Personality Cafe banner
1 - 20 of 25 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,442 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I recently discovered through a mutual friend that an INTJ in my seminar likes me. This has me somewhat bamboozled because he has only ever avoided me and has been quick to end conversations with me. I interpreted his avoiding and ignoring behavior to mean he has nothing but contempt me, but now I hear from his friend that he wants a relationship?! When I have a crush someone, I make time to be around my crush and do things for him.

INTJs, is his behavior common? Do many INTJs avoid their crushes?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
476 Posts
I'm an INTJ and can confirm that this is true. It is especially a problem for me because I happen to have a crush on another INTJ, and he avoids me as well. You can imagine how much progress is made when neither of us makes a move and act like we are completely uninterested instead XD
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,053 Posts
Dear God...this is very true with me. I tend to speak very easily with girls I'm not interested romantically with...but I become quite distant with girls I like. I think it's because I tend to be quite concerned about fumbling socially with my crush since small talk / flirting tends to be my foible...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,987 Posts
Do many INTJs avoid their crushes?
ever heard the expression 'rogue boner'? apparently it's this guy thing . . .:laughing:

doesn't happen to me, naturally, for straight-up physical reasons. but i've had really out-of-left-field type crushes that were like the emo equivalent of exactly that. under those circumstances, yeah; i don't necessarily want to know or be around or be noticed by the person who's triggered it off. i'd be perfectly capable of avoiding them, and actually much happier doing that than i would be interacting with them. it's the sort of thing that's an irritation and an annoyance and although it might have interesting information buried in it about what's going on in my psyche right then, it isn't anything i want to carry forward in the real world.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,255 Posts
INTJs, is his behavior common? Do many INTJs avoid their crushes?
I used to when I was more insecure and couldn't handle my emotions. I had a coworker once whom I had a massive crush on when I was younger. I imagined I was just playing it cool and being nonchalant but my distress in his presence was obvious and it was made worse when he called me out on it.

Now, that I no longer want relationships at all I actually don't care one way or another and am fine to be around a crush because I see the feelings for what they are....something I will not act on and something that will pass. But for what it's worth, this is pretty common behaviour for any insecure person, regardless of type.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,929 Posts
Not a guy but am INTJ and I can confirm this..I often shut down/avoid/am extra aloof towards a crush. My brain just yells "DONT LET THEM KNOW, SHUT IT DOWN!" Which is ridiculous but near automatic.

In the past couple years I have been actively working on NOT doing that lol so I've gotten much better about being more open and friendly toward my crushes but it is something I have to remind and prep myself to do still...it's becoming more natural, but not there yet totally. Now I act more neutral/friend but still probably not getting across "interested" vibes.
 

·
Jaffa Master
Joined
·
7,575 Posts
The situations where I avoid a crush are dependant, I think. If I develop a crush over a distance (we're not friends already) then I tend to avoid them a bit. If I develop a crush on someone I who I always previously just thought of as a friend I'll distance myself a bit. If I'm in the process of getting to know a friend and realize that there is crush potential, I don't avoid them at all and try to get to know them better as its easier because communication has already been established. If I develop a crush on someone who I don't think would be interested or is unavailable, then I avoid them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,376 Posts
I don't know that it has anything to do with being INTJ, but when I have a crush on someone, the truth is I range from avoiding them like the plague to trying to find excuses/reasons to be around them.

I'm beginning to think that crushes are often just interest/attraction that should have been addressed when it started. But instead it festered and became an obsession. Every time I have a crush I go through the same nonsense and ultimately, once the crush has faded away, I realize how insanely I was putting the person on a pedestal. Without that infatuation being returned, it's like eating chocolate that has poison in it - tastes good but it's not helping in the long-run.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
16,000 Posts
I have actually been very guilty of this in my life. It was not only due to fear, but strategy. lol. Really bad fuckin strategy. Here is what I was thinking:

Conventional wisdom says that one should approach a woman they like. That is too simple and plain. Men fawn over women. I wanted to somewhat present myself as a contrast to that. Which would make me different. By ignoring, and even being dismissive of them. Which doesn't actually work. I basically outthink myself out of the game and think I am being clever, by playing a high end game that will be the last one standing when the smoke clears. As something solid can ever come out of the channels that others use. Mine will eventually be recognized as the true path.

I often do not like women to know I like them period. It puts them in an advantageous position over me. And when that information is out there, it opens you up for rejection. If I am captivated by a woman, and she isn't captivated by me, that is like thinking somebody is smart who doesn't respect your intellect. So, a woman with knowledge that I like her, and her not liking me back, is up 1-0 on me. Forever basically. I look at it from a perspective of eternity. The only thing that will be recorded in history is that we met in this crucible of doubt, and she triumphed. I can never make that score up. She won. I don't want to give her that satisfaction/victory.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,255 Posts
Okay I'm a total liar. I just walked into a dept store and almost bowled over a totally hot sales assistant then promptly ran in the other direction. Call me stupid. The hormones still cause me to do silly stuff.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,854 Posts
Tell me about it. Same goes from this side of the fence. I will not be open about my interest in you, if I happen to enjoy your company so much and find myself comfortable in your presence quickly~ be sure that we will be friends five-ever. This is irl. I don't handle rejection well at all, that's why I never really put myself in those positions. And if do, then I must only be thinking of the other~ not myself; it becomes as if it's not at all about me. Be vulnerable.

