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At the end of my rope as an NF

5K views 74 replies 16 participants last post by  AetherBlue 
#1 ·
What's a dreamer without a dream?

I'm at that low point again. Only this time, I don't think I'll ever recover. It's already physical as well as mental/emotional. Even though I'm not outwardly dying, I'd effectively ruined my health to the point where a wrong food / medicine, overexerting myself a little, or staying out in the sun a moment too long could lead to my death. But it will be painful and not fast enough.

I used to put myself out there, take risks. I took life seriously. Now I don't believe in anything except a few stubborn ideas that don't matter. Even my emotions don't go as deep as before. I don't think I will ever love or trust or believe or dream again. And I'm way past the time when it's cool to go out and "find yourself", when it's okay not to have it all together. I don't have time for that, and it's not even fun anymore. Life is tedious, no matter how I shake it. I'd look at life from different angles, try to find something new or something old but nice. But there's nothing for me.

There are several people who hate me. Those who hate me the most are the ones I loved the most. They knew me well, so their rejection of me is legit. They're smarter than I am, so I agree with them. I hate myself. But I don't know how to change without losing my mind. Also, those people won't come back even if I did manage to turn my life around. So it makes no sense to change for them now.

Even if I focus on myself and feeling good, nothing makes sense. I can't eat some of my favorite foods or go drinking anymore. I can't sleep around anymore. I don't enjoy music and anime as much as I used to. I'm sick of my old favorites but newer stuff don't speak to me. It's like I've been dead for a decade and all the emotions I was supposed to have in one lifetime I already had back then.

It's kinda ironic because I'd unwittingly dropped some bad habits only to get to a more toxic place. I stopped watching shitty shows but I watch news round the clock. I stopped eating instant noodles but I drink soda more often. When my sleep schedule got fixed, I felt just as bad as when I had insomnia. It was the same with more or less meds, more or less sleep, more or less exercise, more or less food and drink. It was the same whether I scheduled my day or not, whether I studied or not.

I wish this would end soon. I want to disappear for good now.

If you'd read this far, thanks a lot. And I'm sorry. Very very sorry.

TL;DR People hate me and I hate myself. I have nothing left, so I want to disappear.
 
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#2 ·
Don't give up. As bleak as things are right now, they will improve. No storm is everlasting.

Speak to a doctor if you haven't already. Pray to God. Even if you don't believe in God, pray anyway. If you have any family, reach out to them.

Be kind to yourself. Don't judge yourself. I know you're not perfect, but I also know you're not nearly as bad as you think you are. You have good qualities. Nurture those. Do good things. If you have money to spare, give charity. Share your wisdom. Write your story. Let the next generation know what your mistakes have taught you.
 
#4 ·
Our body exists in time and space by the momentum of desires. When such desires come to their natural end and the consciousness is aware enough there occurs a spiritual crisis since the experience of nothing gradually dominates the former reality. Many attempt to fill this nothing with further desire to continue a functional identity to feel sane and some do succeed but some continue to feel that any attempt they make is futile. When all your desires and thinking patterns about yourself have expired that is true-freedom-bliss.

Life clearly cannot be serious since we are living to only die. This is the punchline of the great joke on the stage of play. Emotions tend to not fluctuate so much and as deep when you are living in the memory of the joke. Life is boring because it is the mind who says so since it needs to play to have any legitimacy to power in being. Impending death is what the mind thinks when there is nothing to stimulate her. It's easy to repel people at such a stage as you reek of death and their mind can sense it whether such people are consciously aware or not. What is the use in changing or thinking anything of yourself? When in such a sensitive stage in spiritual development any effects of environments or foods eaten are amplified hence why such individuals would seek refuge in a forested seclusion and partake in intermittent fasting. This cleanses the body of impurities so that it is not graving for further impurities as intensely, however relapses are due to come since no old habit has not been known to not die hard.

A dreamer without a dream is one who lives now and nowhere else since beginning or end never was!
 
#5 ·
@Eren Jaegerbomb you remind me of myself three years ago. I hope you don't come to the same conclusions.

@ENFPathetic It's a perfect storm at the end of the world though. I wasn't able to be good at the time when it mattered. Now is just too late for me.

It's a miracle in itself that I'm not bingeing on junk food right now or trying to jump the bones of the first person who notices me. But you don't know how much I want to want it.

I can't. I've already met the most beautiful people in the world and succeeded to make them reject me. Pretty sure God hates me now and is punishing me.

I only convince myself for one or two hours in the morning that my life will change and there's something left to look forward to. In the end, I know I'm just fooling myself, and I deserve such a lousy life and death. I'm sorry I ever existed.

I'm sorry, everyone.
 
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#7 ·
Unfortunately, I'm too wrapped up in what I feel and know.
Which side do you mean?
 
#19 ·
I don't know that my words will have any effect, but I hope things get better for you.

I think the hopelessness and negativity is as much as a mental block as something that reflects your physical reality. I've been feeling very gray and cynical as of late, and I've been observing this feeling and how it seems to be accumulating and solidifying in my general mental state, like rust on an old metal door. And yet, physically, I'm still capable of most things a person should be able to do.

It's gotten to the point where even good news is met with skepticism and worry. It's not quite pathological yet, but if I keep habituating to the gloom it might get there.

