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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I originally posted this in my blog, but am thinking I might receive more responses if I post as a thread.....:

I am hoping for some advice.

Learning about being an ISFJ has been helpful for sure. But I can't seem to bring that knowledge into my emotionally charged mind and try to CHANGE some of the faults I have.

My temper is huge. When I am hurt I lash out as hard as I can, trying to hurt the other person as much as I am hurting. It is SO WRONG I know. I become this completely irrational person when I go into my emotional state. I REALLY want to change this-I want to be able to state calmly and rationally that I found such and such hurtful. I want to be able to not get so angry and think everyone is just out to get me, or they just don't care enough etc etc. And while I am typing this I still question people and their motives. :frustrating: I don't trust people to have my best interests in mind. I trust people to watch out for themselves and no one else. When someone is nice I wonder why.

I am stuck in this vicious cycle and want to get out. I want to protect myself without lashing out at others-I am sure it can be done. I think I feel if I don't lash out people will not really understand how hurt I am or how serious the situation is. And that is such a warped view I know. If they can't take me seriously with me being calm and rational, well hell I probably shouldn't be friends with them in the first place.

During this repetitive epiphany of mine, I KNOW what I should be doing when something happens that I find hurtful-take a step back. Breathe. Calm the heck down. I forget all this though when I'm all emotional......maybe that sounds like the biggest cop-out. But no. I need a little creature on my shoulder that pinches me and 'wakes me up' so to speak before I delve too deep into the emotion. Any suggestions?

Thanx for reading.
 

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I don't really know much about the subject, but if it's a really huge deal in your life, you could always consider anger management or some other type of therapy. I know they cost money, but they'd probably be able to help you out in a much more detailed manner than anyone here could.

But, if it's not as huge of a deal, you may just want to find other ways of letting out your anger. Some physical activity, like a sport or even something like kickboxing, may help you vent a little. Or you could try writing. Or hit pillows. I don't know, just something to let some things out. Or find people who can listen to your anger, knowing that you're just venting and not directing it at them.

Also, if you ever find yourself getting mad at someone, you can try to just stop whatever you're doing at that moment, and find a way to leave the situation and cool off before coming back.


I think the other thing is you just have to do your best sometimes to take people at their word when they say they really mean something. I think a lot of ISFJ's have a tendency to assume the worst. But it helps if you remind yourself that it's you doing that, not them. Unless there's a rational reason to believe something, you have to tell yourself that it's all in your head, even if you have to do it multiple times, and even if you don't fully believe it. The more you do it, the more you will believe it, and usually the more proof there is that you're wrong, and it makes it easier to believe.

I still struggle with this myself, sometimes. It's what leads to my confidence issues. I assume the worst case scenario without proof,(and I think ISFJ's do this so much because we like to be prepared for the worst, since we hate bad surprises so much), tell myself that people don't like me (or if that they knew everything about me they wouldn't like me), and start forgetting all of my positive qualities and swimming in the negative ones. But very rarely do other people ever do things to indicate they don't like me! I go out of my way to assume people don't mean what they say, and that they're "just being nice". It's all in my head.

You just have to remind yourself that ISFJ's tend to do this, and that all of the negative thoughts are coming from you, not them. Don't let yourself dwell on the negative, forcefully push it out of your mind. It's not easy, and I still haven't perfected it, but the more I stick with it and the more persistent I am, the happier I become, the better I feel as a person, and I think the more I have a good time with other people.
 

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Wow! I literally blogged about this topic on Tumblr 12 hours before you posted it on here. I'm wondering the EXACT same thing about myself.

When I get upset, I get UPSET. I become the complete opposite of myself and it's astounding to me. I really only get this upset at work because I hate my job (luckily I'm school and it's only a part-time job). It's like, everywhere else but work I'm an easy-going, laid back, genuinely kind person, but when I'm at work in the hustle-and-bustle of the restaurant industry, I freak out over very little things.

Just thought you should know you're not the only one, I'm right there with you at the exact same time!
 

