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Ask an ISTJ relationship question thread

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#1 ·
As per the title.

I think we've been getting too many variations of "what do ISTJ's xXx when xXx" and suchlike in the way of posts. With some luck people can be directed to one really, really long thread - read through it - and ask their question if it hasn't already been asked and answered.

Who knows, if this takes off it can maybe be stickied. <_<

Edit: Please try to keep it solidly on-topic, eh? Long-winded derails and suchlike will destroy any value. Take all potential derails to the Random thread, thanks!
 
#2 ·
General question: "How do I know that ISTJ xXx loves or likes or cares for me?" (Add variations such as "it's really confusing", etc.)

Answer: If they are spending time with you, they love or like or care for you. We tend not to hang around people that we don't like. If we didn't like you, we wouldn't be around you at all.

That said, we're often very busy people. We can't just drop everything in an instant to spend time with you (unless it's really important, like someone being hospitalized or killed or something). If you need help from us that badly - we are there for those who are our friends. Not so much acquaintances or those in the outer circle of our friendship.

If you are in our absolute inner circle of friendship, we'll crawl across broken glass to help you.
 
#6,837 ·
General question: "How do I know that ISTJ xXx loves or likes or cares for me?" (Add variations such as "it's really confusing", etc.)

Answer: If they are spending time with you, they love or like or care for you. We tend not to hang around people that we don't like. If we didn't like you, we wouldn't be around you at all.

That said, we're often very busy people. We can't just drop everything in an instant to spend time with you (unless it's really important, like someone being hospitalized or killed or something). If you need help from us that badly - we are there for those who are our friends. Not so much acquaintances or those in the outer circle of our friendship.

If you are in our absolute inner circle of friendship, we'll crawl across broken glass to help you.
Can you give me some examples of what actions or behaviors you would only do for one category but not the other.. like rearranging time to see you, or doing something very outside their comfort zone/never done before to comfort someone else?
 
#4 · (Edited)
If any new threads are created relative to this topic, we should reply with a link to this one.

TBH, though, the redundancy of the questions won't stop if people are too lazy to use the search option to begin with. Assuming this thread gets to 500 pages or so, it will me much "harder" to search through this thread to find a question relating to yours, vs. searching thread titles.

Not only that, but those of us who answer said questions may not necessarily keep up with all the questions, causing the wounded to create new threads anyways.

I suppose my pessimism steams from me never checking threads i'm more than 10 pages behind on.

All in all, I support the idea in theory... just wanted to rain on your parade ;)

I'm going to stop rambling now. Good Luck!
 
#5 ·
Can a mod please sticky this so that lazy people do not have to use the search function?
 
#6 ·
I found this ISTJ description interesting and mostly focused on relationships:

ISTJ

Trustee/Inspector — "I Serve Truth & Justice"

The ISTJ's word is as good as gold, and they honor their commitments faithfully. They believe that to do otherwise would be nothing less than a breach of honor and trustworthiness. Consequently, they take their vows very seriously, and once they have said "I do", that means they are bound to the relationship until "death do us apart" or otherwise. ISTJs are driven to fulfill their responsibilities and duties, and will do so with tireless effort. They will do their best to meet the obligations presented by the different relationship roles which they play during their lives, i.e. spouse, parent, offspring, etc. They may have difficulty showing warmth, but they frequently feel it in abundance, and most develop the ability to show it through sheer effort. If nothing else, the ISTJ holds the gold medal of all the personality types for Effort. They will put forth tremendous amounts of effort to accomplish goals which are important to them. If healthy relationships are among these goals, you can bet that the ISTJ will do everything that they can to foster and maintain healthy relationships.

