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Discussion Starter #21
@Emancipation

I was puzzling over this quandary myself not so long ago. I remember the day I was bemoaning not having a friend just like me, who was interested in all the same things.....and I realized, "Hey! Me! I have me!" It's true: we're interested in all the same things, and we can talk for hours. We even sleep together, so you might say we're friends with benefits. :happy:
I have a similar relationship with my reflection in the mirror! He's honestly the most beautiful person that I've ever met, inside and out. I'm so glad we found our soulmates! :happy:

The two of us should become friends, expecting each other to be the ideal person we've been looking for, and then end up writing PerC threads about how awfully we disappointed each other. I already have a title in mind: "Are INFJs The Most Likely To Be Self Absorbed Bitchy Friends?" It will be such a saucy discussion!

Look in new places for better friends. I find a lot of laziness today in friendships. People expect for others to do all the work, or for authentic friendships to fall into their laps if they just hang out. It doesn't really work that way. It is not only a two way street, you have to make effort in friendships, or you end up alone or with crappy friends.

I like being alone, and being with awesome friends. I keep the number of friendships down so that I have time to tend to them. But you have to go out there and separate the chaff from the grain. If you have been getting mediocre results, look somewhere else. And remember, if you put in crappy effort, you will get crappy results. IMO
Definitively. A part of why I came back to PerC is to make some new buddies, so I guess I'm already on a good path on actively searching for friends instead of just waiting for them to "fall into my lap." I have the excuse of my geographical location for why I can't easily find good people IRL, but I have no such excuse for why I can't find good people online.

BTW, you'd be proud of how I tried to actively befriend a guy recently. I was the first to initiate us exchanging our phone numbers and stuff (but when I saw he isn't really interested in me I just let it slide away because I ain't desperately chasing aaaaaanyone).
 

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Alone or with people is not important.

What matter is is it good to your plans ?

Can you use them ?
 
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Discussion Starter #23
Alone or with people is not important.

What matter is is it good to your plans ?

Can you use them ?
hmmmm well i do plan to enslave the world, so a few accomplices COULD help..

yes, yes... :devilish: :devilish: excellent!

i think i have it figured out now :laughing:
 

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I don't know how well I can answer this for you personally since you're an extrovert IIRC and I'm an introvert, but in my case I get by pretty well with a mostly solitary life. I try not to be bound by social obligations too much because they take free time away from my hobbies. As a teenager I used to try and make online friends everywhere I went, now I outright avoid it more and more as more time goes by. And I'm pretty okay with it, I rarely feel lonely, but my life has always been pretty solitary so I have no reason to want anything else. I have real life friends who I keep in touch with in Facebook group chats and very very occasionally go out and do things with but I wouldn't say they're especially close friendships.

If you're unhappy with your friendships then you shouldn't force yourself into them. Friendships are a two-way street, you're their friend and they're your friend. If one person is a friend and the other isn't then it's a one-sided relationship and you may as well be talking to a wall. Bear in mind there is always a chance you could be misreading them, but if they do genuinely not care about you then there are better friends out there. As for whether you should bother having friends or fly solo, that's wholly down to you. If you're someone who needs connections to get by, then you shouldn't deprive yourself of that. No-one should be 100% alone either way alone, though. We're social creatures and we need connections in some form or we feel disconnected from the world as a whole, and that leads to all kinds of loneliness and depression.
 
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For a long time now, I've been disappointed with my friends and I started to become increasingly independent/capable of spending time alone. For example, I trained myself to not share certain things with them when I know they won't even bother convincingly feigning interest (though I brought up this issue to them and always give them attention, love and support they need me).

At this point, I'm not sure should I still keep these friendships to satisfy my basic social needs or just completely ditch them until I find new friends (and we all know that forming new friendships is not easy).

So, in essence, I'm asking you this:
Is it better to have at least someone in your life that you can talk to, even if the conversatons are meh, or to be proud and fly solo?
well fun fact, half your friends dont like you anyway.


as for me, i got rid of my old best friend of 10 years about 6-7 months ago and havent looked back, i finally had the "moment" where i realized i was the one putting all the effort into keeping it going, id be the one to come back and resolve issues, try and fix things, and just make things work. bleh, damn 9s. just ignoring things :(

anyway, i went several months with no "friends" to speak of. and im now friends with an intj. its way better. and definitely worth ditching crap friends for real ones.
 

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I prefer to be alone. I get social interaction through pets, social groups, online forums, and friendly chitchat at grocery stores and dog parks.
 

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I prefer to be alone. I get social interaction through pets, social groups, online forums, and friendly chitchat at grocery stores and dog parks.
thank you for this. just something id been super curious about whilst in my "seclusion/reclusive" status these past few years (6 ~ 7 so far) if it was possible there were others exactly like me, we were just content in our own solitude and simply hadn't bumped into one another yet :tongue:
 

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if you can be alone, then be alone
i personally can't so i hang out with a few bad relationships just because i wanna go out and see things, they are not exactly super bad or toxic but they are kinda empty, i was never interested in people tho, more about what was going on in the air
 

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Why should anyone limit themselves to those options in life. Obviously being alone is much better than something that hurts you or regret but come on. Both seem like settling to something of the lowest quality possible.
Why should we even accept the possibility of settling in the first place? That indicates 0 self respect.
Weird af topic.
 

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I just googled Terry A. Davis and I feel like I'm venturing into a new galaxy
I just Alexa'd Terry A. Davis and she said that by the time he died he had a bunch of followers on YouTube. When I asked when he died, she said as far as she knows, he is now 49 years old, as of 6th September 2019.

When I read your post I laughed.
 