I'm not religious, although I used to be, and I don't know what to say about the whole God business. When I used to be Christian I used to pray for guidance but none came, or if it did it came very obliquely. I think in the end, you have to do the hard work of steering your ship yourself.
 
#20 ·
@ENFPathetic I forgot to mention the time when I almost converted to Islam.

I was in a group of friends, some Muslims and some Christians, many of which were quite devout. There's a girl I loved, a few of us loved her that way but we all cared about her as she was going through a really tough time. I also liked one of the Muslim guys, he's really smart and serious about religion, the kind of smart that could debate anyone into converting. We liked each other, so we'd talk about how life would be as a Muslim, and I was this close to getting serious with him. But something stopped me from going all the way, and I knew he loved her too, and she needed this more than me. Even though the girl and I were both depressed, she could actually act on it, and as much as I wanted to be there for her, she's stubbornly straight. So I gave them my blessing and let them go, thinking that someone else would come along for me. It's been years since then, and nobody did, but anyway...

A short time later, they were bf/gf and I thought everything will be all right. Except one time, it was late night for me, afternoon for her, and nobody else was on. He'd taught her to do Intermittent Fasting because she wanted to lose weight. She was super depressed and insecure and I could only distract her so much, she said she wanted to overdose so I asked her if she'd eaten anything. She said no, she's doing IF, so I told her to eat first, then she could do whatever she wants if she still feels bad. Nope, she wouldn't eat, and I knew that if she drank all her meds on an empty stomach it would be hospitalization or worse. So I got myself something to eat and counted my meds, I told her well I'm eating. I ate my noodles, drank my coffee, and overdosed on my meds before she could. I knew it wasn't enough to get me hospitalized but it was enough to knock me out within the hour. It worked, and she didn't go through with killing herself.

I woke up with half of a front tooth chipped off. Still groggy, I sent a selfie to my friends. Was just glad that she survived and I was okay. Slept on and off, groggy for three days but otherwise okay. From then on, neither the girl nor her fiance ever talked to me again. I was blocked on both their Discord accounts and it made for weird conversation in the server, both of them being regulars, so I left the whole gang. That's right. I saved a person's life and lost everything, just my luck eh. And I learned how to drug myself to sleep and I've done it at least five times, my health worsening each time. That's why I know I'm this close to death and it doesn't matter if I wait or do it myself.

I'm the worst as far as relationships go. In 2009-2010, I had my girlfriend stolen from me by my ex-girlfriend, twice in a row. The only bf I had irl was because we loved the same girl and had no chance with her. She was his ex-girlfriend, and he admitted that he still loved her even though we were together for two years. My ex-bf is an award-winning writer, but only because I proofread all his works for publishing since we dated. He'd get published on a national magazine a few times each year. On the other hand, as a writer, I've never been published outside of school. He's my best friend and he has social anxiety, but now he has a girlfriend and I don't.

Now I'm in this weird situation where he stays over at my house but can't tell his gf that his bff is a girl and his ex. I mean come on, he's not even that cool and he didn't put in as much work into his friendships as I did, but somebody loves him. Oh come on. I had to introduce some anime, music and movies to him because he's super elitist and limited himself to a few books and authors. He wouldn't even go back to college because he couldn't get in Creative Writing, while I've tried five different schools with five different majors. Super elitist and picky guy, and kind of a snob. Oh come on. I'm friendly as hell, don't tell me I learned all those all-important social skills for nothing. I gave all of me and got nothing. There's nothing for me. Nothing!

I'm just the sexless inn keeper, the loveless matchmaker. That's right, Sei Fennel aka Fran or DB. Online whore for free, giving away lovers since 2007.

I'm so fucking sick of my life right now. Just end it already.
 
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#21 ·
@ENFPathetic I forgot to mention the time when I almost converted to Islam.

I was in a group of friends, some Muslims and some Christians, many of which were quite devout. There's a girl I loved, a few of us loved her that way but we all cared about her as she was going through a really tough time. I also liked one of the Muslim guys, he's really smart and serious about religion, the kind of smart that could debate anyone into converting. We liked each other, so we'd talk about how life would be as a Muslim, and I was this close to getting serious with him. But something stopped me from going all the way, and I knew he loved her too, and she needed this more than me. Even though the girl and I were both depressed, she could actually act on it, and as much as I wanted to be there for her, she's stubbornly straight. So I gave them my blessing and let them go, thinking that someone else would come along for me. It's been years since then, and nobody did, but anyway...

A short time later, they were bf/gf and I thought everything will be all right. Except one time, it was late night for me, afternoon for her, and nobody else was on. He'd taught her to do Intermittent Fasting because she wanted to lose weight. She was super depressed and insecure and I could only distract her so much, she said she wanted to overdose so I asked her if she'd eaten anything. She said no, she's doing IF, so I told her to eat first, then she could do whatever she wants if she still feels bad. Nope, she wouldn't eat, and I knew that if she drank all her meds on an empty stomach it would be hospitalization or worse. So I got myself something to eat and counted my meds, I told her well I'm eating. I ate my noodles, drank my coffee, and overdosed on my meds before she could. I knew it wasn't enough to get me hospitalized but it was enough to knock me out within the hour. It worked, and she didn't go through with killing herself.

