1. What drives you in life? What do you look for?
I'm driven by the need to acquire independence first, with safety and security coming in a close second. I grew up poor, and never had any of those things, so I feel extremely deprived of them, so they have been my first priority my whole life. I'm also driven to get as far away from the shitty life I was dealt. I hate it when other people have the ability to influence or control my life or happiness, so I stay as autonomous as possible.
2. What do you hope to accomplish in your life?
I hope to realize the small goals I have set for myself. I don't want anything fancy. Just enough to gain the things I listed in the first question. Once those needs were met, I'd ideally like to help others. Primarily children and animals. I can't stand to see either one suffer. It makes me angry because both are so defenseless.
3. What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you?
I want to avoid being anything like my parents or family members. One word to do describe them would be selfish. They were very pleasure seeking and always put themselves first, even before their children. I think this has led to my distaste for pleasure seeking behavior like using drugs, overindulging in sex or alcohol, partying etc etc. I really dislike people who use any form of drug. I also dislike people who drink and party a lot and who are sexually promiscuous.
I value my time and I value sex and relationship (romantic and platonic) and think that you should remain selective with how your spend your time and with whom you associate.
4. What are your biggest fears (not including phobias)? Why?
Being controlled by other people or having others beliefs or views shoved down my throat. Being stuck in a place where I wasn't allowed to be myself. There is also a part of me that feels like no one will ever understand me or love me for who I am.
5. How do you want others to see you? How do you see yourself?
I want people to see me as loyal and a good person (I'm not nice though. nice is more personality trait, while good person is more of a character thing). These things about me always get over looked because people are too busy paying attention to other parts of my personality and I get painted in a negative light, even when its not true at all.
I see myself as someone who is charming, funny, intense, interesting, loyal, strong, autonomous, stubbon
, standoffish, emotionally cold.
6. What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
Best: When Im in an environment that caters to my strengths. Being in a place where I can be my complete self makes me feel better and the energy just builds from there. Its like letting it all hang out and saying "screw it", and being able to do so without negative criticism.
Worst: When I am being told to be someone else or to behave in a more acceptable manner. When I am being told who I am isn't good enough or "appropriate". I also start of feel resentment from having to spend so much time adapting to other people to get by. Its get tiresome.
I'm also feel bad when I'm being compared to/valued less than someone who is clearly a piece of shit and lacks character.
7. Describe how you experience each of: a) anger; b) shame; c) anxiety.
Anger: I feel like I'm always in a state of being angry or experiencing anger on some level even if its just a little. If happy anger exists, I'd be the poster child for it. For me, anger originates in the diaphragm. When something or someone is irritating me, the energy builds there and I have to push it out, generally by snapping at someone. Lol, I try to do it nicely too. It never comes out nicely. My entire body tenses up as I try to ease it out, but it come out like a sharp bark.
Shame: I have feelings of inadequacy that creep up every now and then. Sometimes, I'll feel inferior to other people, even if its just for a second and even if I know I'm not inferior them. I don't like this feeling so I usually just repress it or ignore it. I also feel shame for not having the same upbringing as other people even though its out of my control.
Anxiety: I used to have anxiety problems when I was much younger and it resulted in depression and feelings or worthlessness or helplessness. Currently, I can't recall experiencing anxiety at all.
8. Describe how you respond to each of: a) stress; b) unexpected change; c) conflict.
Stress: I generally don't notice stress at first. It can build and build before it starts to get to me. Though, once I recognize that something is stressing me out, I get angry and try to wrap it up so I don't have to deal with it. I don't like unnecessary stress so I take care of things before they become a source of stress.
Unexpected change: Depends on the reason for the change. Generally though, I'm annoyed by it and I'll need a good reason for the change to not get pretty pissed off. I'll get really mad if my time has been wasted. Though, if its beneficial and more efficient or logical, I'm all for it.
Conflict: I hate unnecessary conflict or drama. I hate it. Sometimes its fun to laugh at, but more often than not I try to get the hell away from it. I also don't like people who carry conflict around with them. When conflict has nothing to do with me or anyone close to me, I'll leave the situation since it will only cause a headache. However, if conflict is needed to resolve something then I go at it head on. I think of it as two rams smashing heads. Being autonomous though is the ultimate goal.
9. Describe your orientation to: a) authority; b) power. How do you respond to these?
Authority: I can recognize the necessity for authority overall, because I think a lot of people can't be trusted/don't trust themselves to make the best decisions, but authority really isn't for me. As long as it leaves me alone, I'll leave it alone. I certainly don't treat authority like its better or bigger than I am. I don't bow down to something because it looks, and smells like "authority". I will challenge authority sometimes. I like to pretend like I'm "better than that", but I'm not. I just can't help it. Its like a boat with a sign that says "Don't rock me" and I can't help but rock it violently. When faced with authority, I try to poke holes in it and weaken it. Its laughable to me. I can take care of myself, I don't need authority watching over me.
