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@ENFPathetic @Deezzee Thank you.

What I was supposed to say was that everyone else seems to be playing the game of life and I just can't.

I don't have the same values as others. In fact, my philosophy / worldview is so different that I discovered that it was thinking in terms of what others view as "progress" was weighing me down. When I let go of those expectations, I found that I don't think that way at all and I don't even understand why I have to be ashamed of who I am. Afaik I don't regret loving anybody, even when it ended badly. I also don't regret my choices because that was the best I could do at the time.

Having to justify myself to others is tedious and painful. Sometimes I really have to explain myself. But when I don't, why bother.

Spent the most of yesterday crying. But it was liberating.
Ya, I know what you mean. I also find it hard to not live by others' expectations, when I'm constantly being reminded that I am not achieving what others are achieving at my age.
Me being opposed to this pragmatic capitalist mindset of society, means that I'm at odds with the majority of what others think. I have suppressed my own expectations and I can't trust my own decisions.

But I guess those people who aren't even willing to listen or give the benefit of doubt, they just aren't very understanding friends in the first place, and they aren't going to make you feel better.
 
Discussion starter · #43 ·
How was your day @Fennel?
Sorry, I didn't see this.
The doctor won't let me quit school, so mom has to drag me to do my requirements. We've cut too many corners. The degree is meaningless now. I just wanna be dead so I don't have to think and feel anything.


Fuck my life. I want out.


I don't belong anywhere. Nobody understands. I did some errands this week, so what? I got some exercise, ate good food, so what? I'm still miserable at the end of the day.

Endorphins are a sham. Dopamine is a sham. Meds don't work. Eating, sleeping, exercise, nothing works.

I bet if you gave me a million dollars, a room full of beautiful ladies, and got me high on drugs, I'd still be miserable. Because nothing works for me. I am too fucking broken to get better. There is no better. There is nowhere to go, nobody to come home to.
 
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Fennel,

I hope you don't mind that I browsed through some of your posts. I haven't read every word, but enough to get a general idea. I would like to mention a couple things that I think you should know.

First of all, your situation and the way you experience it, reminds me of my ex (the one we've been discussing in my post). The way you describe things is very alike, sometimes down to the exact wording. His upbringing and environment were restricting and oppressive as well. Every unfair thing I've seen you mention about your childhood was also a reality to him, and then some. I won't go into details as this isn't about him. As far as I can see, there were primarily three things that led to his initial survival:

  1. A firm decision to see the good, and to keep drawing from it. I'm not referring to big, unattainable things. When most people are being unfair and unreasonable, perhaps there is or has been a single person, at some point in your life, who was not unfair all of the time? Perhaps there was a kind word, a smile when you needed it, someone who listened to you - if only for a moment? Someone who forgave you when you didn't feel like you deserve it? Someone who taught you something? When there was nobody, perhaps there was the smell of new grass, just after rain? The sound of the waves? A full moon, watching over you with a calm, stable acceptance? A bird visiting your window sill? The infinity of the night sky reminding you of the insignificance of human suffering? There will always be something that can instigate a feeling of gratitude in your mind, and that you can draw strength and faith from. Seal these things inside of yourself, keep revisiting them, adding to them, and let their influence on you grow. Make an effort to concentrate on them, and to lessen focus on the bad things that are affecting you. Make this your primary daily duty. It will not remove those bad things from life, but it will create inner strength that one day will help you save yourself.
  2. Atheism/agnosticism, or at least letting go of religious practice for some time. Religion isn't always detrimental and can provide great help and relief, but most likely if you live in an oppressive environment, the religious ideas you have been taught are comingled with toxic things such as misogyny, promoting self sacrifice etc. Adopting these and trying to live accordingly will mess with any attempts to heal. Learning to find the truth within yourself, and to discover a set of values that actually makes you happy and fulfilled, is hard when you try to conform to any kind of religious group's guidelines and mentality (or political, or any group at all, for that matter).
  3. Finding something he is good at, then leveraging that skill to sustain himself financially. This enabled him to then make further changes later, that gave him a more secure footing and eventually even leave his native country.

This is a person who only recently got diagnosed with HFA, and therefore did not receive any support as a child. Granted, his condition isn't extremely limiting, but nevertheless he has experienced a lot of rejection and severe, undeserved punishment from the people around him. He managed to survive, later even thrive. The human capacity for survival is truly astonishing, and we all possess it. You don't actually need other people's help to do it. Would it be a lot easier with support? Of course. But people who didn't receive support and love for themselves, are often unable to offer any to others. In the end, you do not need it. You can do it on your own.

