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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello all,

I have ventured into your rational domain with a query that will require knowledge of your irrational, internal, fiercely guarded Fi. Advance apologies-I can already hear the fuses blowing on your circuit boards.

Two years ago I met an INTJ female. The attraction was intense and immediate. I ask you trust my intuition when I say that I knew our colliding in the near or distant future was inevitable. It was stronger than a magnetic pull (duel Ni dom perhaps?) and I have only felt such immediate attraction with an ex-girlfriend (an ENFP).

In the months that followed we'd meet in happy 'coincidence':sneaky: she'd show up at my stomping grounds and we'd steal minutes and hours in group settings getting to know each other. Wide eyed stares (I mean, unashamed staring-continuing even after I've met her gaze with a coy smile), boasting of intellect and hushed tones when I've seen through her walls (which I know have been built very high). I believe I understand her and that I have a solid read on her person but have myself been reticent in making my interest 'obvious' so as to see if her interest was genuine (foolish, I know). I have a suspicion we spent this time trying to figure out where the other person stood and with classic introvert hesitancy, neither of us made a move.

Life has happened for us both and we haven't seen each other in a couple of months with the likelihood of seeing the other again only happening in a group setting.

What I am asking you all (and I acknowledge there is no universal answer/everyone is unique etc.)-how do you process liking someone over the long term (maybe I'm asking if your crushes are long term/how rare it is for you to genuinely like someone)? As in, as an INTJ, is it likely her interest is still there? Admittedly, it is for me. Crushes, hell, being genuinely drawn to anyone at all, is a very rare thing for me (we're both in our late twenties) and I hope that in understanding your psychology/how you work I can decide on my next steps.

I'd be truly grateful for any insight you may have!
 

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You joined a forum to ask if you have a chance with someone. You seem to think she may be interested in you too. I say be done with all the guesswork and just directly send her a message. You’ll get your answer then.

Don’t tiptoe around the idea. She’ll at least appreciate the initiative. What do you really have to lose? The worst that can happen is she rejects you, but even then it’s better to know that than keep wondering. So keep it light, ask to hang out or whatever activity you both can enjoy together, if you’re able to wherever you are during this pandemic, that is.

 
Whenever someone seems to like me but aren’t saying so directly, I always have trouble “catching the signs” and can be oblivious due to not wanting to assume I’m special to someone. I’m not the best judge when it comes to these sorts of things so I always appreciate them simply telling me their intentions so I can either accept or reject and be done with it. I also have, on occasion, asked to clarify if they’re flirting with me or if I’m misunderstanding.

On the flip side, when I do REALLY like someone (which is rare), I also make it known and I say my intentions (something like wanting a long-term serious relationship). Why make it difficult? I admit though that I only do this when I feel I have a chance, otherwise it seems pointless.
 

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As far as you thinking you might have INTJs figured out, trust me, you don't.

INTJs are so hard to figure out, it takes 50 hours of JRPG for the protagonist to end up with the ice queen, and it mostly only happens because of plot convenience.

Most of the time, INTJs pride themselves on nobody knowing the true them. That's why it's an 'unbreakable wall'.

Not that I have INTJs figured out either, and I've been trying a lot longer.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thank you both for your responses🙌

AceOfForests-you're may well be right. My assumed understanding of her is based on a handful of meetings. From observing her she gets incredibly nervous around me so what I'm seeing may be a 'performance'.

Miharu-I really wish it were as simple sending her a text/asking her out outright, truly 🤦‍♂️ I would welcome some clarity myself. Given geography (we're based on opposite sides of the UK) and the time that has elapsed since we last met this is all frustratingly abstract/unknown. Question-when you have 'REALLY' liked someone were your affections drawn out or switched off after a period?

I have some word of mouth 'evidence 'from her friends that she's interested. From what I've read and researched (I'm reddening admitting that) it's rare for INTJ's to crush on/like someone at all and they can be incredibly slow/hesitant with romantic interests.

I privately suspect I've caught a terrible bout of limerence😅 (😩😩)
 

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Thank you both for your responses🙌

AceOfForests-you're may well be right. My assumed understanding of her is based on a handful of meetings. From observing her she gets incredibly nervous around me so what I'm seeing may be a 'performance'.

Miharu-I really wish it were as simple sending her a text/asking her out outright, truly 🤦‍♂️ I would welcome some clarity myself. Given geography (we're based on opposite sides of the UK) and the time that has elapsed since we last met this is all frustratingly abstract/unknown. Question-when you have 'REALLY' liked someone were your affections drawn out or switched off after a period?

I have some word of mouth 'evidence 'from her friends that she's interested. From what I've read and researched (I'm reddening admitting that) it's rare for INTJ's to crush on/like someone at all and they can be incredibly slow/hesitant with romantic interests.