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I struggle with the exact same thing. I don't get really upset very often, but when I do it's scary. I hate the feeling of losing control, and that's exactly what happens. I hear my voice rise and yet I can't calm it. My heart starts racing and I can't slow it down. At that point, I get irrational and fight dirty. It's embarassing.

And while I am typing this I still question people and their motives. :frustrating: I don't trust people to have my best interests in mind. I trust people to watch out for themselves and no one else. When someone is nice I wonder why.
I'm this way too. I'm always wondering why people do the things they do, even when they're being nice.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I struggle with the exact same thing. I don't get really upset very often, but when I do it's scary. I hate the feeling of losing control, and that's exactly what happens. I hear my voice rise and yet I can't calm it. My heart starts racing and I can't slow it down. At that point, I get irrational and fight dirty. It's embarassing.



I'm this way too. I'm always wondering why people do the things they do, even when they're being nice.
That's exactly it. It is completely embarrassing. I have SO many cringe moments everyday just remembering yet another irrational spell I have had......

What is the solution? :frustrating:
 
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That's exactly it. It is completely embarrassing. I have SO many cringe moments everyday just remembering yet another irrational spell I have had......

What is the solution? :frustrating:
Cringe moments! Exactly! My last relationship was full of my irrational blowups ... I'm doing my best to block them out, but every so often I remember one of our arguments and how childishly I behaved and it makes me shudder.

I've been trying to postpone dealing with the problem until I'm more clear-headed and willing to listen. I'm not confrontational, so postponing is easy when I'm not physically with the person at the moment. Unfortunately, sometimes the issue is never brought up, and I guess that's where the infamous ISFJ grudge comes in.

Then there are times when I can't avoid the person I am angry with. I'm not proud of this, but at these times I generally resort to the silent treatment as a way to postpone a confrontation. This usually makes the person pester me to talk about it, but I'm very stubborn and will usually keep up the silent treatment. I know it's childish, but I feel like it's the only way I can stop myself from exploding.
 

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alot of us deal with this problem it seems...i used to have this till i was 17. That is when i said I can't be like this anymore. I'm hurting others which is something that i hate. So where did that leave me? i didn't want to ask for help. So i read and thought of some simple things some worked, some didn't for me i guess its up to the person.

Depending where i am is a big factor. It's easier for me to calm down at home then when i'm out since alot of the things i do to calm down are based at home but really i didn't blow up much outside the home.

What works best for me that i always thought was nonsense for years is slow and deep regulated breaths. I prefer to do this in a quiet place, alone, sitting/laying down and with my eyes close but as long as i can breath properly i can control it without the preferred conditions The key for me is realizing i'm going to snap once i feel that i start to do my deep breathes,I leave the situation ask to be not bothered(other people not involved can be there but they should not talk to me).I continue to due this till i feel rational then i just need some time for myself to settle about 15-60 minutes and this for has to be done with no one bothering me. I'm back to normal. I found the more i do it the easier it gets

a nice long shower helps me but really that just allowing me to do deep breathes with water falling on me.

Writing down whatever i'm feeling works to some degree and i do this after my breathes occasionally. i don't give it to anyone i just throw it away when no ones looking

A long walk alone works well for me.

that's all that really works for me very well but i stopped looking after i found something that works almost every time for me which is the deep breathes but it took me a while to get it work almost all the time
i don't have to use these for anger very often now about once in 2-6 months. I pretty much converted to crying when i get upset now so i use it before that now.

Crying people worry about me which is a double-edged sword for me. I want or maybe even crave people to care about me when i'm sad but i only want a select few to actually help me. i also don't wish my pain to be a burden upon them so I'd rather not let anyone know i'm sad until recently. now i tell one person when i'm sad but i abhor dumping everything on her but i can do it and it makes me feel better then if i don't.


Anyway those work for me i can't say those will work for anyone else.

One thing i that i pretty much know for anyone to solve their anger problem is knowing they are going to blowup before they do. People with anger problems have to find their warnings signs before they lose control and act right then.
 

