[Berns321]

Hello! I've been sort of a stalker on these forums for a while, but now that I have somewhat of a situation I'm needing advice about I've finally decided to make my own profile!

There is a guy I just started dating (ENFJ) He is a really sweet dude. But the way our relationship has been developing, and how I feel about him is just a little off...

I liked him as soon as I met him, and I'm pretty sure he felt the same way. We starting going out soon after...things went pretty fast. Which I know is kinda of against the way I'd ideally like to happen, but you know we both knew we liked each other right away, we just kind of cut to the chase =/ So I started seeing him almost every day for couple weeks, but it just felt that something was amiss...maybe because it all happened to fast (this is both of our first relationship). It felt like we were trying to hard to hard to fit that cookie cutter image of a couple, like we were forcing ourselves to be something we are not, to the point were I didn't really know how I was supposed to feel about him. So I talked to him about it one day at the beach, and I think I freaked him out because he broke up with me that night...
For a week we didn't see each other, and then on facebook we starting chatting and we both found out we missed each other waaay more than we thought we would (I really did miss him). So we decided to give it another go.

Our first date since then was yesterday.....

My big question is....how am I supposed to feel? I miss him a lot when he isn't here...but when we are together I feel kind of uneasy, and the conversation doesn't flow as well as I would like it to...He ends up talking A LOT about his family, friends, and events that happened to him. I like to listen, I do...but I wish we could talk about things more important to me...I get so nervous about what to do and say around him...I want to let these walls come down, and talk about more vulnerable things, but I get the feeling he wouldn't be into that, but as an infp, i think I really need those conversations, and deep connection.

I guess I'm expecting it to feel absolutely right, but it doesn't completely.

 

[perfectcircle]

Hahaha, sole infp to answer on the enfj forum.

I think even now you are worried about how things 'should' be, even if it is in the form of "I think we are trying too hard to be something we're not".

Here's what will happen-- if it isn't what it should be, eventually you guys will break up.

It's your first relationship. It's ok for it to be a little awkward, and it's ok for it to be sweet and gushy. Just enjoy it and if it gets too "cookie cutter", you can tell him, Ok, that's a little much, even if it makes him confused at first, or you can pull back and make a joke.

But as for revealing yourself-- that's really important. I know it is hard for you, as an infp, but just stop thinking of him there as an audience and just talk for yourself, and hopefully when you talk about things he will be interested. It takes a littel time to learn to be more open with your thoughts, but once you get the hang of it, especially with a supportive person to listen to you, it gets much easier. There is no way for you to talk about yourself besides YOU do it. he has no idea what it you want to talk about, and if you get quiet, he may eb talking to fill the silence. It isn't that there's anything wrong with the realtionship, just if you want that, you're going ot have to learn how to direct the conversation a little, with any person.

Why don't you try, instead of letting all your walls down, just opening some little ****** or making some little bridges? make conversation over the things in your life he can understand, or share not all your vulnerability but some of it? Start small, ease yourself in. I think it's more important to do what feels natural and comfortable, and take the other person into account when speaking, then to "be totally real and reveal all myself. All."

 

[Berns321]

But as for revealing yourself-- that's really important. I know it is hard for you, as an infp, but just stop thinking of him there as an audience and just talk for yourself, and hopefully when you talk about things he will be interested. It takes a littel time to learn to be more open with your thoughts, but once you get the hang of it, especially with a supportive person to listen to you, it gets much easier. There is no way for you to talk about yourself besides YOU do it. he has no idea what it you want to talk about, and if you get quiet, he may eb talking to fill the silence. It isn't that there's anything wrong with the realtionship, just if you want that, you're going ot have to learn how to direct the conversation a little, with any person.

"

Thats so true!! Its so hard to do that, but I will try Thank you for your response >.<

 

[Berns321]

Another question is, what does it mean when ENFJs talk a lot about themselves, family, friends, and telling lots of stories....he does this a lot. But from what I understand ENFJs are supposed to be the opposite, and talk little about themselves trying to get a lot of info out of you.

I find it difficult sometimes for the conversation to be balanced.

 

[perfectcircle]

Another question is, what does it mean when ENFJs talk a lot about themselves, family, friends, and telling lots of stories....he does this a lot. But from what I understand ENFJs are supposed to be the opposite, and talk little about themselves trying to get a lot of info out of you.

I find it difficult sometimes for the conversation to be balanced.

Have to get consensus from the ENFJs on this one. he could just be an immature young guy who doesn't realize you feel a little put out, or someone who just likes to talk about themself. I am not sure if that is correlated to being an enfj. Some poeple don't relaize, especially young men, that if someone isn't talking it may be because they feel steam-rolled- they think, if they had something to say, they'd say it!

 

[Happy about Nothing.]

