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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Basically I REALLY liked this INTJ, still do, but when I like someone this is what I do: "start freezing up and ignoring the person or obviously acting very weird around them," quoting Vel. then when I think he suspects something, I "Start ignoring with double strength in hopes that they will stop suspecting anything." So when Ive been seeing him in larger groups (social activities) or class, I would totally freeze/ignore him even though I know he saw me and he knows I saw him.

This weekend, I saw him, and I basically defaulted to doing what Vel described above and havent talked to him since then. Today , at work, I was having brunch with another coworker and he was passing by. The coworker said "Hey Jack (name changed)!" really excitedly. INxJ saw us together, said "hi" to my coworker really coldly and asked "Oh you work with curious0610 on another project too?" and was super cold, didn't even say hi to me, though i saw him looking at me, and i made some flimsy attempt to say HI first. At the request of my coworker, he came to join us for a bit. At one point my coworker left to get something and it was just us two. We had a "small-talk" conversation that was really awkward and we were both more quiet than usual.

This was my gut feeling: that we were both having a bad day and felt the need to be careful around the person. that we had both somehow reached out to the other person, but felt it was unreciprocated at different times, so then decided to ignore the feelings for each other with double strength. I feel like at one point, we both had our guards down and was sending out radio signals, but i feel like we're back in our respective forcefields, like two magnets of the same energy repelling each other. How can i mend this through my actions? :unsure:
 

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If the guy is an INTJ just say something along the lines of "I'd like to get to know you more, but you seem to have a guard up, which is logical. I think it would be beneficial if we both let our guards down for the benefit of friendship, which is scientifically proven to enhance life as an experience," Obviously don't say that, but you get what I'm saying, you kind of have to just be frank and spell it out for those hyper logical types.
 

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Based on the information you have provided, it would seem (assuming the INTJ has felt any connection with you) that prior interactions may have suggested to him that there existed a greater closeness between the two of you. Your recent unexpected (though clearly unintentional) coldness probably caused him to begin second-guessing and blaming himself more than anyone else, as when social occasions backfire, we INTJs naturally assume it to be our fault. He probably feels that he overestimated the strength of your feelings toward him (as a friend or otherwise) and that this is why you now seem or are perhaps trying to be colder.

The good news is, is that INTJs are not usually the type to hold grudges for these type of offences. Be direct and warm (to a degree that you know he can handle based on previous interactions) in your next encounter and just reaffirm that you enjoyed previous conversations with him and nonchalantly say you're sorry if you seemed to blow him off last time. I would not recommend giving an emotional reason for this, for that might suggest emotional instability on your part which could scare him off at this stage. Instead offer up that you were distracted by some kind of intellectual concerns (the less emotional and more rational the better), but that you hope for it not to ruin your friendship. Take responsiblity for it, make it come off as light as possible. However this will require you to be able to more congenial, composed, and brave with him and on a consistent basis. I am sure you can patch this up, but more such incidents will suggest a level of volatility that he will become afraid of engaging with.
 

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^^^ Seems like a very reasonable interpretation to me.
 

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Personally I always feel off balance with INTJ's. Connecting is a chore that requires too much second guessing. I admit to admiring their many good qualities but best to deal closely with those that can "feel" you.
 

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When people live in opposition and estrangement they cannot carry out a
great undertaking in common; their points of view diverge too widely. In
such circumstances one should above all not proceed brusquely, for that
would only increase the existing opposition; instead, one should limit oneself
to producing gradual effects in small matters. Here success can still be
expected, because the situation is such that the opposition does not preclude
all agreement.
Focus on finding common ground. Neutral things to talk about like work related stuff. Focus on the task at hand and gradually get used to being around him again. Ask questions and the like and things will return to normal.
 
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