Ask ENFJs for Relationship Advice on ENFJs

How on Earth

the_natrix said:

How on earth do I understand whats going on with an ENFJ?

So essentially there's this lovely lady who to the best of my knowledge is ENFJ, and I think that she may be flirting with me. The first problem is that I'm typically oblivious to when such things are happening, the second from what I can tell is that typical ENFJ behavior can be misinterpreted as flirting.

So then my evidence is sparse

* I think I've seen a change in just how "up" she is lately, possibly depending on if she's around me. Possibly not a big indicator but I thought I'd mention it.

* I think she may have tried to make me jealous. I've read some stuff on how an ENFJ can get inside people's heads so perhaps that's her way of influencing what I do. To be more specific she was talking to a friend of her's and they were talking about setting her up with another guy who happened to be sitting next to me, however he also seemed quite clueless/uninterested. In fact I was acting more interested than the other guy.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Any advice? Also would it be pointless to hope that she could be a tad more direct with me?

Please offer some insight, I'm out of my depth here. (read as "help me obi-wan kenobi")

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Okay, she may or may not be too an ENFJ. There is far too little information mentioned here to confirm that she is one. As you mentioned as well, her ENFJ behavior might actually just be mistaken for flirting.

ENFJ or not, most girls are not direct when it comes to their feelings when it comes to liking guys. In fact, there is no absolute evidence that can confirm whether or not she likes you or not. Her comfort with you may actually just be a sign of comfort around you, maybe just as a friend.

My suggestion is that you ask her out or just find some time to be alone with her. She might initially reject the first few advances so as to not appear "cheap" or easy to get to but if you do get there;

Watch for her ticks - such as how she moves or responds to you. I know this is typical Internet stuff but it also applies to a lot of women in general. Does she place herself very close to you. When you lean front, does she follow or move her head back. Does she stare a lot into your eyes, deeply as if she's dissecting you. Does she appear comfortable touching you. Playing her hair often, appearing coy and flirty. Maybe if you can, drop her a compliment of how beautiful you think she looks. She would definitely blush a lot but how much is another thing. Maybe she'll strutter with her words more given the compliment. These are ticks to look for to see whether or not she's interested.

And if she is, then be a bloody man and ask her out if you're interested as well.

However, if she appears cold and distant. Trying to create distance and averting topics that you want to talk about. Folding her arms and creating barriers and space between the both of you then she's not interested.

Either step up your game or move on.

Another thing I tend to notice is their availability when you speak. If a girl is genuinely interested, when you speak, even though she's not looking at you, she's actually listening. I know a couple of girls who appear like they're talking to their friends or sorta not noticing me but when I address them, even without names, they instantly pay attention.

In any case, good lucky my friend.

Any additional feedback guys??? Come on, don't tell me I'm alone here.

This is what I like about the ENFJ's: when they say they're going to do something, they get cracking on it right away.

I do have a question, or perhaps a series of question; these may have been covered here and there on other posts, but I like being really clear.

As I've mentioned before, I have friend who I'm pretty sure is ENFJ for reasons I mentioned in another recent post (How do you type a person as an ENFJ? to be exact) well, anyway, there was a time I thought he might like me, well it was on again, off again really, but my final conclusion was we're friends, apparently he sees me as a close friends, that's all that really matters, which made me think of this question:

If you have a close friend that you start to like, do you think more in terms of loss aversion ("if I reveal what I feel and they don't return them, I could lose a friend.") or more in terms of what you could gain ("If i reveal what I feel, it could turn into something much better.")?

Also, considering the above question: do you often feel that parts of you wants to gush out, like the cliched "shouting from rooftops" and reveal every single detail of your feelings, while another part of you is so scared of making yourself to be that vulnerable and pushes you to hold back and be the proverbial ice-berg?

Also, again considering the above question, if prompted by that desire to gush out, you become way more attentive to that person than other people in your life that you're close to, do you feel the need to "take it back" so to speak in your actions and become more cool toward the person than you were before?

Sorry for the long list of questions. These were things I was curious about considering how I often feel about things.

@dulcinea

Oh dear, these questions... This may confuse you a slight bit cause though I'm quite much a confirmed ENFJ, I'm still a Type 6w7. I'm not too knowledgeable about enneagrams but I know that Type 6's are ones who have a lot of inner doubts and voices inside their heads. But I would try to answer as best I can.

If you have a close friend that you start to like, do you think more in terms of loss aversion ("if I reveal what I feel and they don't return them, I could lose a friend.") or more in terms of what you could gain ("If i reveal what I feel, it could turn into something much better.")?

