposites, which at the same time makes me struggle but also makes me respect him and find him very interesting - as an ENFP I love learning new things and he's given me a lot of new perspectives because of our differencies. I guess you could say we both have been attracted to each other's differencies, at least he said something similar in the past.

Anyway, what I'm struggling a lot with is that I feel like he doesn't actually like me or want to be with me, but that he would be seeing me "for now" until he finds something better. This is just my interpretation of the way he behaves with me based on these things:

  • We're texting pretty much every day, but in case I don't initiate the conversation it could take him days before he asks me how I'm doing. For me it feels like ages and makes me feel like he's not very into me.
  • When we're together he rarely initiates any physical contact. 90% I'm the one who touches first. This gives me the feeling that he doesn't find me very attractive, despite the fact he's said I'm beautiful and all that. Also my sexual needs are probably way above his and he's said he's not used to having a partner who wants sex as much as I do, but that it's not unpleasant for him, he's just not used to it. And I'm like... Dude it's been 5 months, how is it that you're still not used to it?
  • He pretty much never tells me he likes me unless I say that first. Also makes me think that he doesn't like me.
  • About a month ago we had this conversation where I wanted to know where we're heading and he just said he doesn't know yet if he wants a serious relationship with me or not. And I took it as "I don't want you but we can still hangout until I find something better". For me it's impossible to understand how it could take so many months until you know whether you want to be in a relationship with someone or not, also I don't see being in a relationship as something ultimate that couldn't change, for me categorizing our relationship like that would've been just a way to say "I like you" and find out if things worked between us, and now I feel - again - that he doesn't. We're still seeing each other though but now I'm in the mindset that he doesn't really like me nor want me. I mean, if you really wanted something, wouldn't you know it?
  • He sometimes doesn't reply to my messages and then I feel like he's annoyed by me. We send a lot of voicemails and sometimes he just doesn't listen to what I've sent.
He still wants to hang out with me I guess. And we still keep in touch almost every day. Yesterday when I asked does he think there's some challenges in our interaction he just said "No, because we communicate about everything". Also he said somehow nicely how we fullfil each other when we're together because we are so different.

But man, I'm so confused about everything with him because he is so different than me, I don't know how to interpret him. Am I getting it all wrong after all? Is there still a chance for me?
 

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Take my words with a grain of salt. I'm answering your points in bold below.

  • We're texting pretty much every day, but in case I don't initiate the conversation it could take him days before he asks me how I'm doing. ISTJ's can focus at their present task at hand and temporarily forget things like social niceties. For them, there usually isn't much point in just starting small talk. For me it feels like ages and makes me feel like he's not very into me. If it's too much of an isssue for you, you should probably just ask him to message you more often. Otherwise just accept it as the way he is.
  • When we're together he rarely initiates any physical contact. 90% I'm the one who touches first. This gives me the feeling that he doesn't find me very attractive, despite the fact he's said I'm beautiful and all that... ISTJ's tend to say what they mean. And yeah, they're slow.
  • He pretty much never tells me he likes me unless I say that first. Also makes me think that he doesn't like me. ISTJ's are not usually vocal about their feelings. You're overthinking this one.
  • About a month ago we had this conversation where I wanted to know where we're heading and he...I find this one a bit complicated. It's possible you're right, but ISTJ's are cautious and like to be certain about what they're doing. Either way it sounds to me like you are already in a relationship, even if unlabeled. If the lack of label is bothering you, I'd talk to him. Just make sure you present your concerns in the most practical and straightforward way possible.
  • He sometimes doesn't reply to my messages and then I feel like he's annoyed by me. We send a lot of voicemails and sometimes he just doesn't listen to what I've sent. He may not reply because he doesn't have anything to say (did you make him a question he didn't answer? or were you just chatting about something?) I'd be certainly upset, however, if he doesn't even listen. Have you asked him why?
Also:
You keep in touch almost every day = he likes you.
From what you asked him, sounds like only you are finding issues in the interaction.
I'd suggest you stop trying to find hidden meanings in his actions and just enjoy it. If you can't, talk to him to clarify.
 

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Thanks sweetINTJ for your reply. We've talked about this stuff but for me it's still really hard to grasp. Like he said he just tends to forget replying when he is doing something else. For example now I sent him some voice mails yesterday, in the last one (which he hasn't listened) I asked how he's been doing and now I'm still waiting for the reply - which is not coming because he never even listened to the question. This is really frustrating to me also because I absolutely HATE when people ask me "Why haven't you replied?" (see, I also tend to forget to reply to people unless it's something urgent - EXCEPT romantic partners! And I just absolutely hate being demanded to answer) so I feel like I would be too super annoying if I started asking after the reply. Even though he has said I could just do that if he forgets to reply. But instead of doing that I just end up thinking that he doesn't want to talk to me so I try to leave him alone and feel hurt alone by myself lol.

And yeah I've been thinking is there just something off in this thing we have why he doesn't want to label it as a relationship. We are kind of in a long-distance relationship though, like I don't know what would change between us if we changed the status, but for me as someone who's super social and loves social connections the relationship status would have more to do with things like getting to know his family, spending xmas together or something like that. Now he won't introduce me because I'm just some random chick... But he said he wants to be 100% sure before labeling something as a relationship. He's also been hesitant because a) I got a kid b) I'm polyamorous. I know these are big things but still... would it really take many months to figure out whether you wanted these things in your life or not?
 

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would it really take many months to figure out whether you wanted these things in your life or not?

If you read just a few pages of this thread, you'll quickly notice the answer is yes. Many ISTJ's will lose the love of their lives rather than to take a misstep. And since you have a kid + you're polyamorous (specially the latter), that can be quite unique for the usually-conservative-ISTJ.

Still, only you know the answers to what you're willing to do and wait for.
 

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Thanks again for the reply. I read quite a few pages of this thread but there's so many posts I just thought I wanted to get some answers directed to my case personally.

That's what he's been saying; that he's never met anyone like me and that there is so much to process for him. I actually talked with him yesterday about these things - he didn't have much time though so I felt like a lot was left unsaid - and asked what does he think right now about the possibility of us ending up in a more committed relationship. Basically he said he hasn't been thinking about it much recently because he's having a lot of things to deal regarding his own personal life/identity and he's been processing that, but it's not like he thinks there's no chance for us to become something more. Still he doesn't know.

And I can't cling onto something that seems so uncertain, so I'll still keep my eyes open for other possibilities. Which means there's always a possibility I'll find something else. But for now there's nothing like that and I know that at least now I want him. It's still quite stressful for me, because for me the uncertainty means uncertainty at the given moment which has been making me doubt if he actually even likes me (and based on this thread I should stop doubting that because it would seem he likes me after all).
 
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