I saw you say you're not good at anything, in the context of autism survivor stories, that often present someone with a high level, special talent in mathematics or music etc. Perhaps you're not a rare genius, but that is more than fine. Few people are, and it isn't required. Anyone who has read a few posts by you (especially outside the ones where you vent your depression) can see that you have an excellent written English communication ability, that you are very perceptive in terms of personality related subjects and how states of mental imbalance take form, that you have great flexibility regarding adopting varying points of view and achieving understanding, that you possess skill in discussing emotionally challenging topics in a calm, constructive way, and the list goes on.

My ex channeled his painful experiences into a profession, and became very good at it, because it was deeply motivating for him. One day, you can do this, too. Stop thinking about what age you are. We all have a future, regardless of our age, and we all are free to strive to make changes, at any time in our life. Do not let the people around you convince you otherwise. You are the perfect age to start appreciating yourself, at every age.

It is likely not feasible for you to move abroad for now, and perhaps instead, you will find a way to make your country better than it is right now. From your messages I can see that you know what would be needed, and that you are able to provide just that, once you are in a more stable emotional state. I won't say outright what I'm thinking about, because these things are for you to discover and enjoy, when the time is right.

Someone on this forum once told me: "Stop selling yourself short". I needed to hear that at the time. I am happy to pass it on to you now. You have many talents and abilities that will enable you to succeed. You need practice focusing on those, and rejecting the degrading and minimising comments from people who don't get you. Those people do not have your back, and they do not get to define you. Only you do. So learn to define yourself appropriately. Start today.
 
Discussion starter · #45 ·
Someone on this forum once told me: "Stop selling yourself short". I needed to hear that at the time. I am happy to pass it on to you now. You have many talents and abilities that will enable you to succeed. You need practice focusing on those, and rejecting the degrading and minimising comments from people who don't get you. Those people do not have your back, and they do not get to define you. Only you do. So learn to define yourself appropriately. Start today.
Crying. That's the second time today.

I'd give everything I have for free if only someone would have me, but maybe you already know that.
"I'd give my soul just to keep you warm."
- Joe Hicks

I'm not my talent. Succeed in what? That is so arbitrary. I went from honors student to high school dropout in three years. I was expected to be some successful genius, didn't know my limits, and failed spectacularly. I pursued my passion in music just to make a fool of myself. I could lose a limb or my sanity tomorrow. That's not me.

I'm the person someone goes to when nobody else is available. The substitute person, as in Elizabethtown.

"I don’t know, I can’t know, I don’t want to know
Why my heart wants to be close, yet at dawn I’m all alone
I don’t know, I can’t know, I don’t want to know
Why my heart believes loneliness is love’s beauty
So again I give you the all the best of me..."

- roughly translated, Mayday 五月天

I'll drop the religion thing that's hurting me, but that also means losing some friends. There isn't much else I can do about activities as I'm not in a good mental state for anything. I don't see myself having a career anymore, nobody wants a slow and socially awkward person in the workplace, and most jobs will be automated soon. My would-be degree is a joke. My interests can't be monetized. It's the same with relationships, if nobody wants me then what's the point?

You're a good and wonderful person. I'm not. But thank you. I'm not trying to be stubborn. There's something missing from me that I need to move forward.
 
I'm not my talent. Succeed in what? That is so arbitrary. I went from honors student to high school dropout in three years. I was expected to be some successful genius, didn't know my limits, and failed spectacularly. I pursued my passion in music just to make a fool of myself. I could lose a limb or my sanity tomorrow. That's not me.
Succeed in living a life with purpose and contentment. No, let's rephrase that: in becoming alive. All limbs are not needed to be alive. If one day you lose your sanity in such a way that it no longer allows you to be alive, then at least you have lived until that day.

You didn't know your limits and you failed. Fine. How do you perceive your limits today? Do you know them better?

You pursued your passion and ended up feeling like you made a fool of yourself (feelings are not facts). Fine. I played the piano for 12 years, started at the age of four. The tissue type of my body is such that it makes my fingers too weak and flexible for it. I was determined to fail from the start, and I failed. Such is life. Can I ask what your instrument was? Do you like to sing?

I'm the person someone goes to when nobody else is available. The substitute person, as in Elizabethtown.
Have you considered turning down people that come to you for this reason only?

I'll drop the religion thing that's hurting me, but that also means losing some friends.
Are they truly friends, if they would reject you due to not actively practicing anymore? Also, letting go of religion is a suggestion coming from outside of yourself. Take your time and consider, before making the change. Is it truly hurting you, and in what way? To what extent would you like to drop it, if in fact you decide to do so? There are many solutions to each challenge and concern, and you have all the time in the world to become aware of them.

There isn't much else I can do about activities as I'm not in a good mental state for anything.
That's okay. Focus on healing your mental state, step by step, and taking your time. In my experience it's often more important to protect yourself from damage, than to actively pursue and accomplish. Once you're protected to an adequate degree, your mental and physical system will begin healing itself. It just needs to be given the space to do so.