To be honest, I'm more of the latter. For me, love or whatever you call it, has a very profound sense of importance in my life. Given even for close friends, my feelings for lovers are still so much more intense. For example, if feelings could be measured, the love I have for my best friend, at max would be somewhat like 1,500 kilowatts. However, the feelings I have for my lover on the other hand, goes to at least 6,000 kilowatts. I'm not a hoes before bros kinda guy but in terms of feelings but I know where my inner priorities lie.

The thing is, if I see a person as a lover more than a friend, in a certain manner, the friendship inside of me has already ended and if I finally do lay out a comprehensive plan to get her, there is absolutely no turning back.

Also, considering the above question: do you often feel that parts of you wants to gush out, like the cliched "shouting from rooftops" and reveal every single detail of your feelings, while another part of you is so scared of making yourself to be that vulnerable and pushes you to hold back and be the proverbial ice-berg?

Initially, I would be the latter because of my insecurity about whether or not the person would like me. However, if she responds to me positively, giving me opportunities and what not, then my feelings would shift to the earlier one. I would be happy, ecstatic and obviously in love.

However, if she is cold towards my advances, I would shift back towards the latter. I know it can be very daunting with these feelings shifting up and down every time.

Also, again considering the above question, if prompted by that desire to gush out, you become way more attentive to that person than other people in your life that you're close to, do you feel the need to "take it back" so to speak in your actions and become more cool toward the person than you were before?

Inside of me, I would be like the initial. I would obviously become much more attentive towards this person and all her needs, being available to assist her if she should so choose to but it has to be a two way thing. If she does not seem appreciative, then my presence would become increasingly scarce.

My national language refers to it as "jual mahal" and the Western translation at best is "playing hard to get". It was taught to me through friends and parents and it's known to drive girls that are genuinely serious right up the wall.

I would be there to help her and treat her like she's the center of my world but right at the very next moment, be completely absent. If she calls, I would even go like "Um, can't talk right now. I'll call you back" and not do so. Then when it's time again, I would be all caring again but then suddenly, ice queen and vice versa.

This is to somewhat say that "Hey, I'm not to be taken granted for and you better GET ME as well". The results, when done well, are often extremely profound. Friends and even my dad has testified to the girl calling them up or something one day, completely in tears, begging for them to take her, being in utter tatters. She'll outright confess everything.

Never happened to me before but I'll give it a real go during my next run. Once she's there, I'll give her a good test, ask her some tough questions, play the "you'll never truly love me" or "you're in it for the money" or "if I was fat or when I was fat" and see what she has to say.

=P

My national language refers to it as "jual mahal" and the Western translation at best is "playing hard to get". It was taught to me through friends and parents and it's known to drive girls that are genuinely serious right up the wall.

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I looked this up on google translate and, according to that site, the words literally mean "expensive sale" which I find interesting, because "playing hard to get" is kind of similar to the concept of something being expensive in that you're basically saying, "you could have me, but I won't just be yours for the taking, it's going to cost you" but instead of money what you usually expect is more the currency of time and effort

Oh dear, these questions...

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yes "these questions..." I figure that it might be good to get them out of the way, because a lot of the threads I see are people who basically ask "How do I read this ENFJ?" because he or she does this but doesn't do that and is sometimes like this and sometimes like that, what could they possibly mean by this? But that made me think of something.

If you guys don't mind, I'd like to mention a few "disclaimers" to anyone who would post a question.

Okay first of all (and I see this mentioned a LOT!) are you sure this person is an ENFJ? I know something I've been seeing Jaws mention a lot lately is that other types such as ESFJ's, ESFPs, INFJs, and, I think, ENFPs get mistyped as ENFJs often.

Also, just because a person is an ENFJ don't expect them to somehow have more insight into your ENFJ than you do. If your in a relationship with a person, you're going to see a lot of the aspects to that person that would motivate them in the things they do just as much as they're jungian type or mbti.

A person's mbti is limited in what it can explain about a person, and there are so many different aspects to a person than just 16 dimensions. KC Tan mentioned in his answer a couple of factors such as enneagram (a type 6 w 7 ENFJ might respond totally differently from a type 1w2 or type 2w3 ENFJ) and also culture. I find the gender of a person makes a difference, sexual orientation, and also upbringing. I've never actually seen it brought up too much in PerC, but I would imagine the personalities on one's parents might have a bearing on how a person views a relationship, particularly when dealing with a particular type.

Also, it's not a good idea to treat the responses to a started thread like it's the Oracle of Delphi. I mean, even if every ENFJ on the thread says "I would do this, this, this and this." to a particular situation, it doesn't necessarily mean that's how your ENFJ will respond. I find it's good to take everything stated with a grain of salt

Bless this thread. And bless you, dulcinea, for asking what I've been wanting to find out since forever.

