Personality Cafe banner
1 - 20 of 28 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
633 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
It seems I've developed quite a skill at this, put me in a room with a group of people and 9 times out of 10 I'll be left with which ever girl is struggling most with life.

I'm not sure how or why it happens but its happening way too much to just be a coincidence, its also happening more and more often.

Mean while I'm stuck here fighting my own battles because none of my friends are stable enough to help me.

Some examples?
This week I met a girl who within the first hour showed me her heart monitor for stress and in the next hour told me how her friend had killed her self.

Before that a dutch girl on the verge of mental break down after a rough teenage years.

Before that a Swiss girl who's been left scared of men after her ex beat her and possibly raped her.

70% of my friends have been to therapy or used anti dependants in the last year.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,967 Posts
This is why I'd rather be thought of as a jerk to those who don't know me, than to be considered "nice" or "polite". Then the magnet effect for people with problems is tempered. The only people who will approach me, then, are the people who have to and /or the people who really want to. If I want to involve myself in their personal life, I ask if that's okay- is it okay for me to ask questions? because I prefer that, instead of someone just opening up to me and dumping it all. If I don't care about a person on a healthier level first, likely all I will remember about them is how stressful it was to interact and I won't have a balanced view of who that person is. There needs to be a mutual sharing of the risk and if that balance is forced prematurely, it just feels wrong to me. If the person doesn't know to show discretion, an immediate red flag goes up in my mind. If our interactions are only ever about whatever it is that I offer for that person, it's too one sided. If whatever they offer aren't things that I even want, again it's too one sided.

Stranger to me or not, just because I want a person to be honest with themselves and with me doesn't mean they need to tell me everything- certainly, not all at once. I've got my problems, too, but if I'm not responding by revealing them likewise then it's a sign that the other person needs to slow down and probably talk about something else, get to know each other on a different level.

INFJ problems.

We can listen a person's mouth off, which makes an appropriate show of discretion by the speaker all the more important.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
538 Posts
I think Delilah is onto something. I can sort of tell that when I'm "open" (for lack of a better word), people feel like they can tell me everything about themselves. Here's just one true scenario:

Hubs introduces me to a friend/customer of his and the guy's wife. Hubs has known this guy for several years, and would say they are pretty tight. I've known them at this point for all of 5 minutes. Hubs goes out of the room to change our baby's diaper, and in the 10 minutes he is gone, I am told no less than 5 (rather shocking), very personal details about them that Hubs was totally clueless about...just like that.

Usually once someone opens up to me that way, they feel very emotionally attached to me, and it makes me uncomfortable. Some men have come on way, way to strong after having a conversation with me that way...interpreting my kindness & openness as being "available" to them.

It also used to happen when I played music, so I stopped doing it for a long time. I have learned a sort of emotional barrier I can wear to prevent this a lot of the time. (Plus my 6'2" husband is a good deterrent ;)) I feel safe to open myself up on stage when he is with me.

So it may not be that you attract the most screwed up people, just that they are reading your sort of emotional magnetism. People will take advantage of the kind-hearted, and in particular, people like us.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
53 Posts
I'm telling you man, its our body language. Its impossible to see ourselves in third person perspective but the ability to attract hurt people must have something to do with our non-verbal cues - our expression, body language, spirit, eyes, everything. It probably radiates concern and legit interest.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,967 Posts
It would probably help that hurt people who approached an INFJ explain in this thread why they did so.

When I make eye contact with someone and adapt my tone of voice and invest my attention into that one person, yeah, I'm sure there's a chance that as a total stranger I just acknowledged them in a way that they haven't been acknowledged- for who knows how long. It's possible that people who have known them their whole life never looked at the person that way. It's a simple gesture to show attention and interest (genuine or not), but not everyone does that.

I would agree it's fairly easy to tell when someone is showing consideration of others around them, and I don't mean overtly. It's subtle, and yet it's obvious in the body language probably on an instinctive level.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
606 Posts
Everyone has some fucked up story to tell. Nobody is "normal". Maybe they just feel more able to communicate those things with you? I find that people often open up to me too, because I act interested. And largely I am. I think it's fascinating to get the story of peoples lives.
If I had a nickel for every person who told me they feel comfortable with me and can open up to me... It would be LITERALLY every person I've ever been on a date with. I wish I was even slightly overexaggerrating.


And if I then had another nickel for how these same people later told me they were so broken they had "nothing to give to me."