I don't see myself having a career anymore, nobody wants a slow and socially awkward person in the workplace, and most jobs will be automated soon. My would-be degree is a joke. My interests can't be monetized.
What's the degree, if you don't mind specifying?

It's the same with relationships, if nobody wants me then what's the point?
No point, as long as this is the case. You don't need a relationship to live. Excuse me if this sounds harsh. Also, the fact that someone isn't there today, says nothing about tomorrow. Not worth focusing on. Focus on self care today and you will make for a good partner for the person you meet tomorrow.

You're a good and wonderful person. I'm not. But thank you. I'm not trying to be stubborn. There's something missing from me that I need to move forward.
You helped me a great deal today. Stop selling yourself short.

There's something missing right now (at least that is your experience). Fine. Let something be missing. Explore, give yourself time. If some outside forces put pressure on you, work to release yourself from that pressure and then go back to giving yourself time to heal. That mechanism is in every living creature, you included.
 
Discussion starter · #47 ·
Succeed in living a life with purpose and contentment. No, let's rephrase that: in becoming alive. All limbs are not needed to be alive. If one day you lose your sanity in such a way that it no longer allows you to be alive, then at least you have lived until that day.

You didn't know your limits and you failed. Fine. How do you perceive your limits today? Do you know them better?
Technically, I'm alive, but I suppose you mean the figurative meaning. I'm practically a dead man walking. My peak was 20 years ago, before (junior) high, and I've been declining since.

I can't cope with normal people's expectations. Whether it's family, school, or work. People take too many things for granted, "oh that's easy", "you shouldn't have to ask". I learned to play the guitar at 16, piano at 18. I'd got kicked out of college the second time and it was devastating, but it was my 18th birthday so my family let me try pursuing music. It was a lot of pressure because the short course was based on conservatory curriculum, and I grew to love classical music. I was passed from instructor to instructor and I have no music teacher that I haven't cried on during a lesson out of frustration.

I had a meltdown and didn't finish the short music course. I enrolled in a small college again, any course would do just to get a diploma. But I made no friends there, there were no clubs, and the only person who offered to be my friend was only being nice at the time. I got really mad especially since she was the one who talked about friendship, and borrowed my notes multiple times. She was the professor but the PowerPoint presentation was mine, and not even a thank you from her. So even older people can't be trusted.

I had private piano lessons with a local teacher, and gained confidence to try studying in a real conservatory. As far as music schools go, it's one of the easiest. But I struggled with all the practical music classes. It took me months to learn an easy piece, and sometimes I'd memorize something and play it well only to forget the whole thing the next day.
My pitch is horrible and I have asymmetric hearing loss. My hands are small and I have a broken pinky that hurts when I play octaves. I also developed what seems to be carpal tunnel syndrome, only it's mostly psychological.

People say that I play well enough. But those are easy, grade 2-4 pieces and it took me months to learn them when it should be a week or two. My memory and coordination are embarrassingly slow and the performance is adversely affected by my moods. I was taking up Music Education, but mentor said I'm too emotional to be a teacher, so I can't teach at his studio. I'm too slow and unstable to do music, and now not allowed to teach music ever. License or no.

I have meltdowns approximately every month, but during bad times that could be once a week. My coordination is horrible, that's why I can't play video games to make friends online. I'll just get them killed. I don't even have a mind for strategy to make up for slow reflexes.

But I can't live alone. I can't live for myself. I don't feel any satisfaction when doing something for myself as opposed to doing it for others. It's meaningless.

Sorry, thinking too deeply makes me fall asleep and it's harder to multi-quote by scrolling up and down. Also, I'm startig to press the wrong keys.

I turn down people who are obviously using me. But how would I have known that the professor wasn't sincere? All the people irl who used me were older and has some authority. Who am I to say no? When it's online, it's a lot less hurtful, and admittedly sometimes I use people too because the people I really like hate me now or don't talk to me anymore. And I'd go just about anything just to find a friend. I'm desperate.

I'm just over broke, unattractive and fat, severely depressed and anxious. My degree ins a sham, and I'm too old for flirting around. I just want to settle down, but nobody wants a worthless, useless person like me.

I've been abandoned and hurt so many times that I don't think I will love again. Not as purely and sincerely as before. It will just be fake. Obviously, I'm a monster. And love is the only thing that can give meaning to my horrible live I'm having. The only thing that can justify my non-existence.

I don't want any more pressure to have a future. I want to die. I'm just a monster who can't relate to people unless they're seriously mentally ill.
 
Discussion starter · #48 ·
i'm giving up. thanks for everything
t doesn't matter what i do, i still go to bed alone and cry
i'm biochemically incapable of retaining enjoyment
so it doesn't matter what i tell myself right now... i'll be crying myself to sleep later no matter what
 
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Okay, you seem to be very distressed. You've been trying super hard to please others around you, for a long time, and when it has failed, you feel kind of like you don't exist.