I woke up with half of a front tooth chipped off. Still groggy, I sent a selfie to my friends. Was just glad that she survived and I was okay. Slept on and off, groggy for three days but otherwise okay. From then on, neither the girl nor her fiance ever talked to me again. I was blocked on both their Discord accounts and it made for weird conversation in the server, both of them being regulars, so I left the whole gang. That's right. I saved a person's life and lost everything, just my luck eh. And I learned how to drug myself to sleep and I've done it at least five times, my health worsening each time. That's why I know I'm this close to death and it doesn't matter if I wait or do it myself.

I'm the worst as far as relationships go. In 2009-2010, I had my girlfriend stolen from me by my ex-girlfriend, twice in a row. The only bf I had irl was because we loved the same girl and had no chance with her. She was his ex-girlfriend, and he admitted that he still loved her even though we were together for two years. My ex-bf is an award-winning writer, but only because I proofread all his works for publishing since we dated. He'd get published on a national magazine a few times each year. On the other hand, as a writer, I've never been published outside of school. He's my best friend and he has social anxiety, but now he has a girlfriend and I don't.

Now I'm in this weird situation where he stays over at my house but can't tell his gf that his bff is a girl and his ex. I mean come on, he's not even that cool and he didn't put in as much work into his friendships as I did, but somebody loves him. Oh come on. I had to introduce some anime, music and movies to him because he's super elitist and limited himself to a few books and authors. He wouldn't even go back to college because he couldn't get in Creative Writing, while I've tried five different schools with five different majors. Super elitist and picky guy, and kind of a snob. Oh come on. I'm friendly as hell, don't tell me I learned all those all-important social skills for nothing. I gave all of me and got nothing. There's nothing for me. Nothing!

I'm just the sexless inn keeper, the loveless matchmaker. That's right, Sei Fennel aka Fran or DB. Online whore for free, giving away lovers since 2007.

I'm so fucking sick of my life right now. Just end it already.
Reading that just broke my heart, and I don't even know you..

You could have flushed the meds down the toilet, outright refused to give them to her, but instead you took them, almost using her situation as an excuse to punish yourself.

I think it's time you face the harsh truth. God is not the one punishing you. You are.
 
#28 ·
What's a dreamer without a dream?

I'm at that low point again. Only this time, I don't think I'll ever recover. It's already physical as well as mental/emotional. Even though I'm not outwardly dying, I'd effectively ruined my health to the point where a wrong food / medicine, overexerting myself a little, or staying out in the sun a moment too long could lead to my death. But it will be painful and not fast enough.

I used to put myself out there, take risks. I took life seriously. Now I don't believe in anything except a few stubborn ideas that don't matter. Even my emotions don't go as deep as before. I don't think I will ever love or trust or believe or dream again. And I'm way past the time when it's cool to go out and "find yourself", when it's okay not to have it all together. I don't have time for that, and it's not even fun anymore. Life is tedious, no matter how I shake it. I'd look at life from different angles, try to find something new or something old but nice. But there's nothing for me.

There are several people who hate me. Those who hate me the most are the ones I loved the most. They knew me well, so their rejection of me is legit. They're smarter than I am, so I agree with them. I hate myself. But I don't know how to change without losing my mind. Also, those people won't come back even if I did manage to turn my life around. So it makes no sense to change for them now.

Even if I focus on myself and feeling good, nothing makes sense. I can't eat some of my favorite foods or go drinking anymore. I can't sleep around anymore. I don't enjoy music and anime as much as I used to. I'm sick of my old favorites but newer stuff don't speak to me. It's like I've been dead for a decade and all the emotions I was supposed to have in one lifetime I already had back then.

It's kinda ironic because I'd unwittingly dropped some bad habits only to get to a more toxic place. I stopped watching shitty shows but I watch news round the clock. I stopped eating instant noodles but I drink soda more often. When my sleep schedule got fixed, I felt just as bad as when I had insomnia. It was the same with more or less meds, more or less sleep, more or less exercise, more or less food and drink. It was the same whether I scheduled my day or not, whether I studied or not.

I wish this would end soon. I want to disappear for good now.

If you'd read this far, thanks a lot. And I'm sorry. Very very sorry.

TL;DR People hate me and I hate myself. I have nothing left, so I want to disappear.
These are strong things to say. That must be really hard.

😟Wait, are you having suicidal thoughts?
 
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#29 ·
Just giving up. I don't have to off myself, it's just a matter of time... I really hashed it out in this thread, that kept me busy at least. Now just crying and feeling sorry for myself. I wish I could feel better without ending up all toxic on someone and making them hate me.
 
#31 ·
When we're in a bad mood, we always assume that we're bad or that someone else is bad. Both of these actions cause harm and misrepresent the facts, which is that we're all doing our best to navigate tough situations, and we all have a lot to learn and unlearn.

People who do not trust or appreciate you should be avoided. The horizons of life are endless. Accept yourself for who you are, enjoy yourself, and keep moving forward.
 
#35 ·
Not really. Just so happens I'm unemployed and all my money is on time deposit. Not a lot but I'm not dirt poor either.
Covid made it a lot harder to find a job or do normal outside things.
 
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#37 ·
@ENFPathetic thanks, man.

It's just really tough for me right now. And I'm tired of playing the game.
 
