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I am a sexual 5w4. It's a curse.
According to Eclectic Energies, "People of this personality type (5) essentially fear that they don't have enough inner strength to face life, so they tend to withdraw, to retreat into the safety and security of the mind where they can mentally prepare for their emergence into the world. Fives feel comfortable and at home in the realm of thought. " Then observe the paradox:You tend to retreat, yet you are yielding. You want the security of mind but deep down need to fight. You are an introverted, apparently unemotional observer who craves to have intimate connections and intense experiences.
I have always appreciated and envied the ones who lived a "full" life and pulled away the things it had to offer as much as possible, but can't be one of them. Something lacks in me. I am always the alien who observes and analyses the people on the earth without having the ability to emerge with them. It is like a permanent invisible icy wall separates me from others, no matter how I seem involved with them outwardly.
The sexuals want intimate one-to-one relationships and I'm unable to build and maintain one, because "people are strange/ when you're stranger". As simple and bitter as that. I fear losing my privacy and control, sure, however when I risk and put down my guards I come to realize that I am the stranger who isn't defined in the other party's book- with so different tastes and perceptions that makes it impossible to "really" further the relationship.
 

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I do not at all agree that being a sexual five is a disadvantage or is horrible. the suggestion irritates me. the original post was made by a mistyped person who is actually an eight, so honestly I don’t see how this entire thread could not be full of fail and yet of course it was necroed.

every single type has their struggles and whining about how hard everything is for you because you happen to be a sexual five is self brainwashing and reinforcing your limiting beliefs. if that is a valuable use of your time, I totally respect that but I personally would rather approach my life trying to figure out how to leverage my strengths.
 

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I love being the sx variant of 5. It gives me two speeds: withdrawn & assertive. It allows me to choose between detached & deeply connected. Given the nature of that 5 influence, I'm grateful to be the countertype who seeks out intensity. All or nothing is a hell of a balancing mechanism, lol, but it's better than none.
 

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I love being the sx variant of 5. It gives me two speeds: withdrawn & assertive. It allows me to choose between detached & deeply connected. Given the nature of that 5 influence, I'm grateful to be the countertype who seeks out intensity. All or nothing is a hell of a balancing mechanism, lol, but it's better than none.

From Dorothy L. Sayers' novel Gaudy Night:


Here then at home, by no more storms distrest,
Folding laborious hands we sit, wings furled;
Here in close perfume lies the rose-leaf curled,
Here the sun stands and knows not east nor west,
Here no tide runs; we have come, last and best,
From the wide zone in dizzying circles hurled
To that still centre where the spinning world;
Sleeps on its axis, to the heart of rest.

Lay on thy whips, O Love, that we upright,
Poised on the perilous point, in no lax bed
May sleep, as tension at the verberant core
Of music sleeps; for, if thou spare to smite,
Staggering, we stoop, stooping, fall dumb and dead,
And, dying so, sleep our sweet sleep no more.

...

So. So there was the turn she had vainly sought for the sestet! Her beautiful, big, peaceful humming-top turned to a whip-top, and sleeping, as it were, upon compulsion. (And, damn him! how dared he pick up her word “sleep” and use it four times in as many lines, and each time in a different foot, as though juggling with the accent-shift were child’s play? And drag out the last half-line with those great, heavy, drugged, drowsy monosyllables contradicting the sense so as to deny their own contradiction? It was not one of the world’s great sestets, but it was considerably better than her own octave: which was monstrous of it.)
But if she wanted an answer to her questions about Peter, there it was, quite appallingly plain. He did not want to forget, or to be quiet, or to be spared things, or to stay put. All he wanted was some kind of central stability, and he was apparently ready to take anything that came along, so long as it stimulated him to keep that precarious balance. And of course, if he really felt like that, everything he had ever said or done, as far as she was concerned, was perfectly consistent. “Mine is only a balance of opposing forces.”…“What does it matter if it hurts like hell, so long as it makes a good book?”… “What is the use of making mistakes if you don’t make use of them?”… “Feeling like Judas is part of the job.”…“The first thing a principle does is to kill somebody.”… If that was his attitude, it was clearly ridiculous to urge him, in kindly tones, to stand aside for fear he might get a rap over the shins.

 
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I am a sexual 5w4. It's a curse.
"People of this personality type (5) essentially fear that they don't have enough inner strength to face life, so they tend to withdraw, to retreat into the safety and security of the mind where they can mentally prepare for their emergence into the world. Fives feel comfortable and at home in the realm of thought. " Then observe the paradox:You tend to retreat, yet you are yielding. You want the security of mind but deep down need to fight. You are an introverted, apparently unemotional observer who craves to have intimate connections and intense experiences.
I have always appreciated and envied the ones who lived a "full" life and pulled away the things it had to offer as much as possible, but can't be one of them. Something lacks in me. I am always the alien who observes and analyses the people on the earth without having the ability to emerge with them. It is like a permanent invisible icy wall separates me from others, no matter how I seem involved with them outwardly.
The sexuals want intimate one-to-one relationships and I'm unable to build and maintain one, because "people are strange/ when you're stranger". As simple and bitter as that. I fear losing my privacy and control, sure, however when I risk and put down my guards I come to realize that I am the stranger who isn't defined in the other party's book- with so different tastes and perceptions that makes it impossible to "really" further the relationship.
Holy shit, I was going to write my own post, but somebody else beat me to it! And they even quote The Doors. I've identified with that line since I was a kid. I almost thought that I had made an account on this website years ago, written that post, and forgotten all about it (I've had that happen to me before, haha).
 