We will always be magnets for people who are broken and in pain. We are soothing people. We are deeply empathic. We want to help. But sometimes, to keep your best interests at heart, you need to learn where your shields are and screen these people out and look for less broken people.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
633 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
We will always be magnets for people who are broken and in pain. We are soothing people. We are deeply empathic. We want to help. But sometimes, to keep your best interests at heart, you need to learn where your shields are and screen these people out and look for less broken people.
I really need to learn to protect myself from them, its getting to the point where its too much to handle. My best friend tries to help me but she's too weak, I have to filter what I tell her.

I'm now living in a foreign city, the friend that invited me here got scared and is literally terrified when she sees me. Even though I've done nothing wrong I can't help but blame myself when I see her like this.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,980 Posts
I agree with the person who said nobody is normal. For some reason, people just find it really easy to talk to me about their problems, because (at least I think this is the reason) I act interested in them. I actually am interested in them too, I like hearing about other people's stories. I also enjoy comforting people, so I kind of enjoy hurt people. I think they are far more interesting than someone who tries to keep their feelings covered up and never tell anyone anything.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,949 Posts
I think it might be the other way around. You aren't a magnet for them; rather, they become a magnet for you. It is the only common variable--each "broken" person is a different personality, so they wouldn't ALL feel the need to talk to you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
784 Posts
I have never experienced this. Where are you meeting these people? I don't really consider myself a "friendly" person when in public. When out and about I don't want anyone bothering me. I don't walk around being an ass, but I mind my own business and I want people to mind theirs. Btw I live in a large city so.... I just consider this attitude a city thing. There wouldn't be enough time on earth for me to listen to the sob story of every freak in this city. They are everywhere, and half the time I suspect they are making shit up to manipulate something out of you. So they can stay faaaaaaar away from me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
114 Posts
It's natural for all of us to give advice and help other people. For some at least. My friends called me the "the love guru" by helping them to see the unseen and they'd ask me anything that became a problem for them. I mean we just tend to attract those people maybe because of what they see from us. The persona or aura. Since it's natural for us to give advice, maybe it's natural for us to show them and let them know that we are here to help. We just have the attitude of a counselor or a protector, I guess.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,873 Posts
It seems I've developed quite a skill at this, put me in a room with a group of people and 9 times out of 10 I'll be left with which ever girl is struggling most with life.

I'm not sure how or why it happens but its happening way too much to just be a coincidence, its also happening more and more often.

Mean while I'm stuck here fighting my own battles because none of my friends are stable enough to help me.

Some examples?
This week I met a girl who within the first hour showed me her heart monitor for stress and in the next hour told me how her friend had killed her self.

Before that a dutch girl on the verge of mental break down after a rough teenage years.

Before that a Swiss girl who's been left scared of men after her ex beat her and possibly raped her.

70% of my friends have been to therapy or used anti dependants in the last year.
You are a rescuer, a kind and compassionate person, and attentive listener. I have had people strike up a comversation whth just saying, Hi1 and one woman in 5 minutes was telling me her quite personal medical problem, then Said, "OMG! Why did I tell you that?" I explained that I am a therapist and somehow just draw things from people, and do not tell tales. . . She then said something like I have to run, nice talking. . .
Don't worry about it, and above all do not take on their problem - say "Have you discussed this with your (parents, spouse, clergy, therapist? ) I'm sorry this hapened to you. . .
It probably will be a lifelong situation, so work on establishing your boundries.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,245 Posts
It is sick I'm tired of attracting people who need help. How much truth is there in that old saying that a person is similar to the people or friends that surround them? Am I that ill? Maybe I'm the wounded one? What do I have to change?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
125 Posts
I would have to say that it is true that all people have problems. But I tend to befriend people who are broken and open up to me. It's kind of annoying, because I give a lot of myself, but at the same time I feel like I live to help others. Maybe I appreciate the honest raw truth in someone's broken state, when someone has put down that front or barrier and can open up and be real. I'm a walking contradiction apparently.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
642 Posts
Actually, when people tell me things, I feel better because I'm not alone in this world. Also, it keeps my problems at bay and someone else's to solve at hand. Once I solve their problem, I can take their lessons and use it for my benefit.
It 'a a win-win situation for me :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
487 Posts
This. This is what hurts so badly. I attract the hurt, the outcaste, and the depressed like I'm some kind of homing beacon. I would absolutely love to help, I want nothing more than to take the pain these people are feeling away. But how can I? I can watch you attempt to fix yourself, sure. But why? I can't do much to help you, and I can't give you my heart because it wasn't whole to start with. Coming to a friend when you really need one is one thing, but using the other person as a crutch is just bringing you both down. Isn't it easier to have everyone around you believe you're a heartless jerk?
 
  • Like
Reactions: Theosophie
1 - 20 of 28 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top