-How often is your crush on your mind?
-How guarded would you be with your feelings if you weren't sure if your crush wanted a relationship with you?
-Suppose you liked someone and she liked you back, but following the mutual confession and its accompanying I'm-so-giddy-I-could-die feelings, she suddenly didn't know what to do. How would you act if you perceived this insecurity or distance?
-Why do you like/love the people you do?
-Is it possible for you to lap into ISTP-ish behavior if you perceive suppressed or unresolved romantic tension?
-And finally, what is something I could do to make you feel like you're the only person in the world?

Ugh, sorry for bombarding. I don't expect anyone to answer them all at once...

dulcinea said:

yes "these questions..." I figure that it might be good to get them out of the way, because a lot of the threads I see are people who basically ask "How do I read this ENFJ?" because he or she does this but doesn't do that and is sometimes like this and sometimes like that, what could they possibly mean by this? But that made me think of something.

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Hehehe, what I meant about the questions was given the fact that I'm a type 6w7, there might be a hell of a lot of contradictions in the way I think compared to other types, especially due to the fact that type 6's like myself and Jawz are those who are generally very insecure about many things.

So it's like there's always two sides of us speaking at the same time and it's a matter of which voice we wanna block out. I can relate to both scenarios in your questions and you can notice at times, I switch back and forth depending on the situation. It's like I feel happy cause she might like me but sad cause I used the word "might" so I may lose her. Something like that.

My ESFJ dad just doesn't get it at all... Confuses the absolute hell outta him.... part of a lot of our problems as well. 3:

dulcinea said:

If you guys don't mind, I'd like to mention a few "disclaimers" to anyone who would post a question.

Okay first of all (and I see this mentioned a LOT!) are you sure this person is an ENFJ? I know something I've been seeing Jaws mention a lot lately is that other types such as ESFJ's, ESFPs, INFJs, and, I think, ENFPs get mistyped as ENFJs often.

Also, just because a person is an ENFJ don't expect them to somehow have more insight into your ENFJ than you do. If your in a relationship with a person, you're going to see a lot of the aspects to that person that would motivate them in the things they do just as much as they're jungian type or mbti.

A person's mbti is limited in what it can explain about a person, and there are so many different aspects to a person than just 16 dimensions. KC Tan mentioned in his answer a couple of factors such as enneagram (a type 6 w 7 ENFJ might respond totally differently from a type 1w2 or type 2w3 ENFJ) and also culture. I find the gender of a person makes a difference, sexual orientation, and also upbringing. I've never actually seen it brought up too much in PerC, but I would imagine the personalities on one's parents might have a bearing on how a person views a relationship, particularly when dealing with a particular type.

Also, it's not a good idea to treat the responses to a started thread like it's the Oracle of Delphi. I mean, even if every ENFJ on the thread says "I would do this, this, this and this." to a particular situation, it doesn't necessarily mean that's how your ENFJ will respond. I find it's good to take everything stated with a grain of salt

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I think I need to pay you for this. Fine, in recognition of this, I'm going to edit the OP.

EDIT: BTW, jual mahal in my cultural term means "selling yourself at an expensive price" which is like you're not cheap so you sell yourself for a higher price, demanding more effort. It's commonly used to refer to girls who are "playing hard to get" but often as well to gold-diggers who make themselves available to only the most rich and attractive. Again, depends on context.

EDIT EDIT: Oh dear, it got stickied!!! YAY!!! My first stickied thread. Thanksalot guys!!!

Nice points that were raised here. I think you said it well, @dulcinea, we are more than our MBTI types.

When I post, I post on what I might do in given situations. Other ENFJs might agree or might not agree with my opinions, and that's ok, because in the end we are more than the 4 letters of the MBTI.

As for the questions, I agree with most of the points, you've raised @KC Tan, except for this one:

KC Tan said:

My national language refers to it as "jual mahal" and the Western translation at best is "playing hard to get". It was taught to me through friends and parents and it's known to drive girls that are genuinely serious right up the wall.

I would be there to help her and treat her like she's the center of my world but right at the very next moment, be completely absent. If she calls, I would even go like "Um, can't talk right now. I'll call you back" and not do so. Then when it's time again, I would be all caring again but then suddenly, ice queen and vice versa.

This is to somewhat say that "Hey, I'm not to be taken granted for and you better GET ME as well". The results, when done well, are often extremely profound. Friends and even my dad has testified to the girl calling them up or something one day, completely in tears, begging for them to take her, being in utter tatters. She'll outright confess everything.

Never happened to me before but I'll give it a real go during my next run. Once she's there, I'll give her a good test, ask her some tough questions, play the "you'll never truly love me" or "you're in it for the money" or "if I was fat or when I was fat" and see what she has to say.

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A function of my enneagram and background maybe, but I don't believe in testing a potential mate. I'm basically what-you-see-is-what-you-get. If I like someone, I show behaviors that I like the person, if not...I'd still be polite, but distant. But basically, I don't go hot and cold on someone to test his/her feelings for me. I don't know, I'll feel like I'm not being myself that way...

