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I've had a really difficult past year. Most of this is due to unhealthy friendships and relationships.

I recently went through a breakup. My ex was mentally ill. He kept saying things like he wanted to end his life and he was very on the edge and didn't want "to be here anymore." I would always try to make him feel better and tell him that he would get through this and that I loved him. But nothing was ever enough to pull him back from those dark clouds. He went MIA a few times on me and I would be worried sick, wondering if he was okay or if he had done the unthinkable. He was always attracted to "dark" things that were kind of depressing.

I tried to be there for him, but hearing someone you love say they want to end their lives all the time really has a way of bringing you down with them. THere were some times when I really needed someone to support me emotionally, but I couldn't get that from him. It wasn't just that he was depressed. He was emotionally unstable and would throw tantrums in stores sometimes if I said I didn't have the money to buy him something. This embarrassed me a lot (I get embarrassed easily anyway, so this type of scenario is like a nightmare come true for me).

Oh, and then there was the time he went lost his shit on me in front of his mum... and SHE acted like it was totally okay/normal. I am someone who doesn't believe in yelling. I feel that it's another form of violence. He kept yelling at me and his mum said we were "having a domestic" -- as though I was somehow engaging in this yelling fit he was having. I kept saying very quietly "Please stop, you're embarrassing me." I felt totally defenseless and he would NOT shut up.

I also had a best friend that was a very mentally unhealthy person. But I am not perfect myself. However, in the end, this relationship really ended up hurting me. She was there for me a lot and I was there for her, but it turns out I was just a burden to her. She didn't really want to be my friend or anyone's friend for that matter. Friendships are kind of like a nuisance to her. I read a post she wrote about me on a message board saying how much she couldn't stand me and the burden of a close friendship. She ended up telling me she didn't want to speak anymore and a few days before that she told me I was like a sister to her and she loved me (as her sister). She has a few different personality disorders, shoplifts... oh, and I found out she tried to strangle a girl when she was around 17 and told her she'd kill her. So that's always nice to find out :shocked:

I seem to continuously attract unhealthy relationships into my life like this that don't last. I want long-lasting friendships/a healthy relationship. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Can any other INFJ's relate?
 

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Your ex-boyfriend sounds as if he could be bipolar, but I'm no expert in diagnoses. Your "friend" sounds like someone you could do without, while your ex needs professional help.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. A lot of people in society are unhealthy, through their behaviour or no fault of their own. Personally, I've usually had healthy people around me and that made me feel awkward or ashamed that I wasn't as healthy as they were, having struggled with anxiety problems for most of my life. So if you're healthy, you're the lucky one.
 

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This is totally off topic but I swear I read through nearly that entire post thinking you were @Ningsta Kitty. Your avatars are very similar and I didn't even bother to check the username. Doh! Silly me.
 

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I've had a really difficult past year. Most of this is due to unhealthy friendships and relationships.

I recently went through a breakup. My ex was mentally ill. He kept saying things like he wanted to end his life and he was very on the edge and didn't want "to be here anymore." I would always try to make him feel better and tell him that he would get through this and that I loved him. But nothing was ever enough to pull him back from those dark clouds. He went MIA a few times on me and I would be worried sick, wondering if he was okay or if he had done the unthinkable. He was always attracted to "dark" things that were kind of depressing.

I tried to be there for him, but hearing someone you love say they want to end their lives all the time really has a way of bringing you down with them. THere were some times when I really needed someone to support me emotionally, but I couldn't get that from him. It wasn't just that he was depressed. He was emotionally unstable and would throw tantrums in stores sometimes if I said I didn't have the money to buy him something. This embarrassed me a lot (I get embarrassed easily anyway, so this type of scenario is like a nightmare come true for me).

Oh, and then there was the time he went lost his shit on me in front of his mum... and SHE acted like it was totally okay/normal. I am someone who doesn't believe in yelling. I feel that it's another form of violence. He kept yelling at me and his mum said we were "having a domestic" -- as though I was somehow engaging in this yelling fit he was having. I kept saying very quietly "Please stop, you're embarrassing me." I felt totally defenseless and he would NOT shut up.