Another question is, what does it mean when ENFJs talk a lot about themselves, family, friends, and telling lots of stories....he does this a lot. But from what I understand ENFJs are supposed to be the opposite, and talk little about themselves trying to get a lot of info out of you.

I find it difficult sometimes for the conversation to be balanced.

I would argue that most ENFJs are the "opposite" because we know that people would much rather talk about themselves than listen to us speak about ourselves. There is usually genuine interest in what the other person is saying of course, but also the awareness that with most individuals, talking endlessly about oneself and ones own interests is not beneficial in making a connection with another person.

However, for myself, and I've heard other ENFJs agree with this, talking about ourselves is reserved for people we think actually care about our precious inner worlds, which is usually fairly limited.

In a nutshell, because we spend so much time listening to the sorrows and passions of others and reveal little about ourselves, when we find someone we deem "safe" it may be much more likely that we will talk about ourselves....maybe even a great deal.

I'm not saying that you don't have a right to feel as you do, if you feel as though you aren't being listened to equally as much as you are doing the listening...but have you communicated this to him?

I mean, what would you ideally like to happen? For him to stop talking about himself? Or do you just feel as though he isn't interested in listening to you? Have you tried speaking about yourself, and found that he would immediately change the subject?

 

[dulcinea]

However, for myself, and I've heard other ENFJs agree with this, talking about ourselves is reserved for people we think actually care about our precious inner worlds, which is usually fairly limited.

In a nutshell, because we spend so much time listening to the sorrows and passions of others and reveal little about ourselves, when we find someone we deem "safe" it may be much more likely that we will talk about ourselves....maybe even a great deal.

Yeah, I was going to say something similar to this myself. He's probably just relieved to find a listening ear. Also, I've seen hear and there, sometimes, ENFJs might ramble on without realizing it if they're kind of nervous, or sometimes if the other person is really quiet and reserved, he may possibly feel uneasy about awkward silence and want to fill the void.

I know with my ENFJ friend I had a really difficult time speaking up and asserting myself. I'm not sure if this is what you're struggling with, but I know, myself, as an extreme introvert, I found his polished social skills and ability to jump in and make witty comments on the fly in addition to his sometimes facetious/sarcastic humor a bit intimidating at first. I was really really really shy about piping in at first, especially since I didn't really have any social skills, and didn't really know how to start a conversation. I think what helped with me was just, whenever we were alone, just forcing myself to jump in here and there, usually with inane stuff, like a random comment about today's fashion or how I feel about a movie, junk like that. He seemed to enjoy that. I think a lot of things, though, I've had to say textually at first, because I feel way more comfortable writing it out than saying it out.

It's possible that he is putting up a few walls/defenses for fear of getting hurt. If that is the case, the best thing to do is give him a lot of assurance that you're not going to hurt him, at least not intentionally or by leaving him or anything like that. Then you might want to think about things that are important to you that you'd want to have a conversation with him about; I don't think it hurts to write down notes or something along that lines to help you remember, at first when you get a little nervous. I don't think I'd worry about if he would be into what you have to say or anything like that, because if he's a true ENFJ, I'm sure he's eagerly waiting to hear your thoughts.

 

[KC]

My big question is....how am I supposed to feel? I miss him a lot when he isn't here...but when we are together I feel kind of uneasy, and the conversation doesn't flow as well as I would like it to...He ends up talking A LOT about his family, friends, and events that happened to him. I like to listen, I do...but I wish we could talk about things more important to me...I get so nervous about what to do and say around him...I want to let these walls come down, and talk about more vulnerable things, but I get the feeling he wouldn't be into that, but as an infp, i think I really need those conversations, and deep connection.

I guess I'm expecting it to feel absolutely right, but it doesn't completely.

Don't be like that.

Start the conversation yourself. Just do it. It doesn't have to be at the right timing with a lot of anticipation and such so just shoot...

When he picks you up and both of you are in the car, you just go like; "There was this one time that I..."

Cause speaking from my own personal standpoint, I evaluate personal relationships based on trust and how much you reveal about yourself shows how much trust you place in him. So if I was him, I might be in a bit of a bummer if I feel like you don't trust me enough to tell me these things, which might be what he's feeling.

Moreover, him probably telling you so much about his family and what not could also be a way of baiting you to tell him about yourself in the same context like how's your family, and etc etc. We expose that part of ourselves so that you feel comfortable doing the same. I do this to a lot of introverts who conceal a lot around me naturally at first.

Unfortunately, this tactic works well with extroverts most of the time and less so with introverts and he might not know it right now so.....

Aside from that, he could just be venting. If it's all negative stuff then he's venting but if it's other stuff, he might just be talking about stuff to make sure there's no awkward silences.

Do not feel ashamed to tell NFJs deep emotional stuff about yourself cause our Fe will make sure that nothing bad will come out of it. More often that not, we will use that to connect even deeper with certain individuals and a potential lover is definitely within that list.

