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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've been trying to find a committed relationship for around 7 or 8 months now. I can't seem to make it happen though. The girls who are interested are fine people, good looking, smart, nerdy etc but I'm not attracted for some reason. Then the ONE I really wanted to date dated me for about 2 months but we split up, she didn't seem to ever care about the relationship at all and she was the worst communicator I've ever seen. Just recently got over her.

point is. When I find someone I feel lucky to be with I can't make it stick, when I find someone who is great but I don't care about at all they want to date me.

Previously I've had one 3 year relationship which I ended. Other than that I've been dating casually for years and now I don't know the rules for people who really want something to last.

I guess this is a bit more of a rant than a question. my bad.
 

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People who really want something to last will put in the effort to make things work. They'll take the beginning of the relationship slowly, get to know you on a deeper level, and try to communicate well. They will be willing to compromise. They will be stable, independent and supportive of your interests. Basically, it requires maturity, focus and dedication. You must be that person, and you must also find that person. It's hard to find. I'm still looking as well.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
People who really want something to last will put in the effort to make things work. They'll take the beginning of the relationship slowly, get to know you on a deeper level, and try to communicate well. They will be willing to compromise. They will be stable, independent and supportive of your interests. Basically, it requires maturity, focus and dedication. You must be that person, and you must also find that person. It's hard to find. I'm still looking as well.
I guess the hardest part is finding someone you want to do that for. I've spent so much time making myself an "interesting" person that I don't have much time to offer someone unless I make some pretty real sacrifices so unless I find a very special person chances are I'm not going to put in the effort.
 

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I guess the hardest part is finding someone you want to do that for. I've spent so much time making myself an "interesting" person that I don't have much time to offer someone unless I make some pretty real sacrifices so unless I find a very special person chances are I'm not going to put in the effort.
That's fair. In that case, you should probably make sure that you aren't wasting your time with not-special people. If you don't start relationships just for fun or for sex, and instead wait patiently until you meet the right person, there's a much better chance you'll find them.
 

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No, that's a question. And unfortunately, there isn't really more of an answer than to just be patient and continue to work on yourself, your goals, your dreams while still being open to meeting new women, having your heart perpetually broken.

It's awesome.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
That's fair. In that case, you should probably make sure that you aren't wasting your time with not-special people. If you don't start relationships just for fun or for sex, and instead wait patiently until you meet the right person, there's a much better chance you'll find them.
Yeah that's the conclusion I've come to as well. How does that work for women? I imagine waiting for something like that would be even harder...
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
No, that's a question. And unfortunately, there isn't really more of an answer than to just be patient and continue to work on yourself, your goals, your dreams while still being open to meeting new women, having your heart perpetually broken.

It's awesome.
I wouldn't say perpetually broken...its only happened to me twice in my whole life, both times I was lied to.

I'm a slytherin too btw.
 

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I wouldn't say perpetually broken...its only happened to me twice in my whole life, both times I was lied to.

I'm a slytherin too btw.
Slytherin Master Race!!!

Oh, I just meant that it's (probably) going to be perpetually broken in the future... Sorry :/


I'm sorry about the lies... That's never appropriate and you an always do better than that. I, too, have been cheated on. To put it elegantly, it is the pits.
 

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Yeah that's the conclusion I've come to as well. How does that work for women? I imagine waiting for something like that would be even harder...
It is, and to be honest this is the same area I need to work on in dating as well. I'll go on maybe 3-5 dates, find someone who piques my interest, and just put all my focus on that person and ignore their many flaws. It would be much more prudent for me to spend several months or even years staying single and browsing. Not to mention, it would help if I would take the dating process slowly, rather than falling for and/or fucking the guy after the first couple dates while they're still hiding all their bullshit.
 

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When I find someone I feel lucky to be with I can't make it stick,

when I find someone who is great but I don't care about at all they want to date me.
That must be a truly interesting kind of greatness!

What you experience is that most people don't find most people mouth-watering.

Which seems to be news for you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
It is, and to be honest this is the same area I need to work on in dating as well. I'll go on maybe 3-5 dates, find someone who piques my interest, and just put all my focus on that person and ignore their many flaws. It would be much more prudent for me to spend several months or even years staying single and browsing. Not to mention, it would help if I would take the dating process slowly, rather than falling for and/or fucking the guy after the first couple dates while they're still hiding all their bullshit.
bahaha I keep trying to tell the girls I date this exact thing. Don't fuck me on the second date....please wait until you've seen all my bullshit and decided that you still like me. They never understand though....
 