It's okay. Whatever you are feeling, it's okay. Feelings do not define who you are as a person, and they do not define the reality around you. You are safe with them, even though it seems overwhelming and too much to handle.

I can't cope with normal people's expectations.
Very good. You accurately evaluate what you can, or can not, do. That's the first requirement that must be there, in order for good things to start happening in your future. (Did you know that many, many people on this earth lack this ability?)

Now that we have this observation, we can determine if it's a problem or not (I'm assuming yes), and if something can be done about it or not. What's your opinion? See if it's possible for you to learn to cope with people's expectations, just slightly better than you are coping today. Note: coping with them means just that - coping - not fulfilling or living up to, or accepting them. Coping means dealing with the fact that these expectations exists, that you cannot change or remove them, and learning to reject them where appropriate. Right now you are internalising them, which creates excessive stress.

mentor said I'm too emotional to be a teacher
Excellent! This is honest feedback that you can take and learn from. But your teacher formulated it wrong: you were behaving in an overly emotional way at the time. That does not make you permanently too emotional, as a person. Being emotional is an asset, once you learn to harness it so that it doesn't get in the way of your everyday life too much. Learning comes one small step at a time. There are no miraculous overnight changes, but there is no permanent failure either. Every day is a new opportunity to take one small step in learning. If you don't, you will get another chance the next day. Every day, forever.

But I can't live alone. I can't live for myself. I don't feel any satisfaction when doing something for myself as opposed to doing it for others.
In all honesty, this is the root cause of many people's depression and self-sabotage, and you seem to make no exception. It is easy for me to say, and it probably sounds condescending that I look down on you this way and point this out, especially knowing you come from an Eastern culture, where the development of an individual identity is often frowned upon and not encouraged.

Your main purpose every single day should be to learn to live for yourself. When you can do that, you will be able to live with someone else, without consuming their energy and/or driving them off. Unfortunately it does not work the other way around: looking for someone with the intention that they, or their love, would make you happy or satisfied.

Sorry, thinking too deeply makes me fall asleep and it's harder to multi-quote by scrolling up and down. Also, I'm startig to press the wrong keys.
When you see that you are in this state (again, congrats for reading your own system accurately!), stop whatever you're doing and get some rest. You don't owe a bunch of online people to finish a post right that very moment. You do owe it to yourself to ensure adequate love and self care.

You can continue another time, when you have the energy to do so. In many cases, you can also not continue at all, and just drop it if you need to. Many cultures teach us the virtue of self sacrifice, but that's a trap. No one is going to come and thank you for sacrificing yourself. People will just take the amount of sacrifice you are willing to give, and consider this the norm that they are now entitled to. You need to be the one who actively decides where to draw the line, and refuses to go any further. This is where your ability to cope with people's expectations will come in handy, too, because there will be anger, there will be guilt tripping, and there will be wrath. Sometimes INFERNAL wrath! Okay, maybe not on an online forum, but in real life when someone who has been oppressing you, and benefiting from it, sees that you're putting up resistance, they will try to scare and manipulate you back to the old, familiar dynamic. Be prepared and don't give a fuck. If you find that you do give a fuck, learn gradually to care less and less. Every step is a step that supports your well being.

You say nobody wants you or cares about you. If that's really true, it's in fact an asset in terms of developing new life skills. If everyone dislikes you already, you have nothing to lose if you happen to piss them off by acting assertively and guarding your boundaries. This might make the transition easier. Once you have developed self respect and self love, you will naturally begin to meet people who are more loving themselves, and who you don't need to try to please so much just to keep them around.

love is the only thing that can give meaning to my horrible live I'm having. The only thing that can justify my non-existence.
You're exactly right about that. Loving yourself really is the only thing. You've tried multiple times to become healed by the love of others and it hasn't worked out, has it?

I don't want any more pressure to have a future.
Again, what a wonderful, accurate perception about yourself and your inner world. You clearly have the ability to read your own system. Now take your perceptions seriously and start actually respecting them.

You don't want more pressure regarding future goals. So reject it when someone tries to put some on you. Make this a high priority. Plan ways to perform and execute this rejection, in advance.

I'm just a monster who can't relate to people unless they're seriously mentally ill.
Excuse me, but that would make me seriously mentally ill! In your comments to my post, you were relating to both people involved, perfectly fine. (I'm not offended, just kidding with you a little.)

Remember to check your narratives from time to time. You know, the stories your mind is telling you. They are a different thing than the direct observations, that you seem to be making very accurately (examples in the quotes above). When something becomes a narrative, it is in fact almost always inaccurate, at least a little bit. This is the same for all people, regardless of if they are considered mentally healthy or not. The difference is just that healthy people are checking themselves more, and giving more flexibility to alter their narratives, when in conflict with the observable reality. And the good news is that this is a learnable skill. And the even better news for you is: you have all the skills that are required for that learning. Not everyone does.