I also had a best friend that was a very mentally unhealthy person. But I am not perfect myself. However, in the end, this relationship really ended up hurting me. She was there for me a lot and I was there for her, but it turns out I was just a burden to her. She didn't really want to be my friend or anyone's friend for that matter. Friendships are kind of like a nuisance to her. I read a post she wrote about me on a message board saying how much she couldn't stand me and the burden of a close friendship. She ended up telling me she didn't want to speak anymore and a few days before that she told me I was like a sister to her and she loved me (as her sister). She has a few different personality disorders, shoplifts... oh, and I found out she tried to strangle a girl when she was around 17 and told her she'd kill her. So that's always nice to find out :shocked:

I seem to continuously attract unhealthy relationships into my life like this that don't last. I want long-lasting friendships/a healthy relationship. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Can any other INFJ's relate?
Get a degree in psychology and start making money with your talents.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
@Aenye It seems like you're being sarcastic and condescending which is unnecessary. This topic is something that really upsets me. I was never analyzing either one of them. My ex friend told me she had two personality disorders. My ex was making suicidal gestures all the time. I even stated I'm not perfect myself.
 
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I avoid broken people. I learned this lesson as a teenager. They will drag you down with them. You don't get to choose your family. But you do get to choose the people you associate yourself with. It's one thing if you friend goes through a rough period and you stay loyal. It's your own mistake if you choose people who can't pull their act together. Better to be alone than dragged down.

I think it's time you learn to be more selective. Your friends and boyfriends are supposed to make up large chunks of your support system. Make sure they're strong enough to be that for you.
 

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@Aenye It seems like you're being sarcastic and condescending which is unnecessary. This topic is something that really upsets me. I was never analyzing either one of them. My ex friend told me she had two personality disorders. My ex was making suicidal gestures all the time. I even stated I'm not perfect myself.
hehe, I was serious, but didn't I manage to cheer you up; not even a bit?! :dry:

ot:
I've had few 'serious' suitors: 2 were sexual maniacs, 1 was suicidal depressed lazy *ss, 1 was the very embodiment of depression. And that's not even the beginning of it. I attract maniacs too almost wherever I appear.

What I've learned is to be very cautious and take my time when getting to know people and how to recognize them more or less. Depressive facebook statuses, aggressive temper, mood swings, depressive vibes, to name a few red-light signals. There are also certain places not to go to, where those people tend to gather more than in other.

Perhaps there's something about yourself that makes it worse. You have to discover what it is and 'fix' it.
In my case I was normal, cautious, taking it slow, but needed to put up more of a firm but non-hostile distance.

But I am also fairly sure that far more people have personality disorders/ issues, than we are led to believe.


 

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Projected 25% of the US population has a mental illness RIGHT NOW, and 50% will have one sometime in their lifetime. Kinda scary.

I've run into my fair share of "crazies", too...I think the actual running into is chance, though how you treat them afterward may make them stick around or make them hard to deal with. For me I used to always give them too many chances, as well as take what they said and did personally.

I believe in personal responsibility, even for people with mental health problems. I've also run into plenty of "mentally ill" who are joys to know and do their best to keep their problems from burdening others (and succeed at that). There's a lesson in that...and I think holding these people to the same standards of civility that you hold everyone else to is key. There is no excuse for abusing another person. None.

You can't change the person or their illness, but you can demand respect...or tell them to take a hike.

I hope you find good people to fill your life with, "ill" or otherwise. :happy:
 

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I seem to have this too. Now, the relationships themselves with these people are not unhealthy; they're actually some of my best. But.. many of my friends seem to have some kind of anxiety or emotional disorder. I don't know if it's because we can relate to one another or if they're drawn to me because I'm understanding and will listen, but yeah. Hm, maybe I seek out people who aren't "normal" and I don't even realize it. It's probably some combo of that and them being attracted to me.

