What's a dreamer without a dream?
I'm at that low point again. Only this time, I don't think I'll ever recover. It's already physical as well as mental/emotional. Even though I'm not outwardly dying, I'd effectively ruined my health to the point where a wrong food / medicine, overexerting myself a little, or staying out in the sun a moment too long could lead to my death. But it will be painful and not fast enough.
I used to put myself out there, take risks. I took life seriously. Now I don't believe in anything except a few stubborn ideas that don't matter. Even my emotions don't go as deep as before. I don't think I will ever love or trust or believe or dream again. And I'm way past the time when it's cool to go out and "find yourself", when it's okay not to have it all together. I don't have time for that, and it's not even fun anymore. Life is tedious, no matter how I shake it. I'd look at life from different angles, try to find something new or something old but nice. But there's nothing for me.
There are several people who hate me. Those who hate me the most are the ones I loved the most. They knew me well, so their rejection of me is legit. They're smarter than I am, so I agree with them. I hate myself. But I don't know how to change without losing my mind. Also, those people won't come back even if I did manage to turn my life around. So it makes no sense to change for them now.
Even if I focus on myself and feeling good, nothing makes sense. I can't eat some of my favorite foods or go drinking anymore. I can't sleep around anymore. I don't enjoy music and anime as much as I used to. I'm sick of my old favorites but newer stuff don't speak to me. It's like I've been dead for a decade and all the emotions I was supposed to have in one lifetime I already had back then.
It's kinda ironic because I'd unwittingly dropped some bad habits only to get to a more toxic place. I stopped watching shitty shows but I watch news round the clock. I stopped eating instant noodles but I drink soda more often. When my sleep schedule got fixed, I felt just as bad as when I had insomnia. It was the same with more or less meds, more or less sleep, more or less exercise, more or less food and drink. It was the same whether I scheduled my day or not, whether I studied or not.
I wish this would end soon. I want to disappear for good now.
If you'd read this far, thanks a lot. And I'm sorry. Very very sorry.
TL;DR People hate me and I hate myself. I have nothing left, so I want to disappear.
I'm at that low point again. Only this time, I don't think I'll ever recover. It's already physical as well as mental/emotional. Even though I'm not outwardly dying, I'd effectively ruined my health to the point where a wrong food / medicine, overexerting myself a little, or staying out in the sun a moment too long could lead to my death. But it will be painful and not fast enough.
I used to put myself out there, take risks. I took life seriously. Now I don't believe in anything except a few stubborn ideas that don't matter. Even my emotions don't go as deep as before. I don't think I will ever love or trust or believe or dream again. And I'm way past the time when it's cool to go out and "find yourself", when it's okay not to have it all together. I don't have time for that, and it's not even fun anymore. Life is tedious, no matter how I shake it. I'd look at life from different angles, try to find something new or something old but nice. But there's nothing for me.
There are several people who hate me. Those who hate me the most are the ones I loved the most. They knew me well, so their rejection of me is legit. They're smarter than I am, so I agree with them. I hate myself. But I don't know how to change without losing my mind. Also, those people won't come back even if I did manage to turn my life around. So it makes no sense to change for them now.
Even if I focus on myself and feeling good, nothing makes sense. I can't eat some of my favorite foods or go drinking anymore. I can't sleep around anymore. I don't enjoy music and anime as much as I used to. I'm sick of my old favorites but newer stuff don't speak to me. It's like I've been dead for a decade and all the emotions I was supposed to have in one lifetime I already had back then.
It's kinda ironic because I'd unwittingly dropped some bad habits only to get to a more toxic place. I stopped watching shitty shows but I watch news round the clock. I stopped eating instant noodles but I drink soda more often. When my sleep schedule got fixed, I felt just as bad as when I had insomnia. It was the same with more or less meds, more or less sleep, more or less exercise, more or less food and drink. It was the same whether I scheduled my day or not, whether I studied or not.
I wish this would end soon. I want to disappear for good now.
If you'd read this far, thanks a lot. And I'm sorry. Very very sorry.
TL;DR People hate me and I hate myself. I have nothing left, so I want to disappear.