PeaceOfMind said:

A function of my enneagram and background maybe, but I don't believe in testing a potential mate. I'm basically what-you-see-is-what-you-get. If I like someone, I show behaviors that I like the person, if not...I'd still be polite, but distant. But basically, I don't go hot and cold on someone to test his/her feelings for me. I don't know, I'll feel like I'm not being myself that way...

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I understand actually. However, a lot of it has to do with culture and what happens around this part of the world. Many women in general test men to see whether or not they would make good husbands or fathers. For my side, I'm testing to see whether or not they would make loyal partners.

Regardless, I respect your point. Though it has noble reasons, the means to it is incredibly hurtful and testing. Personally, I do not enjoy the idea of it as well. Perhaps I would meet someone that would not have to make me resort to that, I hope I do. :3

MandarinChild said:

-How often is your crush on your mind?

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Haha, my SO is my crush now, so basically he's on my mind a lot. Several times a day. Sometimes, I'm just in class and I get random thoughts/memories of him.

-How guarded would you be with your feelings if you weren't sure if your crush wanted a relationship with you?

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Ahhh, pretty guarded. I probably would not be overtly showing it as I would if I were in a relationship with him. But the sad part about me is that when I have a crush, it's basically a decision to put someone in a special spot, and he stays there for a long period of time even if he doesn't want a relationship with me. I had a huge crush on an ISTP before, it stayed for more than 2 years even if he didn't feel the same way. I had to consciously let it go so I can entertain other people.

-Suppose you liked someone and she liked you back, but following the mutual confession and its accompanying I'm-so-giddy-I-could-die feelings, she suddenly didn't know what to do. How would you act if you perceived this insecurity or distance?

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Confused. Probably start doubting if she actually meant it. Then I'll start thinking about whether I did or said anything that made this person change his mind. If I can pull myself out of it, I would probably get my answers straight from the source first before I actually do something. IOW, I would try to find out why and then see if there's anything we can do about it. If not, then I would keep my distance too--I'll be like, 'well, if that's what he wants, then...'

-Why do you like/love the people you do?

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Wow, complicated question. I basically believe people have an inner light and they just need to find a way to show it. I like/love people who have clear morals, who are concerned with doing good for other people. And I also have a soft heart for those who are misunderstood or bullied.

-Is it possible for you to lap into ISTP-ish behavior if you perceive suppressed or unresolved romantic tension?

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Hmmm...I don't know much about ISTPs other than former crush, so it might not be accurate, but I don't think I act the same as him when there's unresolved romantic tension. I just get depressed and have dark thoughts, then I try to talk to the other person so that I would know whether I interpreted the situation correctly.

-And finally, what is something I could do to make you feel like you're the only person in the world?

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This one could be influenced a lot by love languages. I'm a sucker for words of affirmation. If you pinpoint something specific that I did or said that you appreciated or liked, I would feel really special. Not sure about the other ENFJs though.

EDIT: I want to put a title here, in order to comply with the rules , but I don't know what to put...

How often is your crush on your mind?

Not referring to the current one, on average around 23 hours a day.

How guarded would you be with your feelings if you weren't sure if your crush wanted a relationship with you?

Very well guarded. The positive feelings that would be beneficial in influencing a relationship would be present but all my inner insecurities would be kept from her, but I'm told I have a shit poker face.

Suppose you liked someone and she liked you back, but following the mutual confession and its accompanying I'm-so-giddy-I-could-die feelings, she suddenly didn't know what to do. How would you act if you perceived this insecurity or distance?

I would be slightly disappointed at first, but mostly at the situation and not anyone. I would learn to accept that people need space and I have clearly violated that so I would do my best to allow her exactly that.

Why do you like/love the people you do?

Well, referring to the current one. Cause she's really really pretty... and she seems like a heck of a fun person that I can get along with and have a good time. She seems serious in wanting a long lasting relationship (though she doesn't have anyone yet, to my knowledge) and I'm only playing for the long run so I want to see if it's worth a shot.

Is it possible for you to lap into ISTP-ish behavior if you perceive suppressed or unresolved romantic tension?

More like ISFJ

And finally, what is something I could do to make you feel like you're the only person in the world?

Tell me, be with me. Love me in a manner that's more than words. Gently and warmly place your head against my heart, rest your soul on mine and be completely transparent and honest to me. Trust me with everything and love me for who I am. Listen to all my inner insecurities and doubts with who I am. Encourage me when I'm down and fight me when I'm an ass, not because you're angry but because you love us (you and me, our relationship). Be intimate with me and trust me enough to love you sexually, despite not being married. Don't ever doubt yourself and my love for you unless you change into someone you're not cause you know that I only love you for being exactly, who you are.

