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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Is it an INFP thing to not be attracted to like 95% of the opposite (or same, if gay) sex? I don't mean physically; I find plenty of guys aesthetically appealing but either never ever talk to them, or if something happens that we actually do talk, the attraction goes away and I feel no "draw".

I've been single, more or less, for about three years. I had a short stint of casual dating to see if that'd do much. That was an absolute nightmare.

Then I thought I fell in love with a guy I worked with. That feeling actually lasted a few months, but then it just went away. Completely.

Then the other day, my best friend (ESFP, if anyone is interested) and I hung out with a very cool guy I've known (who I'd truly guess to be INFP) for many years, but don't see often at all. My friend could kind of see we were on the same wavelength and all, and then later when her and I were alone, she asked, "Are you attracted to him?" And he's great and everything, but I'm not for some reason. So I told her no. And she goes, "Are you EVER attracted to ANYONE?"

And she's right. I feel feel like I'm not, beyond the initial physical attraction. I think it's just... I feel like there's this SUPER IDEAL person somewhere that I can't settle for anything less, even if casually or for a short time. And when I tell myself, "you're being silly", "just date", or whatever, it's an absolute miserable time.

Then my other friend has a crush on a new person every month it seems. She longs to be like me, liking only one person every 20 years. But I long to be like her.

So..... is there something wrong with me?! Is this something any of you guys experience? And if you have experienced this, but found someone finally, I'd love to hear about that too.

Thanks!
 

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There is nothing wrong with you. I have the same issue. Women can be gushing over a guy and I find him repulsive. I get attracted about once ever 5 years more or less. Then it is usually not to serious. To be honest there are very few worth being attracted to from my point of view. They have to be super special before they get much attention from me. I too find a lot of them physically good to look at but that is the extent of my attraction. They have to have the personality and good heart. So you are normal.
 

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I want to note that I always say that too, 'aesthetically appealing'. It's a more apt description of how I feel, a refined 'oooh, pretty...'.

This is completely normal with us. I am set on one person, have been for years.
 

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GemofGreen, just because you aren't attracted to most people doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. Inside you is a pattern of characteristics that you hope for, a desired pattern that you've developed for many years...and it is a pattern that is a part of you that is meant to be symmetrically enjoined from the other person to the pattern of who you are, and when you are meeting males, and you read that there is an incongruent characteristic, it signals the loss of attraction inside. The attraction of your heart is the drawing force built into you to draw your inner pattern together with the pattern of another, and you are an idealist...you desire everything to fit just like your heart imagines, right?

There could be an issue involved, though. If there are irrational reasons for losing attraction, that is, misreading the other person because of certain fears you have, then that could be a problem. For instance, if you have a lot of serious issues with trusting guys (or people), you may quickly read someone as being untrustworthy or inauthentic when perhaps it is not the case. If there is some sort of blockade in your psyche that tries to protect you by turning off your attraction, that isn't good if it's operating too strongly or oversensitively. Or another thing to consider is if there are certain facets of your idealized pattern that could stand for revision or compromise.

Honestly, I'm very idealistic about my desired mate. Sometimes it bothers me, because it leads me to just notice problems too often. If my mind gets into the habit of looking out for the problems and incompatabilities when I'm meeting females, that'll just sabotage me for the rest of my life. So I am working on taming that tendency by turning my mind to notice an attractive quality immediately after noticing a negative one. If the negative quality I notice is a real major one, then I am satisfied to let the attraction fade away.

It's better to be very selective than to be a settler.
 

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Actually, I have the opposite problem. I love WAY too easily, quickly, and intensely and I can forgive ANY flaw.
 
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Ugh, I thought something was wrong with me in that respect as well. :/ It takes A LOT for me to really fall for someone... I have no problem finding guys (hell, even a few girls) attractive on a physical level... I have even had fleeting 'crushes' but never lasts... That said, I didn't have my first boyfriend till I was 16 going on 17. :S I've only had two real boyfriends in my life.

