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I think I’m so used to being the counselor and emotional soundboard for my friends that I can’t properly relate to those I would rather have as my lovers. I don’t open myself up as I should, I feel like I should be the “strong” one, and I don’t ever look to the other person for comfort, or share with them my worries. I’m fairly sure emotional intimacy within the context of a romantic relationship is an issue for me, and I’m having some trouble figuring out how to fix that. It makes me really awkward in romantic settings, and where someone ought to be more smooth about things, I end up verbally patting the person’s head and declining their hug with a handshake. :frustrating: How do I open myself?
 

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Does romance have to be "Here! Hold my bleeding heart and never let me go!!" ?

Can't it just be "I like you. You're fun, and I want to do nice things for you and see you smile again and again." ?

Maybe you just have to find somebody you feel that way about. They need to not be your little kid or use you as a sounding board. If someone is so insecure in themselves that they want you to appear insecure for them——well that just sucks! No one is strong at everything, but you can't build a strong relationship on mutual weakness! It doesn't work. I don't know why people see that as something attainable.

If you feel like patting them on the head, they obviously aren't your passionate and beneficial equal.

Just do what you want!
 

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Just keep doing it you'll figure out what's natural for you. I went in for a handshake once, and she came in for a kiss lol. Just keep trying, I learned a lot from my failures, or well...missed opportunities.
The issue is it feels like I'm in a rut, so to speak. I keep trying, but I end up in the same predicaments, which is wholly unlike me to not be able to understand where I'm making an error. :/
 

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Does romance have to be "Here! Hold my bleeding heart and never let me go!!" ?
This made me crack up! I was involved with someone like this before, I swore I would never go for something so dramatic again. :laughing:

Can't it just be "I like you. You're fun, and I want to do nice things for you and see you smile again and again." ?
I think I'm finding that this time around, but I can't figure out how to conduct myself in a non-platonic role. He doesn't look to me for everything nor use me as a soundboard, we just kick back and discuss weird topics and wax poetic about our careers and dreams. It's fairly ideal, but I feel like I'm not being reciprocal when it comes to displaying the trust I have in him (he tells me he trusts sme and tell me much that he don't share with others, but I find it harder to be vulnerable in return). I'm not used to it being a mutual exchange of confidence; my friends tend to not be my equals (though I am weeding out those because I realized a while ago that it's unhealthy for me).

I like him because of the ease and peace that we have with each other. Drama-free and relaxed. But it's almost as if I don't know what to do with myself because nothing needs fixing. Everything just IS. Damn the Healer in me. :frustrating: I want to send her on a long and permanent vacation, because she's wrecked things before. :unsure:
 
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This made me crack up! I was involved with someone like this before, I swore I would never go for something so dramatic again. :laughing:
Yuck!!! That's gross!


As for the rest, a statistic seems to come to mind in which INFPs are among the most likely to report marital dissatisfaction... Maybe they're dissatisfied because there always has to be a problem! Maybe you can focus on accepting the "is" and using the security of "is" to pursue your own "could be", to take that leap into the next big thing or project in your life. Then when you come across difficulty, you may find that you have something to open up about. Keep your life exciting!

I think you're fine. You may not feel reciprocal, but you're there, aren't you? I have the opposite problem where I share way too much and scare people away!! If I could just stop telling my dates that I like to sniff my dog...

I don't have any personal experience with the acceptance I speak of. There has always been a problem or project, and now I'm single:laughing: I always wanted someone that would make the world a better place with me, whether he played an active or supportive role. Because when you come home from saving the world, it feels good to have someone there waiting for you. Then you can just unwind and enjoy.
 
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Yuck!!! That's gross!


As for the rest, a statistic seems to come to mind in which INFPs are among the most likely to report marital dissatisfaction... Maybe they're dissatisfied because there always has to be a problem! Maybe you can focus on accepting the "is" and using the security of "is" to pursue your own "could be", to take that leap into the next big thing or project in your life. Then when you come across difficulty, you may find that you have something to open up about. Keep your life exciting!

I think you're fine. You may not feel reciprocal, but you're there, aren't you? I have the opposite problem where I share way too much and scare people away!! If I could just stop telling my dates that I like to sniff my dog...

