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Ok ENTPs, lay it into me. I'm an ISFJ (mainly, I feel pretty close to ISTJ too) who is dating a solid ENTP. Dating using the term loosely and I need to pick his mind. Here goes.

ENTP use to date my best friend many, many, years ago. I met him initially when I was going through a bad breakup with my boyfriend (now ex-husband) and was absolutely devastated. Ex-husband did lots of terrible things (cheating, lying, etc.) but 'I loved him' and wanted us to be together. This ENTP laid into me on how stupid I was to hold out for him and let it go. I was extremely codependent/gaslit back then and this ENTP was an alcoholic, so even though he was right, he went about telling me how dumb I was in the most toxic of ways. We were not fond of each other (or so I thought) and I directly avoided him in any social outing since then.

Fast forward to March of 2019 - did lots of CoDA work, am single and loving it, nothing like my old self. He pops up on tinder as a match and I originally matched him to sass him. 'Gonna show him how much I changed' I told myself. We ended up having a decent conversation, then meeting for coffee as 'old friends.' Next thing I know I'm asking for my friend's blessing (received it) and I'm dating this ENTP. He is no longer drinking and acknowledged it fueled his toxicity towards me. He said he reflected in hindsight that even though he was dating my friend he was taken aback at my looks and strength, and thinks part of his anger was at not being able to pursue me.
We would meet up 1 to 3 times a week, go out on dates, have sex, cuddle, etc. In May of 2019 he got really depressed and disappeared for a month. He came back, apologized, and we started back up again. In July we talked about where we were going and he said while he liked me he wanted to pursue his bi side more and not be locked down. I was fine with that, and kept doing my thing, but as time went on we got closer and closer. In January of this year he said he enjoyed me but didn’t know how we’d be long term so I said we need to stop it. Now, in March, we’ve reconnected again per his request and are back in the old routine.
This is the super abridged version, but TLDR, ENTP and I are in an on again off again relationship where he likes me and comes up with reasons to not make it official but keeps wanting me around. I like him a lot, and while I’d like it official, I’m also strong enough to walk away. ENTPs, how do I know you actually LIKE me and don’t just want me for sex and companionship? Why does he keep going through this cycle of hot and cold?
 

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Ok ENTPs, lay it into me. I'm an ISFJ (mainly, I feel pretty close to ISTJ too) who is dating a solid ENTP. Dating using the term loosely and I need to pick his mind. Here goes.

ENTP use to date my best friend many, many, years ago. I met him initially when I was going through a bad breakup with my boyfriend (now ex-husband) and was absolutely devastated. Ex-husband did lots of terrible things (cheating, lying, etc.) but 'I loved him' and wanted us to be together. This ENTP laid into me on how stupid I was to hold out for him and let it go. I was extremely codependent/gaslit back then and this ENTP was an alcoholic, so even though he was right, he went about telling me how dumb I was in the most toxic of ways. We were not fond of each other (or so I thought) and I directly avoided him in any social outing since then.

Fast forward to March of 2019 - did lots of CoDA work, am single and loving it, nothing like my old self. He pops up on tinder as a match and I originally matched him to sass him. 'Gonna show him how much I changed' I told myself. We ended up having a decent conversation, then meeting for coffee as 'old friends.' Next thing I know I'm asking for my friend's blessing (received it) and I'm dating this ENTP. He is no longer drinking and acknowledged it fueled his toxicity towards me. He said he reflected in hindsight that even though he was dating my friend he was taken aback at my looks and strength, and thinks part of his anger was at not being able to pursue me.
We would meet up 1 to 3 times a week, go out on dates, have sex, cuddle, etc. In May of 2019 he got really depressed and disappeared for a month. He came back, apologized, and we started back up again. In July we talked about where we were going and he said while he liked me he wanted to pursue his bi side more and not be locked down. I was fine with that, and kept doing my thing, but as time went on we got closer and closer. In January of this year he said he enjoyed me but didn’t know how we’d be long term so I said we need to stop it. Now, in March, we’ve reconnected again per his request and are back in the old routine.
This is the super abridged version, but TLDR, ENTP and I are in an on again off again relationship where he likes me and comes up with reasons to not make it official but keeps wanting me around. I like him a lot, and while I’d like it official, I’m also strong enough to walk away. ENTPs, how do I know you actually LIKE me and don’t just want me for sex and companionship? Why does he keep going through this cycle of hot and cold?
Not specific to ENTP.

Being that he has an addiction/impulse control issue it seems. I would
put forth that if he was over the moon about you he would need you
and make that a priority. You may just be old faithful. Fill in
the dead time. Could be commitment issues (fear of loss and/or fear
of loosing freedom).