I also don't play those games. You know, when they drop hints. Play catch. wink. wink. smile. smile. I have no idea what I'm meant to do. It's threatening. How about you come over here, be romantic, and tell me what you feel? I'm not entirely playing 'hard-to-get'. Firstly, I don't know how to play. Secondly, I'd rather not play. This is serious.

When I feel attracted to someone, a lot of the times I walk away. If I can't, then I look away. How is one suppose to handle someone who seems like a perfect human being ~infatuation~? And yes, I don't want to feel like a creeper or desperado. Chill. Is okay. My soul-mate and I will find each-other.
 

·
Registered
INTJ
Joined
·
1,480 Posts
True for me.

I've only ever really liked one person in my life, he was an ISFJ though and to be honest - I have no idea, even now, why I even liked him. But it's not like I have a type... I just like a person all of a sudden, but well, he's the only one that stuck.

Anyways, I did avoid anything love or affection-related with him. We were 'friends' but not really. And he was often shy around me, too. I found out he liked me back after about 2 years. Sometimes I wonder what could've been.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,168 Posts
I also avoid people I have crushes on. But it's different because I have been married for years and have zero interest in forming another relationship. I know I will never act on a crush, and nothing will come of it, so while I still avoid the person, it is more of an entertaining sideshow. Kind of like going to a movie with your favorite actor in it. Or a spy mission, with covert observation, no contact. It's fun.

I have had a couple of heavy duty crushes in my life. I didn't like those, and avoided the person. I never had a crush on the guy I married. I just really liked him, and then really loved him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
167 Posts
I have actually been very guilty of this in my life. It was not only due to fear, but strategy. lol. Really bad fuckin strategy. Here is what I was thinking:

Conventional wisdom says that one should approach a woman they like. That is too simple and plain. Men fawn over women. I wanted to somewhat present myself as a contrast to that. Which would make me different. By ignoring, and even being dismissive of them. Which doesn't actually work. I basically outthink myself out of the game and think I am being clever, by playing a high end game that will be the last one standing when the smoke clears. As something solid can ever come out of the channels that others use. Mine will eventually be recognized as the true path.

I often do not like women to know I like them period. It puts them in an advantageous position over me. And when that information is out there, it opens you up for rejection. If I am captivated by a woman, and she isn't captivated by me, that is like thinking somebody is smart who doesn't respect your intellect. So, a woman with knowledge that I like her, and her not liking me back, is up 1-0 on me. Forever basically. I look at it from a perspective of eternity. The only thing that will be recorded in history is that we met in this crucible of doubt, and she triumphed. I can never make that score up. She won. I don't want to give her that satisfaction/victory.
If you think about it in terms of score keeping, you have already chosen to lose.
What you lose is the possibility for a real, deep connection with another human being.
Just because you decided on the loss does not make you a winner. It puts you in control of something that is not worth controlling or having, it makes you the legitimate owner of your own loss.
 
  • Like
Reactions: EyesOpen

·
Banned
Joined
·
16,000 Posts
If you think about it in terms of score keeping, you have already chosen to lose.
What you lose is the possibility for a real, deep connection with another human being.
Just because you decided on the loss does not make you a winner. It puts you in control of something that is not worth controlling or having, it makes you the legitimate owner of your own loss.
There is no universal ruleset. The only scoreboard that matters is my own. I didn't say I won anyway, I said I didn't lose.

I also "lose" the possibility of a burden/complication on my life.

Who says a relationship is worth having? I could just as easily say that having children is having control over something not worth having. Or self respect is having control over something not worth having.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,987 Posts
If you think about it in terms of score keeping, you have already chosen to lose.
What you lose is the possibility for a real, deep connection with another human being.
Just because you decided on the loss does not make you a winner. It puts you in control of something that is not worth controlling or having, it makes you the legitimate owner of your own loss.
you're pretty preachy for an intp, ain'tcha?

just saying.
 
  • Like
Reactions: srysrrysry

·
Registered
Joined
·
859 Posts
I did this all the time when I was younger. Whenever I meet someone interesting, even now, I go through a mini-obsession phase. As I've gotten older it's less of a romantic/physical infatuation and more a matter of intellectual curiosity. But I try to absorb as much information about them as possible to try to understand what I find so fascinating about them. Unfortunately this typically involves a lot of observation (read: staring). So it can come across as creepy even though it's harmless information gathering.

I think part of my problem has been that I'm horrible at remembering physical features. If I meet someone once, I'll have trouble remembering what they look like. In fact, I just did this Friday when I met a new co-worker. We talked for about 45 minutes, but an hour later I couldn't remember what she looked like. I need to interact with people a lot to really get a good grasp on what they look like. But that takes time, so I end up staring because it's the best way for me to burn their image into my mind (enter the creepy factor).

Plus with the crushes there was always a heavy degree of shyness and insecurity. Spend enough time getting criticized for being yourself, and you start to believe there's nothing worthwhile about you. So you've got this combination of wanting to get closer to someone yet fearing that it would end badly for you. So you walk the unrequited line the best you can and avoid direct contact while observing from afar.
 
1 - 20 of 25 Posts
Top