PeaceOfMind said:

Confused. Probably start doubting if she actually meant it. Then I'll start thinking about whether I did or said anything that made this person change his mind. If I can pull myself out of it, I would probably get my answers straight from the source first before I actually do something. IOW, I would try to find out why and then see if there's anything we can do about it. If not, then I would keep my distance too--I'll be like, 'well, if that's what he wants, then...'

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Thank you so much for all your answers. You voiced my suspicions, and this little bit actually makes an uncanny amount of sense in my situation right now...

Wow, complicated question. I basically believe people have an inner light and they just need to find a way to show it. I like/love people who have clear morals, who are concerned with doing good for other people. And I also have a soft heart for those who are misunderstood or bullied.

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ENFJs are just amazing, and this proves it. :')

This one could be influenced a lot by love languages. I'm a sucker for words of affirmation. If you pinpoint something specific that I did or said that you appreciated or liked, I would feel really special. Not sure about the other ENFJs though.

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I've heard this a lot! See, I tend to communicate in more subtle and indirect ways, so I'm going to try to be more verbal about my affections around you guys.

KC Tan said:

How often is your crush on your mind?

Not referring to the current one, on average around 23 hours a day.

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*thud*

Very well guarded. The positive feelings that would be beneficial in influencing a relationship would be present but all my inner insecurities would be kept from her, but I'm told I have a shit poker face.

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Haha, I don't know about your 'shit poker face,' but I have to say that from my experience, it's the ENFJ eyes that can't seem to lie.

Well, referring to the current one. Cause she's really really pretty... and she seems like a heck of a fun person that I can get along with and have a good time. She seems serious in wanting a long lasting relationship (though she doesn't have anyone yet, to my knowledge) and I'm only playing for the long run so I want to see if it's worth a shot.

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Sweet! So I'm curious now: in general, how important are appearances for you? And do you prefer knockouts or down-to-earthiness?

Tell me, be with me. Love me in a manner that's more than words. Gently and warmly place your head against my heart, rest your soul on mine and be completely transparent and honest to me. Trust me with everything and love me for who I am. Listen to all my inner insecurities and doubts with who I am. Encourage me when I'm down and fight me when I'm an ass, not because you're angry but because you love us (you and me, our relationship). Be intimate with me and trust me enough to love you sexually, despite not being married. Don't ever doubt yourself and my love for you unless you change into someone you're not cause you know that I only love you for being exactly, who you are.

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This sounds like everything I've ever wanted to do with/for someone (especially the whole head on heart thing...). :') But what's easy in theory is often hard in practice, only because ENFJs terrify me with their depth, and vertigo is the only drug that could destroy me. Le sigh.

Thanks so much for taking the time to answer.

MandarinChild said:

*thud*

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Don't quite get this part... oh well :3

Haha, I don't know about your 'shit poker face,' but I have to say that from my experience, it's the ENFJ eyes that can't seem to lie.

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Very true.

Sweet! So I'm curious now: in general, how important are appearances for you? And do you prefer knockouts or down-to-earthiness?

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To be completely honest, quite important. I'm not too sure how to justify myself for saying that. On the other hand, it's also part of being genuinely and completely attracted to someone. I want to be able to look at my SO and tell her that she's also beautiful to me. It's something she wants to definitely hear and it's also something I want to genuinely mean.

A pastor once said to me that what's the point of marrying someone you're not physically attracted to and having to wake up every morning to a face you don't love or just can't stand? It should be natural as well. Regardless, my attraction lies with the latter as my taste in women, according to most, are extremely ordinary types. I love those who have a look that "reminds me of home" or "somewhere where I belong".

This sounds like everything I've ever wanted to do with/for someone (especially the whole head on heart thing...). :') But what's easy in theory is often hard in practice, only because ENFJs terrify me with their depth, and vertigo is the only drug that could destroy me. Le sigh.

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Come on INFP, don't tell me you're not wanting it. Love should also be exciting and full of leaps of faith. Go insane and take that plunge or snort it straight into your brain into a cathartic emotional whirlpool of ecstasy and happiness.

Then again, you need someone that's worth it in which you know, would not leave to hanging at the end of the day. Someone you can love and completely and utterly trust. <3

Thanks so much for taking the time to answer

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No problem, it was a pleasure. Thinking about the answers to the questions brings a smile to my face.

Apart from the cliché, 'Being yourself' what can I do to meet more women?

I mean, after my last affair has turned itself to a 'friendship', I've noticed that I don't have many sources of new people coming in my life recently. And I have really, really enjoyed the companionship and intimacy that comes with it. Giving some details, my circles of people revolve around this: Magic the gathering (Not much of a prospect here), Drinking (Not much interesting lately), Studying (Great people, but already known for years) and work (Srs bsns).