Even my boyfriend, (who is much better these days), was (probably mildly) depressed when we started dating. He's told me before that I had saved him. I think that's a huge exaggeration, but apparently people do like to come to me for help.

I guess none of the people in my life have problems serious enough that they'd hurt our relationship. They're pretty minor compared to what you had to deal with, so I'm sorry about that. I can't really relate to your problem of not finding a healthy relationship... I think maybe it would be good for you to somehow find a relationship where you're giving and receiving the same amount. Because it sounds to me that you gave so much in those other relationships. I know it's hard to know someone with problems and not do anything to help, but those people probably need to get help professionally before they can have a healthy relationship with someone else. Otherwise, a huge burden can be put on you and can drag you down too.
 

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This is totally off topic but I swear I read through nearly that entire post thinking you were @Ningsta Kitty. Your avatars are very similar and I didn't even bother to check the username. Doh! Silly me.

LOL!! My avatar has been stolen!!! :shocked:
 
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@Aenye It seems like you're being sarcastic and condescending which is unnecessary. This topic is something that really upsets me. I was never analyzing either one of them. My ex friend told me she had two personality disorders. My ex was making suicidal gestures all the time. I even stated I'm not perfect myself.
My take: @Aenye is a troll on multiple levels and she feeds on others' energy. She's looking to feed on you. This could be good practice. If you have barriers, make sure they're up in relation to this individual.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Well, they seemed like nice people in the beginning. I still think they are nice people, but not capable of having healthy relationships. "In the first place," many people can seem attractive. It's the stuff that unravels once you get to know them that sometimes make a relationship or a friendship not work out.
 

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I think I can understand you well. I, too happen to be kind of attracted to how-to-say people with mildly depressions or mental problems.

Actually, it makes me feel I want to help them, and when they are nice people, I enjoy getting to know them. This doesn't need to happen conscious, many of my friends I found out later suffered from severe personal problems I didn't know beforehand.

Why I write this is I, too, broke up with my ex a little while ago. While they were not suicidal, they had serious depressions and "drama" attacks, making a fuss over how I happened to hurt them or be bad tempered, driving me into guilt.
In the first place he seemed nice and intelligent, but I couldn't get away after he turned out "massively" neurotic, since he was playing the "I'm so helpless" card all the time, making me the bad one.
And though I helped them overcoming their depression, I felt I had to get away, though I was stuck in my fear the depression might come back after I left, which would have meant I couldn't help them a penny.

It was extremely unhealthy, though my ex would always see the relationship as healthy (INFP thingy?). In the end it turned out draining me a lot and I had to spent a massive amount of energy getting out of it.

Though, I always tell myself, the next won't be another mentally ill one, it kind of bounces back to me when I try to run from it. I have my own share, sure, maybe that's why? Maybe I'm being the healthiest surrounded by people who are less healthy than me?

Then again, I had this attraction thing my whole life. I think I should be careful, though.
 
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My take: @Aenye is a troll on multiple levels and she feeds on others' energy. She's looking to feed on you. This could be good practice. If you have barriers, make sure they're up in relation to this individual.

Leoni has gotten the point of my posts - the mystery is why haven't you.

Better yet if she has her barriers up in relation to the suicidal/homicidal individuals in her life.
 

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To a point yes, however over time attracting people with a broken wing began to happen less the more self awareness I gained and the more self acceptance I knew from within, rather than seeking it from without on some level as the 'supportive therapist'. Much of what changed was the extent of support I felt it necessary to offer in compassion or empathy, discovering that many seem content knowing somebody has seen or experienced what they are going through, also how little mutual benefit occurs from becoming responsible for others mercurial states or persistent life issues they refuse to truly overcome themselves (however if a depression or truly unpredictable event happens I try never to discard people, knowing firsthand how this can make an issue worse at times).
 
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