I just don't understand casual dating, or relationships... I don't understand why so many people settle for dating the next person that flirts with them even if they don't like that person at all... It doesn't make sense and then they end up cheating on each other and what not... No thanks. I'd rather be with someone I REALLY like a lot... Even if it'll take a while to find him. :frustrating:
 

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I don't fall for people easily, because I only like someone after I get to know them. It's not that I don't like people, but that I don't like them romantically. Flaws and imperfection are not the problem. For my own self, I have to get to know them before I feel an attachment; they have to have pierced through my personal bubble, because otherwise I feel detached from them. I generally feel detached from people, until they enter my own psychological space. I have a theory this might be due to Fi (as opposed to how Fe might operate). Fe might give the same amount of 'caring' to those they don't know and those they do know (related to how sometimes Fe-doms don't understand boundaries) and with Fi, we might be jovial and respectful to the average acquaintance, but there's a difference as to how we interact with those we don't know, and those we do. The warmness and kindness compounds when we attach to people. Well, it does for me. I am a different person around people I like :blushed:

Anyway, essentially what i'm saying is that there's a bubble someone has to pierce through in order for me to become more personable and attached to a person, and therefore find them a romantic interest. It's friends first -always- for me. I see romance as keen friendship anyway (but that's just me). I can usually tell when someones made it through the personable bubble, because my view of them is much more stable and accurate (it's not all good or bad, not idealised, but I have an appreciation and acceptance of their quirks, flaws and strengths). So the attraction comes not only from the person, but from what relationship has developed. Generally the person's character influences how quickly I take down my walls and boundaries. I need to trust them, and -know- them.

I find that "quick love" limerence to be bull, and hollow :\
 

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I never really found myself attracted to anyone until I was almost 20. I didn't date until then, either! I've only ever been in one relationship ever (ever XD), which is the one I am in now.

So don't feel weird. Most people just aren't that attractive to you, so what? It's probably way worse to have the much more common problem of being attracted to practically anyone and constantly finding they fall short of your expectations. I'll admit it does suck a lot to be the only single person you know, though, even when you don't want to date at all. Everyone else seems completely crazy... in fact, they still do :crazy: I'll never understand people who base their entire lives around being in a relationship.

Anyway, don't settle. I thought about dating people I wasn't that attracted to just to have the experience, but it really isn't worth it from what I've heard. Eventually someone will come along who you just can't get enough of, even if it feels like it will never happen, or it takes years... it will happen!
 

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I don't fall for people easily, because I only like someone after I get to know them. It's not that I don't like people, but that I don't like them romantically. Flaws and imperfection are not the problem. For my own self, I have to get to know them before I feel an attachment; they have to have pierced through my personal bubble, because otherwise I feel detached from them. I generally feel detached from people, until they enter my own psychological space. I have a theory this might be due to Fi (as opposed to how Fe might operate). Fe might give the same amount of 'caring' to those they don't know and those they do know (related to how sometimes Fe-doms don't understand boundaries) and with Fi, we might be jovial and respectful to the average acquaintance, but there's a difference as to how we interact with those we don't know, and those we do. The warmness and kindness compounds when we attach to people. Well, it does for me. I am a different person around people I like :blushed:

Anyway, essentially what i'm saying is that there's a bubble someone has to pierce through in order for me to become more personable and attached to a person, and therefore find them a romantic interest. It's friends first -always- for me. I see romance as keen friendship anyway (but that's just me). I can usually tell when someones made it through the personable bubble, because my view of them is much more stable and accurate (it's not all good or bad, not idealised, but I have an appreciation and acceptance of their quirks, flaws and strengths). So the attraction comes not only from the person, but from what relationship has developed. Generally the person's character influences how quickly I take down my walls and boundaries. I need to trust them, and -know- them.

I find that "quick love" limerence to be bull, and hollow :\

true dat.
btw you're really articulate :wink:
 

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u remind me of a story long time ago at dorm. i was looking at the times magazine or nat geo magazine and there was an pashtun/afghani girl (roughly 11 -13 yr) with green eyes.

i ask a guy friend of mine "sher is beautiful, isn't it?!"
and he is like "look [mr.Kedi], im not a pedophile, i won't think a 12 yrs old is beautiful"
and i was like :shocked: :confused: it doesn't have to that type (sexual) attraction

but i guess a lot of ppl out there tend to associate beautiful with sexual attraction...
 

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I have fallen HARD for about 3 people in my life.. but none of them have ever shared the feelings (as far as i know.. never told any of em). I'm still not over the most recent.. If love exists, I surely feel it for her. I guess I'm doubting it because we aren't in a loving relationship.

But in general, i'm never really interested in girls that are attracted to me. if i am, it's WAY too much. at school it's really hard for me to meet girls at parties and then do things with them, knowing that it probably means nothing to them (sounds weird from a guy's perspective lol). i'm terrible at pursuing relationships.. the girl pretty much has to do all the work to get me.

i guess i do have an idealistic girl i'm looking for.. really there are only a few personality traits that are must haves. I've found that when going with MBTI, i am most attracted to are ENFP, ENTP, ISFP, ENFJ especially ENPs.
 

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I've only been attracted to one person so far and when the infatuation ended, I realized it made no sense to begin with. As a result, I haven't started dating yet...