Recently, a new girl has joined our lab. I'm thinking about going after her, but I don't wanna be such a dickhead to go after her just 'cause I need some lovin'. But the true is that i'm really lacking some of that.

Am I a dickhead for doing that? And where can I go to meet new people, since I'm not really into clubbing just to 'score some chicks'? I could go to have some fun with friends, but I find it unlikely that i'd be comfortable going to a club to flirt. Suggestions?

KC Tan said:

Regardless, I respect your point. Though it has noble reasons, the means to it is incredibly hurtful and testing. Personally, I do not enjoy the idea of it as well. Perhaps I would meet someone that would not have to make me resort to that, I hope I do. :3

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You'll have the urge stop testing once you fall hopelessly in love and give your partner complete loyalty and trust if they give you complete security - But that will open you up to a possibility of getting manipulated if you trust too much.

Testing other people for 6's is a coping as well as defence mechanism.

Ni interprets signals as "something's not quite right about this" but Fe controls how you test without causing harm though - so the testing we ENFJ's do is never too bad - until and unless the ENFJ is emotionally unhealthy or has a poorly developed Fe.

MandarinChild said:

Bless this thread. And bless you, dulcinea, for asking what I've been wanting to find out since forever.

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-How often is your crush on your mind?

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Really depends. When I was younger [14-22], I was much, much more of a typical feeler than I am now. As I've grown, I've been able to keep better control over my own thoughts. However, I would say that the feeling of the connection is always there and I miss my SO 5-10 times very seriously. If we don't get to talk as much as I would like, then I have a hard time dealing with it - but I have gotten better with age.

However, once I become secure and comfortable in a relationship, I have a tendency to become complacent which comes across as aloofness. But I do miss my SO especially during times of stress and/or conflict.

Oh - and I can never handle it if we don't say our goodbyes.

I need closure after every conversation otherwise it feels like my blood is being drained from my body slowly and my flesh is being torn from my bones.

How guarded would you be with your feelings if you weren't sure if your crush wanted a relationship with you?

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They'd never know I have crush on them. I never initiate a relationship, nor have I ever confessed my feelings to anyone until and unless I'm 100% sure they will be reciprocated. I could be secretly in love with someone for decades and they'd never know.

Suppose you liked someone and she liked you back, but following the mutual confession and its accompanying I'm-so-giddy-I-could-die feelings, she suddenly didn't know what to do. How would you act if you perceived this insecurity or distance?

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Hmmm. I wouldn't be able to relate to this. I have never been rejected, nor have I ever attempted revealing my feelings - so I'll leave others with more experience answer this one. I guard my feelings very, very closely and I don't give a single message that I'm in love with someone even though I may be - I'd rather let a relationship opportunity go rather than create the awkwardness that ensues from limerence or rejection. Also - my culture has something to do with this as I was raised to *never* even consider a relationship out of wedlock / engagement.

Something I'm unlearning now - but I still have extreme difficulty doing the things a normal couple would do because of my cultural brain-washing.

Why do you like/love the people you do?

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No idea. The feelings are just either there or not. My first few crushes / loves were 'natural' in the sense that I just fell in love without wanting to - but recently I made a conscious effort to do so when the opportunity presented itself and I did. I used to believe in 'love at first sight' and I've experienced that as well. I've experienced all kinds of love and none of the women I've loved were the same, or treated me in a particular way - so my feelings are just either there, or not. I have no idea why I love / like the way I do.

Is it possible for you to lap into ISTP-ish behavior if you perceive suppressed or unresolved romantic tension?

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I get extremely angry - but I take out the anger on myself. Towards the end of my relationship with my ex when I finally *knew* that she was manipulating and cheating on me, I used to become extremely angry - there was a lot, and I mean a lot of interference by her family in our marriage and they constantly brainwashed her against me as well - it was a huge mess.

I have several scars on my fists, I dislocated a finger, I really, really hurt myself - tortured myself to the core because the emotional pain of the abuse was too severe - but I couldn't dish it out - I could never dish out pain on anyone else. I did scream and shout - and in one of our fights, I completely snapped and broke my walking stick with so much force that it broke a few tiles in my washroom.

I've punched holes in doors [before marriage during my engagement when I would feel like I was being manipulated by my fiance] - I was never fully at peace in the relationship but I was completely bound by love as they say - and blind to the manipulations I was being put through. The guilt of being partially disabled played into it as well - my ex used to taunt me by saying that

"you're lucky I'm engaged to you because no other girl would ever love you because of your knee" --- and more than half the time I would believe her. She and her family used my disability to keep me locked and dominated.

The sad part is that and I knew it, I always knew I was being manipulated but my anger would come out in private and I've gone so far as stab myself in the chest with a knife just to make the emotional pain I felt real :/ The scar is gone now, but I will never forget the feeling of the knife going in - and the sudden release of emotions as well as the fear I experienced that night.