Again, the learning won't happen overnight, but it's not an incredibly unattainable accomplishment, either. The key is to just keep learning, one small step at a time. With enough repetition, you will learn it, without a shadow of a doubt.

i'm giving up. thanks for everything
t doesn't matter what i do, i still go to bed alone and cry
i'm biochemically incapable of retaining enjoyment
so it doesn't matter what i tell myself right now... i'll be crying myself to sleep later no matter what
You're right.

I still go to bed alone and cry, too, from time to time. That will still keep happening in my life, no matter what I do. And that's okay. It is a part of life and it can become excruciatingly hard when you feel guilty about it, or you feel it's a sign that you are bad, or that you have failed, or whatever. That it's your fault.

It isn't your fault. Crying is a natural reflex and it has a purpose. Let yourself cry freely, as much as you need to. Accept that you are unhappy at the moment. It is what it is. Relax into it. Hold some space for it and observe it, but try not to get caught up in a false narrative that your mind creates, that will blow it out of proportion and create more suffering than you need to have, out of thin air. It will feel completely real to you, even if part of it is just cooked up by your mind. So it's good to assert some boundaries here, too, and learn to distinguish the direct, appropriate pain from the excessive and unnecessary top layer, and cut that layer off.

The fact that you are unhappy now, does not mean you will be unhappy a year from now. You were perhaps at a peak in your 20's, but not at "the" peak. You weren't self aware at the time to truly peak. You are accumulating the information and the strength to become truly self aware and to accept yourself, which means that by definition, your true peak is still ahead of you. It'll just take some climbing first, and with regards to this climbing, you are free to take your time.
 
Discussion starter · #50 ·
The question is how.
 
The question is how.
Someone on this forum once told me: There is no wrong answer, just do your best. That was truly helpful, solid, accurate advice. I'd like to take the chance to pass it on to you. ;)

It really is up to you. You have all that it takes to do this: you are clearly intelligent, you have a vivid and creative imagination, you have an ability to accurately perceive your needs and emotions, and you are able to freely research information on how to improve your mental health, online. All the required pieces are there.

In my experience, researching self help techniques (and sometimes changing them to reflect my particular needs) has been equally helpful as taking therapy, and I was lucky enough to have a therapist who was a good match with me. You will be able to do much better for yourself than any therapist you've seen in your life. There is a host of ways you can harness your imagination, to come up with exercises and new ways of seeing things. For example, one that worked for me when I didn't like myself and only found value in helping others: I made an imaginary character of myself, some person somewhere in the world who had the exact same challenges as me. I became highly invested in helping this person out, and once invested and motivated, I started to come up with all kinds of solutions on how to do it.

If I put a 5000 kg pile of food in front of you and told you you have to eat it, you would think it is completely impossible, right? But you have eaten that amount in your life, and more. The same trick of the mind makes healing seem impossible: the expectation that it must happen today. It won't. But if you reduce the undertaking to one step at a time, it becomes quite easy and natural, and not impossible at all. Keep reducing, until you find the portion size that is doable for you today. The size, and the flavour, that you want to do. Not something you feel like you have to do. If it's nothing, fine. Keep listening to your system, until one day it wants to do some small thing. Repeat this, and keep changing things around according to what your mental and emotional system is telling you about your needs. Remember to respect these needs. Make them your first priority, and when there are too many simultaneously, organise them according to their importance, and focus on the most important.

You are able to do this. Without any doubt, whatsoever. I wish you a peaceful heart, and that a tiny seed of self love will begin growing within you, today.
 
Discussion starter · #52 ·
@ThenAgain thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I really wanted to write an equally long and detailed response to the earlier posts. shrugs I don't know how you do it. On a side note, your ex sounds like a mistake I would love to make.

Don't mind me, I'm just spamming music on my own thread.



Mayday – Tenderness (roughly translated)

Walking in the breeze today, the sunshine felt so gentle
The tender sky, the gentle ground, just like being in your arms
All of a sudden, you changed and left me here alone
How will I carry on and face the cold?

The beautiful horizon, the me who was beside you, were not what you saw
What was hidden in your eyes, I will never know
Never mind, your world is yours and yours alone
Not to disturb, that is my tender love

I don’t know, I can’t know, I don’t want to know
Why my heart wants to be close, yet at dawn I’m all alone
I don’t know, I can’t know, I don’t want to know
Why my heart believes loneliness is love’s beauty
So again I give you the all the best of me...