ISTJ Strengths

  • Honor their commitments
  • Take their relationship roles very seriously
  • Usually able to communicate what's on their minds with precision
  • Good listeners
  • Extremely good (albeit conservative) with money
  • Able to take constructive criticism well
  • Able to tolerate conflict situations without emotional upheaval
  • Able to dole out punishment or criticism when called for

ISTJ Weaknesses

  • Tendency to believe that they're always right
  • Tendency to get involved in "win-lose" conversations
  • Not naturally in-tune with what others are feeling
  • Their value for structure may seem rigid to others
  • Not likely to give enough praise or affirmation to their loved ones
ISTJs in Love

ISTJs are committed, loyal partners, who will put forth tremendous amounts of effort into making their relationships work. Once they have made a commitment to a relationship, they will stick with it until the end. They gladly accept their duty towards fulfilling their role in the relationship. ISTJs are generally willing and able to do anything which they have defined as a goal. So, if maintaining a good relationship is important to the ISTJ, they are likely to have a good relationship. If they have not added this goal to their internal "list" of duties, they are likely to approach the relationship in their "natural" state, which is extremely practical, traditional, and structured.

Romantically, the ISTJ is likely to approach intimacy from a physical perspective, rather than as a means of expressing love and affection. They usually have a problem expressing their deepest feelings, even though they may be very strongly felt. They will expect romance on a relatively scheduled basis, and are likely to honor traditions regarding gender role-playing. Male ISTJs will assert their perspective on their partners, while female ISTJs will tend to follow along with what their male counterparts want (although they will be uncomfortable with anything extremely out of the traditional norm).

ISTJs do not feel threatened by constructive criticism or conflict situations. When faced with criticism, the ISTJ is likely to believe that their point of view is correct. They have a tremendous amount of respect for Facts, and base their opinions on known facts and logic. Consequently, they have a hard time seeing the viability of viewpoints which don't match their own. When the ISTJ gets involved in a disagreement over a point, they usually begin to attempt to recruit the other person over to their own point of view, fully believing that they are right, and that the other individual simply needs to understand the facts of the situation. In such situations, the ISTJ may or may not be right, but their confidence in their own "rightness" can shake the confidence of others involved. This habit can quickly turn conversations into "win-lose" situations, and can present a special problem in intimate relationships. While they may inadvertantly shake the confidence of their colleagues with their "I'm right" approach, the same behavior may cause serious issues within their intimate relationships. The ISTJ's constant assertion of "rightness" may send a message to their mates that they do not value their opinions. If the ISTJ has a mate with a strong Feeling preference, they may inadvertantly wreak havoc with their self-esteem, since Feeling individuals are extremely sensitive to conflict and criticism, and are especially vulnerable in their intimate relationships.

Since ISTJs make decisions using the Thinking function (rather than Feeling), they are not naturally likely to consider their mates feelings and emotions in daily living. This may be a problem if their mates have the Feeling preference, since Feeling individuals usually expect a lot of positive affirmation, which the ISTJ does not naturally communicate to them. The ISTJ needs to remember that others may need to hear that they are loved and valued, even if the ISTJ doesn't need to hear this themself.

ISTJs are generally very capable and efficient at most things which they endeavor. Consequently, their mates are likely to hold a good amount of respect for them. Daily concerns are likely to be well-provided for by the ISTJ. If other concerns, such as emotional needs, are pointed out to the ISTJ as important issues for their mates, the ISTJ will rise to the occasion and add the task of addressing these needs to the internal "list" of duties. Since the ISTJ is so willing to work hard at issues, and so tireless at performing tasks which they feel should be done, the ISTJ generally makes a wonderful, caring mate who is willing and able to promote a healthy, lasting relationship which is also a partnership.
 
#28 ·
I found this ISTJ description interesting and mostly focused on relationships:
Im not sure i agree with the description completely, i wont go into details as to why but i find it interesting.
 
#7 · (Edited)
@Ryan, @General Lee

The search function on this site is useless. I don't even bother with it anymore. I use Google instead, I just type (for example) "istj enfp site:personalitycafe.com" into there and away I go. It works a hell of a lot better.