Nova summed up my thoughts pretty well:

I don't fall for people easily, because I only like someone after I get to know them. It's not that I don't like people, but that I don't like them romantically. Flaws and imperfection are not the problem. For my own self, I have to get to know them before I feel an attachment; they have to have pierced through my personal bubble, because otherwise I feel detached from them. I generally feel detached from people, until they enter my own psychological space. I have a theory this might be due to Fi (as opposed to how Fe might operate). Fe might give the same amount of 'caring' to those they don't know and those they do know (related to how sometimes Fe-doms don't understand boundaries) and with Fi, we might be jovial and respectful to the average acquaintance, but there's a difference as to how we interact with those we don't know, and those we do. The warmness and kindness compounds when we attach to people. Well, it does for me. I am a different person around people I like :blushed:

Anyway, essentially what i'm saying is that there's a bubble someone has to pierce through in order for me to become more personable and attached to a person, and therefore find them a romantic interest. It's friends first -always- for me. I see romance as keen friendship anyway (but that's just me). I can usually tell when someones made it through the personable bubble, because my view of them is much more stable and accurate (it's not all good or bad, not idealised, but I have an appreciation and acceptance of their quirks, flaws and strengths). So the attraction comes not only from the person, but from what relationship has developed. Generally the person's character influences how quickly I take down my walls and boundaries. I need to trust them, and -know- them.

I find that "quick love" limerence to be bull, and hollow :\
That's what I thought before actually experiencing it and now I realize there's something that needs to be added to that statement: Infatuation is annoying!! It messes with perspective and alters behavior. Neither for the better! Well, now I know and can do something about it next time...
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Thanks all. I know nothing is actually wrong with me, haha. I have a way of communicating in that I can be quite sarcastic and/or self-deprecating, and it doesn't come off in type as well as in speaking.

I appreciate all of yours answers. This in particular is something I do:
...Honestly, I'm very idealistic about my desired mate. Sometimes it bothers me, because it leads me to just notice problems too often. If my mind gets into the habit of looking out for the problems and incompatabilities when I'm meeting females, that'll just sabotage me for the rest of my life. So I am working on taming that tendency by turning my mind to notice an attractive quality immediately after noticing a negative one. If the negative quality I notice is a real major one, then I am satisfied to let the attraction fade away.
But again, I HAVE felt strong feelings before (see below) and I am almost instantly emotionally and mentally attracted to those that I've really felt something for. So, I feel like if we're getting to know each other and I'm thinking of his negativities more often than not (even if they aren't that big), I would consider it to be settling if I... well, settled for that.

I don't fall for people easily, because I only like someone after I get to know them. It's not that I don't like people, but that I don't like them romantically. Flaws and imperfection are not the problem. For my own self, I have to get to know them before I feel an attachment; they have to have pierced through my personal bubble, because otherwise I feel detached from them...

...Generally the person's character influences how quickly I take down my walls and boundaries. I need to trust them, and -know- them.
It's a definite thing for me too, to have to know them before I feel romantically involved. With the last sentence I quoted, I feel that some peoples' characters influence me in such a positive and strange way that I can feel like I've known them for a much longer time than I have. (This goes for friends as well as lovers.) In this way, it could appear objectively that I'm quite charmed by a person that I haven't known too long, but something about them, or about how we mesh together, makes me feel I have.

The strong feelings I felt before happened when I was 15. I fell in love and then he moved away and I was crushed for over 5 years. And I just can't say I've ever met anyone so ideal and perfect, because he was. I know this has a lot to do with the incredibly high pedestal I carry around with me.
 

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I can get attracted very deeply, very easily, very sincerely after I've shown the darkest, most sickest parts of me to him and he won't run away as fast as possible :crazy:

No one knows most sides of my dark complex persona, except one person.

Editted: wait, that's love, isn't it.

Anyway whatever, just don't settle.
 

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I find most people unattractive because they would be incompatible with me. On the rare occasion when I do find someone attractive, I become obsessed with that person to the point of doing creepy, insane, stalkerish things.
 
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I agree with what's been said already. don't have much to add though. I find that most ladies are physically attractive. fewer are "my type" of physical look that i'm really attracted to where I'm like "WOW!"....and very, very few I'm attracted to enough to consider date.

when my buddies ask me if I find a girl attractive I use my definition: physically and personality wise. So basically 99% of the time I will say "no" or deny any sort of physical attraction. I've only dated one girl, a lot of my male buddies find that super weird. I used to live at a house where the other 4 guys were womanizers...THAT was interesting. Every girl they'd see they'd try to get on. I just don't get it...
 
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