[Unicorntopia]

In a lot of the INFJ type descriptions it says that we avoid confrontation and many people who read that think we hate it and avoid it at the cost of seeming wussy, not standing up for ourselves, not getting the job done, etc...

I was having a conversation with Btmangan recently that went like this:

Me: I have been in a rather aggressive (not in a violent way) mood lately.

Btmangan: The world needs more aggressive women.

I really get confused when I see all these INFJs talking about us hating confrontation. We're the defenders with a strong desire to see justice and fairness, right. Without confrontation we won't be able to defend anyone.

Me: Thank you, I agree about the confrontation thing. We dislike it because we feel the bad emotions so much but that does not mean we avoid it when it is needed. Our goals are so strong in us that we will confront obstacles as we see fit. People under estimate us but I think we keep it that way on purpose so that people are not on guard around us and that gives us better odds when we take action.

What is your stance on this?

 

[UncertainSomething]

I feel confrontation is usually unnecessary and unproductive but I'm more than happy to engage with it if thats the only way. Conflict is only a problem for INFJs because its not the way we do business it doesn't mean we can't handle it, at least for me thats true.

 

[twinklestars]

I agree that us INFJ'S don't like confrontation but it is more complicated than black and white. I personally just joined this site and I havn't had the chance to actually speak with other's like myself, so I only know what I have read online. Myself, I avoid confrontation, however if I feel like someone has really offended my kids or they have been treated unfairly, I get real outspoken. I have ask myself why I am like this before and that is why I wanted to comment on your post. Unconsciously there were times when I look back on my marriage that I would start a fight, when I didn't feel I was getting enough attention, it is very complicated, and then hate the argument. So what do we do???:::wink:

 

[The Vizier]

I don't like confrontations that serve no purpose other than proving a person is right while another is wrong. To me it is pointless and everyone is entitled to their own opinions. Arguing rarely resolves anything and only alienates both parties. Even if one side wins, depending on how it is won, there is bound to be a certain amount of animosity which the world could use less of anyway. There is no growth, mutual exchange of ideas or compromise in such cases.

On the other hand if it is something that matters; if a goal, mission or task is at stake, then for the greater good I would have to get through the confrontation even though I find it distasteful. But since I'm not doing it for myself or for my ego, then it is a necessary evil that has to be carried out and in such cases I would have the will to do so.

 

[Dalien]

I don't like confrontation at all. It does nothing but hurt in a negative situation. I will try to difuse it the best I can. If that doesn't work, I will stand my ground; even if, that means just walking away.

When someone tries to back me in a corner, my claws come out. I'm not a physical fighter. My claws are my words. Me & my words! They can get me in trouble sometimes! :laughing:

I would rather use my energy in a confrontation that is for the greater good. :happy:

There is something the other personality types need to understand:

Don't underestimate INFJs just because they don't like confrontation, it does not mean that they will not stand behind their beliefs, morals & values.

 

[twinklestars]

That sounds so much like me... I can cut threw someone I love with my words, and it dont happen much and I always feel terrible after they fall out of my mouth.. Especially if someone has hurt my feelings and I go inward... and it just manifests until I explode.... Is this a personality of infj. it must be, I htought I was crazy, lol

 

[vel]

I just tend to avoid conflicts over small things that I find irrelevant. I think I am supposed to appear more emotional, more affected by the small things in life that I don't like. Other people expect me to develop feelings of discontentment more often and when I do voice it also. For example recently I was asked by a guy why I am not angry with this bug with my computer that has been a very annoying problem for past couple of weeks. I told him I see no reason to be mad at the bug. Being drowned by negative emotions will only slow down me trying to find a solution for it, so therefore I cannot feel angry.

But when there is a conflict over something that matters a great deal to me it is lock'n'load time. I think this is where the descriptive adjective of "stubborn" comes in because I just latch on to the issue.

So all in all I think it is just that INFJs try to pick our battles very carefully. This can give impression to others that we don't get angry, don't stand up for anything, and basically avoid conflicts because I think other people are used to having way more smaller conflicts in their lives.

 

[twinklestars]

I have to agree with you, we pick our battles carefully. I think that is one reason I am misunderstood such as a conflict or just letting things go with out discussing them, is, somethings I find are worth it and some are not... Humm glad I see that I am not the only one like this... So many ppl have said I just live in a fantasy world or I take nothing serious enough... but its that I decide what I feel is important enough to argue over..

 

[twinklestars]

I have to agree with you, we pick our battles carefully. I think that is one reason I am misunderstood such as a conflict or just letting things go with out discussing them, is, somethings I find are worth it and some are not... Humm glad I see that I am not the only one like this... So many ppl have said I just live in a fantasy world or I take nothing serious enough... but its that I decide what I feel is important enough to argue over..roud:

 

[Anahata]

I tend to have a completely different issue. Rather than avoiding conflict I find that I can't seem to get the people around me to understand that I'm not interested in being in a conflict with them. I won't be a push over or anything, but I don't feel that conflict really resolves anything. Someone gets bent out of shape over something I said or did or they interpreted me thinking because of my Ni, and then that person starts addressing the issue with me, but when I explain what I meant, or wanted to say... The other person decides that it's more fun to try to argue with me. It's like they're diffusing my efforts to diffuse their anger. I'm not going to criticize a personality type (because that's not cool and I wouldn't want someone to do it to me), but I have an inordinate number of experiences with this happening to me in interactions with ISFJ's in particular. They often accuse me of not caring or being disinterested when I am forcing myself to remain calm in the face of their pointed dissatisfactions and argumentative tone. :frustrating:

 

[twinklestars]

Its funny that you bring that up... That happens to me also, like today in conversation I said to my ex husband- about divorce agreement... the court date has been moved and the house..... he exploded on me... i was trying to say was no issue anymore... but he assumed I was going to say something else..... Maybe, we have problems saying what needs to be said first. I think i do...it gets all broken up and what needs to be said first isnt unti a conflit happens...sometimes i just want to have an entire new make up.... is taht even possible?

 

[natashka]

I don't necessarily mind confrontation, especially with those I care about. If I have been hurt by someone I will eventually confront them about it. Although this tends to happen when I'm near my breaking point and I do not really do it very assertively. I confront them in a way that gives them a way to apologize usually... passive aggressive confrontation is a good way to put it I guess.

99% of the time my confrontations end with both an apology and forgiveness from me. Go figure.

 

[The Proof]

Our goals are so strong in us that we will confront obstacles as we see fit. People under estimate us but I think we keep it that way on purpose so that people are not on guard around us and that gives us better odds when we take action.

What is your stance on this?

yeah I'm secretly waiting for my chance at a military coup to establish a dictatorship and censor everything