Curious as to the result of this particular one? :crazy:
 
#11 ·
"Stolen" from another post, the five love languages: The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Gifts
3. Acts of Service
4. Quality Time
5. Physical Touch

This is how different people communicate their love with each other in varying ways.
 
#17 ·
Thanks for this. :) I shared it with ISTJ and we had a long, open, honest discussion about it. He revealed some things about himself...and throughout the course of the conversation he realized some things about himself too. And we both realized some things about each other. He of course has now withdrawn as he normally does when he opens up to me, but he'll be back in a couple days as he always is. :happy:

Anyway...thx ISTJs for sharing..
 
#12 ·
Question: Why doesn't he/she want to hang around me any more? We used to be so friendly/in love! We had a big talk and...etc etc.

Answer:

ISTJs need space. It can be draining being around people, even those we know. It's more draining being around people we don't know. And talking about personal emotions (especially love and suchlike) is probably the most draining of all. Give your friend some space. They'll appreciate it. When they feel more capable of dealing with people, they'll be back.

Also, if we're ultra-stressed it can be very hard. Death of a friend or family member? Make it known that you're available if we need to talk or have someone to be silent with. Just don't push it.

If it's a romantic/love relationship, consider that you might have done this:





If only clingy, desperate and needy were attractive qualities! This goes for both sexes and all types. :confused:

ISTJs can be easily pushed away by too much speed in a relationship - especially a romantic one. We are veeeerrrryyyyyy slow to open up to anyone. Imagine someone being very allergic to pain, so consequently they're very reluctant to open up to potential pain.

You'll have to cultivate some patience with us - trust us, you'll find it's very much worth it once you can get us to open our hearts to you. :laughing:
 
#13 · (Edited)
Question: Any and all questions about affairs, cheating, betrayal, etc. Also a definition of love.

Answer:

First part blurted out by me some time back and kept in my blog for further thought.
===================================================
Whether emotional affair or physical affair - both are a sharing of something exceptionally intimate with someone other than the SO. At the risk of being overly judgemental: an emotional affair denies the SO the full and true intimacy that said SO deserves, desires, and expects in their relationship.

This would therefore be an exceptionally deep betrayal of the SO and the relationship with the SO. Such a deep betrayal would damage said relationship. Sorry for being so black-and-white. I feel strongly about this.

Some time back, I ran across a quote on the internet which resonated with me: Love is an ever-expanding sense of trust in another, along with admiration and respect for their character, attributes and qualities. I do not remember where it came from, though Google could probably find it in a heartbeat.

Re-thinking upon that above statement about love, I am now asking myself this: If I betray that kind of love, could I ever look at myself in the mirror and feel less than deeply ashamed at the person I have become through my betrayal. This would go through my mind whether or not my SO knew about said relationship, and if my SO knew about it and even if they forgave me for such a betrayal.

Either an emotional or physical relationship with someone other than the SO would therefore seem to be self-destructive and relationship-destructive. A downward spiral for both the relationship and the self-esteem.
===================================================

Further thought:

ISTJs are slow to open up, to let others get at our feelings and our confidences.

Betray those feelings and confidences - we will close up so fast you'll think a guillotine took your hand off. We'll never open up for you again. You are totally cut off, it is OVER, move along to your next potential victim (potential in our mind anyway).

This reminds me of an example from a work-and-business-ethics class that I took:

1/ A guy told a female workmate that he and his boyfriend had AIDS, boyfriend dying, he'd probably get sick and die fairly soon too.

2/ Girl workmate is in emotional shock, blurts it out later to another female workmate.

3/ Word gets around, guy gets fired for being gay, etc. Boss to female confidante: "Well, we don't really want one of those types around." Guy says nothing to female confidante, just glares at her.

While this is an extreme example: always be mindful of what you share. While you may be in shock, or upset, or whatever - there is always a clear divide between what is told in utter confidence and what is okay to share. This for any relationship, not just ISTJs.