I privately suspect I've caught a terrible bout of limerence😅 (😩😩)
Perhaps ask her about a topic of mutual interest and get a dialogue going since you live far apart. It might provide the buffer needed to feel each other out at a “safe distance.

But if that goes well and you get to know each other some, see if she’d like to get together sometime, or attend some event you both would be interested in other than a social gathering of mutual friends.

If you are compatible and into each other, things should evolve pretty naturally from there.

You’re overthinking it, but you sound sweet, lol. Just gotta get over that initial hump of reaching out in some way.
 

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Miharu-I really wish it were as simple sending her a text/asking her out outright, truly 🤦‍♂️ I would welcome some clarity myself. Given geography (we're based on opposite sides of the UK) and the time that has elapsed since we last met this is all frustratingly abstract/unknown.

I have some word of mouth 'evidence 'from her friends that she's interested. From what I've read and researched (I'm reddening admitting that) it's rare for INTJ's to crush on/like someone at all and they can be incredibly slow/hesitant with romantic interests.
But it is as simple as that. It’s just hard since you’re putting yourself out there. She is far from you, and there aren’t many chances of running into each other “accidentally” so even staging a gathering is far too much effort (not to mention time-consuming, potentially confusing and slow).

So if you’re hesitant to approach her directly, how else are you supposed to make your objective happen? Are you planning on waiting for her to make the move instead, assuming she is also into you? That’s a waiting game you can choose to skip, knowing that you supposedly have “evidence” that she is into you; what is really stopping you if you want it that bad?

Question-when you have 'REALLY' liked someone were your affections drawn out or switched off after a period?
Crushes are rare and far in between, but they stick until they either develop into something more or I drop them.

In relationships, I have loyalty and commitment to the one I love. I will continue to until they give me a reason to stop. I don’t do romance often and I don’t really fall for people easily, but when I do, I can be terribly all or nothing, even to my own detriment, since I don’t let in a lot of people and can be selective.
 

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Hello all,

I have ventured into your rational domain with a query that will require knowledge of your irrational, internal, fiercely guarded Fi. Advance apologies-I can already hear the fuses blowing on your circuit boards.

Two years ago I met an INTJ female. The attraction was intense and immediate. I ask you trust my intuition when I say that I knew our colliding in the near or distant future was inevitable. It was stronger than a magnetic pull (duel Ni dom perhaps?) and I have only felt such immediate attraction with an ex-girlfriend (an ENFP).

In the months that followed we'd meet in happy 'coincidence':sneaky: she'd show up at my stomping grounds and we'd steal minutes and hours in group settings getting to know each other. Wide eyed stares (I mean, unashamed staring-continuing even after I've met her gaze with a coy smile), boasting of intellect and hushed tones when I've seen through her walls (which I know have been built very high). I believe I understand her and that I have a solid read on her person but have myself been reticent in making my interest 'obvious' so as to see if her interest was genuine (foolish, I know). I have a suspicion we spent this time trying to figure out where the other person stood and with classic introvert hesitancy, neither of us made a move.

Life has happened for us both and we haven't seen each other in a couple of months with the likelihood of seeing the other again only happening in a group setting.

What I am asking you all (and I acknowledge there is no universal answer/everyone is unique etc.)-how do you process liking someone over the long term (maybe I'm asking if your crushes are long term/how rare it is for you to genuinely like someone)? As in, as an INTJ, is it likely her interest is still there? Admittedly, it is for me. Crushes, hell, being genuinely drawn to anyone at all, is a very rare thing for me (we're both in our late twenties) and I hope that in understanding your psychology/how you work I can decide on my next steps.

I'd be truly grateful for any insight you may have!
At any point did either of you talk to each other about this, or did you just make eyes at each other from across the room? Why don't you walk up to her, say "hi" and go from there?
She was probably waiting for you to chat her up and you never did.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
tanstaafl28-we've always spoken whenever we've met and the conversation has always been stimulating, with plenty of depth etc. We both skirt away from the personal however, hence the "feeling the other out" suspicion.

Squirt-you are sweet for saying so but I will expand in my response to Miharu (sorry, I wrote out my original post at work and omitted a key detail 😅)

That’s a waiting game you can choose to skip, knowing that you supposedly have “evidence” that she is into you; what is really stopping you if you want it that bad?

Crushes are rare and far in between, but they stick until they either develop into something more or I drop them. In relationships, I have loyalty and commitment to the one I love. I will continue to until they give me a reason to stop. I don’t do romance often and I don’t really fall for people easily, but when I do, I can be terribly all or nothing, even to my own detriment, since I don’t let in a lot of people and can be selective.
We don't have each other's contact information, so we're effectively in limbo. Our meetings up till our last meeting have been pure coincidence and intentional planning.