Helplessly, aimlessly, I wander up to your intersection
I don’t cry, I don’t smile, because this is just a dream
With no warning, with no reason, you did say before
That yes, it’s time to let you go

To let you go
To set you free
I’m letting you go
I’m setting you free
This is my tenderness
This is my love
I’m letting you go
I’m setting you free

I don’t know, I can’t know, I don’t want to know
Why my heart wants to be close, yet at dawn I’m all alone
I don’t know, I can’t know, I don’t want to know
Why my heart believes loneliness is love’s beauty
So again I give you the all the best of me...
Helplessly, aimlessly, I wander up to your intersection
I don’t cry, I don’t smile, because this is just a dream
With no warning, with no reason, you did say before
That yes, it’s time to let you go
This is my tenderness
This is my love
This is my tenderness
This is my love
To let you go...
 
Discussion starter · #53 ·
Yet I'm still miserable as all hell. Maybe there really isn't any hope for me. My life being a total waste since I reached my peak at 12, now I need meds not only to sleep but to make it slightly bearable.

No, I'm not that guy who made it through alive.

I'm just the most whiny, cowardly, self-pitying person in the world. I deserve nothing.

There are some good qualities that ThenAgain ascribed to me but I never heard anywhere else. So I am inclined to disbelieve. I'm grateful but I also don't want to hope for something just to fail again. I don't have the mental / emotional toughness for that. Why else would I spend hours and hours on here ranting instead of killing it at work and school? Because I don't have the strength to face life anymore.

I overdosed last night. It hit me bad. I walked downstairs in case I would need something, and took my phone so I could text my therapist that I did it because I don't want to live anymore. But I had to go back up the small spiral staircase again because I realized I forgot my shirt going down. It's amazing that I did not fall, but I might have hit things during my walks. Ended up passing out upstairs anyway, so I wasn't able to send that text.

Mom's probably wondering right now why I have a set of clothes and a phone lying around downstairs.

I'm sorry everyone, for letting you down. But I'm not sorry about wanting to drug myself into a coma or a zombie-like trance. Mom might not even notice I'd been high because I've sobered up now. I hate myself and my life so much.
 
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Discussion starter · #54 ·
Don't mind me, I'm just doing my personal budget. because i keep losing the scratch papers where i do my computations.

 
50k in the bank. originally wanted to make it last until january so i could buy christmas gifts with it before i kill myself. not going through that plan anymore. so i moved my personal deadline to august, after graduation. that's 2 months away.

50k, with 10k limit per withdrawal, so 5-6 trips to the ATM. even if i spend it on everything i want every day, that would take me at least 25 days. but i could also donate to charity. so my shortest time, money-wise is 20 days.

i have enough psych meds to last me 18 days maximum, but i have a month's worth of allergy meds. either i off myself in 50 days (after graduation), or 6 days (after thesis defense). 50 days means 1000 pesos a day, which a fortune. 6 days is 8000 pesos a day, which is ridiculous.

so it all boils down to much meds i can get and how long they last. unfortunately, my prescription is limited, so 18 days is still the maximum. 3 times the minimum dose will last me until the 6 day mark. i don't think the allergy meds will cut it. i already have to take both at a slightly higher dose than minimum just to sleep and cope with some part of the day. the rest of the day is still torture. not worth getting out of bed for. i even have a chamberpot in my 2nd floor room so i don't have to go downstairs as often.

6 days is my best bet. i won't be attending graduation after all. but that means withdrawing at least 8k every day, which is sure to make my mom suspicious.
 
Discussion starter · #55 ·
Started phase one of my plan. So far, nobody has noticed. But I am being pressured to work on work/school projects. Giving in will give them the ridiculously wrong impression that I am fine. I won't give them the satisfaction, I can't. This is the solution to my problems and it sucks that I will have to disappoint everyone else.

Doing the bare minimum to please them won't work either. I've often winged it academically and I'm not proud of this because I came to school to learn new things and not to show off what I already know or can do. That's why I hate being praised for academics. It means people like me for my raw talent and not the effort that I put in. Eventually I got tired of putting in the effort because of that part of me being ignored so much.

Whatever talent I have is too narrow and raw to be applicable in real life or lead to anything productive. It's worse than not having that talent because it makes people expect too much of me. They think that because I am good at A, I must be good at B. All that on top of the normal expectations people have that I can't meet because I have a neurological condition.

Which is worse?
  • She has a disability but she is very smart, you know.
  • Oh, she is very smart, but she has a disability.

I would rather be known and accepted as a broken and disabled person that has come this far, than a full grown adult that wasn't able to hit all the milestones society has set. But the people around me don't see this, they keep on pushing and pushing me to the breaking point.

My doctor says that I might find more understanding people if I lived overseas. But when, where, how? That's just wishful thinking and I don't want to give my family and peers / communities the satisfaction of seeing me succeed, of patting themselves in the back because I came from there. No, I can't live. I want to die and let them know that they all had a hand in ruining my life, neither acknowledging my efforts nor supporting me when I needed help.

I want them to see my blood on their hands.
 