I have an in-built rage in me that I've only been able to control as I've grown older.

And finally, what is something I could do to make you feel like you're the only person in the world?

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Simple unconditional love. Security, certainty and peace of mind. No games. No playing hard to get. No shutting out of communication. Acceptance of my flaws and occasional praise of my strengths. Open and honest communication.

KC Tan said:

Don't quite get this part... oh well :3

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I just meant that if someone had me on their mind for 23/24 hours at a time, I'd be swooning all over the place.

Regardless, my attraction lies with the latter as my taste in women, according to most, are extremely ordinary types. I love those who have a look that "reminds me of home" or "somewhere where I belong".

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Parallels my own tastes as well.

Come on INFP, don't tell me you're not wanting it. Love should also be exciting and full of leaps of faith. Go insane and take that plunge or snort it straight into your brain into a cathartic emotional whirlpool of ecstasy and happiness.

Then again, you need someone that's worth it in which you know, would not leave to hanging at the end of the day. Someone you can love and completely and utterly trust. <3

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Hehe, thanks for the motivation. I shall do my best.

No problem, it was a pleasure. Thinking about the answers to the questions brings a smile to my face.

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Jawz said:

Really depends. When I was younger [14-22], I was much, much more of a typical feeler than I am now. As I've grown, I've been able to keep better control over my own thoughts. However, I would say that the feeling of the connection is always there and I miss my SO 5-10 times very seriously. If we don't get to talk as much as I would like, then I have a hard time dealing with it - but I have gotten better with age.

However, once I become secure and comfortable in a relationship, I have a tendency to become complacent which comes across as aloofness. But I do miss my SO especially during times of stress and/or conflict.

Oh - and I can never handle it if we don't say our goodbyes.

I need closure after every conversation otherwise it feels like my blood is being drained from my body slowly and my flesh is being torn from my bones.

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I like what you said about conversational closure. It's so funny because this is so different from myself--have to admit I prefer a bit of lingering ambiguity myself. This way I feel like all my conversations are connected and like one ongoing dialogue.

No idea. The feelings are just either there or not. My first few crushes / loves were 'natural' in the sense that I just fell in love without wanting to - but recently I made a conscious effort to do so when the opportunity presented itself and I did. I used to believe in 'love at first sight' and I've experienced that as well. I've experienced all kinds of love and none of the women I've loved were the same, or treated me in a particular way - so my feelings are just either there, or not. I have no idea why I love / like the way I do.

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This is actually the ideal answer I was hoping to see.

I get extremely angry - but I take out the anger on myself. Towards the end of my relationship with my ex when I finally *knew* that she was manipulating and cheating on me, I used to become extremely angry - there was a lot, and I mean a lot of interference by her family in our marriage and they constantly brainwashed her against me as well - it was a huge mess.

I have several scars on my fists, I dislocated a finger, I really, really hurt myself - tortured myself to the core because the emotional pain of the abuse was too severe - but I couldn't dish it out - I could never dish out pain on anyone else. I did scream and shout - and in one of our fights, I completely snapped and broke my walking stick with so much force that it broke a few tiles in my washroom.

I've punched holes in doors [before marriage during my engagement when I would feel like I was being manipulated by my fiance] - I was never fully at peace in the relationship but I was completely bound by love as they say - and blind to the manipulations I was being put through. The guilt of being partially disabled played into it as well - my ex used to taunt me by saying that

"you're lucky I'm engaged to you because no other girl would ever love you because of your knee" --- and more than half the time I would believe her. She and her family used my disability to keep me locked and dominated.

The sad part is that and I knew it, I always knew I was being manipulated but my anger would come out in private and I've gone so far as stab myself in the chest with a knife just to make the emotional pain I felt real :/ The scar is gone now, but I will never forget the feeling of the knife going in - and the sudden release of emotions as well as the fear I experienced that night.

I have an in-built rage in me that I've only been able to control as I've grown older.

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I want to thank you for your honesty and openness. I really do enjoy reading posts like these that come from real experiences and lived stories. You strike me as incredibly strong and kind at once, and I'm looking forward to reading more about your life.

Football Manager

Okay, I feel a little weird for this but here goes.

There's someone I'm currently attracted to right now. By all accounts, if I were to type her, the best I can confirm so far is an EXFX (with slight inclination towards ENFP). She's fun, happy, spunky, attentive and sorta open minded to a lotta stuff. She once found my brother's porn stash and instead of acting all disgusted, she was laughing hysterically.

Anyways, this person is my brother's friend. They used to study together in Foundation levels but separated when it came to degree courses. She's 19 like him, whereas I'm 21. She's a Chinese girl, with some inclination of being Chinese educated (fluent in Mandarin) so I would assume she was brought up in a very Chinese-like background.