Further example: there are many things that my ex-wife shared with me, very personal ones, about stuff she'd done in her life. When we broke up I did NOT use them as ammunition against her. Didn't think of it, and it would not have been right even if I had.
 
#14 ·
Some time back, I ran across a quote on the internet which resonated with me: Love is an ever-expanding sense of trust in another, along with admiration and respect for their character, attributes and qualities. I do not remember where it came from, though Google could probably find it in a heartbeat.
Thuh-thump.
 
#16 · (Edited)
Yardiff Bey

Great work so far. Unfortunately this topic does not interest me enough to write on it without provocation, soo... I'm going to have to wait for questions. :tongue:
Thank you.

Right now I'm mostly trawling through my memories of what we've said in previous discussions and chucking up stuff as it occurs to me and it's appropriate and I have time. :laughing:
 
#20 ·
Thought of some general questions that might help someone hopefully...?

-Do you like being pursued by someone?
-What is your approach in pursuing others (befriend the person, dates, courting, strategic planning, etc.)?
-What do you seek in a relationship? What is your idea of the perfect romance?
You've come up with some worthwhile questions fresh - thank you. :happy: Here's my personal take:

Do you like being pursued by someone? So long as it's relaxed and pleasant, yes. If it's too frantic a pursuit, warning bells start going off (wish that I'd not ignored those in a prior relationship). A quiet pursuit can be very sweet - it's flattering to know that I'm of interest to a girl.

Despite that, I'm not going to lead her on if I have no interest: that kind of thing is mean-spirited. She deserves to spend her time with someone more potentially-rewarding than I would be.

What is your approach in pursuing others (befriend the person, dates, courting, strategic planning, etc.)? Thinking back, it has been relaxed. Talk, occasional eating out (not fancy), walking, picnics, spending the day at the beach, etc. Spending quality time doing things with them is far more important in my mind than spending lots of money on them. If it develops into something very serious, then perhaps one or two splurges every few months: doing something unusual and special for her birthday, for example.

Expensive and fancy stuff every week/month is a definite no-no and a sign of a gold-digger. I'm not spending myself into oblivion for someone, and someone who really cared for me wouldn't expect me to. The money would be far better kept for a lifetime together.

What do you seek in a relationship? What is your idea of the perfect romance? This is going to sound dumb: I'm the homebody type. :laughing: Someone that I can spend time with, and that I can touch. (Touch only much later in the relationship - my love languages are Physical Touch and Quality Time, in that order, but can't go grabbing someone within the first few months.) The perfect romance to me is getting to know someone with no pressure. Completely relaxed and willing to take our time on both sides.

Relationship, still a homebody. Long-term goals must be similar to mine. Of course, we need to be able to communicate well and enjoy each other's company. I don't think that a long-term relationship could develop without those though. Staying mindful of each other's needs and desires.

I've gone a bit fuzzy there to the end. Getting sleepier - hopefully this makes sense on the whole.
 
#21 ·
Wow. *blink* I feel like I'm being let in on the super-top-secret world of the inscrutable ISTJs, here. Thanks so much for the insights. I hope some other ISTJs will feel free to jump in with their responses, too; there are so many difference - as well as similarities - between/ among folks within any "type."

I've noticed with the male ISTJs I know - my current partner, my late dad and my brother - there is a need to be needed and a bit of a desire to "rescue" a damsel in distress. I think this might stem from being very traditional in their gender roles and wanting to be the male care-taker. But how do I -- a happy, healthy, high-earning woman with my share of "normal" issues but no history of abuse or sob-stories or need to be saved from a miserable life -- "compete" with all the damsels in distress?
 
#22 ·
Well now I feel obligated to give the ISTJ female perspective.

-Do you like being pursued by someone?
Yes. It's flattering and reassuring. I rarely put myself out there and never seriously crush on people who I don't think like me back. I'd rather be alone than live with unrequitted love.