I don't have any personal experience with the acceptance I speak of. There has always been a problem or project, and now I'm single:laughing: I always wanted someone that would make the world a better place with me, whether he played an active or supportive role. Because when you come home from saving the world, it feels good to have someone there waiting for you. Then you can just unwind and enjoy.
It really was, I think I gagged a couple times reading his texts to me. :bored:

Hmm...I see your point, and I like it! My life is definitely invigorating at the moment, which is why I'm even realizing that this is an issue, because past interests have wandered in when I'm stagnant and end up hyper focusing on them. Now that every day is quite literally filled to the top, I don't look to him for the 'excitement', but the tranquility. I should tell him this sometime.

I was about to say I don't know and caught myself looking ahead again. Yes, I am here. Slowly but surely I've gotten here, and it's not terrible. Hahaha, the poor little secrets of INFPs that never reach the light of the day. My 'love' is more prone to oversharing than I, which does make me comfortable enough to show my weirdness / craziness, but it hasn't yet become spontaneous.

What you describe sounds utterly amazing. I look forward to the day that I can call that experience mine forever. :blushed:
 
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I think I’m so used to being the counselor and emotional soundboard for my friends that I can’t properly relate to those I would rather have as my lovers. I don’t open myself up as I should, I feel like I should be the “strong” one, and I don’t ever look to the other person for comfort, or share with them my worries. I’m fairly sure emotional intimacy within the context of a romantic relationship is an issue for me, and I’m having some trouble figuring out how to fix that. It makes me really awkward in romantic settings, and where someone ought to be more smooth about things, I end up verbally patting the person’s head and declining their hug with a handshake. :frustrating: How do I open myself?
I have the exact same struggle. Recently, I've tried to be honest and just let them know... I sometimes struggle opening up and I'm scared. But, I care very much about you. Sometimes, I just can't show it, because of 'x' 'y' or 'z.'
 

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It really was, I think I gagged a couple times reading his texts to me. :bored:

Hmm...I see your point, and I like it! My life is definitely invigorating at the moment, which is why I'm even realizing that this is an issue, because past interests have wandered in when I'm stagnant and end up hyper focusing on them. Now that every day is quite literally filled to the top, I don't look to him for the 'excitement', but the tranquility. I should tell him this sometime.

I was about to say I don't know and caught myself looking ahead again. Yes, I am here. Slowly but surely I've gotten here, and it's not terrible. Hahaha, the poor little secrets of INFPs that never reach the light of the day. My 'love' is more prone to oversharing than I, which does make me comfortable enough to show my weirdness / craziness, but it hasn't yet become spontaneous.

What you describe sounds utterly amazing. I look forward to the day that I can call that experience mine forever. :blushed:
Now that sounds romantic!! :proud:
 
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I have the exact same struggle. Recently, I've tried to be honest and just let them know... I sometimes struggle opening up and I'm scared. But, I care very much about you. Sometimes, I just can't show it, because of 'x' 'y' or 'z.'
That might be a good start for me. Reassurance that I'm not crazy, I'm still healing, and also to gain reassurance that he won't chase me away if I reveal some battle scars.
 
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That might be a good start for me. Reassurance that I'm not crazy, I'm still healing, and also to gain reassurance that he won't chase me away if I reveal some battle scars.
I told someone, not too long ago (not verbetim): Sometimes, I really struggle to feel loved or liked, even when you tell me. It's because of difficulties in my life, and it's sometimes hard for me to accept, and I could use reassurance at times.

I think if any two partners work on their communication; these problems can be solved pretty easily :D then again, I'm overly honest.
 

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I told someone, not too long ago (not verbetim): Sometimes, I really struggle to feel loved or liked, even when you tell me. It's because of difficulties in my life, and it's sometimes hard for me to accept, and I could use reassurance at times.

I think if any two partners work on their communication; these problems can be solved pretty easily :D then again, I'm overly honest.
The second part is what I want to work on. So that I don't seek reassurance, it just feels like icing on the cake because I can SEE that I am cared for. I can doubt concrete evidence right in front of me, no matter the way it is conveyed to me. I subconsciously search for a deeper meaning when I should take things at face value and it's a struggle to observe and observe alone.
 
