Reading that just broke my heart, and I don't even know you..@ENFPathetic I forgot to mention the time when I almost converted to Islam.
I was in a group of friends, some Muslims and some Christians, many of which were quite devout. There's a girl I loved, a few of us loved her that way but we all cared about her as she was going through a really tough time. I also liked one of the Muslim guys, he's really smart and serious about religion, the kind of smart that could debate anyone into converting. We liked each other, so we'd talk about how life would be as a Muslim, and I was this close to getting serious with him. But something stopped me from going all the way, and I knew he loved her too, and she needed this more than me. Even though the girl and I were both depressed, she could actually act on it, and as much as I wanted to be there for her, she's stubbornly straight. So I gave them my blessing and let them go, thinking that someone else would come along for me. It's been years since then, and nobody did, but anyway...
A short time later, they were bf/gf and I thought everything will be all right. Except one time, it was late night for me, afternoon for her, and nobody else was on. He'd taught her to do Intermittent Fasting because she wanted to lose weight. She was super depressed and insecure and I could only distract her so much, she said she wanted to overdose so I asked her if she'd eaten anything. She said no, she's doing IF, so I told her to eat first, then she could do whatever she wants if she still feels bad. Nope, she wouldn't eat, and I knew that if she drank all her meds on an empty stomach it would be hospitalization or worse. So I got myself something to eat and counted my meds, I told her well I'm eating. I ate my noodles, drank my coffee, and overdosed on my meds before she could. I knew it wasn't enough to get me hospitalized but it was enough to knock me out within the hour. It worked, and she didn't go through with killing herself.
I woke up with half of a front tooth chipped off. Still groggy, I sent a selfie to my friends. Was just glad that she survived and I was okay. Slept on and off, groggy for three days but otherwise okay. From then on, neither the girl nor her fiance ever talked to me again. I was blocked on both their Discord accounts and it made for weird conversation in the server, both of them being regulars, so I left the whole gang. That's right. I saved a person's life and lost everything, just my luck eh. And I learned how to drug myself to sleep and I've done it at least five times, my health worsening each time. That's why I know I'm this close to death and it doesn't matter if I wait or do it myself.
I'm the worst as far as relationships go. In 2009-2010, I had my girlfriend stolen from me by my ex-girlfriend, twice in a row. The only bf I had irl was because we loved the same girl and had no chance with her. She was his ex-girlfriend, and he admitted that he still loved her even though we were together for two years. My ex-bf is an award-winning writer, but only because I proofread all his works for publishing since we dated. He'd get published on a national magazine a few times each year. On the other hand, as a writer, I've never been published outside of school. He's my best friend and he has social anxiety, but now he has a girlfriend and I don't.
Now I'm in this weird situation where he stays over at my house but can't tell his gf that his bff is a girl and his ex. I mean come on, he's not even that cool and he didn't put in as much work into his friendships as I did, but somebody loves him. Oh come on. I had to introduce some anime, music and movies to him because he's super elitist and limited himself to a few books and authors. He wouldn't even go back to college because he couldn't get in Creative Writing, while I've tried five different schools with five different majors. Super elitist and picky guy, and kind of a snob. Oh come on. I'm friendly as hell, don't tell me I learned all those all-important social skills for nothing. I gave all of me and got nothing. There's nothing for me. Nothing!
I'm just the sexless inn keeper, the loveless matchmaker. That's right, Sei Fennel aka Fran or DB. Online whore for free, giving away lovers since 2007.
I'm so fucking sick of my life right now. Just end it already.
You could have flushed the meds down the toilet, outright refused to give them to her, but instead you took them, almost using her situation as an excuse to punish yourself.
I think it's time you face the harsh truth. God is not the one punishing you. You are.