-What is your approach in pursuing others (befriend the person, dates, courting, strategic planning, etc.)?
Well, if it somehow happens that I decide to do a little pursuit, I'll likely just attempt to befriend the person, like you say, and try to allow us to spend more time together. I doubt I would straight up ask them on a date, but I might hint things here and there about what we could do together.

-What do you seek in a relationship? What is your idea of the perfect romance?
Well, for starters, I seek stability, trust, friendship, understanding, and the ability to be upfront and open with everything. The perfect romance would involve unconditional love, plenty of affirmation (but not too much), physical/biological attraction, security, and enough time together but also time to reflect with some space.

But how do I -- a happy, healthy, high-earning woman with my share of "normal" issues but no history of abuse or sob-stories or need to be saved from a miserable life -- "compete" with all the damsels in distress?
I think they say that ISJs commonly fall into the role of being needed in the relationship. And we can even enjoy it, so long as we are recognized and appreciated. Thus, even if you aren't a damsel in distress, there are likely SOME ways that the ISJ will attempt to help at some point.
 
#24 ·
Thanks, Y Bey. My sincere hope is that a healthy ISTJ male will want to feel needed, but in a less extreme way than those (like my brother) who seem to seek out the messed-up damsels in distress. I'm certainly not without my issues, but I take pride in being relatively independent and capable and healthy; it's weird to sometimes get the sense that those can be viewed as "negatives."

Also, I think all of us - of any type - do want to feel needed/wanted/helpful to some extent. It's not just an ISTJ thang... but it's manifested differently in each type.
 
#25 ·
You are right, everyone wants to feel needed/wanted/helpful to some extent. As for being independent, capable, and healthy viewed as negatives - some people just don't know what is good in life. Perhaps they've had few relationships with someone who is normal? (No insult to your family intended.)

(joking)I don't suppose that you live in New Zealand?(end joking) :laughing:
 
#26 ·
Nah, I'm in Canada. Alas ; )

Sadly, my brother goes from damsel-in-distress to damsel-in-distress, and is always shocked to discover that being a solid, steadfast guy can't "cure" what ails them. They usually cheat on him and he's heart-broken, but just can never get himself excited about the well-adjusted ones.
 
#27 ·
Awwwww Canada...I'm heartbroken! :laughing:

It sounds as though he will be getting his heart broken many, many times before he wises up. Poor sod. You need to drag him on here in a day or so, once I've posted the stuff about abusive and manipulative relationships - it might be an eye-opener for him.

Especially given how damaging they have been to the lives of some of the people on PerC.
 
#29 ·
Question: Is this guy/girl abusing/manipulating me? (Any variation you choose.)

Answer: First post of a thread that I started.

The whole thread, including revelations: http://personalitycafe.com/istj-forum-duty-fulfillers/59272-abusive-manipulative-relationships.html

Adding to this: if your boy/girl-friend makes you *snap* - and you catch a creepy little smile on their face, you're done. They've got you right where they want you. You will now forever be the one in the wrong.

===========================================================
We all know about various relationship problems. We seem to be fielding questions about them daily. :wink:

Yet there are relationships that go well beyond the field of "problems". They become totally abusive and manipulative. This abuse can go both ways: men towards women and women towards men.

Given that some of us are younger and may not have had the "good fortune" to run across this kind of relationship already, I have decided to post a couple of websites which may help you to notice the signs of such things. They are male-oriented websites - sorry girls, it appears that women get a lot more support from the system than abused guys do.

Here is the main website, run by a female psychologist (fairly intense stuff, may not be work-friendly).

for men who are recovering from relationships with abusive women and the non-abusive family and friends who love them | Shrink4Men

Here is the second website - this one is DEFINITELY not work-friendly. Basically some guy broke up with his girlfriend back in 2001 and she went through every possible manipulative method she could to get him back. This website holds the voicemails she left on his answering-machine. (Note that I found it via the Shrink4Men website above.)