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You can do both by investing little in them and staying open to new friendships. It'd be good to dump them only if they're toxic; they might not be actually mean, but if their behavior hurts you then please take care of yourself.
 

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Why should anyone limit themselves to those options in life. Obviously being alone is much better than something that hurts you or regret but come on. Both seem like settling to something of the lowest quality possible.
Why should we even accept the possibility of settling in the first place? That indicates 0 self respect.
Weird af topic.
Obviously? Seriously? The fact that you view this topic as an equation is tragic, and trust me, I should know. Even the most die-hard introvert need solitude, but NO ONE should feel alone, you insensitive prick. EVER. Not everyone views the world in binary, Mr. weird as f
 

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For a long time now, I've been disappointed with my friends and I started to become increasingly independent/capable of spending time alone. For example, I trained myself to not share certain things with them when I know they won't even bother convincingly feigning interest (though I brought up this issue to them and always give them attention, love and support they need me).

At this point, I'm not sure should I still keep these friendships to satisfy my basic social needs or just completely ditch them until I find new friends (and we all know that forming new friendships is not easy).

So, in essence, I'm asking you this:
Is it better to have at least someone in your life that you can talk to, even if the conversatons are meh, or to be proud and fly solo?
Network, my friend. I know from experience that whether a soulmate, or a close friend, it takes time. You need to look. Indeed sir, you've already started. I'm not saying you're going to find your best friend in this form, but you've already started looking for support, and indeed you found it. You're on to a good thing, instinctively :)

Don't settle, cultivate. Be selective. As any green thumb will tell you, there will be some weeding out involved. You have already discovered how much friends that don't return what you give them drain you of what you need in a social perspective. Indeed, in an emotional perspective. I'm not saying that you should just cut them off, summarily. The fact that you haven't given up on them, and continue to show them love and support when they don't return it, speaks a great deal to your character - trust me, it WILL get returned. I know this from experience. Be patient. I recommend cutting your ties with the individuals that suck the life out of you slowly, and sensitively - unlike some of the people in this forum that don't see things in terms of the support that you need right now.

Keep in mind, that which does not beat you makes you stronger. Don't give up, good sir.
 

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Obviously? Seriously? The fact that you view this topic as an equation is tragic, and trust me, I should know. Even the most die-hard introvert need solitude, but NO ONE should feel alone, you insensitive prick. EVER. Not everyone views the world in binary, Mr. weird as f
I dont get how that goes against what I said. My point was exactly that none should be alone so both choice are wrong. And bad friendships can have worse impact in your mentality than being alone.
 

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All throughout middle school and high school I hung out with people that were my friends but weren't really all that great. I've always been pretty scared to be alone for several reasons but I remember senior year came and I just didn't care anymore, which is something that had never happened. I was always too afraid to be by myself but it didn't seem worth it to be with them. I'd still be friendly, but I didn't want to be. Weirdly enough the same day I decided to be alone I made a new friend who I hung out with until university but I feel like, while your friends or my friends might have not been terrible people for being not-so-great friends to us, there are LOADS of people who will be great friends to you. Even if there wasn't, is having shitty friends really the better alternative? I don't think so.
 

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Discussion Starter #39 (Edited)
if you can be alone, then be alone
i personally can't so i hang out with a few bad relationships just because i wanna go out and see things, they are not exactly super bad or toxic but they are kinda empty, i was never interested in people tho, more about what was going on in the air
that's very self aware on your behalf! even tho your friends aren't ideal, you're still in control of the situation. good for you.

You can do both by investing little in them and staying open to new friendships. It'd be good to dump them only if they're toxic; they might not be actually mean, but if their behavior hurts you then please take care of yourself.
Investing little in them in case I need them for anything while looking for better friendships is exactly what I'm doing. I'm not burning any bridges - in case Iwant them back

All throughout middle school and high school I hung out with people that were my friends but weren't really all that great. I've always been pretty scared to be alone for several reasons but I remember senior year came and I just didn't care anymore, which is something that had never happened. I was always too afraid to be by myself but it didn't seem worth it to be with them. I'd still be friendly, but I didn't want to be. Weirdly enough the same day I decided to be alone I made a new friend who I hung out with until university but I feel like, while your friends or my friends might have not been terrible people for being not-so-great friends to us, there are LOADS of people who will be great friends to you. Even if there wasn't, is having shitty friends really the better alternative? I don't think so.
I completely agree with your assesment and am happy with the way that things worked out for you! I think that you can only have good friendships like the one you described when you're not desperate and won't settle for anyone. It's not just about friendship though, a similar thing can hašpen in just about any other human bond like marriage

If you are pressured to get married because everyone else your age is settling down, you can be desperate and go with the first guy who is willing out of fear of dying alone (and therefore settling for a sad life with a loserr). but if you're independent, you have the power of choice and aren't afraid of waiting for someone who will make you happy even if it takes longer and you have to be single in the meantime
 

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Investing little in them in case I need them for anything while looking for better friendships is exactly what I'm doing. I'm not burning any bridges - in case Iwant them back
Hmmmm. I used to think like this. It made me deeply uncomfortable, once I was honest with myself about it. I came to the conclusion that sometimes it is more honest and compassionate to go ahead and burn the bridge. Bridges are infrastructure. They require maintenance. If you keep a bridge in poor repair around just in case you'd like to use it again someday, you're setting both people, as well as anyone else who might be involved, up for a nasty fall.

Am I sad that I couldn't figure out a good way to keep certain relationships afloat? Sure. Am I embarrassed, perhaps even kind of ashamed? Sure.

But people and friendships are living entities, not things which can be kept in a broom closet or storage facility until you have need of them.
 
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