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I struggle with the exact same thing. I don't get really upset very often, but when I do it's scary. I hate the feeling of losing control, and that's exactly what happens. I hear my voice rise and yet I can't calm it. My heart starts racing and I can't slow it down. At that point, I get irrational and fight dirty. It's embarassing.



I'm this way too. I'm always wondering why people do the things they do, even when they're being nice.
I wish to thank all of you ISFJ. I'm a INFJ and listening to what each and every one of you shared has given me a better insight of why my friend acts a certain way. But this also hurts me because I wish to let her know that I care and love her very much. And this is very difficult for me to accept when she might be wondering if I mean it or that maybe there is some kind of hidden motive. I did not know that ISFJ sometimes feel this way. And there is nothing I can do to for her to understand that this is genuine. That we all have are ups and downs, but I'll be right here. When she shuts me out, I am in so much pain that I fall apart knowing I cannot change the way she thinks. It hurts me because she is hurting and eventually we lose or sabotage the relationship. And for what? I'll always have the unconditional love for her, but it could be continual instead of every 5 or 10 years seeing eachother again. And that I do not understand. Why does she feel unworthy, punishing herself, when she is worth much much more than she'll ever know? It just doesn't make sense to lose her and see her 5 or 10 years later. Its heartbreaking!!! What can I do to make her see that she is worth every ounce of tears she shed. ISFJ's I need your help... Johnny
 

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To reply to Rowan's original post, I experience the same problem at times, but it's usually less often. I am very close to being an ISTJ as opposed to ISFJ, and I can usually rationalize myself out of things. I only freak out when people try to lie to me, and I catch onto it, especially if it's involving me. :/ Can't stand it.

I think the best thing you might do would be to force yourself to pull back from the situation. Then later, talk to someone about it - my go-to person is my best friend. She lets me tell her about everything, and then she gives me advice. I can get it out of my system, so to speak, with her, plus get some advice on dealing with it.

Sorry, that's a bit scatter brained, but I hope it helps!
 
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My temper is huge. When I am hurt I lash out as hard as I can, trying to hurt the other person as much as I am hurting. It is SO WRONG I know. I become this completely irrational person when I go into my emotional state. I REALLY want to change this-I want to be able to state calmly and rationally that I found such and such hurtful. I want to be able to not get so angry and think everyone is just out to get me, or they just don't care enough etc etc.
I react a little differently but it's just as destructive as this. If someone I'm not close to hurts me I bottle it up, then take it out on my husband or family next time they do some tiny little thing wrong. The one thing I have learned to combat this (and those floods of embarrassment I get when I remember something bad I did in the past) is to deflect the feeling by telling someone near to me that I love them (generally my kids). It sounds weird, but it gets me out of that cycle. I haven't yet managed to be calm and rational when I tell someone they've hurt me. The only way I've managed to do that is to write it down and usually just the act of writing it down works for me and I don't need to express it to the person anymore but if I do then it's on paper and I don't have to try and think of words to express my hurt. I'm still working on this, though, because when I'm in those huge fits of temper I really don't want to be rational -- it's just afterwards that it haunts me.

And while I am typing this I still question people and their motives. :frustrating: I don't trust people to have my best interests in mind. I trust people to watch out for themselves and no one else. When someone is nice I wonder why.
I used to be really trusting and always believed that people were all nice all the time. Sadly, after a number of very bad experiences, I'm now like you -- I question everybody's motives and it takes a lot for me to trust someone.

I am stuck in this vicious cycle and want to get out.
I'm so with you on this. I've only really recently started learning about personality types and the knowledge that others struggle like I do is actually quite liberating. It proves to me that I'm not weird for being this way, but it also proves to me that I don't have to be stuck like this forever. I think the fact that you're aware of it now is a big step in itself and with that awareness you can maybe start to identify the triggers to the temper and then start trying to think of ways to combat them when you're not in the moment. My 'I love you' deflection thing came out unconsciously during those times when I was feeling old embarrassment but I found it so useful to get rid of those thoughts and feelings that I now use it consciously if I can feel myself getting ready to blow up at my kids.
 
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