Caution, this chick has a foul mouth and is batshit crazy. You have been warned.

www.psychoexgirlfriend.com

Inoculate yourselves (girls as well as guys), good luck, I hope you never run across this in your real lives.

A direct link to the comments about psychoexgirlfriend on the Shrink4Men website.

What Does Crazy Sound Like? Psycho Ex-Girlfriend Stalks and Harasses Her Ex-Boyfriend Via Telephone | Shrink4Men
 
#30 ·
Do you like being pursued by someone?
Just as others have mentioned, it is flattering so long as your pursuers respect your boundaries.

What is your approach in pursuing others (befriend the person, dates, courting, strategic planning, etc.)?
My approach to pursuing: "There's this great ______________ (exhibit, play, concert, whatever) in town, would you like to see it with me?" I know, I know there is so much advice against doing this and how you lower your "value" blah blah blah. If someone sees me as less "valuable" because I am attracted to them and I don't want to play games with them, then guid riddance. Short answer: dating ONLY.

What do you seek in a relationship? What is your idea of the perfect romance?
Same as most people I suspect: mutual trust, respect, and acceptance.
 
#31 ·
Being "needed".

I'd rather be wanted than needed any day of the week.

It is not my job to change you and it is unfair for you to expect me to do so. You should go into the relationship in the best condition possible. There are certain states in which you should never "inflict" (awesome wording, niss) yourself on others. I am your lover, not your mother and I will not emasculate you and cheat myself (and you!) relationship-wise by attempting to be so.

We all have our faults and things we need to work on, but that is OUR responsibility, not the responsibility of our lovers.

There is a difference between a supportive relationship and an codependent one. People who need to be needed and people who want/expect to be rescued should probably not be "inflicting" themselves on others until they work on their underlying issues (or if they do, they should not be surprised when relationship after relationship crashes and burns).
 
#32 ·
Question: ISTJ men and romance (focus on romance novels). Also mysterious and unattainable ISTJ males striking to the heart of yet another female (@Sela thank you).

Answer: Post mine, a little cleaned up and modified.

The original thread by @Horseshoe with the purpose of writing a book: http://personalitycafe.com/istj-for...s-i-am-desperate-find-out-more-about-you.html

Not meant to be a stereotypical rip on women.
===================================
ISTJs are seen as being remote and very hard to get to know - yet there is a huge "payoff" for the girl once she can crack him open and get into that gooey center. Yes there is a gooey center. This is partly why us ISTJs are so slow to get to know people and to move forward with our relationships: we want to take our time, be sure, get it right. ISTJs are like onions, we've got layers... <_<

When you look at modern romance novels, you see that the male protagonist is very much the "Alpha" type: strong, remote, handsome, very competent, domineering, sometimes abusive and cruel. He'll often jerk the female protagonist around a lot, to the point where she's at her wits end and she constantly wonders why she puts up with him - yet there's just too "something about him" for her to leave.

When she's FINALLY about to give up and leave - he cracks. He breaks down, reveals all his feelings for her, etc. She has worn him down, gotten to him, changed him. An enormous upwelling of love in both their hearts - true love, riding off into the sunset, etc. This is like female porn/crack. (Sounds so cynical.)

Now, how does the average ISTJ male come across as: strong, remote, very competent. If he's halfway good-looking then he's over halfway there to the "ideal" man that's been pushed down many girls throats by romance novels.
===================================
As @niss remarked, this sounds like the story of Samson and Delilah - except that Samson dies at the end.
===================================
My source for that above analysis of romance novels: the book "A Billion Wicked Thoughts". Its an in-depth analysis of sex and porn searches on the internet and it claimed basically the above structure for romance novels written with women in mind or written by women.

I decided to double-check that claim. Local library, four Mills & Boon "bodice rippers". I didn't finish book #4, threw it across the room.

By the way guys: don't bother working too much on your abs. While they're nice to a woman, most romance novels concentrate on: chest/shoulders, butt, and legs.