#38 ·
I can imagine. Your life is too important to turn into a game. And furthermore, your mind needs to be working for you, not against you. Can there ever be a greater betrayal.. Fuck. I'm sorry you're in this situation, but I want to see you come out swinging as often as humanly possible. Keep us updated.

What kind of activities or hobbies did you enjoy before 2005?
 
#40 ·
@ENFPathetic @Deezzee Thank you.

What I was supposed to say was that everyone else seems to be playing the game of life and I just can't.

I don't have the same values as others. In fact, my philosophy / worldview is so different that I discovered that it was thinking in terms of what others view as "progress" was weighing me down. When I let go of those expectations, I found that I don't think that way at all and I don't even understand why I have to be ashamed of who I am. Afaik I don't regret loving anybody, even when it ended badly. I also don't regret my choices because that was the best I could do at the time.

Having to justify myself to others is tedious and painful. Sometimes I really have to explain myself. But when I don't, why bother.

Spent the most of yesterday crying. But it was liberating.
 
#41 ·
Ya, I know what you mean. I also find it hard to not live by others' expectations, when I'm constantly being reminded that I am not achieving what others are achieving at my age.
Me being opposed to this pragmatic capitalist mindset of society, means that I'm at odds with the majority of what others think. I have suppressed my own expectations and I can't trust my own decisions.

But I guess those people who aren't even willing to listen or give the benefit of doubt, they just aren't very understanding friends in the first place, and they aren't going to make you feel better.
 
#43 ·
Sorry, I didn't see this.
The doctor won't let me quit school, so mom has to drag me to do my requirements. We've cut too many corners. The degree is meaningless now. I just wanna be dead so I don't have to think and feel anything.


Fuck my life. I want out.


I don't belong anywhere. Nobody understands. I did some errands this week, so what? I got some exercise, ate good food, so what? I'm still miserable at the end of the day.

Endorphins are a sham. Dopamine is a sham. Meds don't work. Eating, sleeping, exercise, nothing works.

I bet if you gave me a million dollars, a room full of beautiful ladies, and got me high on drugs, I'd still be miserable. Because nothing works for me. I am too fucking broken to get better. There is no better. There is nowhere to go, nobody to come home to.
 
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#44 ·
Fennel,

I hope you don't mind that I browsed through some of your posts. I haven't read every word, but enough to get a general idea. I would like to mention a couple things that I think you should know.

First of all, your situation and the way you experience it, reminds me of my ex (the one we've been discussing in my post). The way you describe things is very alike, sometimes down to the exact wording. His upbringing and environment were restricting and oppressive as well. Every unfair thing I've seen you mention about your childhood was also a reality to him, and then some. I won't go into details as this isn't about him. As far as I can see, there were primarily three things that led to his initial survival:

  1. A firm decision to see the good, and to keep drawing from it. I'm not referring to big, unattainable things. When most people are being unfair and unreasonable, perhaps there is or has been a single person, at some point in your life, who was not unfair all of the time? Perhaps there was a kind word, a smile when you needed it, someone who listened to you - if only for a moment? Someone who forgave you when you didn't feel like you deserve it? Someone who taught you something? When there was nobody, perhaps there was the smell of new grass, just after rain? The sound of the waves? A full moon, watching over you with a calm, stable acceptance? A bird visiting your window sill? The infinity of the night sky reminding you of the insignificance of human suffering? There will always be something that can instigate a feeling of gratitude in your mind, and that you can draw strength and faith from. Seal these things inside of yourself, keep revisiting them, adding to them, and let their influence on you grow. Make an effort to concentrate on them, and to lessen focus on the bad things that are affecting you. Make this your primary daily duty. It will not remove those bad things from life, but it will create inner strength that one day will help you save yourself.
  2. Atheism/agnosticism, or at least letting go of religious practice for some time. Religion isn't always detrimental and can provide great help and relief, but most likely if you live in an oppressive environment, the religious ideas you have been taught are comingled with toxic things such as misogyny, promoting self sacrifice etc. Adopting these and trying to live accordingly will mess with any attempts to heal. Learning to find the truth within yourself, and to discover a set of values that actually makes you happy and fulfilled, is hard when you try to conform to any kind of religious group's guidelines and mentality (or political, or any group at all, for that matter).
  3. Finding something he is good at, then leveraging that skill to sustain himself financially. This enabled him to then make further changes later, that gave him a more secure footing and eventually even leave his native country.

This is a person who only recently got diagnosed with HFA, and therefore did not receive any support as a child. Granted, his condition isn't extremely limiting, but nevertheless he has experienced a lot of rejection and severe, undeserved punishment from the people around him. He managed to survive, later even thrive. The human capacity for survival is truly astonishing, and we all possess it. You don't actually need other people's help to do it. Would it be a lot easier with support? Of course. But people who didn't receive support and love for themselves, are often unable to offer any to others. In the end, you do not need it. You can do it on your own.

I saw you say you're not good at anything, in the context of autism survivor stories, that often present someone with a high level, special talent in mathematics or music etc. Perhaps you're not a rare genius, but that is more than fine. Few people are, and it isn't required. Anyone who has read a few posts by you (especially outside the ones where you vent your depression) can see that you have an excellent written English communication ability, that you are very perceptive in terms of personality related subjects and how states of mental imbalance take form, that you have great flexibility regarding adopting varying points of view and achieving understanding, that you possess skill in discussing emotionally challenging topics in a calm, constructive way, and the list goes on.

