Okay, you seem to be very distressed. You've been trying super hard to please others around you, for a long time, and when it has failed, you feel kind of like you don't exist.
It's okay. Whatever you are feeling, it's okay. Feelings do not define who you are as a person, and they do not define the reality around you. You are safe with them, even though it seems overwhelming and too much to handle.
I can't cope with normal people's expectations.
Very good. You accurately evaluate what you can, or can not, do. That's the first requirement that must be there, in order for good things to start happening in your future. (Did you know that many, many people on this earth lack this ability?)
Now that we have this observation, we can determine if it's a problem or not (I'm assuming yes), and if something can be done about it or not. What's your opinion? See if it's possible for you to learn to cope with people's expectations, just slightly better than you are coping today. Note: coping with them means just that - coping - not fulfilling or living up to, or accepting them. Coping means dealing with the fact that these expectations exists, that you cannot change or remove them, and learning to reject them where appropriate. Right now you are internalising them, which creates excessive stress.
mentor said I'm too emotional to be a teacher
Excellent! This is honest feedback that you can take and learn from. But your teacher formulated it wrong: you were behaving in an overly emotional way at the time. That does not make you permanently too emotional, as a person. Being emotional is an asset, once you learn to harness it so that it doesn't get in the way of your everyday life too much. Learning comes one small step at a time. There are no miraculous overnight changes, but there is no permanent failure either. Every day is a new opportunity to take one small step in learning. If you don't, you will get another chance the next day. Every day, forever.
But I can't live alone. I can't live for myself. I don't feel any satisfaction when doing something for myself as opposed to doing it for others.
In all honesty, this is the root cause of many people's depression and self-sabotage, and you seem to make no exception. It is easy for me to say, and it probably sounds condescending that I look down on you this way and point this out, especially knowing you come from an Eastern culture, where the development of an individual identity is often frowned upon and not encouraged.
Your main purpose every single day should be to learn to live for yourself. When you can do that, you will be able to live with someone else, without consuming their energy and/or driving them off. Unfortunately it does not work the other way around: looking for someone with the intention that they, or their love, would make you happy or satisfied.
Sorry, thinking too deeply makes me fall asleep and it's harder to multi-quote by scrolling up and down. Also, I'm startig to press the wrong keys.
When you see that you are in this state (again, congrats for reading your own system accurately!), stop whatever you're doing and get some rest. You don't owe a bunch of online people to finish a post right that very moment. You do owe it to yourself to ensure adequate love and self care.
You can continue another time, when you have the energy to do so. In many cases, you can also not continue at all, and just drop it if you need to. Many cultures teach us the virtue of self sacrifice, but that's a trap. No one is going to come and thank you for sacrificing yourself. People will just take the amount of sacrifice you are willing to give, and consider this the norm that they are now entitled to. You need to be the one who actively decides where to draw the line, and refuses to go any further. This is where your ability to cope with people's expectations will come in handy, too, because there will be anger, there will be guilt tripping, and there will be wrath. Sometimes INFERNAL wrath! Okay, maybe not on an online forum, but in real life when someone who has been oppressing you, and benefiting from it, sees that you're putting up resistance, they will try to scare and manipulate you back to the old, familiar dynamic. Be prepared and don't give a fuck. If you find that you do give a fuck, learn gradually to care less and less. Every step is a step that supports your well being.
You say nobody wants you or cares about you. If that's really true, it's in fact an asset in terms of developing new life skills. If everyone dislikes you already, you have nothing to lose if you happen to piss them off by acting assertively and guarding your boundaries. This might make the transition easier. Once you have developed self respect and self love, you will naturally begin to meet people who are more loving themselves, and who you don't need to try to please so much just to keep them around.
love is the only thing that can give meaning to my horrible live I'm having. The only thing that can justify my non-existence.
You're exactly right about that. Loving
yourself really is the only thing. You've tried multiple times to become healed by the love of others and it hasn't worked out, has it?
I don't want any more pressure to have a future.
Again, what a wonderful, accurate perception about yourself and your inner world. You clearly have the ability to read your own system. Now take your perceptions seriously and start actually respecting them.
You don't want more pressure regarding future goals. So reject it when someone tries to put some on you. Make this a high priority. Plan ways to perform and execute this rejection, in advance.
I'm just a monster who can't relate to people unless they're seriously mentally ill.
Excuse me, but that would make me seriously mentally ill! In your comments to my post, you were relating to both people involved, perfectly fine. (I'm not offended, just kidding with you a little.)
Remember to check your narratives from time to time. You know, the stories your mind is telling you. They are a different thing than the direct observations, that you seem to be making very accurately (examples in the quotes above). When something becomes a narrative, it is in fact almost always inaccurate, at least a little bit. This is the same for all people, regardless of if they are considered mentally healthy or not. The difference is just that healthy people are checking themselves more, and giving more flexibility to alter their narratives, when in conflict with the observable reality. And the good news is that this is a learnable skill. And the even better news for you is: you have all the skills that are required for that learning. Not everyone does.
Again, the learning won't happen overnight, but it's not an incredibly unattainable accomplishment, either. The key is to just keep learning, one small step at a time. With enough repetition, you will learn it, without a shadow of a doubt.
i'm giving up. thanks for everything
t doesn't matter what i do, i still go to bed alone and cry
i'm biochemically incapable of retaining enjoyment
so it doesn't matter what i tell myself right now... i'll be crying myself to sleep later no matter what
You're right.
I still go to bed alone and cry, too, from time to time. That will still keep happening in my life, no matter what I do. And that's okay. It is a part of life and it can become excruciatingly hard when you feel guilty about it, or you feel it's a sign that you are bad, or that you have failed, or whatever. That it's your fault.
It isn't your fault. Crying is a natural reflex and it has a purpose. Let yourself cry freely, as much as you need to. Accept that you are unhappy at the moment. It is what it is. Relax into it. Hold some space for it and observe it, but try not to get caught up in a false narrative that your mind creates, that will blow it out of proportion and create more suffering than you need to have, out of thin air. It will feel completely real to you, even if part of it is just cooked up by your mind. So it's good to assert some boundaries here, too, and learn to distinguish the direct, appropriate pain from the excessive and unnecessary top layer, and cut that layer off.
The fact that you are unhappy now, does not mean you will be unhappy a year from now. You were perhaps at a peak in your 20's, but not at "the" peak. You weren't self aware at the time to truly peak. You are accumulating the information and the strength to become truly self aware and to accept yourself, which means that by definition, your true peak is still ahead of you. It'll just take some climbing first, and with regards to this climbing, you are free to take your time.