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Discussion starter · #61 · (Edited)
I don't even have a safe space to cry anymore.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I hate myself.
IMVU is a sensory nightmare. It makes me so tired I want to die.
Every little thing is causing me more pain and for longer than usual.
My meds are backfiring again. I just can't take anymore of this.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck end me now end me now fuck it just end right fucking now i don't care anymore just make it go away

Since I might not be in the forums for a while.

I just want everyone to know that I read your replies, suggestions and advice and really appreciate the time and thought. I don't have the strength to write proper replies now, nor the nerve to lie and say that I will do everything that you say and will be okay - I can't promise anything. I'll just save the threads for future reference.

And I'm very very sorry for all the trouble I caused. I'm sorry for everything.

Maybe I should leave for good but it's too soon to decide on something so important.

I just hate it when people accuse me of being contradictory on purpose. I'm at wits' end. I have no energy to argue with anybody these days.
 
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Discussion starter · #62 ·
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what I'm doing I could hardly think.
I just want to be more honest with myself, whatever that means. Haters gotta hate and people misunderstand, but that doesn't mean I should lose my voice. Just wish I could find some place to express myself more. Things aren't working out for me in that department and I'm losing hope of finding anything.
 
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Discussion starter · #63 ·
Time for me to write some gibberish... Others are encouraged to ignore the rest of this post.

Somebody once advised me to "pray unceasingly". Maybe he should have said "ask (questions) unceasingly".

What kills me is that happiness is such a short-lived thing, but pain lasts. Kind gestures are inappropriate and socially unacceptable, but mean words and actions are expected and accepted.

 

People like big ships. Want them. Everyone wants a Full-Rigged, no, ten, but four to six Xebecs can do the job, probably even faster. I don't know why I still go for the full FR fleet.
I should really play the game again and analyze why I do these things. Nothing needs to be perfect. Even a couple of Naos could make it in no time. But it's not about speed.

Money? No, I end up with at least a hundred ingots too much. I even hire more than I should, I'm super rich. But why? I learned everything from my brother, the only thing I do differently are the in-between ships and the trade routes. West African sugar instead of Dutch glass beads, selling gold to India instead of Europe, the cinnamon there or in Southeast Asia for silver in Japan, and only then going back to Europe.

I invented a system of loading less water than food, then sourcing the rest of the water from well stops. Oh dear I'm even more of a miser than my brother. But at the same time, a lot less straightforward and no brand loyalty. Get ships from anywhere, get goods from anywhere, hire just about anyone.

WAIT WAIT why did I say I want Full-Riggeds? I want Frigates, dammit. Fast and efficient and fuck, why am I being so TQMy again, it's just a game. But why do I have to be so uptight about it? If it's not money and not speed, then what? Unless I sidetrack to pirate hunting, I will be following my brother's method and it's pretty much straightforward. Complete the map, come home, end of story.

Is that really all I got? Just a copy of my brother's methods, even though he's probably never doing that again. We used to have that and music and anime in common. He threw it all away by leaving his family. He has two young children but chose to chase after a person who is only using him for money - when he doesn't have much to go on. He has a small source of income, but his savings are less than mine.

That made no sense to me. He used to have 500 to 1000 ingots too much, nine or ten Full-Rigged ships full of gold from East Africa. None of that translated to real life. Our family are unaware that we'd spent years learning world geography at the age of exploration. They thought I was some kind of your genius but I was only watching my brother be happy. I don't see him being happy ever again. Not until he realizes his mistake and comes home.

Nobody gets to buy a Full-Rigged right away. We all start with a Caravela Latina. But we go through a long process of trading until we could at least fill a trading ship like a Carrack or Nao. There's no shame in having a small ship at the beginning. There's no shame buying used ships until profits are established enough to get something custom-made. My business right now is a Latina and I'm proud of it. It's not a lot but it is something. I don't understand why people expect big business right away. Ask any real entrepreneur, it's never like that in real life. But big businesses, consumerism, The Apprentice and other misleading shows make the hard work of making money seem so glamorous. They don't know the millionaire next door.

I fell asleep writing this. Was waiting for some kind of revelation I think, that never came.
 
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Discussion starter · #64 ·
No idea why that last post got a like when it was all gibberish. Even I couldn't finish it without sleeping in the middle.

Do you know how hard it is to get a Tekkousen? How much investment of money, how many times sailing back and forth from Europe to Asia? Your skills and the skills of your crew and navigators, just to make the harsh journeys? JOURNEYS. Not one, but many.

The ship of steel. I'm sure there was a chronological error there, but what the hell. Maybe people time traveled.
An anachronism. Such is myself. Such is myself meeting such people. Wrong place, wrong time. The Tekkousen, hacking to the gate. Amadeus made into a real person.

Time slips.
Time slips.
Time slips.
And we see what we were not supposed to see. A glimpse of eternity.

I was blind to everything outside of me.
But that was a blessing and not a curse.
I should have never talked.
I should have never worn those glasses.
I should have never had a heart for others.
Now I'm losing my mind as well.
Everything.
Everyone.
Every place and time.
Gone, just like a dream.
Life, just like a nightmare.