And yeah, we're pretty good at keeping mum so no worries.

P.S.
If we're not good at keeping mum, don't worry. Even if we do tell, we have this great way of making your problem seem very favorable in your regard. We'll justify the ass out of you by either framing it like a something that you had no control of in which you shouldn't be blamed for or it's something so bloody normal that it's lame to even make a big deal out of it. Again, that only applies to us that can't keep our mouths shut, which is me, on some very rare occasions.

 

[PaperStars]

LOL. I was about to post an INFP/ENFJ thread since I kind of find my new INFP friend very interesting and the connection between the two of us were almost immediate.

She's been friends with all my other friends, but we never really talked (or chatted since we're online friends and we live in the other side of the world) until recent. She's also the ex of the closest internet buddy I have, so I'm still comprehending what I really feel towards her and what other people would think. I personally haven't told anyone except my ENFP and INFJ (cause they're in different group of friends). Now she knows a LOT about me and I do know quite a lot about her too... but IDK. She just sometimes suddenly stops replying and it makes me feel concerned that I may have indeed put her off. When she comes back though, she apologizes and immediately forgiven (she needn't apologize even).

And I, admittedly, am more interested in romantic relationships with new friends (I don't like risking friendships, so I'm most forward with what I feel at the beginning of the relationship). Though, when she said that she was more of a long-term friendship development type of person, I decided to hold my emotions until later... possibly just wait for her if it happens.

And yes, there are a LOT of times I feel weird cause I do a lot of talking. As in SO MUCH talking, I even shared my family problems and my obsessions with her. Sometimes she gets so quiet and I feel really REALLY awkward and sad... and troubled. I don't want her to turn away from me and I do know we're new friends. She has told me she LOVES listening to people and she had also told me that she likes questions about her personal life. She told me she has a hard time initiating conversations cause she doesn't know how/where to start or if the other person is interested with what she has to say. She doesn't want to trouble the other person so she just settles with listening to them or waits for them to ask questions. Though, I'm sure she feels like you do. Like the friendship isn't equally reciprocated. And I did think of that; the thought has indeed come to my mind, but I myself don't know what she really wants.

Like I said, she loves listening to people; but I assume that she would also like to talk. I ask her questions since, like mentioned, she also likes questions. When she replies, I then reply back with my opinion and then the conversation starts to revolve around me again. I can't help it since it's the internet and I am highly reliant on people's expressions to know what they really want/need.

And then there are times when I wonder 'what if my questions are too sensitive and it might hurt her'; so sometimes I just don't ask anything and just ramble about myself. I don't want to pry with her issues even if she said it was ok for her, but I don't want her to think that I'm too narcissistic because I keep on talking about myself. It's all so hard to predict, so I try to set aside my assumptions and do what I know she likes; that is talking about myself so she can listen to what I have to say. That way I don't hurt her and since it's all my opinions and experiences, she wouldn't take offense in them.

And before this ramble gets WAY too long, maybe your ENFJ is thinking like me? I'm sure you've talked with him about what you like to do, but personally, if he's like me, I'd need assurance that it is completely ok. I personally can't assume what she really wants and my concern for her makes me unsure of what I should really do. I may assume a lot of things, but I usually just go with what I know to keep on the safe side. Since I like her, I wouldn't want to hurt her in any way and I'd avoid that in every possible way.

I say, tell him what you feel. Talk about where this relationship is headed. I personally would love to hear what my INFP has to say. I also love listening, but I love talking as well. I'd shut-up for her, though. C:

 

[Berns321]

thank u all for the responce! they are so insiteful!
paperstars i think my situation is very similar to yours. while i was reading your post i just smiled to my sel and thought 'that makes so much sence'. i was thinking maybe he just isnt interested in what i have to say, but now that i think aout it he does ask me! and i always cut off because i scared and i think that he doesnt really care......but readingur post has given me confidence. im going to open up tohim more. i thinkwe are both scared of scarng the othr person off or getting hurt. but life is to short! and he has such a beautiful smile....=)

 

[Berns321]

sorry for the bad grammer and spelling Im writing this outta my shitty phone =P
but i feel so much better now xD

 

[Berns321]

Here to resurrect this post from the dead. xD

Amidst all this free time due to lock-down, after nearly a decade I logged back into my account and saw this post.

It really warmed my heart <3 I'm still with this dude (ENFJ) >,< It's funny to think of a time where I didn't know what to say around him.... He's ma best friend

 

[Phil]

Here to resurrect this post from the dead. xD

Amidst all this free time due to lock-down, after nearly a decade I logged back into my account and saw this post.

It really warmed my heart <3 I'm still with this dude (ENFJ) >,< It's funny to think of a time where I didn't know what to say around him.... He's ma best friend

That's so sweet I'm happy to hear it! roud: