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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
So I read through the ISTJ thread for thoughts on them from fellow INFJs, and it sadly wasn't too encouraging. I didn't notice too many INFJs mentioning any kind of lasting relationship with this type either.. (except with family members of course)

I'm very fond of this person, however. I'm not sure I've ever experienced having someone so accepting of who I am, quirks and all, in my life before. It's just so..comfortable. And I need to be comfortable to thrive as myself. And lately I've been so guarded around new acquaintances, friends and otherwise. This person makes me feel interesting, and enjoys my company and conversation. She makes me feel hilarious, too. Which is a huge bonus, given that I've usually not felt quite confident enough around other, less comfort-inducing people, to let my sense of humour just flow. Our conversations don't go stale at all, they bounce back and forth almost non-stop. Although we're still learning about each other. I sense that maybe could change once we're more familiar with each other's lives. I already can tell she's emotionally distant. Which I haven't had a problem with so far, because I've become very guarded and weary of expressing my affection lately too. But I know at some point my need for it may boil to the surface, and am worried if that emotional need may pose a problem. Yet at the same time I can also sense she likes me. She seems devoted and loyal to..whatever we are right now..and I can't even express how much I value that. Just given how much I've been starved of it in the past couple years with all these unhealthy friendships I've gone through, where I've experienced a severe lack of appreciation. So this is like a dose of medicine to me. Of course, the ISTJ honesty is also evident, which allows for 'real' conversations, another nice thing. Lately she has become much less guarded about her inner thoughts/issues as well, as she has really come to trust me. I heard that's a difficult thing to achieve with that type, given that they don't like to rely on others or share in their struggles.

I haven't felt the urge to pursue a relationship with someone in quite a while, or thought that it realistically could come to happen. But with this person, I feel like we could be something more, and it could, strangely, work. I think her emotional stability could help stabilize my emotional side, too. And I think I need that, because its my instability at times that detracts from my ability to accomplish things I need to accomplish. Her good habits, like being places on time etc, may also help me get my act together in that regard. I also feel there are also many things I can help her with, to help her grow. And I enjoy those sorts of challenges. But is it a good idea to try for a relationship with this type? Any experiences from relationships with this type from fellow INFJS? Have some become too frustrated with the lack of emotional response? I'm just curious for opinions. I'm not familiar with type compatibility and all that.

Please, and thanks. :)
 

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I only have one point: don't ever let MBTI determine whether or not you pursue a relationship!

First of all, too many people are mistyped, even those who have been in MBTI/Jung functions for years sometimes realize they're something else entirely. You might be a closeted ISFJ or she might be an INTJ and all of a sudden you're supercompatible. (Not saying you are mistyped or something but you just see it too often).

Two, at the end of the day, people are people, we are more than our type. I'm not the same INFJ as you are. Everything you say points to a for now healthy relationship.

If our ISTJ experiences are the only thing stopping you now, just go for it.
Every person and every relationship is different. The only way to tell is to give it a shot.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I only have one point: don't ever let MBTI determine whether or not you pursue a relationship!

First of all, too many people are mistyped, even those who have been in MBTI/Jung functions for years sometimes realize they're something else entirely. You might be a closeted ISFJ or she might be an INTJ and all of a sudden you're supercompatible. (Not saying you are mistyped or something but you just see it too often).

Two, at the end of the day, people are people, we are more than our type. I'm not the same INFJ as you are. Everything you say points to a for now healthy relationship.

If our ISTJ experiences are the only thing stopping you now, just go for it.
Every person and every relationship is different. The only way to tell is to give it a shot.
Thank you for this, and the reminder. :) I have no intention of letting it influence my decision, just to help me be as informed as possible..since I like to consider all possibilities and thoughts when making a decision. I doubt this knowledge would affect things, either, since my Fe and Ni will likely push me to take a leap if this truly feels right anyways. When she took the test, she said her functions weren't that strong, percentage-wise, either. I can sense some outward feeling from her just in her body language, thoughtful glances, and playful physical contact, which make me think she can be more outward with her feelings than the type might even suggest..perhaps just not in a vocal way.

We are most certainly more than our type, and no two people are the same, as similar as they might be. I definitely agree.
 

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I've been with my ISTJ for 3 and a half years - and we're getting married on our fourth anniversary so I guess we're proof that it works ^_^ it might not always be easy, you'll butt heads from time to time - but it's worth it. I think you would have a wonderful time together. Try not to pay attention to MBTI too much, more what feels right. If you want to be with them, go for it.
 

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I get along with istjs fabulously!! The men like me but I'm not too into them romantically. Despite that I must confess they're amazing at making me feel comfortable. The females are probably one of the best types to be friends with. I don't offend or hurt their feelings with my harsh way of thinking. They don't take me seriously if they disagree and are more likely to laugh at me (the thought) then take it personally.. They're loyal, funny in their own way, so easy going but not to the point that causes me anxiety as they're still a J-type.. I love istjs >.<
 
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INFJ happily married to an ISTJ here. I can see why this might be a bad match in theory, but it's just that--a theory. When I first learned about MBTI, both of us took the test multiple times. It seems like we're a good match, so maybe our personalities tested out wrong?? Nope. I am a definite INFJ. He is a definite ISTJ. We identify with our descriptions. Somehow we ended up together. Thank goodness we didn't know we were a "bad match" when we fell in love!

Since we have similar values and goals in life, I think we're ideal for one another. We both wanted to be married, have kids, share the same faith and political leanings. Seems like shared values is key.

Over the years, I've had trouble with his lack of empathy and trouble expressing his emotions. I still do sometimes, but I find that if I talk to him about it, he makes valiant efforts to connect, which I appreciate. As we've grown as individuals and have gotten more confident in ourselves, and as we continue to grow, I find we compliment and balance one another out.

I will say that it takes a lot of work. There is no coasting through life in our relationship. We have to be intentional about communicating and working on our marriage. We are constantly talking, never taking for granted that one can read the other's mind--we think way too differently. We both had to learn to argue, if that makes sense. We both want to be at peace, so it becomes easy to avoid talking about frustrations with one another in favor of keeping the peace. It's definitely not easy, and sometimes not real fun, but it's a great challenge, and deeply fulfilling.
 

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I'm an INFJ married to an ISTJ. We celebrate our 20th anniversary next month!

The things I like about our relationship are the ones you have already identified. He lets me be me, and has never tried to change me. He is completely honest, which I treasure. I am emotional, and he gives me stability. His strengths are very complimentary to mine, so together we make a good team - e.g. he thinks in a more concrete, practical way than me, notices details, has a good sense of directions, remembers to pay the bills etc. He finds me entertaining and listens to me talk. He admires some of my more difficult qualities - my tenacity, my fight. He enjoys being challenged. He sees me as I really am, and is never offended by the extremes of my personality and soaks them up. I can fully relax around him. We have the same basic values, and are both egalitarian and down to earth. He is not judgmental. He is very committed to our home and children and totally loyal - I am 100% certain he would never even look at another woman, and that gives me a lot of security.

On the down side, although he fully accepts me, he does not understand me or the way I think at all. In some ways, this is good as we have never become completely comfortable with each other. There is always some friction, so we are not bored. But communication can be very challenging and we have had some very difficult times, almost separating. Our surface interests are the same - we both like walking, for example, and can enjoy doing things together. But on a deeper level, we have nothing in common. My overwhelming interest and motivation is people - whereas he just isn't interested in people at all. Hardest of all, I see relationships as "win-win", where you are both on the same side, whereas his mindset is very "win-lose" - he is competitive, and whenever we disagree or something goes wrong, it always has to be someone's "fault". His negativity can grind me down. I'm a natural optimist, but he squishes my ideas and enthusiasm. Sometimes, I feel he is sucking the joy out of my life.

We have different "love languages" - he expresses his love by doing things for me and our family. I express love in words and by sharing feelings. He isn't comfortable with feelings at all (big problem!), and never expresses love verbally. The worst thing is that he knows he doesn't make me completely happy, which in turn makes him unhappy. I think I knew when I married him that we weren't "soulmates", but loved him anyway. I sometimes wonder if it wasn't very selfish of me. I think an INFJ who doesn't get their needs for emotion and communication met in a relationship can end up unhappy, and so make their partner unhappy too.

But overall, we do love each other, and our relationship, though challenging, is still passionate even after 20 years. So, would I marry him again? Yes.

So I would say - go for it! And best wishes to you.
 

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The thing about relationships is that there are no perfect ones, and you will hit bumps in the road, and arguments, hurt feelings and the like will happen every now and then. Never let the fear of something you haven't experienced stop you from expericing it. Except touching fire. That never works out. My best friend throughout high school was a religious thinking conservative while I was a feeling liberal athiest. I smoked pot and cigarettes all the time while he never touched either. As long as you appreciate your common grounds and respect your differences, you can be close with anyone. Except, like, serial rapists. Notta lotta common ground there.
 

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Do you what you want. Fuck everything else.
Fuck what you want. Do everything else.



EDIT: Okay, but in utter seriousness, I will take a crack at responding to OP :)

In my experience with ISTJ's, they can be lovely companions!

The one thing I need to adjust to is their lack of expression, be it facial, tonal or affection-related. I'm the kind of person that likes to affect people, you know? I want to move them and see the twinkle in their eyes, the laugh lines!! Or a look of shock when I say something ridiculous...


But, yeah, ISTJ's are pretty stoic, and I used to interpret this as their disliking me. Quite the contrary! It's just that infamous Fe - Fi battle ;)


Other than that, I'd say the two should be somewhat compatible, though I feel as if there might be some social view clashing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Fuck what you want. Do everything else.



EDIT: Okay, but in utter seriousness, I will take a crack at responding to OP :)

In my experience with ISTJ's, they can be lovely companions!

The one thing I need to adjust to is their lack of expression, be it facial, tonal or affection-related. I'm the kind of person that likes to affect people, you know? I want to move them and see the twinkle in their eyes, the laugh lines!! Or a look of shock when I say something ridiculous...


But, yeah, ISTJ's are pretty stoic, and I used to interpret this as their disliking me. Quite the contrary! It's just that infamous Fe - Fi battle ;)


Other than that, I'd say the two should be somewhat compatible, though I feel as if their might be some social view clashing.
Lol we're very much the same. I enjoy inviting friends to watch shows or movies I've already seen a dozen times, if only to see their reactions/expressions (I've noticed this is common among us). I just like to see how something that affects me on an emotional level affects them. It's fascinating. And when I can see it, it even makes me a little giddy. We love getting reactions out of people.. not even positive ones either. If I'm in a generally frustrated mood, I sometimes purposely say little things to try and get a rise out of the other person, or at least get them on the same page, because I want to air out those frustrations.

ISTJs do seem often non-reactive, except when it comes to humour. It's easy to make her laugh, and she does appear thoroughly entertained by things I say sometimes. But those are just positive vibes. There's very little on the other side that she will openly express.

We spent some time together the other day and I was looking for any outward signs of affection from her - an external chemistry - which I've noticed at times before, but it was pretty non-existent this time. Of course we were both tired, too. I'd purposely move closer to her and she wouldn't really seem to think much of it or react. So I would poke fun at her, which is my way of flirting, and is fine because ISTJs are good at not taking things personally, although everything just kind of bounced off her this time. Afterwards I was a little concerned and maybe disappointed that we didn't connect very well, seeing as I felt things had been building since I last saw her. But shortly after she started texting me, which then went on all night. Her messages came off really affectionate and curious, and she expressed interest in seeing me again soon. So yep, her feeling is very much internal. This is definitely going to confuse me a lot..

But thanks, I'll try to keep in mind that things are being processed internally for her. And you're right, a challenging part is the difference in social views and just general opinions. She's quite entrenched in her own way of thinking and approach to life. It's interesting to me because it's quite different from mine. But I've already got her to cross some of her own lines which is encouraging. We're both respectful of each others stances, but I do expect at some point it could cause some clashes. These things can't be avoided in any relationship, though. So might as well enjoy the positives.
 
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I feel like I'm in the same situation as you. I really like this girl on a social networking site and what you said in your post is the same thing happening with me. I'm so confused like I don't know either :/
 

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I only have one point: don't ever let MBTI determine whether or not you pursue a relationship!
Yes*. You must correlate the Enneagram too. Don't forget! :D

*Maybe these relationships work out, but you have to meet in the middle. This involves a lot of compromise and work. Your ways of thinking will be different all the time. She may find you fascinating right now because you offer such different ideas, but when you hit the traditional and "cold" aspects of the ISTJ, you'll have a challenge ahead of you. Just remember she will not be as dreamy as you may be, she will clip your wings when you fly too high to remind you the limits. If you're OK living without metaphors, without that extra meaning to your words, when a flower is just a flower and not a gesture, when the color is just pretty and not meaningful then it's what you need. Otherwise, I'd stay away. I am an ass, I know, I should be saying nice things and should not judge the person without knowing her. But don't forget, MBTI does say who you are based on your choices. Choices define you. Therefore MBTI defines.
 
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The most maddening courtship I have on record was with an ISTJ. Or maybe she was ESTJ... yeah. I don't claim to be an authority on these types.

Damn you Erica, wherever you are.
 

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Maybe these relationships work out, but you have to meet in the middle. This involves a lot of compromise and work. Your ways of thinking will be different all the time. She may find you fascinating right now because you offer such different ideas, but when you hit the traditional and "cold" aspects of the ISTJ, you'll have a challenge ahead of you. Just remember she will not be as dreamy as you may be, she will clip your wings when you fly too high to remind you the limits. If you're OK living without metaphors, without that extra meaning to your words, when a flower is just a flower and not a gesture, when the color is just pretty and not meaningful then it's what you need.
Clipped wings... you bring up a good point. I've used the word "squelched" over the years. Or, simply, "You're trying to shut me down." When an ISTJ loves an INFJ, it can happen. But I don't have to hand my wings over to my husband to be clipped. He doesn't have that power. I'm not looking for anyone to approve of my wings. God gave me these wings. They're mine. No one gets to clip them. My life is full of creativity, metaphors, meaning.

It's taken a lot of work. Every day, it takes work. Thankfully, where an ISTJ seems cold, there is a steady devotion that is downright passionate when it's really examined. We're together. My husband isn't my wing-clipper. I'm not giving him or anyone else that power. I'm just fine the way I am. He is, however, a steadying influence--and that's where the INFJ/ISTJ combination can be wonderful.

Otherwise, I'd stay away. I am an ass, I know, I should be saying nice things and should not judge the person without knowing her.
Not an ass. I think you're bringing up a valid point. Maybe the better question is--will this particular ISTJ be hell-bent on clipping his wings? Or will she be willing to be stretched herself, to take flight with him, and become a steadying influence?

But don't forget, MBTI does say who you are based on your choices. Choices define you. Therefore MBTI defines.
OK now that sounds like wings being clipped! :happy: Seriously though, thanks for your thoughts--it actually sparked a really meaningful and interesting conversation between my ISTJ and me.
 

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So I read through the ISTJ thread for thoughts on them from fellow INFJs, and it sadly wasn't too encouraging. I didn't notice too many INFJs mentioning any kind of lasting relationship with this type either.. (except with family members of course)
You did something good: which was to go to the ISTJ forum and read. Better than posting without checking to see if anyone else asked the question before.

As an xSTJ (middle of I and E), I myself have posted on the ISTJ forum that we’re generally not in favour of getting in a relationship with an NF, simply because both types think very differently and value very different things. Myself, I considered going into one years ago, but chose not to in the end. So I do not have any firsthand experience to share with you.

However, it is an STJ trait to be quite explicit and direct in the way we word our stuff, especially when dealing with NTs who try to play fast and loose with what one has said. “We do not favour going into a relationship with an NF” can sometimes be misinterpreted as “STJ-NF RELATIONSHIPS WILL NEVER WORK, STAY FAR FAR AWAY FROM ONE”.

As others have mentioned, nothing except death can stop 2 people from having a successful relationship if both are determined and willing to work at it, even if it means temporarily sacrificing their own happiness at times. It is just that because both types think very differently, the degree of compromise required on both sides is very high.

On a practical level, you need to find a common ground to start with. Having similar life goals, perhaps religious / faith views are fundamentally important, as @Quiet Minute has said. At least you both know that you are working towards the same objective, just that both work in drastically different ways.

I'm very fond of this person, however. I'm not sure I've ever experienced having someone so accepting of who I am, quirks and all, in my life before. It's just so..comfortable. And I need to be comfortable to thrive as myself. And lately I've been so guarded around new acquaintances, friends and otherwise. This person makes me feel interesting, and enjoys my company and conversation. She makes me feel hilarious, too. Which is a huge bonus, given that I've usually not felt quite confident enough around other, less comfort-inducing people, to let my sense of humour just flow. Our conversations don't go stale at all, they bounce back and forth almost non-stop. Although we're still learning about each other. I sense that maybe could change once we're more familiar with each other's lives. I already can tell she's emotionally distant. Which I haven't had a problem with so far, because I've become very guarded and weary of expressing my affection lately too. But I know at some point my need for it may boil to the surface, and am worried if that emotional need may pose a problem. Yet at the same time I can also sense she likes me. She seems devoted and loyal to..whatever we are right now..and I can't even express how much I value that. Just given how much I've been starved of it in the past couple years with all these unhealthy friendships I've gone through, where I've experienced a severe lack of appreciation. So this is like a dose of medicine to me. Of course, the ISTJ honesty is also evident, which allows for 'real' conversations, another nice thing. Lately she has become much less guarded about her inner thoughts/issues as well, as she has really come to trust me. I heard that's a difficult thing to achieve with that type, given that they don't like to rely on others or share in their struggles.
STJs in general tend to be very reserved in who we share our inner thoughts to. ESTJs less so, but ISTJs are especially hard to crack. We tend to categorise people on different levels, with differing levels of access.

So, if said ISTJ does start to share sensitive information with you, it does indicate that she thinks you are close. We do not start relationships lightly, and usually are very loyal. As such, we do not like players, or people with no commitment.

Living together and daily habits does bring about a whole lot of friction. I believe others have said a lot on it already, so I won’t waste space.

I haven't felt the urge to pursue a relationship with someone in quite a while, or thought that it realistically could come to happen. But with this person, I feel like we could be something more, and it could, strangely, work. I think her emotional stability could help stabilize my emotional side, too. And I think I need that, because its my instability at times that detracts from my ability to accomplish things I need to accomplish. Her good habits, like being places on time etc, may also help me get my act together in that regard. I also feel there are also many things I can help her with, to help her grow. And I enjoy those sorts of challenges. But is it a good idea to try for a relationship with this type? Any experiences from relationships with this type from fellow INFJS? Have some become too frustrated with the lack of emotional response? I'm just curious for opinions. I'm not familiar with type compatibility and all that.
It can work, provided that both sides are determined to make it work. Nobody said it’s impossible, just that it needs more work because of the bigger difference. The big challenge would be to make sure you get the best of both worlds, and not the worst.

I can’t answer you about the INFJ’s perspective, but I can tell you that if your ISTJ commits to it, and if given proper guidance on what you want, she will do everything possible to make things work.

All the best.
 
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