Hence my attempt to understand the inner working of similar minded/typed men and women who have gone through/experienced something similar. I have dated in the period since we last met...but for reasons unknown and inexplicable-I (almost stubbornly) cannot dismiss this girl from my head.
 

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Nowadays, it’s easy to find people online, unless she’s living off the grid or you don’t know her name. But you say you have heard of her interest from her friends (hence you have some form of connection), so I admit I am a little confused as to what makes you unable to get any information on her at all, nevermind how you found out her MBTI before any of this, but I digress, as I am sure you are leaving out a lot of details—perhaps fix the contact detail bit before anything else. You now know what to do.

I think I have contributed enough, and I hope you manage to find a way to connect with her. Good luck.
 

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I don't like people often. When I do I don't show it unless there is an intention in mind. I would say if you are feeling interest from her side or even potential interest, (and she's talked about you to her friends,...u sure she is INTJ?) like Miharu said, your best bet is to find a way to make contact and try to be direct. Either way, you'll get an answer. I trust your intuition and will say she probably would like that.

Even if she doesn't, I've never been a dick to someone who showed interest in me. (unless they were vulgar, married or repulsive for some other reason like being creepy and not taking clear hints and social ques to back off, which doesn't seem the case for you.) In most cases I am polite, flattered, but clear. Hope that helps.

insert the don't let your dreams be creams, just do it! gif haha very Te of me and the other user and I know you have none but could be a good time to develop it. ;)
 

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INTJs typically stalk your social media and try and gather as much info on you as possible if they secretly like you. Also they like directness and just by the way you type I can tell you’re too roundabout, get to the point with her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Thank you Rihanna and ENTJudgement.

"haha very Te of me and the other user and I know you have none "

😂😂😂I have to admit the practical, solution based posts that have followed have made me laugh (so damn typical) more for keeping with type. I was hoping for some insight to INTJ's processing/dealing with liking another and a few you have mentioned it's a rare occurrence. I think I'm pathetically hoping I'm in her background somewhere.

But you all have a point-be proactive🤙
 

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Agree with those who say to reach out - find her on social media and just send her a message - "hey, came across your profile here, miss seeing you at "x event" would be great to catch up sometime!" and see how she responds. Then, if she is receptive, quite beating around the bush because trust me, as a female INTJ, I automatically assume any guy I'm interested in probably isn't interested in me unless he is a bit overt about it. Even reaching out I figure is them just being friendly (or desperate to get laid, which is a complete turn off for me) - there's very seldom an in between in my world.

We aren't typically the type of women guys "romantically like" and add in our own lacking abilities at understanding flirting and such, and it's a bad combination that generally has (at least me) assuming I'm "just a friend."
 

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If an INTJ is interested in you, we just make it know we are interested in you...

I speak for myself, but I have a rather good talent of reading people, ever seen The Matrix? I slowly getting better to just feel anomalies in body languages.

Even I, as pseudo-INFP, know how to play out those de-centralized guerrilla attacks, in order to get just "that" attention. For starters, the tone of your voice, and choose of subject can make quite an impact.

Edit: Remember: INTJ use T over F, whatever I do, it always have a nuance of logic to it. Even if the topic is to end world starvation in an instant, it always have that subtle brute force-logic, such as " who makes the meat-droids in the 1st world work in order to pay this $55 trillion 'world hunger free'-bill?... "

I do like people who are confident in what they wanna do? Not just " Let's go eat lunch at this place... " but it is the whole ethos of being confident, it is a topic of itself.

Let me refine that: If an INTJ is interested in you, we just make it know we are interested in you..., unless you are too dumb to react on our discrete and very carefully planted baits, which means, you are simply just not worthy... Because if you were worthy, you would have picked up on these signals and just challenged me! :D
 

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😂😂😂I have to admit the practical, solution based posts that have followed have made me laugh (so damn typical) more for keeping with type. I was hoping for some insight to INTJ's processing/dealing with liking another and a few you have mentioned it's a rare occurrence.
I’d be concerned you’d make too many assumptions about her based on this. It is a misuse of typing.

From the caveat about contact info, I’m revising the options. You could let a sympathetic, mutual friend know you are interested in her, and ask if they’ll forward the message that you would like to exchange contact info and regretfully missed the chance when you last were together. A bit “high school,” I know, but considering the context it might be a good way to indicate your intentions, discover if she’s interested, and have the possibility to get in contact, all at once.

Otherwise, it sounds like you might need to be patient and wait until you have an opportunity to see her again at a gathering, then ask directly if she’d like to stay in touch/go out.

Personally, I dislike social media searching and/or stalking. :sick: Something about it feels too invasive. Then again, I am a bit “old.” Apparently, other people would be cool with it, so… do whatever makes the most sense to you.
 
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