So much it may be.

Occam's razor? = Hes flighty.

So what is your decision should be the question. Not what is his.

He likes you no doubt. At his level. So again...ball is in your court.
 

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@Redtide

I’m not an ENTP, but I was with one on and off as well. He was also a recovering alcoholic and had been sober for 5 years. I’ve come to learn that the term “dry drunk” can hold a lot of relevance for some because someone can be completely sober from substance use, but still engage in those dysfunctional behaviours of their addiction otherwise.

For whatever it’s worth, just wanted to share.
 

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INFJ 4w5
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ENTPs.... what's the best course of action for dealing with flaky communication? Like, what kind of attitude or responses help the most?

I've been seeing this ENTP guy and when we do get together it's fantastic and it's very clear we both want to spend more time with each other. But he's maybe the worst texter on the planet and I constantly worry about him flaking on our plans because he cancels a lot. Generally, it just kind of makes me feel kind of pathetic lol. I guess it feels humiliating to text to an unresponding wall a lot. I'd honestly even cut it off for that alone if he weren't so thoughtful and extra and obviously caring when we hang out IRL.

My inclination is to call him out and I do kind of tease him about it from time to time. I guess I just don't know how to respond in a way that doesn't potentially push him away more.
 

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ENTPs.... what's the best course of action for dealing with flaky communication? Like, what kind of attitude or responses help the most?

I've been seeing this ENTP guy and when we do get together it's fantastic and it's very clear we both want to spend more time with each other. But he's maybe the worst texter on the planet and I constantly worry about him flaking on our plans because he cancels a lot. Generally, it just kind of makes me feel kind of pathetic lol. I guess it feels humiliating to text to an unresponding wall a lot. I'd honestly even cut it off for that alone if he weren't so thoughtful and extra and obviously caring when we hang out IRL.

My inclination is to call him out and I do kind of tease him about it from time to time. I guess I just don't know how to respond in a way that doesn't potentially push him away more.
This is just me, and Im a relatively mature female in her mid 30s. But I appreciate clear messages and for people to be very specific and honest in their expectations towards me. if someone feels im being too flaky I can do with a "real talk" on the subject. (which has been done and been appreciated several times.)

Because even though im not trying to NOT be considerate, Im not hyper aware when im being inconsiderate. In all sorts of relationships really. I talked to a friend earlier today that ive known for over 14 years and she has had that talk with me twice. Ive had it with her once (she kept canceling our appointments many many years ago and I talked to her about it. Wondering why. Turned out it was severe anxiety. Not relating to me, but it made it difficult for her to follow through. Her talks with me was about being.. well not there. Not calling, not texting. She was always the one to make contact. And in both cases. I think the real talk was worth it. I learned how she felt (after all, Im not a mind reader) and she was able to tell me about her issue with anxiety which became a thing to strengthen our relationship.

I have another friend i made at the same time as this one. We are always super honest and straightforward with each other. Which has worked really well for our friendship. First of all, there is nothing we can't be honest about. We really understand each other. and we both have that need for straight talk.

Also, a lot this year Ive just gone on a spree reminding people that I need straight talk. I want people to just be full out honest. Thats what i need. My job is being a behavioral analyst (this is a pretty big part of my job) and that mixed with anxiety issues became a big problem. When people made their wishes soft I couldn't really get that. I filled it in with analysis of a whole set of things. (which in this case made the anxiety worse)

Earlier in life. If people made consistent jokes about stuff that could also have been intended as serious I would have taken it as a joke.

lol: TL;DR:
Im thinking you should be straight forward.


questions:
how long have you been seeing each other? have you had any talks that touches on defining what you're doing etc? or what the relation between you are?
 

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INTJ 5w4 (Sp/Sx) 594
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For ENTP women, are INFJ men that desirable?
I'm not looking for a date or anything like that, but as INFJ men are typically potrayed with feminine qualities such as sensitivity and are adverse to conflict, are they viewed as attractive?
Throughout the internet, you will find that INFJ and ENTP pairings are common. But I find that more likely to be the case when the ENTP is the male of the relationship.

I am well aware that pairings based on personality types are unreliable at best and it wholly depends on the health of the people involved, but let's just accept it for the sake of the argument.
 

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ENTPs.... what's the best course of action for dealing with flaky communication? Like, what kind of attitude or responses help the most?