Obligatory "Nice Guys" video, illustrating this point (this struck me immediately upon first sight - and I still like the video, mostly because it has been true in my experience):



Addendum: I'm thinking of grabbing three-four Cosmopolitan magazines this weekend. It will be interesting to see what pap the twenty-somethings of this world shell out money for in the interests of becoming dissatisfied with themselves/their boyfriends/and to be marketed to. My personal bet is that over 50% of the magazine will be advertising or stealth-advertising masquerading as informational articles/advice.

:laughing:

And it's midnight here in New Zealand. Stuff in this post will be incoherent - sosumi. :tongue:
 
#33 ·
Question: Is this ISTJ messing with me/being deliberately cruel/leading me on/not interested in me/etc.

Answer:

If you are asking this question, the answer is most likely: yes. You've already gotten that feeling or you wouldn't be asking. We would require a lot of background to be certain.

ISTJs are people, people aren't nice, and any MBTI/Enneagram/Cognitive type can be a ratbag.

That said, we can have off days or be exceptionally stressed. Usually that makes us retreat for a bit for the purposes of recharging. If this behaviour is a constant thing: check to see if there is recurring stress in your ISTJs life. Be open to the thought that you might be the recurring stress.
 
#34 ·
How do you approach relationships sexually? Sex changes the direction of a relationship. How do you handle that?

Would you put the breaks on something early on if you thought it might not work out, or would let it play out in order to be sure?

If you wanted to let someone down without hurting them, how would let them fall? Or would you just cut the cord?

If someone was feeling hurt or insecure about something you did, would you rather they tell you (and use the word "insecure") or just let it go?

Your ultimate girl walks into your life. She's perfect in every way....and then ________ happens. What does she do to make you start doubting her perfection?

What is your preferred method of someone breaking things off with you?
 
#37 · (Edited)
Slowly. It's not something I'd even think about initially, I'd be wanting to get to know them very well and eventually work up to being comfortable with anything with them. When I'm comfortable and they seem to be too, then yeah I'll talk about it with them and if it's right, go there =) I can't see anything like that happening in the first couple of months.

If I had fair reason to believe that things aren't going to go anywhere, then I would end it. I mean, it would only be harder for both parties later on.

I would tell them exactly my thoughts on why I believe things aren't going to work out, in the nicest way I possibly can. I wouldn't be mean about it. Keeping in mind I'm all for communication and being able to fix or overcome any problems in a relationship... for me to get to that point I would have to be pretty certain of there being no way of things working out in the long run.

Um, yeah, tell me if I'm being a jerk. I obviously didn't realise what I said/did, how it could be interpreted in that way. I'll try not to do that in the future. (I'd like to know why you're insecure about it, though).

Um... I dunno x) taking advantage of me and being manipulative when I've opened up to you... that's just a no.

Honest. Tell me why. If you say you still want to be friends though, be friends, don't say it and cut me off. Let me know clearly that I don't have another chance with you though. I'd hope the person would talk to me before it got to that point to help work out whatever the problem is.
 
#35 ·
@Yardiff Bey I agree with you about the whole romance novel BS. Apparently I am one of a minority of women who do not find cruelty/games the least bit romantic. No wonder men buy into the whole PUA thing and every woman that responds positively to men being assholes only reinforces these behaviors. :crazy:

I'm really not sure if people act like this because they want to or because they think they are supposed to do so. I mean really, how many examples of healthy relationships exist in the media (or most importantly, in our own homes!).

And don't get me started on Cosmo! Just keep in mind when reading it that MOST women recognize it as the steaming pile of crap that it is and please don't go looking to find any real insight on women (or men, or anyone for that matter).
 
#36 ·
Yardiff Bey I agree with you about the whole romance novel BS. Apparently I am one of a minority of women who do not find cruelty/games the least bit romantic. No wonder men buy into the whole PUA thing and every woman that responds positively to men being assholes only reinforces these behaviors. :crazy:

I'm really not sure if people act like this because they want to or because they think they are supposed to do so. I mean really, how many examples of healthy relationships exist in the media (or most importantly, in our own homes!).