My ex channeled his painful experiences into a profession, and became very good at it, because it was deeply motivating for him. One day, you can do this, too. Stop thinking about what age you are. We all have a future, regardless of our age, and we all are free to strive to make changes, at any time in our life. Do not let the people around you convince you otherwise. You are the perfect age to start appreciating yourself, at every age.

It is likely not feasible for you to move abroad for now, and perhaps instead, you will find a way to make your country better than it is right now. From your messages I can see that you know what would be needed, and that you are able to provide just that, once you are in a more stable emotional state. I won't say outright what I'm thinking about, because these things are for you to discover and enjoy, when the time is right.

Someone on this forum once told me: "Stop selling yourself short". I needed to hear that at the time. I am happy to pass it on to you now. You have many talents and abilities that will enable you to succeed. You need practice focusing on those, and rejecting the degrading and minimising comments from people who don't get you. Those people do not have your back, and they do not get to define you. Only you do. So learn to define yourself appropriately. Start today.
 
#45 ·
Someone on this forum once told me: "Stop selling yourself short". I needed to hear that at the time. I am happy to pass it on to you now. You have many talents and abilities that will enable you to succeed. You need practice focusing on those, and rejecting the degrading and minimising comments from people who don't get you. Those people do not have your back, and they do not get to define you. Only you do. So learn to define yourself appropriately. Start today.
Crying. That's the second time today.

I'd give everything I have for free if only someone would have me, but maybe you already know that.
"I'd give my soul just to keep you warm."
- Joe Hicks

I'm not my talent. Succeed in what? That is so arbitrary. I went from honors student to high school dropout in three years. I was expected to be some successful genius, didn't know my limits, and failed spectacularly. I pursued my passion in music just to make a fool of myself. I could lose a limb or my sanity tomorrow. That's not me.

I'm the person someone goes to when nobody else is available. The substitute person, as in Elizabethtown.

"I don’t know, I can’t know, I don’t want to know
Why my heart wants to be close, yet at dawn I’m all alone
I don’t know, I can’t know, I don’t want to know
Why my heart believes loneliness is love’s beauty
So again I give you the all the best of me..."

- roughly translated, Mayday 五月天

I'll drop the religion thing that's hurting me, but that also means losing some friends. There isn't much else I can do about activities as I'm not in a good mental state for anything. I don't see myself having a career anymore, nobody wants a slow and socially awkward person in the workplace, and most jobs will be automated soon. My would-be degree is a joke. My interests can't be monetized. It's the same with relationships, if nobody wants me then what's the point?

You're a good and wonderful person. I'm not. But thank you. I'm not trying to be stubborn. There's something missing from me that I need to move forward.
 
#48 ·
i'm giving up. thanks for everything
t doesn't matter what i do, i still go to bed alone and cry
i'm biochemically incapable of retaining enjoyment
so it doesn't matter what i tell myself right now... i'll be crying myself to sleep later no matter what
 
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#50 ·
The question is how.
 
#51 ·
Someone on this forum once told me: There is no wrong answer, just do your best. That was truly helpful, solid, accurate advice. I'd like to take the chance to pass it on to you. ;)

It really is up to you. You have all that it takes to do this: you are clearly intelligent, you have a vivid and creative imagination, you have an ability to accurately perceive your needs and emotions, and you are able to freely research information on how to improve your mental health, online. All the required pieces are there.

In my experience, researching self help techniques (and sometimes changing them to reflect my particular needs) has been equally helpful as taking therapy, and I was lucky enough to have a therapist who was a good match with me. You will be able to do much better for yourself than any therapist you've seen in your life. There is a host of ways you can harness your imagination, to come up with exercises and new ways of seeing things. For example, one that worked for me when I didn't like myself and only found value in helping others: I made an imaginary character of myself, some person somewhere in the world who had the exact same challenges as me. I became highly invested in helping this person out, and once invested and motivated, I started to come up with all kinds of solutions on how to do it.

If I put a 5000 kg pile of food in front of you and told you you have to eat it, you would think it is completely impossible, right? But you have eaten that amount in your life, and more. The same trick of the mind makes healing seem impossible: the expectation that it must happen today. It won't. But if you reduce the undertaking to one step at a time, it becomes quite easy and natural, and not impossible at all. Keep reducing, until you find the portion size that is doable for you today. The size, and the flavour, that you want to do. Not something you feel like you have to do. If it's nothing, fine. Keep listening to your system, until one day it wants to do some small thing. Repeat this, and keep changing things around according to what your mental and emotional system is telling you about your needs. Remember to respect these needs. Make them your first priority, and when there are too many simultaneously, organise them according to their importance, and focus on the most important.

You are able to do this. Without any doubt, whatsoever. I wish you a peaceful heart, and that a tiny seed of self love will begin growing within you, today.
 
#52 ·
@ThenAgain thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I really wanted to write an equally long and detailed response to the earlier posts. shrugs I don't know how you do it. On a side note, your ex sounds like a mistake I would love to make.

Don't mind me, I'm just spamming music on my own thread.



Mayday – Tenderness (roughly translated)

Walking in the breeze today, the sunshine felt so gentle
The tender sky, the gentle ground, just like being in your arms
All of a sudden, you changed and left me here alone
How will I carry on and face the cold?