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bahaha I keep trying to tell the girls I date this exact thing. Don't fuck me on the second date....please wait until you've seen all my bullshit and decided that you still like me. They never understand though....
Why don't you just refuse to have sex with them? lol
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Why don't you just refuse to have sex with them? lol
Last time I did that with a girl I really liked she broke things off...now I feel kind of trapped into it. I really am understanding the plight of women more now that I care more about the relationship than the sex.
 

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Last time I did that with a girl I really liked she broke things off...now I feel kind of trapped into it. I really am understanding the plight of women more now that I care more about the relationship than the sex.
Hmm I believe you. To be honest, I have rejected men for not wanting to have sex with me early on before. But if I really feel a connection with a guy, I'm willing to wait.
 

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Well, after the end of an eight month relationship yesterday, I share your question. I just can't find a girl willing to work at a relationship. I'm more upset at this than anything right now. That too often people just leave relationships rather than work at them. I mean, how can you be with someone for a long period of time, talk to them nearly every day, and expect everything to be perfect throughout? It just doesn't comprehend... and people call INFPs idealists with heads stuck in the clouds. I don't know, I just feel like all my relationships have ended horribly, with me trying to talk about issues and figure out how to get past them and finding an essentially unwilling "partner" on the other side. I just don't get how you can bail on someone you love without trying, trying to make it work. To me, this is the most disheartening thing. Not that this relationship is done. But that it's a constant pattern. But I don't know, maybe I'm just the reason this shit happens and I'm just totally inept. And that's so hard to think about when love is the one thing that makes life worth living.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Well, after the end of an eight month relationship yesterday, I share your question. I just can't find a girl willing to work at a relationship. I'm more upset at this than anything right now. That too often people just leave relationships rather than work at them. I mean, how can you be with someone for a long period of time, talk to them nearly every day, and expect everything to be perfect throughout? It just doesn't comprehend... and people call INFPs idealists with heads stuck in the clouds. I don't know, I just feel like all my relationships have ended horribly, with me trying to talk about issues and figure out how to get past them and finding an essentially unwilling "partner" on the other side. I just don't get how you can bail on someone you love without trying, trying to make it work. To me, this is the most disheartening thing. Not that this relationship is done. But that it's a constant pattern. But I don't know, maybe I'm just the reason this shit happens and I'm just totally inept. And that's so hard to think about when love is the one thing that makes life worth living.
It sounds like in your situation you didn't properly demonstrate value throughout. I think that's a big issue with myself and a lot of other guys as well. You must demonstrate value. Oddly enough, a lot of times the quickest way to do that is sexually, but if you can do it in other ways that also appeal to the romantic side of things you can make it work. Long relationships (6+ months imo) tend to end because one of the people stops demonstrating value early on.
 

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I don't think that anyone is ever terrible at communicating. They just communicate differently.

I remember dating an ESTJ a couple years ago (I think so at least). I wanted to just write him off as terrible at communicating too, but this nagging voice in my ear kept telling me that we had our own sort of connection, so I sucked it up, stopped pointing fingers, and looked at communication tips in the ESTJ forum. I did what was suggested and got the exact response they said I'd get :p (Positive, btw).
 

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Hmm..um I'm thinking you have some internal issues you may want to explore. ..you claim you want a commitment, but only want the girl who didn't want you. I smell either a fear of commitment, or some issue with only wanting what you can't haz, or that you honestly find people who want to be with you boring while the chase is more exciting.

Or it could be much simpler than that, that you've only been looking for 7-8 months and realistically you can't just force these things to happen in a year or less.
 

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bahaha I keep trying to tell the girls I date this exact thing. Don't fuck me on the second date....please wait until you've seen all my bullshit and decided that you still like me. They never understand though....
You need to take responsibility for this instead of abdication of responsibility to them, really, this is kind of offensive, but it's how many men are conditioned to think. ..misogyny at its finest.
 

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I guess the hardest part is finding someone you want to do that for. I've spent so much time making myself an "interesting" person that I don't have much time to offer someone unless I make some pretty real sacrifices so unless I find a very special person chances are I'm not going to put in the effort.
So you're saying you are actively choosing not to love. You may not realize it, but that's what you are saying. Of course at least you are disconnecting after making the choice, which is fine and sensible (it's much more problematic in a person who desires to continue to keep being with the same person for months or years but still refuses to love them) ...I mean what made the so called terrible communicator so special? Mystery? Because you clearly didn't communicate in any special manner according to you.
 
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