And don't get me started on Cosmo! Just keep in mind when reading it that MOST women recognize it as the steaming pile of crap that it is and please don't go looking to find any real insight on women (or men, or anyone for that matter).
Ah, the charm and wittiness of the PUA aka Player! He strides brashly into the hallowed halls of the nightclubs and bars, stalking the young and insipid girls of great physical attractiveness and relatively little sophistication. Blessed are the boys who know Game! (Or was that "Blessed are the cheesemakers?") /sarcasm :laughing:

Unfortunately you are right. As I think that I mentioned some time back, IMO the media portrays the "head games" aspect of relationships and calls it drama. :dry: I don't think that I've yet seen one tv show or movie which shows properly mature adults and families, it's usually sitcoms.

Cosmo. Cosmo, cosmo, cosmo. I have three of the things, picked up today. Bleagh. Let us at this time take a *close* look at the covers:

June 2011 - 78 ways to turn him on, what men want most at 9pm, something I won't repeat :unsure:, and Cameron Diaz with a fake come-hither smile wearing a sideless number that shows quite a bit of flesh.

July 2011 - sex, 50 things you should never have stopped doing (I wonder if picnics is in that list), female anatomy, and a girl that I don't recognize but who would probably fit in perfectly at the "Chicken Ranch". :confused:

August 2011 - ahem: sex, sex, more sex, and a girl who is starting to show a bit much at the top of her partly-pulled-down one-piece dress/cardigan/thing. And they wonder why NZ men and women are becoming more promiscuous. :dry:

My first inclination is to wonder if these things are actually bought by guys to hand to their girls as "presents", in some vague hope that their girl will become "inspired" by the supposedly steamy secrets within. Sex sells, but good grief. :dry: I'm now thinking twice about doing this research. I'll have to skim and try not to read the garbage, for fear of meme infection. :dry:

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@SassyPJs24 - we'll try answering your questions when we wake up. Thank you, you have quite a few there. :happy:
 
#46 · (Edited)
How do you approach relationships sexually? Sex changes the direction of a relationship. How do you handle that?
If I'm in a relationship, sex is going to be involved at some point. It might be a short time into the relationship, it might be a long time - depending upon how relaxed I feel about the other person and vice-versa. Once it happens it doesn't change the direction, simply intensifies.

If sex hasn't occurred after quite some time, then I would ask myself what the dealbreaker is that makes me not relaxed with this person or vice-versa. If sex was never on my mind then it's not a relationship, it's a friendship.

Would you put the brakes on something early on if you thought it might not work out, or would let it play out in order to be sure?
If my thought is "might not work out" then I would talk with them about that. If I'm sure that it will not work out then I will put the brakes on then and there. I dislike leading people on and they deserve to spend their time with someone who might be better for them.

If you wanted to let someone down without hurting them, how would you let them fall?
Preferably gently and honestly. I have been harsh with people who won't take no for an answer.

If someone was feeling hurt or insecure about something you did, would you rather they tell you (and use the word "insecure") or just let it go?
Tell me. Then I can evaluate my behaviour. I can also decide if they are actually warranted in their insecurity, or if they're an insecure person.

Your ultimate partner walks into your life. They're perfect in every way....and then ________ happens. What does he/she do to make you start doubting her perfection?
Insecurity, selfishness, rudeness, bad attitude, a bleak down outlook - just some of the things that turn me off. These are all character defects and I'm picky about who I want to spend my life with. I refuse to put up with *snipesnipesnipe* for the next 50+ years!

What is your preferred method of someone breaking things off with you?
Honestly and up-front. Then I can deal with it and move on. Do not toy with me, do not lead me on - when I find out about that behaviour you will get a very nasty response.
 
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