The beautiful horizon, the me who was beside you, were not what you saw
What was hidden in your eyes, I will never know
Never mind, your world is yours and yours alone
Not to disturb, that is my tender love

I don’t know, I can’t know, I don’t want to know
Why my heart wants to be close, yet at dawn I’m all alone
I don’t know, I can’t know, I don’t want to know
Why my heart believes loneliness is love’s beauty
So again I give you the all the best of me...

Helplessly, aimlessly, I wander up to your intersection
I don’t cry, I don’t smile, because this is just a dream
With no warning, with no reason, you did say before
That yes, it’s time to let you go

To let you go
To set you free
I’m letting you go
I’m setting you free
This is my tenderness
This is my love
I’m letting you go
I’m setting you free

I don’t know, I can’t know, I don’t want to know
Why my heart wants to be close, yet at dawn I’m all alone
I don’t know, I can’t know, I don’t want to know
Why my heart believes loneliness is love’s beauty
So again I give you the all the best of me...
Helplessly, aimlessly, I wander up to your intersection
I don’t cry, I don’t smile, because this is just a dream
With no warning, with no reason, you did say before
That yes, it’s time to let you go
This is my tenderness
This is my love
This is my tenderness
This is my love
To let you go...
 
#53 ·
Yet I'm still miserable as all hell. Maybe there really isn't any hope for me. My life being a total waste since I reached my peak at 12, now I need meds not only to sleep but to make it slightly bearable.

No, I'm not that guy who made it through alive.

I'm just the most whiny, cowardly, self-pitying person in the world. I deserve nothing.

There are some good qualities that ThenAgain ascribed to me but I never heard anywhere else. So I am inclined to disbelieve. I'm grateful but I also don't want to hope for something just to fail again. I don't have the mental / emotional toughness for that. Why else would I spend hours and hours on here ranting instead of killing it at work and school? Because I don't have the strength to face life anymore.

I overdosed last night. It hit me bad. I walked downstairs in case I would need something, and took my phone so I could text my therapist that I did it because I don't want to live anymore. But I had to go back up the small spiral staircase again because I realized I forgot my shirt going down. It's amazing that I did not fall, but I might have hit things during my walks. Ended up passing out upstairs anyway, so I wasn't able to send that text.

Mom's probably wondering right now why I have a set of clothes and a phone lying around downstairs.

I'm sorry everyone, for letting you down. But I'm not sorry about wanting to drug myself into a coma or a zombie-like trance. Mom might not even notice I'd been high because I've sobered up now. I hate myself and my life so much.
 
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#54 ·
Don't mind me, I'm just doing my personal budget. because i keep losing the scratch papers where i do my computations.

 
50k in the bank. originally wanted to make it last until january so i could buy christmas gifts with it before i kill myself. not going through that plan anymore. so i moved my personal deadline to august, after graduation. that's 2 months away.

50k, with 10k limit per withdrawal, so 5-6 trips to the ATM. even if i spend it on everything i want every day, that would take me at least 25 days. but i could also donate to charity. so my shortest time, money-wise is 20 days.

i have enough psych meds to last me 18 days maximum, but i have a month's worth of allergy meds. either i off myself in 50 days (after graduation), or 6 days (after thesis defense). 50 days means 1000 pesos a day, which a fortune. 6 days is 8000 pesos a day, which is ridiculous.

so it all boils down to much meds i can get and how long they last. unfortunately, my prescription is limited, so 18 days is still the maximum. 3 times the minimum dose will last me until the 6 day mark. i don't think the allergy meds will cut it. i already have to take both at a slightly higher dose than minimum just to sleep and cope with some part of the day. the rest of the day is still torture. not worth getting out of bed for. i even have a chamberpot in my 2nd floor room so i don't have to go downstairs as often.

6 days is my best bet. i won't be attending graduation after all. but that means withdrawing at least 8k every day, which is sure to make my mom suspicious.
 
#55 ·
Started phase one of my plan. So far, nobody has noticed. But I am being pressured to work on work/school projects. Giving in will give them the ridiculously wrong impression that I am fine. I won't give them the satisfaction, I can't. This is the solution to my problems and it sucks that I will have to disappoint everyone else.

Doing the bare minimum to please them won't work either. I've often winged it academically and I'm not proud of this because I came to school to learn new things and not to show off what I already know or can do. That's why I hate being praised for academics. It means people like me for my raw talent and not the effort that I put in. Eventually I got tired of putting in the effort because of that part of me being ignored so much.

Whatever talent I have is too narrow and raw to be applicable in real life or lead to anything productive. It's worse than not having that talent because it makes people expect too much of me. They think that because I am good at A, I must be good at B. All that on top of the normal expectations people have that I can't meet because I have a neurological condition.

Which is worse?
  • She has a disability but she is very smart, you know.
  • Oh, she is very smart, but she has a disability.

I would rather be known and accepted as a broken and disabled person that has come this far, than a full grown adult that wasn't able to hit all the milestones society has set. But the people around me don't see this, they keep on pushing and pushing me to the breaking point.

My doctor says that I might find more understanding people if I lived overseas. But when, where, how? That's just wishful thinking and I don't want to give my family and peers / communities the satisfaction of seeing me succeed, of patting themselves in the back because I came from there. No, I can't live. I want to die and let them know that they all had a hand in ruining my life, neither acknowledging my efforts nor supporting me when I needed help.