Oddly enough, she's got a bit of a dirty mouth and swears casually. That would normally be a deal-breaker but fuck, you guys know how much I swear enough to know it's more of an asset to me.

Problem is, she's nothing more than an acquaintance and the thing is, there is currently speaking, an INTP competitor who has been onto her for months (lets say around four months). They exchange a lot of text messages and they seem somewhat close. We know he's into her but we don't know if the feeling is mutual.

The INTP competitor is a friend of my brother and I feel a lil guilty for wanting to go after her cause I barely know her and we hardly speak. However, there is a small advantage to my side because my brother told her that I found her attractive which perhaps might have made her notice me a lil bit.

Still, this is the main issue with what's I'm over-analyzing a bit about, which is my competition.

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The INTP knows her for months already and has been making small advances, being really nice and all that. However, this guy is a Malay-Muslim and she is a Chinese. In my country, if a non-Muslim were to have to marry a Muslim, the non-Muslim HAS TO BE ALL MEANS, convert to Islam. The INTP is not a devout Muslim but still, these are the laws of this country and everyone knows that.

There have even been issues about it whereby family members are facing problems because the government has been know to sorta "change the information" to all the non-Muslim's family members' religion to Muslim as well. Muslims here, face many restrictions in terms of not being able to consume alcohol, eat pork and do many other stuff which I'm not too sure of.

Us Chinese are extremely family orientated people and we tend to always stick by our traditions and rituals, praying to our respective idols (for non-Christians) and what not which is again, forbidden by Islam cause if you're a Muslim, you pray to no one else but Allah.

For myself, at best I am a free-thinker (or postponing Christian) and I am extremely lenient with my views of religion and cultural practices. I hardly follow shit but I don't tell anyone what they can or cannot do in this regard.

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With this situation, I'm still not sure if the advantage is very much on my side or not. On one side, the INTP has familiarity, time and has already moved much further than I have. However, the problem for him might be given the circumstance, the girl might not even have actually considered him as anything more than a close friend to begin with.

My advantage on the other hand, though more superficial is that I'm more friendly and direct with less cultural burdens from my side. I've been told that according to her taste, she likes well groomed Chinese looking men with good complexion (I still can't believe I was told this TBH and more so, saying it) and according to most people, I do look rather Chinese and for a man, I have oddly very good complexion (oh God, I can't believe I said that). Plus, she knows I find her attractive.

From observation, what I noticed my competitor has is that she's naturally more comfortable with him around, often placing herself near him or at least finding some time to at least say something or share something, like showing funny Youtube videos (but then again, this could just be an extroverted quality). But that could be just because she's comfortable around him as a friend. Far as I know, she might have even friendzoned his ass. When asked, she said that he's just a nice guy, not much more.

This girl, as well all know, despite the spunkyness and happy-go-lucky attitude, is looking for something serious, and while I'm not too sure about my opposition, I know I'm in for that game only.

Again, his advantage is familiarity, comfort, friendship and given some small advances, she might know he likes her, though currently I don't see reciprocation. However, his disadvantage lies with religious issues and being friendzoned. I'm not too sure what is his game cause he's an INTP. He's more of the good guy type that doesn't smoke and swear but given her language sometimes, I'm not sure if this is an advantage.

My advantage is maturity in age and in conduct, falling in line more with her taste and being overall more upward and direct, avoiding the friendzone trap and the fact I can communicate Mandarin slightly (I'm working on it so mastering it wouldn't take long). My disadvantage lies with lack of time spent, the fact that I smoke (though I'm stopping) and that I'm overweight (but I'm working out a lot so now I'm just big apparently). My game is the Bruno Mars and Edward Cullen for lack of a better term but then again, she's no INFP.

Make no mistake, she speaks perfect English and primarily so language might not be a barrier at all.

The whole analysis is like a complete Football match where two managers with different playing styles going head to head. ENFJ vs. INTP. Passionate Lover vs. Silent Assassin. It's his home turf where I'm playing away but do my advantages overpower his?

Sorry for being so incredibly long winded. I'm trying to provide as much information as I can possible.

My question is;

Would you go after a girl that someone you know (an acquaintance at least) is going after for a long time, whereas you've been there only just?

From the information provided, in your opinion, who has the overall advantage?

Given the religious issue, would you personally be unaffected by it or would it somewhat too much of a burden unto you and your family to even consider it? (I'm so incredibly sorry for playing this card, I hate myself a lil for it but I'm realistic and this is the situation in my country)

Do you think that with the information provided, my competitor has been friendzoned? (Cause if he is, then it would be completely my game already cause it's not my fault if she doesn't see him as a potential partner, regardless how long he's liked her and I'm not going to let her slip away just because of that)

Lastly, do you think my game would work?

Feel free to ask any additional questions. Thanks.