What do I know about Sun Wukong? What do I know about Wenrou?
Nothing. I am just a fake monk.

 
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Discussion starter · #65 ·
I can't take it anymore. I really thought there was something special going on. But no, my feelings were just being toyed it. And I thought it was wenrou. I'm so ashamed of myself. I'd been manipulated, again, unwillingly this time.

This was a person that I thought was a hero, someone who once helped in the spiritual journey. But the methods are... Let's just say I'm afraid someone I care about might get broken by someone I used to care about.

Except there's no such thing as "used to".

Temples were meant to be burned to the ground. Not one stone standing on top of another. They still are, even now. Whether that temple is in your body, or only in your mind.

I am so lost, powerless, and helpless to stop this.

What would wenrou do?
She will make it through this. She is stronger than I am. But she won't know what hit her. It's not something she's interested in or aware of.
She doesn't trust me, but I trust her.
I'm not allowed to intervene. As if anyone would listen to, or understand, my gibberish.
Even though I never stop caring about them.
Even though they generally take this against me.
I can't do anything but watch as people get destroyed, right in front of my eyes.
I have to stop crying. I don't have any valid reasons to be crying.

As for x10... I said publicly that I love her, but that was unnecessary. Maybe even extravagant.
Of course she knows that she is lovely.
What I really mean to say was, "I love myself."
"I love myself when I'm with you."
They won't understand, but I love what we had.
I even thought it was wenrou.
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck

What I thought we had.
We really had nothing. It was nothing.
Nobody really had an interest in me.
Nobody owns me.
Nobody can give me orders.
Nobody thinks I have that much worth
or ability
or even the potential of having ability.
Nobody.

There is no god.
There is no temple.
Nothing left
Nothing left for me to shatter
to burn to ashes
I'm nothing, I have nothing to offer and say,
"This is for you"
Fuck, I'm crying. Stop. I have classes today. I can't.
Fuck.
Fuck.

Pretend to be all right.
I can't take it anymore.
 
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Discussion starter · #66 · (Edited)
If that is how enlightened people treat others, then I want none of it. If that is heaven, then I would rather swim in my lake of fire, thank you.

Do you really care enough about a person to give advice? Or do you just want to show off how knowledgeable and healthy you are? You try to save others, but hold nothing sacred. You try to love others, but you only love an idea. Of being better than them. Of being right. Don't flatter yourself. We are all broken.

Go ahead, soaking in sympathy of friends who never loved you nearly half as much as I do. But did you want to listen? You took the world with you. So what is left for me? Trying to cope with feelings aroused in me. My hands in the soil, buried inside of myself. Here am I, a lifetime away from you.

You are not your personality. You are not your values. There is a place beyond good and evil, right and wrong, male and female, healthy and unhealthy, thinking and feeling and sensing and intuiting, and that is the true you. Because I love you, I hate you. Because I love you, I reject your God and your values. Because I love you, I hate you and everything that you stand for. That is a facade. That is not you.

You all speak a language I don't understand. I speak a language you don't understand. But who is really speaking from the heart here? Or have we all let conventions and agreements stand in the way of expressing our true selves? Choosing better, more intelligent-sounding, healthier expressions. "Oh, don't talk about that, someone could get triggered. Oh, that kind of opinion isn't welcome here." Who can sing from the heart? Who can scream their entire being into the infinite abyss? Who can make the sacrifice when nothing is sacred anymore?

Or as as poet I know once wrote:

Now, here is the artist!
Passing moments. Fleeting days. Words left unsaid. Songs left unsung.
Now, here is the song!
But just when people have started opening their ears,
And the ear that listens, once and for all
nobody sings in their own voice anymore.

And you even dare to talk about authenticity! I can't believe I bared my heart and soul to you. No, I can do that, because I can be honest even with people who hold nothing sacred. Because I don't need to play a part just so people will listen to my gibberish. I know they won't understand me, so what's the point? But that does not mean I don't have a voice. I have all the right to scream into the void. So here I am, singing my lungs out. (But did you want to listen? I tried!)

I can and will be honest with dishonest people. I can and will be vulnerable to calloused people. Go ahead and call me toxic, codependent, unhealthy. This decision is mine to make, and I'm making it, for better or worse. I will love and I will lose. Again and again and again. I will never learn, I will never be attractive or smart of healthy, I will never be good enough for you. Believe me, I tried. But never again. And I mean never. I love who I am, even if everyone hates me, even if God Himself hates me.

Lake of fire, here I come!!!
 
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Discussion starter · #67 ·
She might be dead. How dare you spit on her would-be grave like that.
Unlike the Japanese, you have no honor.
Everything is just a game to you. People are just pawns.

You're never going to be a part of me.
 
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Discussion starter · #68 ·
I did what I could. It's just not good enough for others. I can't regret, but I still feel devastated.

sighs Where's Melodias when I need him?
 
Discussion starter · #69 ·
Headache. Too much pressure. Just wanna disappear.
Wait, there's a song that fits this perfectly.
 
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Discussion starter · #70 ·
I thought I couldn't get any more broken, but... yep, I'm completely destroyed now.



Can't even talk to anyone about this because I'm not Chinese, I don't understand the language.
 