I want them to see my blood on their hands.
 
#56 ·
Update: Only halfway through my plan because my best friend is here and he won't let me do anything crazy. Taking a walk as soon as he leaves tomorrow. Even though I'm tired.

Below is the longer version of a previous post elsewhere.

There were many otherwise good days when I would ask people if they wanted to have a deeper connection with me. It doesn't have to be romantic. It could be close friend or even regular friend (one you hang out with every day) relationship and I always got turned down.

I'm not a man hater. I just happen to like girls more, and that freaks them out especially if they're not lesbian. I know I'm physically unattractive. I also have autism and depression. But don't I deserve a break too?

I have a lot of interests that I used to enjoy. "Used to" because I wanted to share those cool or exciting or beautiful things with others, but nobody was interested. You see, I'm the kind of person that when I find something awesome, the first thing I think about is sharing it with a friend or someone special. I don't expect them to be crazy about it like I am, but experience it with me. Like with movies, anime, music, and literature. It makes me very sad because when I share something I like, crickets . I know I'm weird but this is extremely alienating.

I can't even find someone to bond with over shared interests, so I got demoralized and stopped doing most of those activities. I know I know someone will come and tell me to take care of myself and I shouldn't need other people to enjoy myself. But it feels so hollow doing things alone, and another thing is that I can't expand my interests and skills without someone to make suggestions. I don't want Netflix and YouTube to be my best friends. Whatever happened to "Oh you like anime? How about we watch this one together?", "Let's just chill out while listening to these bands" or even "Let's go to karaoke or jam together?"

Several people on here already know me well enough to say that I'm a terrible person to hang out with. But if I don't have friends to bounce interests and ideas with, I'm sure to stagnate, which has already happened.

Here are my interests in general:

- anime and manga, especially Saiyuki (where my avatar comes from), Mobile Suit Gundam Wing, and Neon Genesis Evangelion. Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magica has a special place in my heart.

- classical music. I studied piano, guitar, and voice (as part of choirs). I love the sound of classical guitars, and quiet piano (not those dazzling virtuoso pieces). I briefly played bass in a band, and tried to learn how to play the drums. I couldn't cope with drums but I learned to read drum tabs. I miss singing and being in a chorale setting, being surrounded by amazing voices singing together sends chills down my spine. I miss that so much.
My favorite composers from that genre are Scarlatti, Bach and Chopin for piano; Anonymous/folk, Carcassi and Llobet for guitar. For choral and orchestral, I pick Philip Glass for his Einstein on the Beach.
I really want to improve and explore more in terms of musical performance, but it's too demoralizing for me that my family and friends are nonmusical. I can hardly play or sing any pop music because I didn't know much. And when I had training in instruments, we went straight into the classical methods and pieces.

- rock music, the kind that isn't too pleasant to the ears. People get shocked that a girl like me listens to harder stuff thank mainstream. It started with my emo phase but refined into either walls of distorted sound / screams with good lyrics, or some remnants of my pop-rock alternative phase that are more acceptable to others. I also like cover songs, I love it when they're done right.

- Mandopop and J-pop. The J-pop is obviously from the interest in anime, so it's mostly anime songs and OSTs. L'arc~en~Ciel and Kalafina are my favorites. Vocaloid and covers of their songs (Nico Nico Chorus mostly) deserve a special mention. Also, Takayan the crossdressing rapper who sings about mental issues. He's a recent find.
I fell in love with Jay Chou when I randomly found his music video on TV. F4 was all the rage back then, so some other Taiwanese artists were introduced, such as 5566. But Jay made a lot more impact on me. He is the main reason I wanted to study classical music.I also love the combination of rap with rock, and rap with pop, along with some meaningful and touching lyrics. Aside from Jay Chou, I grew to like Nan Quan Ma Ma, FIR Fei er Yue Tuan, Shin Xin Yue Tuan, and Hua ChenYu.

- Literature. This is actually a biggie because I write poetry sometimes. Used to be more regular about it, except I was a teen then and my writings were shit. They're all in my deviantART account, so embarrassing. But it was an outlet I needed. Reading was also an outlet and escape from the stresses of school. I haven't read all of their works, but my favorite authors are Kazantzakis, Mishima, and Hesse. And of course, I'd been reading different versions of the Bible (from Children's to KJV with Apocrypha) since I was 7. I love Asian poetry, especially those by Li Po (Li Bai) and Japanese haikus and tankas. And then there's Neruda and Plath. I also read nonfiction when there is a compelling story.

- Sitcoms, believe it or not. I watched all seasons of Friends, How I Met Your Mother, and Community. I also watched a good chunk of The Big Bang Theory and Modern Family. New Girl is my only ray of sunshine lately.

- For movies, I tend to stick to comedy and anime. But since Netflix, I watch documentary series and learn about important issues without getting bored. Episodes of Black Mirror are practically movies as well, and they're all good.

- Art. Something I started early on, and then dropped because school became too demanding. Also, I have no originality. But what really killed it was the rise of digital art. So I would need to be both original and tech-savvy. I quit because I couldn't learn Photoshop or anything more complicated than Paint. I don't know how to make and edit videos either, but some schools take it for granted that children can do that. It is not so frustrating now because I don't have an idea I want to turn into art. But what if I did?