Power: I've noticed that I have a tendency to absorb power everywhere I go. I always have a pocket of influence at every job I've ever had, or in every group I've been apart of. I feel like I have a tendency to slowly siphon power from situations without realizing it. I really only want power over myself, and I don't take pleasure in having power over others because if I have power over others, I have a tendency to become really controlling. I have to really trust and respect them in order to not control them, but the urge would be there. I also noticed that as I gain power, I also become cockier. I'm more apt to talk shit and challenge authority. Once I have an established position, I move from there and try to get more of it. I don't do it consciously though.
10. What is your overall outlook on life and humanity?
I've carried misanthropic feelings around with me my whole life. Not that I hate people, or think they should suffer or anything, but I dislike them...a lot. I always have. I think it stems from me being disappointed in people. As a whole, humans have done great things, but on an individual level, they tend to suck and not be so amazing. My habit of idealizing people just leads to me being let down, so I stop trying to make connections to too many people/
If I could undo my existence, I would. Living doesn't seem so great to me. The world certainly isn't great, and I don't see too much point in it. I'm always torn between wanting to be really happy about life and existence, and perceiving it as good, but I just can't.
12. Comment on your relationship with trust.
For me trust is the most important aspect of any sort of relationship. If I can't trust you, I can't respect you and if I can't respect you, I'll never love you or have love for you. If I don't feel love for you (romantic or otherwise), you'll never get to know who I truly am and will always be an outsider to me.
13. List some of the traits you: a) like; b) dislike most about yourself.
Like: Independence, strong-willed, charisma, strong, resilient, loyal, honesty
Dislike: Being guarded and unable to let people in. My walls go up immediately and I can't consciously control them. Forcing myself to be vulnerable makes me come off as disingenuous, which I hate, so I wait for it to happen naturally. This route takes a while.
14. What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?
I can read peoples energies. Lol, its hard to explain. Not in a psychic way or anything, but I get vibes from people that helps me to decide on what kind of person they are. I notice things about people that are subtle and usually notice it longer before others do. This makes me come off as paranoid to other people or judgmental, but its worked in my favor quite a bit and is rarely wrong.
15. If a stranger insults you, how do you respond/feel? What if they compliment you?
I probably wouldn't feel anything and would probably respond by chuckling to myself and walking away. I find that with insults, the best reaction is little to no reaction at all.
When people compliment me, I get uncomfortable. I never say thank you because I'm not thankful. The compliment wont make me feel anything at all. I'd only value the opinion (negative or positive) from someone who I respected. Everyone else can kick rocks.
I'm driven by the need to acquire independence first, with safety and security coming in a close second. I grew up poor, and never had any of those things, so I feel extremely deprived of them, so they have been my first priority my whole life. I'm also driven to get as far away from the shitty life I was dealt. I hate it when other people have the ability to influence or control my life or happiness, so I stay as autonomous as possible.
2. What do you hope to accomplish in your life?
I hope to realize the small goals I have set for myself. I don't want anything fancy. Just enough to gain the things I listed in the first question. Once those needs were met, I'd ideally like to help others. Primarily children and animals. I can't stand to see either one suffer. It makes me angry because both are so defenseless.
3. What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you?
I want to avoid being anything like my parents or family members. One word to do describe them would be selfish. They were very pleasure seeking and always put themselves first, even before their children. I think this has led to my distaste for pleasure seeking behavior like using drugs, overindulging in sex or alcohol, partying etc etc. I really dislike people who use any form of drug. I also dislike people who drink and party a lot and who are sexually promiscuous.
I value my time and I value sex and relationship (romantic and platonic) and think that you should remain selective with how your spend your time and with whom you associate.
4. What are your biggest fears (not including phobias)? Why?
Being controlled by other people or having others beliefs or views shoved down my throat. Being stuck in a place where I wasn't allowed to be myself. There is also a part of me that feels like no one will ever understand me or love me for who I am.
5. How do you want others to see you? How do you see yourself?
I want people to see me as loyal and a good person (I'm not nice though. nice is more personality trait, while good person is more of a character thing). These things about me always get over looked because people are too busy paying attention to other parts of my personality and I get painted in a negative light, even when its not true at all.
I see myself as someone who is charming, funny, intense, interesting, loyal, strong, autonomous, stubbon
, standoffish, emotionally cold. 6. What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
Best: When Im in an environment that caters to my strengths. Being in a place where I can be my complete self makes me feel better and the energy just builds from there. Its like letting it all hang out and saying "screw it", and being able to do so without negative criticism.
Worst: When I am being told to be someone else or to behave in a more acceptable manner. When I am being told who I am isn't good enough or "appropriate". I also start of feel resentment from having to spend so much time adapting to other people to get by. Its get tiresome.
I'm also feel bad when I'm being compared to/valued less than someone who is clearly a piece of shit and lacks character.