Discussion starter · #56 ·
Update: Only halfway through my plan because my best friend is here and he won't let me do anything crazy. Taking a walk as soon as he leaves tomorrow. Even though I'm tired.

Below is the longer version of a previous post elsewhere.

There were many otherwise good days when I would ask people if they wanted to have a deeper connection with me. It doesn't have to be romantic. It could be close friend or even regular friend (one you hang out with every day) relationship and I always got turned down.

I'm not a man hater. I just happen to like girls more, and that freaks them out especially if they're not lesbian. I know I'm physically unattractive. I also have autism and depression. But don't I deserve a break too?

I have a lot of interests that I used to enjoy. "Used to" because I wanted to share those cool or exciting or beautiful things with others, but nobody was interested. You see, I'm the kind of person that when I find something awesome, the first thing I think about is sharing it with a friend or someone special. I don't expect them to be crazy about it like I am, but experience it with me. Like with movies, anime, music, and literature. It makes me very sad because when I share something I like, crickets . I know I'm weird but this is extremely alienating.

I can't even find someone to bond with over shared interests, so I got demoralized and stopped doing most of those activities. I know I know someone will come and tell me to take care of myself and I shouldn't need other people to enjoy myself. But it feels so hollow doing things alone, and another thing is that I can't expand my interests and skills without someone to make suggestions. I don't want Netflix and YouTube to be my best friends. Whatever happened to "Oh you like anime? How about we watch this one together?", "Let's just chill out while listening to these bands" or even "Let's go to karaoke or jam together?"

Several people on here already know me well enough to say that I'm a terrible person to hang out with. But if I don't have friends to bounce interests and ideas with, I'm sure to stagnate, which has already happened.

Here are my interests in general:

- anime and manga, especially Saiyuki (where my avatar comes from), Mobile Suit Gundam Wing, and Neon Genesis Evangelion. Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magica has a special place in my heart.

- classical music. I studied piano, guitar, and voice (as part of choirs). I love the sound of classical guitars, and quiet piano (not those dazzling virtuoso pieces). I briefly played bass in a band, and tried to learn how to play the drums. I couldn't cope with drums but I learned to read drum tabs. I miss singing and being in a chorale setting, being surrounded by amazing voices singing together sends chills down my spine. I miss that so much.
My favorite composers from that genre are Scarlatti, Bach and Chopin for piano; Anonymous/folk, Carcassi and Llobet for guitar. For choral and orchestral, I pick Philip Glass for his Einstein on the Beach.
I really want to improve and explore more in terms of musical performance, but it's too demoralizing for me that my family and friends are nonmusical. I can hardly play or sing any pop music because I didn't know much. And when I had training in instruments, we went straight into the classical methods and pieces.

- rock music, the kind that isn't too pleasant to the ears. People get shocked that a girl like me listens to harder stuff thank mainstream. It started with my emo phase but refined into either walls of distorted sound / screams with good lyrics, or some remnants of my pop-rock alternative phase that are more acceptable to others. I also like cover songs, I love it when they're done right.

- Mandopop and J-pop. The J-pop is obviously from the interest in anime, so it's mostly anime songs and OSTs. L'arc~en~Ciel and Kalafina are my favorites. Vocaloid and covers of their songs (Nico Nico Chorus mostly) deserve a special mention. Also, Takayan the crossdressing rapper who sings about mental issues. He's a recent find.
I fell in love with Jay Chou when I randomly found his music video on TV. F4 was all the rage back then, so some other Taiwanese artists were introduced, such as 5566. But Jay made a lot more impact on me. He is the main reason I wanted to study classical music.I also love the combination of rap with rock, and rap with pop, along with some meaningful and touching lyrics. Aside from Jay Chou, I grew to like Nan Quan Ma Ma, FIR Fei er Yue Tuan, Shin Xin Yue Tuan, and Hua ChenYu.

- Literature. This is actually a biggie because I write poetry sometimes. Used to be more regular about it, except I was a teen then and my writings were shit. They're all in my deviantART account, so embarrassing. But it was an outlet I needed. Reading was also an outlet and escape from the stresses of school. I haven't read all of their works, but my favorite authors are Kazantzakis, Mishima, and Hesse. And of course, I'd been reading different versions of the Bible (from Children's to KJV with Apocrypha) since I was 7. I love Asian poetry, especially those by Li Po (Li Bai) and Japanese haikus and tankas. And then there's Neruda and Plath. I also read nonfiction when there is a compelling story.

- Sitcoms, believe it or not. I watched all seasons of Friends, How I Met Your Mother, and Community. I also watched a good chunk of The Big Bang Theory and Modern Family. New Girl is my only ray of sunshine lately.

- For movies, I tend to stick to comedy and anime. But since Netflix, I watch documentary series and learn about important issues without getting bored. Episodes of Black Mirror are practically movies as well, and they're all good.

