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Now I'll be honest. I don't know if what I'm about to describe is an INFJ thing, or just the results of a difficult childhood. I'll be interested in feedback.
So, basically, I'm almost always on the defense, thinking at any time, I may have to protect myself (emotionally, not physically.) I've been told that I "Prepare for battle where there is no battle." Yes, people have a right to their own opinion, but don't you DARE question me, my beliefs, my passions, or my life style! Something weird happens to me if I'm pushed too much. I'm one of the most peace loving people ever, I loathe conflict, but I'll lash out, and my words can be harsh. On Facebook, someone disagreed with my political opinion, even said I'm "UnAmerican" Those were fighting words for me! I told him off, and unfriended him. Or, take my need to have things planned out. My boss does not understand this need. At all. He would refuse to give me a specific time for an assignment, let me stew, wanting it settled and decided. He wouldn't budge. Neither did I. I pushed and pushed (quietly and respectfully, of course)
Guess what? He's finally seeing my side of things. (mostly)
IDK, if these examples are enough, but it's late and I'm tired. I hope you'll chime in with your thoughts.
Thanks!
 

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Have you heard of narcissistic rage/injury?
 
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Now I'll be honest. I don't know if what I'm about to describe is an INFJ thing, or just the results of a difficult childhood. I'll be interested in feedback.
Could be in INFJ thing. Like, you can read people and what you read could provoke conflict.

On Facebook, someone disagreed with my political opinion, even said I'm "UnAmerican" Those were fighting words for me! I told him off, and unfriended him.
What led the Facebook person to call you "UnAmerican"?
 

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The key here is not to care about what other people think, not to permit potential changes in your relative popularity prohibit your full self-expression. Once you can do that, you can brush off the people who object to what you've got to say as backwards idiots.

That's not narcissistic in the slightest by the way. It's only narcissism if you haven't got the walk to match the talk.
 

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Now I'll be honest. I don't know if what I'm about to describe is an INFJ thing, or just the results of a difficult childhood. I'll be interested in feedback.
So, basically, I'm almost always on the defense, thinking at any time, I may have to protect myself (emotionally, not physically.) I've been told that I "Prepare for battle where there is no battle." Yes, people have a right to their own opinion, but don't you DARE question me, my beliefs, my passions, or my life style! Something weird happens to me if I'm pushed too much. I'm one of the most peace loving people ever, I loathe conflict, but I'll lash out, and my words can be harsh. On Facebook, someone disagreed with my political opinion, even said I'm "UnAmerican" Those were fighting words for me! I told him off, and unfriended him. Or, take my need to have things planned out. My boss does not understand this need. At all. He would refuse to give me a specific time for an assignment, let me stew, wanting it settled and decided. He wouldn't budge. Neither did I. I pushed and pushed (quietly and respectfully, of course)
Guess what? He's finally seeing my side of things. (mostly)
IDK, if these examples are enough, but it's late and I'm tired. I hope you'll chime in with your thoughts.
Thanks!
If you can't stand by your convictions, you're up for grabs for whatever politically correct bullshit that comes along. I think the world needs more people who won't back down, regardless of what side they're on.
 

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Wow, this sounds really hard.

It sounds as though you feel quite vulnerable, so much so that you have a knee-jerk reaction to fight tooth and nail whenever something comes up against a personal view. It sounds like it's not a conscious choice, though, more like a fight-or flight response that's become second nature.

As soon as you feel that initial frantic drive to strike out in defence, take a step back and try to look at what it actually is that triggered the feeling. In my experience, a lot of anger is simply fear in disguise. Whenever I feel a need to protect myself, I try to question what it really is that I'm striking out in fear from, on an innate level. For me, it's usually a fear of being misunderstood or unheard. At first, this feels very confronting and unnatural, but after a while it gets easier and you might be surprised what you'll find. Give yourself a lot of time and space, and allow yourself to feel the defensive reaction when it comes up. It takes time to be vulnerable with ourselves when we are desperate to protect ourselves, but it is worth it.

I think also, as INFJs we don't like being misunderstood and disagreed with because our beliefs/passions/views etc. are things that we take very seriously, and have been honed so much that it feels like a personal slight if someone downplays how much thought we've put into them.

Another thing, when someone questions your views, or even your authenticity/motivation in having those views, that doesn't make your views any less 'so'. They're still yours, and nobody's reaction to them will change that. And the fact that you were able to convince your boss respectfully shows that you can present your view of things to others and have them heard. Next time, take a deep breath, slowly put the 'armour' down, and move forward very gently.

