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Discussion Starter #1
Does anyone else feel attracted to lonely [folks of the opposite sex (or same sex, if that's what you're into)]? I feel like I'm very attracted to women who have a darkness, a sadness, a loneliness to them. And women who haven't had a lot of friends or lovers in their life. I'm extremely jealous and possessive a person. And when I meet someone who's more "socially successful" than me (which is pretty much everyone) I start to feel a wall between that person and me. I feel like I can't understand that person, and that they won't understand me.

It's a point of unhealthiness for me. I feel like I can't be attracted to happy women, women who have had a lot of friends or lovers in their life. I start to feel envious and jealous. I'm so extremely jealous and possessive. When I have feelings for somebody, just seeing that person show love or appreciation towards somebody who's not me, I start to feel unappreciated and unloved.

Can anyone relate?
 

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I'm not a Enneagram 4, but I can relate... :)
I have Enneagram 4 in my tritype anyways.

I was always very scared to date someone who seemed happier, more social and all that. It was like "Why would someone that great love someone like me, who is that bad?".
And I also liked the way someone lonely and dark would focus much more on me.

The secret sauce is that relationships like that usually tend to fail. If two people focus that heavily on each other, they are either going to bore each other to death or they are going to fight more and more. Actually it's pretty normal and healthy when the relationship is less of a focus after some time. It gets to be more like a safe house. At least that's what I learned! I was very scared of this, but it's actually nice. It's also like "I'm so bad, so when my partner sees and focusing on other things, he will notice how bad/boring/empty I really am.".

Now, if you feel a lot of darkness and loneliness in yourself it's also just natural to be attracted to someone who feels the same.
 

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yeah, me too. because i think there must be a reason that they prefer being alone. they are probably people who doesn't fit the society's requirements, so that's making them interesting, a more deeper world, a more different and various thoughts. people who lived through somethings, they are being more open-minded generally and have understanding about the world around them. and i guess we need a bit of sadness and loneliness within us, for surviving in this world, because of awareness. this world is not a good place at all.. those hidden injuries expresses a lot about person as well, it's not like i'm attracted to the pain and want them suffer. it's more kind of a like, a symbol of how strong they were, their scars, their pain was meant something for them that many people didn't even know about, it's so beautiful because all the things that they carry made them who they are. understanding each other means more, feels more intense.. making them happy means a lot.. connecting with pain is more strong than connecting with happiness i suppose. i don't think this is a healthy way of connection now because it can make you blind your compatibility with people too; in future i would prefer spending my life with people who are bit more social, open and optimistic than me, i feel more comfortable around them.. yet who can deny the attractiveness of this deeper, intense connection either? i have a drive that i want to learn more about them.
 

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I hope this isn't too personal, but..... is there a situation where the other being so lonely, that you might present in some way their best option? Meaning, when someone else has so few options that it would provide you a more secure (or less vulnerable) position to being in a relationship? Upper hand stuff..... so they would be less likely to leave you suffering what you fear most?
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I hope this isn't too personal, but..... is there a situation where the other being so lonely, that you might present in some way their best option? Meaning, when someone else has so few options that it would provide you a more secure (or less vulnerable) position to being in a relationship? Upper hand stuff..... so they would be less likely to leave you suffering what you fear most?
It's not really a particular situation I'm going through. I've never really met anyone like that. Certainly not someone who I have feelings for. It's more like an idealized dream. Like I'm dreaming of finding someone like that. There's just something very beautiful and mysterious and attractive to me about lone wolf girls. Perhaps because I see myself in them. So it becomes a relatable thing, like we can build rapport and connection that way, and be better able to understand and relate to each other. There's also the notion that I would feel more special and that the jealousy wouldn't exist in these kinds of relationships. Though I'm not sure how realistic that notion is.

It certainly would work as a positive in terms of building rapport and connection, I think. But if they're desperate because they feel like they can't do better than me.. Well, that's not something I desire. Because, like the jealousy aspect, that would make me feel un-special.

But yeah, even though I don't want someone who's gonna 'settle' for me, perhaps on a subconscious level, it might work the way you describe. But the short answer is that I don't know how it would work exactly, as I haven't really met anyone like that.

When you have so many feelings, of jealousy, hurt feelings, etc. it can be hard to know when to trust yourself. Should I geniunely feel rejected right now or am I just being crazy and oversensitive? That sort of thing.

Perhaps I've just been unlucky, with the women I've had feelings for in the past. Maybe (just maybe) the problem wasn't that they were too social but that they just liked [the people I saw them with] more than they liked me.
Maybe I just need a girl who's really gonna like me and be a good match. Not necessarily a lone wolf girl who, like me, has never had any lovin'.
 

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Does anyone else feel attracted to lonely [folks of the opposite sex (or same sex, if that's what you're into)]? I feel like I'm very attracted to women who have a darkness, a sadness, a loneliness to them. And women who haven't had a lot of friends or lovers in their life. I'm extremely jealous and possessive a person. And when I meet someone who's more "socially successful" than me (which is pretty much everyone) I start to feel a wall between that person and me. I feel like I can't understand that person, and that they won't understand me.

It's a point of unhealthiness for me. I feel like I can't be attracted to happy women, women who have had a lot of friends or lovers in their life. I start to feel envious and jealous. I'm so extremely jealous and possessive. When I have feelings for somebody, just seeing that person show love or appreciation towards somebody who's not me, I start to feel unappreciated and unloved.

Can anyone relate?
No, but I'm not a 4. It seems reasonable to me that you attract (and are therefore attracted to) someone at your own basic level of emotional maturity. Perhaps if you worked on developing your emotional maturity some, this would change too?
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Well, I was attempting to get at the 'why', the psychological nudity in a way. wanting the mirror, It's hard to see these things, esp through the internet. Thanks for responding.
I guess the why is that they remind me of myself. So I feel I can relate to them and understand them more. Also, the jealous and possessive feelings (and feeling rejected and neglected and passed over, etc.) wouldn't be there (at least that's the hope, I think. But in practice, these feelings would probably come up anyway).
 

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Discussion Starter #10
No, but I'm not a 4. It seems reasonable to me that you attract (and are therefore attracted to) someone at your own basic level of emotional maturity. Perhaps if you worked on developing your emotional maturity some, this would change too?
I don't actually attract them into my life. It's more that I dream of finding someone like that.
Sometimes I think the Gods above doesn't want me to have someone like that. I often think that the Gods keep throwing these social butterfly women my way to try and get me to grow. But I don't know. Most of the population would qualify, so maybe it's just a coincidence. Regardless, it's very deep seated inside of me, so it's hard to grow out of it. At least when it comes to people and relations, melancholia and loneliness seems to be my natural state of being.
 

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Beer Guardian
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I don't actually attract them into my life. It's more that I dream of finding someone like that.
Sometimes I think the Gods above doesn't want me to have someone like that. I often think that the Gods keep throwing these social butterfly women my way to try and get me to grow. But I don't know. Most of the population would qualify, so maybe it's just a coincidence. Regardless, it's very deep seated inside of me, so it's hard to grow out of it. At least when it comes to people and relations, melancholia and loneliness seems to be my natural state of being.
I think people can help us grow, but the ultimate burden really still falls on us individually. You want to see yourself better in the eyes of others, you have to see yourself better in the mirror first. Therein lies the rub.
 
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