Discussion starter · #71 ·
Lake of fire! Lake of fire! For me and me alone!

Mayday – Light Year Summer (Eternal Summer, very roughly and liberally translated)

Let go of rules, give in to love
Let yourself go, give the future up
There’s no turning away
There’s no going back
I won’t turn away!
I won’t go back!


I proudly desecrate
The ordinary that I hate
But they used to be my favourite things
Let playful summer have its way
Take the cruel tomorrow
And throw it light years away

(But now...)
Let go of rules, give in to love
Let yourself go, give the future up
There’s no turning away
There’s no going back
I won’t turn away!
I won’t go back!

Let the rules become simple
Let the order become chaos
It’s the only kind of youth that I want
Let playful summer have its way
Take the cruel tomorrow
And throw it light years away

(But now...)
Let go of rules, give in to love
Let yourself go, give the future up
There’s no turning away
There’s no going back
I won’t turn away!
I won’t go back!

Wanna go crazy wanna fall in love right now!
Just wanna go insane wanna go crazy in love!
A million mp3 songs, a million crazy loves
But still not enough for this loneliness to drown

Wanna go crazy wanna fall in love right now!
Just wanna go insane wanna go crazy in love!
Summer was wild, but now it’s light years away

Must every young person grow up and fall into decay?

Let go of rules, give in to love
Let yourself go, give the future up
There’s no turning away
There’s no going back
I won’t turn away!
I won’t go back!


Mayday – Tenderness / Love (very roughly translated)

Walking in the breeze today, the sunshine felt so gentle
The tender sky, the gentle ground, just like being in your arms
All of a sudden, you changed and left me here alone
How will I carry on and face the cold?

The beautiful horizon, the me who was beside you, were not what you saw
What was hidden in your eyes, I will never know
Never mind, your world is yours and yours alone
Not to disturb, that is my tender love

I don’t know, I can’t know, I don’t want to know
Why my heart wants to be close, yet at dawn I’m all alone
I don’t know, I can’t know, I don’t want to know
Why my heart believes loneliness is love’s beauty
So again I give you the all the best of me...

Helplessly, aimlessly, I wander up to your intersection
I don’t cry, I don’t smile, because this is just a dream
With no warning, with no reason, you did say before
That yes, it’s time to let you go

To let you go...
To set you free...
I’m letting you go...
I’m setting you free...


This is my tenderness!
This is my love!
I’m letting you go!
I’m setting you free!

I don’t know, I can’t know, I don’t want to know
Why my heart wants to be close, yet at dawn I’m all alone
I don’t know, I can’t know, I don’t want to know
Why my heart believes loneliness is love’s beauty

So again I give you the all the best of me...

Helplessly, aimlessly, I wander up to your intersection
I don’t cry, I don’t smile, because this is just a dream
With no warning, with no reason, you did say before
That yes, it’s time to let you go

This is my tenderness
This is my love
This is my tenderness
This is my love

To let you go...

This is my tenderness.

(Some parts are added from other versions.)

 
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Discussion starter · #72 · (Edited)
People hate me. At least it's clear now. I know where I stand. It's less complicated without the ambiguity.

Two years ago, I saved a person's life. Now, I will destroy my own the same way. I learned it from her... She's in a better place now... As far away from me as possible.
 
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From what you wrote it reminds me symptoms of major depression. If I may ask what has lead you down this hole. Is it something specific? If you didn't believe or have hope would you be posting this. What are you seeking? Is there anything in your life you feel good about or grateful for? I have been writing what I am grateful for every day for the past month. It helps.... (helps direct your thoughts.) I know right now it's easy to spiral down. If you can hold the fort a bit, you will feel some sort of relief.
 
Don't die just yet @Fennel -- you're too authentic and quirky (and dramatic - I remember you) for this world to miss out on. At least you're your expressive self amidst the hords of fucking fakers in this world anyways.

It counts, you know. :giggle:

Not sure about your MBTI and Enneagram, but in case you lead with Fi (INFP), then you're royally fucked in your collectivistic asian culture I am pretty sure. That's extra rough.
Additionally; in case of Enneagram type 4.... among their few typical hopes and dreams that bring them solace in life, it is romanticism and relationships (i.e. being truly / fully seen / understood / accepted by another being).

None of that was ever supposed to be easy. Heck, i'm drugging myself through the days over here as we speak as well. Year in, year out. Sometimes I feel like a villain, being an all secret high functioning depressive person going about their days.
 
Hey I hope you are ok, I was reading your posts and while I don't know what you are going through I feel I can relate. I have been struggling with depression as well, although it's a bit better now. I have thought I wanted to die but I just can't quite give up all hope, even when everything seems bleak and I feel all alone. I know what it's like to feel like hope is futile and to find no joy in life but please don't give up. these dark days will pass one day. even if you are all alone right now that doesn't mean you always will be, I'm sure there are people out there you haven't even met yet who are waiting for someone like you. you deserve to be loved, I know believing that may be hard. I have had a hard time loving myself too because of past mistakes but I have chosen to not give up on a better future no matter how many times I seem to have failed before. so please don't give up.
 
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