- Art. Something I started early on, and then dropped because school became too demanding. Also, I have no originality. But what really killed it was the rise of digital art. So I would need to be both original and tech-savvy. I quit because I couldn't learn Photoshop or anything more complicated than Paint. I don't know how to make and edit videos either, but some schools take it for granted that children can do that. It is not so frustrating now because I don't have an idea I want to turn into art. But what if I did?

- Sports. hah, this is tricky. I have below average health, and also asthma. But I learned to swim as a kid, and then basketball and football (soccer) for school. Volleyball, softball, table tennis and bowling didn't stick. I always lost because I'm slow and uncoordinated, but I love basketball and football for the exercise. Badminton, table tennis and bowling are fun with friends, except I don't have enough friends nearby to find a gym and play with me.
I used to go to the gym with my mom as my buddy, but she had to quit because of osteoporosis, and I lost interest then. I do have some light dumbells and video exercises but too unmotivated to touch them to the point of being scared. Whenever I get some exercise done, I get a lot of pain that lasts 3-4 days. My mom is slim, so she doesn't have to worry about weight, but I'm obese level overweight, my heart got weak, and my asthma has become frequent. I wish I had someone to join me in a gym and help me lose wieght and gain muscle.

- Video games are the trickiest. I played Robotrek and Uncharted Waters 2: New Horizons on SNES. Then Saga Frontier 2, Chrono Cross, and DDR on PlayStation. Played Starcraft: Broodwar, Pokemon Yellow and Diablo II briefly on PC. Then I looked for an emulator to play Chrono Trigger finally. There's also Summon Night: a Swordcraft Story on GameBoy Advance, and some idle games on mobile. And that's most of it. I couldn't cope with any strategy and multiplayer games, and I hate that because my dream is to be able to play Uncharted Waters Online and Total War or Romance of the Three Kingdoms. They're huge multiplayer strategy games and I'm too slow and dumb to understand the gameplay and cope with it.
 
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Here are my interests in general:

- rock music, the kind that isn't too pleasant to the ears. People get shocked that a girl like me listens to harder stuff thank mainstream. It started with my emo phase but refined into either walls of distorted sound / screams with good lyrics, or some remnants of my pop-rock alternative phase that are more acceptable to others. I also like cover songs, I love it when they're done right.

- For movies, I tend to stick to comedy and anime. But since Netflix, I watch documentary series and learn about important issues without getting bored. Episodes of Black Mirror are practically movies as well, and they're all good.

- Video games are the trickiest. I played Robotrek and Uncharted Waters 2: New Horizons on SNES. Then Saga Frontier 2, Chrono Cross, and DDR on PlayStation. Played Starcraft: Broodwar, Pokemon Yellow and Diablo II briefly on PC. Then I looked for an emulator to play Chrono Trigger finally. There's also Summon Night: a Swordcraft Story on GameBoy Advance, and some idle games on mobile. And that's most of it. I couldn't cope with any strategy and multiplayer games, and I hate that because my dream is to be able to play Uncharted Waters Online and Total War or Romance of the Three Kingdoms. They're huge multiplayer strategy games and I'm too slow and dumb to understand the gameplay and cope with it.
I am feeling really tired so I'm not sure I'll be of much help, but I'll just share some of my interests as well.

I listen to a rock/punk programme called short.fast.loud on Australian radio station Triple J, it is a 3-hour show on wednesday nights 10pm-1am (UTC+10 time). There's also Kerrang Radio based in the UK which plays modern rock music.

I recently watched the first season of the comedy Kim's Convenience. It's about 20 mins per episode so it's not too tedious to watch. I just started watching the anime Death Parade, but I'm only at the second episode. I have also most recently watched the movies Fear Of Rain (about a girl with schizophrenia suspecting that her neighbour has kidnapped a child) and Synchronic (about a designer that causes people to time travel).

I don't really play competitive/fast-paced games either, it is too stressful, especially when it's so easy to lose. The most recent game I played is Always Sometimes Monsters, the main storyline is about you trying to win back your love interest in 30 days, but there are several other side quests as well.
 
It's really too bad that there's no exchange program for desperately suicidal people to trade places with others who are dying but want to live. That would make too much sense, wouldn't it.
 
Discussion starter · #60 ·
I'll just be honest here.

This morning, I was feeling okay and even considering moving my deadline a lot further.
But now I'm fighting the urge to make it as quick as tomorrow.

I'm sorry, everyone. But you, the people who actually care, are so few and far between that chances are I won't get to meet or know you. As far as the majority of the world is concerned, I am still garbage. Please don't misunderstand. I do appreciate. But that's not enough of a reason to go on. That's not enough to go against the world.

My experience today has taught me this:
They're smart, I'm not.
They're healthy, I'm not.
They're useful, I'm not.
Their opinions matter, mine don't.
They matter, I don't.

That's life... I just have to get used to this.
 
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