- Sports. hah, this is tricky. I have below average health, and also asthma. But I learned to swim as a kid, and then basketball and football (soccer) for school. Volleyball, softball, table tennis and bowling didn't stick. I always lost because I'm slow and uncoordinated, but I love basketball and football for the exercise. Badminton, table tennis and bowling are fun with friends, except I don't have enough friends nearby to find a gym and play with me.
I used to go to the gym with my mom as my buddy, but she had to quit because of osteoporosis, and I lost interest then. I do have some light dumbells and video exercises but too unmotivated to touch them to the point of being scared. Whenever I get some exercise done, I get a lot of pain that lasts 3-4 days. My mom is slim, so she doesn't have to worry about weight, but I'm obese level overweight, my heart got weak, and my asthma has become frequent. I wish I had someone to join me in a gym and help me lose wieght and gain muscle.

- Video games are the trickiest. I played Robotrek and Uncharted Waters 2: New Horizons on SNES. Then Saga Frontier 2, Chrono Cross, and DDR on PlayStation. Played Starcraft: Broodwar, Pokemon Yellow and Diablo II briefly on PC. Then I looked for an emulator to play Chrono Trigger finally. There's also Summon Night: a Swordcraft Story on GameBoy Advance, and some idle games on mobile. And that's most of it. I couldn't cope with any strategy and multiplayer games, and I hate that because my dream is to be able to play Uncharted Waters Online and Total War or Romance of the Three Kingdoms. They're huge multiplayer strategy games and I'm too slow and dumb to understand the gameplay and cope with it.
 
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#57 ·
Here are my interests in general:

- rock music, the kind that isn't too pleasant to the ears. People get shocked that a girl like me listens to harder stuff thank mainstream. It started with my emo phase but refined into either walls of distorted sound / screams with good lyrics, or some remnants of my pop-rock alternative phase that are more acceptable to others. I also like cover songs, I love it when they're done right.

- For movies, I tend to stick to comedy and anime. But since Netflix, I watch documentary series and learn about important issues without getting bored. Episodes of Black Mirror are practically movies as well, and they're all good.

- Video games are the trickiest. I played Robotrek and Uncharted Waters 2: New Horizons on SNES. Then Saga Frontier 2, Chrono Cross, and DDR on PlayStation. Played Starcraft: Broodwar, Pokemon Yellow and Diablo II briefly on PC. Then I looked for an emulator to play Chrono Trigger finally. There's also Summon Night: a Swordcraft Story on GameBoy Advance, and some idle games on mobile. And that's most of it. I couldn't cope with any strategy and multiplayer games, and I hate that because my dream is to be able to play Uncharted Waters Online and Total War or Romance of the Three Kingdoms. They're huge multiplayer strategy games and I'm too slow and dumb to understand the gameplay and cope with it.
I am feeling really tired so I'm not sure I'll be of much help, but I'll just share some of my interests as well.

I listen to a rock/punk programme called short.fast.loud on Australian radio station Triple J, it is a 3-hour show on wednesday nights 10pm-1am (UTC+10 time). There's also Kerrang Radio based in the UK which plays modern rock music.

I recently watched the first season of the comedy Kim's Convenience. It's about 20 mins per episode so it's not too tedious to watch. I just started watching the anime Death Parade, but I'm only at the second episode. I have also most recently watched the movies Fear Of Rain (about a girl with schizophrenia suspecting that her neighbour has kidnapped a child) and Synchronic (about a designer that causes people to time travel).

I don't really play competitive/fast-paced games either, it is too stressful, especially when it's so easy to lose. The most recent game I played is Always Sometimes Monsters, the main storyline is about you trying to win back your love interest in 30 days, but there are several other side quests as well.
 
#58 ·
#60 ·
I'll just be honest here.

This morning, I was feeling okay and even considering moving my deadline a lot further.
But now I'm fighting the urge to make it as quick as tomorrow.

I'm sorry, everyone. But you, the people who actually care, are so few and far between that chances are I won't get to meet or know you. As far as the majority of the world is concerned, I am still garbage. Please don't misunderstand. I do appreciate. But that's not enough of a reason to go on. That's not enough to go against the world.

My experience today has taught me this:
They're smart, I'm not.
They're healthy, I'm not.
They're useful, I'm not.
Their opinions matter, mine don't.
They matter, I don't.

That's life... I just have to get used to this.
 
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#61 · (Edited)
I don't even have a safe space to cry anymore.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I hate myself.
IMVU is a sensory nightmare. It makes me so tired I want to die.
Every little thing is causing me more pain and for longer than usual.
My meds are backfiring again. I just can't take anymore of this.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck end me now end me now fuck it just end right fucking now i don't care anymore just make it go away

Since I might not be in the forums for a while.

I just want everyone to know that I read your replies, suggestions and advice and really appreciate the time and thought. I don't have the strength to write proper replies now, nor the nerve to lie and say that I will do everything that you say and will be okay - I can't promise anything. I'll just save the threads for future reference.

And I'm very very sorry for all the trouble I caused. I'm sorry for everything.

Maybe I should leave for good but it's too soon to decide on something so important.

I just hate it when people accuse me of being contradictory on purpose. I'm at wits' end. I have no energy to argue with anybody these days.
 
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