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The second part is what I want to work on. So that I don't seek reassurance, it just feels like icing on the cake because I can SEE that I am cared for. I can doubt concrete evidence right in front of me, no matter the way it is conveyed to me. I subconsciously search for a deeper meaning when I should take things at face value and it's a struggle to observe and observe alone.
I used to struggle with the same exact thing.

I thought, because I was really intuitive and good at understanding others, that they could understand me well too... But, it's not true. We need to learn to ask for help or really anything, especially when we really need it. Sometimes, we can solve years of problems with just a few words.

There's a great book that might help you. Non-Violent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg. He talks about this very well, and might help you :)
 

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I used to struggle with the same exact thing.

I thought, because I was really intuitive and good at understanding others, that they could understand me well too... But, it's not true. We need to learn to ask for help or really anything, especially when we really need it. Sometimes, we can solve years of problems with just a few words.

There's a great book that might help you. Non-Violent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg. He talks about this very well, and might help you :)
That's comforting to know it's something that can be undone, thank you for the suggestion, I'll check it out!
 

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I think I’m so used to being the counselor and emotional soundboard for my friends that I can’t properly relate to those I would rather have as my lovers. I don’t open myself up as I should, I feel like I should be the “strong” one, and I don’t ever look to the other person for comfort, or share with them my worries. I’m fairly sure emotional intimacy within the context of a romantic relationship is an issue for me, and I’m having some trouble figuring out how to fix that. It makes me really awkward in romantic settings, and where someone ought to be more smooth about things, I end up verbally patting the person’s head and declining their hug with a handshake. :frustrating: How do I open myself?
Some people are just more independent and self sufficient at it than others. I'm in the same boat as you, although i don't see it as an issue but more an issue people have with the way i operate. Sure if you feel unhappy functioning in this way then opening up is a great idea, but otherwise why? Romance is a social construct to standardize the way lovers behaving towards each other, while in reality there is no standard or specific way to show love or affection. Romance is so easy to be theatrical and dramatic that it loses its original meaning. I stay well away from anything romantic, when there is a hint of this there is always expectation or obligation. Thats not love, that's tradition.

I'd rather not meet a life partner if i have to compromise with them, if what i am compromising is to nurse their insecurities. They either come correct, or they don't. As much as i like people my time is limited here. There is always a certain distance when i love people, unless they prove me in a natural way that they are not a inhibitor to both of us.

I get the impression you feel bad for someone making an advancement on you and would like to change for them, and deep down your conflicted, but really your okay. Why change for anyone who is flawed?
 

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Some people are just more independent and self sufficient at it than others. I'm in the same boat as you, although i don't see it as an issue but more an issue people have with the way i operate. Sure if you feel unhappy functioning in this way then opening up is a great idea, but otherwise why? Romance is a social construct to standardize the way lovers behaving towards each other, while in reality there is no standard or specific way to show love or affection. Romance is so easy to be theatrical and dramatic that it loses its original meaning. I stay well away from anything romantic, when there is a hint of this there is always expectation or obligation. Thats not love, that's tradition.

I'd rather not meet a life partner if i have to compromise with them, if what i am compromising is to nurse their insecurities. They either come correct, or they don't. As much as i like people my time is limited here. There is always a certain distance when i love people, unless they prove me in a natural way that they are not a inhibitor to both of us.

I get the impression you feel bad for someone making an advancement on you and would like to change for them, and deep down your conflicted, but really your okay. Why change for anyone who is flawed?
I feel the same way! That's why romantic is in quotes in the title, but more of a double meaning, in the way of conducting myself in platonic vs 'romantic' dynamics. I would love to be able to describe the difference for me, but it's something more internal than external. But opening up is something I find myself unable to do in a romantic context, whereas platonically, I find it easy as pie.

I definitely don't want to compromise either, and to hurt the both of us in the process. A compromised me is a poor shell of a person, completely.

I'm not sure if it's me viewing them as flawed or more of me not allowing myself to be anything but 'flawless'. The ability to relax and not have to be Captain Save-A-H*e. :laughing:

Thank you for your thoughts. :)
 
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