I've been seeing this ENTP guy and when we do get together it's fantastic and it's very clear we both want to spend more time with each other. But he's maybe the worst texter on the planet and I constantly worry about him flaking on our plans because he cancels a lot. Generally, it just kind of makes me feel kind of pathetic lol. I guess it feels humiliating to text to an unresponding wall a lot. I'd honestly even cut it off for that alone if he weren't so thoughtful and extra and obviously caring when we hang out IRL.

My inclination is to call him out and I do kind of tease him about it from time to time. I guess I just don't know how to respond in a way that doesn't potentially push him away more.
So, I am an ENTP and I am the same way, in general. But the thing is, it's because there is a general flakiness going on. ENTPs detest patterns even though they recognize them. They do not mind conflict and so their avoiding a pattern can become a conflict within them, of course. This is the reason my type is often called 'Tragicomical'.

For instance, I almost cannot fill out forms. It causes me physical pain. I fret, sweat, and get loud. It makes me so angry. I have, when I was younger threatened physically many clerks when they backed me into a corner with useless paperwork. The more useless, like internal company job applications when I already have a resume, the worse my reaction. ENTPs ... do not comply. If you can 'get with this' realization, it can help you.

Most ENTPs I know roll with surprises fairly well. You do an end run around the pattern and viola! Of course, you may discover the entertainment aims of your ENTP have strayed beyond good judgment. Although you can and should judge, IN THE MOMENT of the surprise which is then your fault, IS NOT THE TIME. That time it is best to be widely forgiving and then proceed to clarity, thought, and judgment later. That will allow the ENTP time to defrazzle and be more genuine.

Being tied to communication, or any schedule is anathema to ENTPs (like me and that I know). If you are getting ANYTHING REGULAR from an ENTP, count yourself already lucky, as in, ... realize they are already bending for you. In general, they do not do regular. If something becomes 'safe' or too regular, the ENTP is very likely to suddenly change. If you change BEFORE things get to regular the ENTP is likely to ... HAPPILY ... adjust in flow. I know this is hard for a comfort pattern seeker.

As best you can, without seeming judgment, properly communicate your needs with strength and fair mindedness. Over time this will penetrate the thick hide of the ENTP and get to their moral vision center. They will open up and figure out a way to make compliance with what is right, if your pattern is right, more fun and tolerable to them. If you can get that considerable energy working for you, you both win.
 

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Thanks for answering! Yeah I have had a real talk with him once, IRL. Mostly some stuff to reassure myself- expressing to him that it kind of sucks for me lol and I'm not sure how much he cares or why he does it when it happens. Now that we talked I know he has some issues with depression, too, and that he does this to all his friends, not just me... So that helped to clarify and he seemed to take the discussion well. I'm trying not to take it personally. I guess my problem is that this pattern hasn't really changed in any noticeable way since, although maybe he is trying a bit harder. I guess it's hard to tell. I guess I just don't want to keep bringing it up or nag at all. I feel like I should just accept this but it's kind of hard to me. I'm such an extremely available texter and touching base without having to meet IRL and schedule a meet is important to me. This means that when we're busy we really don't talk at all, whereas I keep a lot of friendships even when I'm busy and even when we're physically apart. So this relationship seems hampered by this more than any of my others.

I guess I should also say that I'm 21 and he's 22 and we are in a depressing place to be right now, so maybe there isn't a whole lot going for us in terms of mental health and maturity right now lolll

questions:
how long have you been seeing each other? have you had any talks that touches on defining what you're doing etc? or what the relation between you are?
Hah we're a bit of a mess in terms of like, what we are officially. We've been seeing each other on and off for a year now. It started as a really casual fwb, dates and sex sort of thing. I guess we were both pretty disenchanted with dating and didn't expect much from each other. He's in an open relationship with someone who is asexual, and they have this agreement where he can kind of just fuck around town lol. Not how I'd do it but whatever. Well, we definitely like each other too much. And recently we both confessed crushes on each other, which seems like a goofy out of way order to go about things, but that's big, I think, for both of us. We've hung out without having sex now, and we're planning a camping trip for a week... Yeah, it's a mess. Definitely not a sustainable emotional situation for me, and I have a feeling that emotional entanglement is not really on the table in his relationship. So we're not in a relationship and I'm assuming we'll never be, even though we've both caught feelings and are basically not sleeping with anyone else right now. (Though that's due to covid lol) Lol yeah what a mess! I'd be looking elsewhere for a more longterm monogamous partner but covid has really messed up dating for the foreseeable future. Oops.
 

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So, I am an ENTP and I am the same way, in general. But the thing is, it's because there is a general flakiness going on. ENTPs detest patterns even though they recognize them. They do not mind conflict and so their avoiding a pattern can become a conflict within them, of course. This is the reason my type is often called 'Tragicomical'.