Be kind to yourself! I do understand where you're coming from, it's something I've experienced before too. :happy:
 

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I'm exactly the same. I've had so many people in my life tell me i'm wrong or poke holes in my opinion that it made me quite feisty to be honest. I used to be a push over, I was disappearing, beat down mentally - but now i'm more assertive. I despise conflict but if I have to I will fight to be heard.

I have less friends than I used to, but if they can't handle me at my strongest they weren't my real friends anyway. As long as you're rational and not aggressive towards other people there's no reason you shouldn't defend what you think.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Could be in INFJ thing. Like, you can read people and what you read could provoke conflict.



What led the Facebook person to call you "UnAmerican"?


He called me "unAmerican" because I said I'm against giving illegal immigrants a free ride. :dry:
 

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Now I'll be honest. I don't know if what I'm about to describe is an INFJ thing, or just the results of a difficult childhood. I'll be interested in feedback.
So, basically, I'm almost always on the defense, thinking at any time, I may have to protect myself (emotionally, not physically.) I've been told that I "Prepare for battle where there is no battle." Yes, people have a right to their own opinion, but don't you DARE question me, my beliefs, my passions, or my life style! Something weird happens to me if I'm pushed too much. I'm one of the most peace loving people ever, I loathe conflict, but I'll lash out, and my words can be harsh. On Facebook, someone disagreed with my political opinion, even said I'm "UnAmerican" Those were fighting words for me! I told him off, and unfriended him. Or, take my need to have things planned out. My boss does not understand this need. At all. He would refuse to give me a specific time for an assignment, let me stew, wanting it settled and decided. He wouldn't budge. Neither did I. I pushed and pushed (quietly and respectfully, of course)
Guess what? He's finally seeing my side of things. (mostly)
IDK, if these examples are enough, but it's late and I'm tired. I hope you'll chime in with your thoughts.
Thanks!
I think it can be a characteristic of you being an INFJ, I recognize some elements of my own life and emotional 'episodes'. It's tough, I know.

Perhaps it helps if you take a deep breath whenever you feel attacked or criticized and keep in mind that that other person is only human, just like you, and that he too doesn't want his opinion to be questioned. You can be the mature one is those discussions and just sum up the parts of his view that you agree with and the ones you don't. "Agree to disagree?" is a great sentence to end those kind of discussions (political) with.

But keep an open mind (and ear), because you never know when someone gives you the greatest advice you will ever get, and you weren't paying attention because you refused to do so! :happy:

And just learning to not care about what others think of your life, life style, convictions etc is really the best gift you can give to yourself. Like, EVER. You will feel free. I've been working at it and I get a little taste of that feeling now and then. It tastes awesome.

Cheers!
 

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No, I honestly am not narcissistic. If I'm TRULY wrong, I can be brought around, IF the person treats me with respect, not like I'm an idiot.
Are you saying that you have heard the terms and that doesn't apply or are you just saying that you're not a narcissist?

Have you earned their respect or are you talking about respect that everyone as a human being deserves?

Are they giving you the latter and you are just perceiving their tone/words in a negative manner?

or just the results of a difficult childhood.
always on the defense, thinking at any time, I may have to protect myself (emotionally, not physically.)... but I'll lash out, and my words can be harsh.
IDK, that doesn't sound normal.

Yes, people have a right to their own opinion, but don't you DARE question me, my beliefs, my passions, or my life style! ...On Facebook, someone disagreed with my political opinion, even said I'm "UnAmerican" Those were fighting words for me! I told him off, and unfriended him.
Your Facebook friends opinion is that you are UnAmerican because they have come to a conclusion based off of a view you shared, why is there a need to tell them off or unfriend them?

Or, take my need to have things planned out. My boss does not understand this need. At all. He would refuse to give me a specific time for an assignment, let me stew, wanting it settled and decided. He wouldn't budge. Neither did I. I pushed and pushed (quietly and respectfully, of course) Guess what? He's finally seeing my side of things. (mostly)
Well, he is the boss after all. Was the added information of him finally seeing things your way relevant to the solution of your overall struggle? I fail to see the point other than to point that you were right.
 

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If you think it could be related to childhood issues, I would say the concept of projection may help you unravel and better understand what is going on for you, as you seem interested in changing some of this, which I understand.

There is an art to an INFJ healing from a difficult childhood. It can be done. Yes.

You don't want to live your life feeling like you have to be ready for battle and protect yourself emotionally too much. We all have to do that sometimes but you don't want to spend your whole day in fight or flight mode. You deserve to feel at ease in the world a lot of the time.
 

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Sounds like you've spent a lot of time deprived of self-determination, or overly criticized for it, and now you're trying to make up for that or prove those criticisms wrong.

Out of respect I will not speculate what that "difficult childhood" was.
 
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