7. Describe how you experience each of: a) anger; b) shame; c) anxiety.
Anger: I feel like I'm always in a state of being angry or experiencing anger on some level even if its just a little. If happy anger exists, I'd be the poster child for it. For me, anger originates in the diaphragm. When something or someone is irritating me, the energy builds there and I have to push it out, generally by snapping at someone. Lol, I try to do it nicely too. It never comes out nicely. My entire body tenses up as I try to ease it out, but it come out like a sharp bark.
Shame: I have feelings of inadequacy that creep up every now and then. Sometimes, I'll feel inferior to other people, even if its just for a second and even if I know I'm not inferior them. I don't like this feeling so I usually just repress it or ignore it. I also feel shame for not having the same upbringing as other people even though its out of my control.
Anxiety: I used to have anxiety problems when I was much younger and it resulted in depression and feelings or worthlessness or helplessness. Currently, I can't recall experiencing anxiety at all.
8. Describe how you respond to each of: a) stress; b) unexpected change; c) conflict.
Stress: I generally don't notice stress at first. It can build and build before it starts to get to me. Though, once I recognize that something is stressing me out, I get angry and try to wrap it up so I don't have to deal with it. I don't like unnecessary stress so I take care of things before they become a source of stress.
Unexpected change: Depends on the reason for the change. Generally though, I'm annoyed by it and I'll need a good reason for the change to not get pretty pissed off. I'll get really mad if my time has been wasted. Though, if its beneficial and more efficient or logical, I'm all for it.
Conflict: I hate unnecessary conflict or drama. I hate it. Sometimes its fun to laugh at, but more often than not I try to get the hell away from it. I also don't like people who carry conflict around with them. When conflict has nothing to do with me or anyone close to me, I'll leave the situation since it will only cause a headache. However, if conflict is needed to resolve something then I go at it head on. I think of it as two rams smashing heads. Being autonomous though is the ultimate goal.
9. Describe your orientation to: a) authority; b) power. How do you respond to these?
Authority: I can recognize the necessity for authority overall, because I think a lot of people can't be trusted/don't trust themselves to make the best decisions, but authority really isn't for me. As long as it leaves me alone, I'll leave it alone. I certainly don't treat authority like its better or bigger than I am. I don't bow down to something because it looks, and smells like "authority". I will challenge authority sometimes. I like to pretend like I'm "better than that", but I'm not. I just can't help it. Its like a boat with a sign that says "Don't rock me" and I can't help but rock it violently. When faced with authority, I try to poke holes in it and weaken it. Its laughable to me. I can take care of myself, I don't need authority watching over me.
Power: I've noticed that I have a tendency to absorb power everywhere I go. I always have a pocket of influence at every job I've ever had, or in every group I've been apart of. I feel like I have a tendency to slowly siphon power from situations without realizing it. I really only want power over myself, and I don't take pleasure in having power over others because if I have power over others, I have a tendency to become really controlling. I have to really trust and respect them in order to not control them, but the urge would be there. I also noticed that as I gain power, I also become cockier. I'm more apt to talk shit and challenge authority. Once I have an established position, I move from there and try to get more of it. I don't do it consciously though.
10. What is your overall outlook on life and humanity?
I've carried misanthropic feelings around with me my whole life. Not that I hate people, or think they should suffer or anything, but I dislike them...a lot. I always have. I think it stems from me being disappointed in people. As a whole, humans have done great things, but on an individual level, they tend to suck and not be so amazing. My habit of idealizing people just leads to me being let down, so I stop trying to make connections to too many people/
If I could undo my existence, I would. Living doesn't seem so great to me. The world certainly isn't great, and I don't see too much point in it. I'm always torn between wanting to be really happy about life and existence, and perceiving it as good, but I just can't.
12. Comment on your relationship with trust.
For me trust is the most important aspect of any sort of relationship. If I can't trust you, I can't respect you and if I can't respect you, I'll never love you or have love for you. If I don't feel love for you (romantic or otherwise), you'll never get to know who I truly am and will always be an outsider to me.
13. List some of the traits you: a) like; b) dislike most about yourself.
Like: Independence, strong-willed, charisma, strong, resilient, loyal, honesty
Dislike: Being guarded and unable to let people in. My walls go up immediately and I can't consciously control them. Forcing myself to be vulnerable makes me come off as disingenuous, which I hate, so I wait for it to happen naturally. This route takes a while.
14. What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?
I can read peoples energies. Lol, its hard to explain. Not in a psychic way or anything, but I get vibes from people that helps me to decide on what kind of person they are. I notice things about people that are subtle and usually notice it longer before others do. This makes me come off as paranoid to other people or judgmental, but its worked in my favor quite a bit and is rarely wrong.
15. If a stranger insults you, how do you respond/feel? What if they compliment you?
I probably wouldn't feel anything and would probably respond by chuckling to myself and walking away. I find that with insults, the best reaction is little to no reaction at all.
When people compliment me, I get uncomfortable. I never say thank you because I'm not thankful. The compliment wont make me feel anything at all. I'd only value the opinion (negative or positive) from someone who I respected. Everyone else can kick rocks.