For instance, I almost cannot fill out forms. It causes me physical pain. I fret, sweat, and get loud. It makes me so angry. I have, when I was younger threatened physically many clerks when they backed me into a corner with useless paperwork. The more useless, like internal company job applications when I already have a resume, the worse my reaction. ENTPs ... do not comply. If you can 'get with this' realization, it can help you.

Most ENTPs I know roll with surprises fairly well. You do an end run around the pattern and viola! Of course, you may discover the entertainment aims of your ENTP have strayed beyond good judgment. Although you can and should judge, IN THE MOMENT of the surprise which is then your fault, IS NOT THE TIME. That time it is best to be widely forgiving and then proceed to clarity, thought, and judgment later. That will allow the ENTP time to defrazzle and be more genuine.

Being tied to communication, or any schedule is anathema to ENTPs (like me and that I know). If you are getting ANYTHING REGULAR from an ENTP, count yourself already lucky, as in, ... realize they are already bending for you. In general, they do not do regular. If something becomes 'safe' or too regular, the ENTP is very likely to suddenly change. If you change BEFORE things get to regular the ENTP is likely to ... HAPPILY ... adjust in flow. I know this is hard for a comfort pattern seeker.

As best you can, without seeming judgment, properly communicate your needs with strength and fair mindedness. Over time this will penetrate the thick hide of the ENTP and get to their moral vision center. They will open up and figure out a way to make compliance with what is right, if your pattern is right, more fun and tolerable to them. If you can get that considerable energy working for you, you both win.
Yeah I think I just have to keep talking about this. I just don't want to be a drag, to both of us even. I don't want to even be nagging, myself. Lame.

He's definitely done a lot of things for me and showed a lot of effort so whenever I see him I'm reassured again. I also suspected as much with regularity and patterns. I'm definitely the pining type so long breaks in communication are at once shitty and at least actually helpful in keeping cool about the whole thing and not getting too attached. So I guess there's some good and bad effects to this. I'm impressed we even still talk to each other a year out. It's hard to deny when there's something there, I guess.

I guess this goes with this sort of pretty extreme spontaneity he has. It's something I've always liked about him. Whenever we hang out it never even goes remotely the same way, and all of them usually make good stories later. He won't respond to mundane texts about scheduling as quickly as he will to interesting questions or topics or random stuff. It might be worth it as you say to try something new from time to time. It's fun and I do want to be more spontaneous and engaging, but the idea that I'm there to entertain is pretty dehumanizing to me, even if that's what he voluntarily offers in return. I kind of feel like I just need to be on the lookout for a more longterm partner and not expect as much from him in that area.
 

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@Polexia - Poxy! :) I haven't seen you around here in a long time :)

I'm still getting used to the new alerts system, but I guess I posted here at some point, because I got notified that there was a response to this thread.

Anyway, not to derail, but I just wanted to say hi, lol.
 

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@Polexia - Poxy! :) I haven't seen you around here in a long time :)

I'm still getting used to the new alerts system, but I guess I posted here at some point, because I got notified that there was a response to this thread.

Anyway, not to derail, but I just wanted to say hi, lol.
Ooooh Veggie \o/ hi!
I haven’t really been active since 2017. I think I posted a little in 2018. But it wasn’t much. I just came back a week ago :D

Hope you’re well

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

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Thanks for answering! Yeah I have had a real talk with him once, IRL. Mostly some stuff to reassure myself- expressing to him that it kind of sucks for me lol and I'm not sure how much he cares or why he does it when it happens. Now that we talked I know he has some issues with depression, too, and that he does this to all his friends, not just me... So that helped to clarify and he seemed to take the discussion well. I'm trying not to take it personally. I guess my problem is that this pattern hasn't really changed in any noticeable way since, although maybe he is trying a bit harder. I guess it's hard to tell. I guess I just don't want to keep bringing it up or nag at all. I feel like I should just accept this but it's kind of hard to me. I'm such an extremely available texter and touching base without having to meet IRL and schedule a meet is important to me. This means that when we're busy we really don't talk at all, whereas I keep a lot of friendships even when I'm busy and even when we're physically apart. So this relationship seems hampered by this more than any of my others.

