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I decided not to fill in any questionnaires or forms or whatever as i find that they are too restricting and i'm just too lazy to answer to them. i think reading someone's unguided and free thoughts is far more interesting and gives a better insight into what the person really is like, also cause people try to be pretentious and answer really philosophically to these questions, which makes them sound funny really and it annoys me. So yeah, i'll try to keep this thing pretty unedited and raw and speak about random things that are on my mind :D
I have a staff in my room. I found it when i was breaking the branches that we cut off the trees and it looks exactly like some magician's staff. I keep it in my room. idk what i will use it for, but for now, i'll just leave it here. Maybe one day i will need to do some kind of rain dance or summon some forest fairies or something... Maybe, i can become a wizard. I will take it with me, when I'll go to exams. I'll say that this is my lucky charm :D
My username. that's something what i wanna be. I've always wanted a tiger (okay, that's a lie. I realized i really REALLY want a tiger like a few days ago. But secretly, in my subconscious, i've always longed for one for sure). I think tigers are just so magnificent and beautiful. Everything in nature is so beautiful really. Humans too. people's eyes, jawlines, how people's eyebrow hairs are aligned.. and hands!!! I love guys with beautiful hands. You can do so many things with hands. winkwink I have noticed that piano players hands tend to be kinda knobby and meaty and their knuckles are kinda big. My hands are also like this, maybe cause i started learning the piano from a young age. It's sad really, that i stopped. I'm really stupid for doing that. I could maybe be a world-renowned pianist by now! But no, I'm just stuck with ugly hands. But honestly, I'm even sadder that i didn't start learning the violin instead, maybe then i would have continued with music. imo, violin is the most passionate and emotional and elegant instrument ever. You physically take part in creating sound (by changing the string length). With guitars, it's the same, although you have frets, which makes it easier. I own a wine red acoustic guitar (it's also in my room), i spent so much money on it, i worked all summer, but i only played it for like a month and then stopped. I don't really have that much patience or persistence to learn things from the beginning. I want quick results!I want to become a master guitar virtuoso in a few days and start giving concerts! Obviously, with learning an instrument, that will not happen. I don't know what i was thinking. Anyways, this unused guitar is with me now. Sad really. It would deserve a better owner, someone who would actually play it. I'm really wondering, why did i even choose an acoustic guitar. I mostly listen to songs with electric guitars anyway. Maybe i felt that it's more intimate, more real and authentic.
Speaking of music, i really like metal and hard rock bands. Just listening how they scream their lungs out, the guitar solos, how they bang on the drums... I'm imagining how the crowd goes crazy, how they give everything for their performance... I once read an interview of some guy (i don't remember his name, but it doesn't even matter) and he said, that he used to play his guitar every night at gigs and his fingers were bleeding after concerts. Wow. Amazing. To give everything for a performance, like it is your last one. I think it's so admirable. When I was younger, I used to think that classical music is for sissies, but it can also be so passionate, sometimes even more so than rock or metal. I really was stupid when I was a small kid. You think you understand the world so well, but really, you know nothing. I wonder if i will think back one day to how i am now, and think the same. I probably will.
Honestly though, i sometimes hate my character. I am generally really accepting and don't get angry, but if someone crosses a certain line (idk what where that line is even myself) then oh no no. All hell breaks loose. How can i explain it.. my anger is not very emotional, but i usually calmly say things that i later regret very much. And i start swearing. A lot. And so, I've called my friends a bunch of idiots, my sister "a bitch, that no one likes" and my mom a whore even. Yep. A whore. But honestly, i can see why i said that then, cause she used to bring home a new guy every night after she and my dad divorced. But whatevs, that's in the past now. Maybe that's why she threw me out, cause i was swearing so much. tbh, i think she wouldn't have done that, if i would have begged her and apologized, but i'm not gonna do that. I'm way too proud for something like this and i don't think that my mother is a person that anyone should bow down to. If i think i'm in the right nothing is going to stop me. So i just left. Very calmly. she yelled at me to go, and i just said ok and left. I think i needed that change tho and to get away from that rotten environment. I feel so much better and healthier now and many people are noticing the change. They say that before i was so much quieter and kept to myself, but that now i'm so open and don't care what other people think. i still do care, but less for sure. Honestly, before i was so scared that people would hate my sense of humor cause it can be really random and really offensive and sexual. But now, so many people are loving it and that obv feeds my ego too. I just hope i won't go too overboard and actually offend someone. I don't want anyone to get offended. That's why i also like people who can throw some jokes back at me, not someone who is just like oh... okay. I wanna see some reaction. Overall, i don't like people who are too plain and and seem to have nothing weird or quirky about them, who are desperately trying to be normal. Although, i have found that everyone is weird in some way, if you dig deep enough, but come on! show it to others. It makes you so much more relatable and special.
I wanna go skydiving. So bad. just And travelling with no money and do some random jobs just to get enough money for the next plane ticket. and i want to do so many other different things. Just.. idk why, but i'm so incredibly lazy sometimes. I need to step out of my comfort zone! I made up a challenge for myself to say out whatever comes to my mind (obv not exactly EVERYTHING, but 99% of the time i start fussing over what people will think about me when i'll say that or how should i say it or is this the right moment to say this, i'm trying to get rid of that). So far, I'm doing pretty well. But today, i haven't done anything interesting, which is sad. I just slept and listened to some music. I really should clean my room cause i don't even have room to sleep on my bed soon... But i know i will maybe clean it for 5 mins and then i will do sth else. Sigh... My friend just came in and asked me if i wanna smoke weed. Sure. I guess, we're gonna have a... WEEDKEND! hahahah :D
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