I guess I should also say that I'm 21 and he's 22 and we are in a depressing place to be right now, so maybe there isn't a whole lot going for us in terms of mental health and maturity right now lolll



Hah we're a bit of a mess in terms of like, what we are officially. We've been seeing each other on and off for a year now. It started as a really casual fwb, dates and sex sort of thing. I guess we were both pretty disenchanted with dating and didn't expect much from each other. He's in an open relationship with someone who is asexual, and they have this agreement where he can kind of just fuck around town lol. Not how I'd do it but whatever. Well, we definitely like each other too much. And recently we both confessed crushes on each other, which seems like a goofy out of way order to go about things, but that's big, I think, for both of us. We've hung out without having sex now, and we're planning a camping trip for a week... Yeah, it's a mess. Definitely not a sustainable emotional situation for me, and I have a feeling that emotional entanglement is not really on the table in his relationship. So we're not in a relationship and I'm assuming we'll never be, even though we've both caught feelings and are basically not sleeping with anyone else right now. (Though that's due to covid lol) Lol yeah what a mess! I'd be looking elsewhere for a more longterm monogamous partner but covid has really messed up dating for the foreseeable future. Oops.
Well, after additional information I’m thinking that maybe you need to decide what you want first and foremost. Would you be ok having a prolonged relationship with someone in an open relationship? If that how it ends up being?

Also,I’d still go for a talk about what you guys are doing. Maybe opting for vulnerability telling you where you’re at and then leave it to him to tell you what he is thinking?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

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Beer Guardian
ENTP 5w6 So/Sx 584 ILE Honorary INTJ
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ENTPs.... what's the best course of action for dealing with flaky communication? Like, what kind of attitude or responses help the most?

I've been seeing this ENTP guy and when we do get together it's fantastic and it's very clear we both want to spend more time with each other. But he's maybe the worst texter on the planet and I constantly worry about him flaking on our plans because he cancels a lot. Generally, it just kind of makes me feel kind of pathetic lol. I guess it feels humiliating to text to an unresponding wall a lot. I'd honestly even cut it off for that alone if he weren't so thoughtful and extra and obviously caring when we hang out IRL.

My inclination is to call him out and I do kind of tease him about it from time to time. I guess I just don't know how to respond in a way that doesn't potentially push him away more.
You may damage the vibe, but you deserve to be notified if plans change. If he won't take that seriously, you may have to reconsider the relationship.
 

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ENTPs.... what's the best course of action for dealing with flaky communication? Like, what kind of attitude or responses help the most?

I've been seeing this ENTP guy and when we do get together it's fantastic and it's very clear we both want to spend more time with each other. But he's maybe the worst texter on the planet and I constantly worry about him flaking on our plans because he cancels a lot. Generally, it just kind of makes me feel kind of pathetic lol. I guess it feels humiliating to text to an unresponding wall a lot. I'd honestly even cut it off for that alone if he weren't so thoughtful and extra and obviously caring when we hang out IRL.

My inclination is to call him out and I do kind of tease him about it from time to time. I guess I just don't know how to respond in a way that doesn't potentially push him away more.

My experience (INFJ as well :)) has been that you have to learn to compartmentalize an ENTP friend. When they come out to play, enjoy them & the time you have with them. When they disappear, tuck them away in their box & go back to your business. If you mean something to them, they’ll keep you in their world.
 

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Thanks everyone. He's been getting back to me a little more consistently lately, which I've been appreciating. And we're going to go on a backpacking trip all next week which will be really nice. It'll be the most consecutive time we've spent together so I hope it'll be good and maybe more of a chance to talk a little more deeply than OMG WE'RE HERE WHEEE haha

@Polexia I don't think I'd be happy with things staying as they are for a really long time, and at the end of the day I've come to realize that I'm monogamous at heart. To me this seems temporary, but at the same time there's so much I like about him that he raises the bar for what I'd want in a longterm partner, haha. Which I don't think is a bad thing. I guess I'm ok for now in having a pretty enjoyable situation until I find someone who's really right for me, though it does come with a bit of heartache. I guess it's a matter of keeping that in check. But yeah, talking together is better than not.

@Kelly Kapowski I think you really hit the nail on the head there. Come to think of it, that's what one of my best friends basically was trying to tell me. I think the fact that we went on a basically blind date well over a year ago now and we've only gotten closer, even with pretty long breaks in between, means that I don't think either of us are ghosting anytime soon. I think it'd be best to enjoy when we're together and try not to focus on him too much when we're not. A lot of times I only feel sad and lonely about it when I'm having honestly unrelated problems anyway.
 

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Kinda more of a broad question, but any other polyamorous ENTPs in here? & If so, how do y'all handle it and do you believe your personality type has any influence on such?
 

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@HAL 9000

I know what it's like to be with an amazing person who isn't monogamous and/or isn't reliable. My prediction: The longer you stay in this situation, the more it will mess you up. Especially at your young age. (Voice of experience.)

Not a judgment of nonmonogamous or freewheeling people. But if that isn't what you want....
 
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