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I love Fives. My ex of seven years was a five and my current boyfriend of a year and a half is a 5w6 sx/sp. Aside from the fact that he physically caught my eye, his timid quietness is what really attracted me. Having a 5wing myself and being sp/sx I'm drawn to the quiet wallflowers; I definitely have a type! I enjoy the logical approach to conversation and slowly getting to know a person and with fives, it's a slow process but so rewarding when I am given small glimpses into who they are. I certainly understand the frustrations that some people may find in relationships with fives and feeling detached or left wondering, my boyfriend has never "intentionally" complimented me once or gotten emotionally mushy but then I often find flattery to be suspicious, uncomfortable and insincere; he shows his interest in startlingly affectionate ways and can be surprisingly gentle and sweet without having to say a word. This, to me, speaks volumes.
 

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Yeah, I think you've touched on some of the "freedom" of being 5w4. Yes, it's difficult because of the opposing desires for intimacy, yet also being detached - but the desire for "intensity" of experience is not just intensity in relationships. It's intensity in various experiences. For me, it can take the form of (be fulfilled by) writing with intensity (or about something I'm very passionate about), intense physical exercise, intense connection with another person, feeling that I'm playing a vital/important role in an important project with bigger meaning, etc. It can take me overboard too, in all of these instances, because I will be so entirely wrapped up in it to the point that I will give it 200% of my effort. But, yes, you're right - when the intensity kicks in, it is sort of "unbound" by things like norms and security. It throws caution to the wind and says, "Sky is the limit. Let's just engage fully and make it happen."

I think 5w4 sx's can be very serene (even lazy, like a cat), but once they get "passionate" about something, nothing can really stop them. The intensity breaks through whatever walls or obstacles that happen to be in the way. It becomes anti-lazy...total engagement.
This really resonated with me. I can relate.
 

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Yes, it's a very difficult task and, for me, it gave me a heightened sense of awareness of the fact that I didn't know or couldn't know all the ways in which such a decision might affect me and/or the world around me.

What really helped me in this task was to look at all the topics that interested me, the things I was researching on my own anyway, looking for the thread that united my interests. There was a theme among them though it didn't become totally apparent until recently. Even after I had mused that being a writer was my path, it was such a monumental decision that I grew sporadic and began to muse all the other avenues I might take instead. What if I would prefer to be a scuba diver or a hotel manager or a restaurant owner or a political activist or an academic or a lawyer or a doctor, etc. etc.? I entertained these options realistically. Side note here, entertaining an option realistically is not the same as entertaining a notion (which has always come naturally--day dreams about what it would be like to be someone else or do something is a great indulgence of mine). When I entertained the notions of actually going to school and committing myself to these other vocations and reminded myself that one does not become a lawyer, doctor, activist,--anything at all--over night, I was able to look at them realistically. It would be wonderful to be any of these professions, I would be good at it, each has its own advantages but is it worth the extensive sacrifice? Is it what I do naturally on my own anyway? The answer came back with a resounding "no." But writing is what I do on my own anyway. Writing, imagining far off places and what it would be like to be someone else and experience something spectacular, learning about the world and then watching as my inner world expands and flourishes with the new found information like seeds sprouting new whims, new ways of looking at the world, new ways to unravel complexities and create new ideas for stories and exploration---that is what I do and that is exactly what one must do as a writer.

My advice is simply to figure out what it is that you enjoy unraveling. I think it's best to determine whether you prefer the arts or sciences. That should narrow it down a bit. Personally, I've always loved stories, literature, and beautiful ideas. If you can't decide between the two, I suggest looking into philosophy or psychology which are concerned with both. I sometimes still consider becoming a psychologist but I really hate school. I think school favors Te a lot more than Ti because it really feels like I'm pushing against the grain when I have to prove everything. Why can't they just hear what I say, mull it over, and consider how I arrived there? It's so much more fun that way for all people involved.

I think the key is to figure out what you're naturally inclined to think about, what kinds of fantasies you indulge in--the shapes and patterns of water molecules, light and sound? Perhaps physics is a good direction for you. When it comes to something that requires extensive training and hoops to jump through, it's important to remind yourself what you're doing it for and give yourself plenty of time to yourself each day to indulge in what you want to explore and think about. It's just unreasonable to expect yourself to be happy thinking about what someone else told you to think about all day everyday.

Also, for me, as an Ne user, I prefer to start big and then gradually fill in the details as I go along. For some, gathering bits of information gives them clues to the bigger picture of where they're going. I had a general direction in that I realized that ideally, I would have an occupation where I would use my talents, feel energized at the end of the day, be in charge of my own thoughts and directions, be in charge of my own hours, be somewhat of an entrepreneur, be creative, be in charge of my project, and provide some good or service to other people. These might seem like overly idealistic desires and who wouldn't want all these things? But the truth is some people have other priorities in their vocational choices. Other people's priorities include: clear structured guidelines, financial security, benefits, job security, etc. These weren't as high on my list if they had been, I might have been more drawn to psychologist due to my personal passions.

In conclusion, the more you explore, the more you discover about yourself, the world, and whatever else it is that you happened to be inclined to, the more the thread that unites your passions and the subsequent obvious next step in your path will become clear. Remember to follow your own muse, it's not wrong to have a passion or curiosity that seems odd or bizarre to others, the stranger it is the more likely that you're venturing upon an undiscovered path which might serve a tremendous asset to society at large and, therefore, be of benefit to you and others in the future.

I believe that answers both questions 1 and 2. :)



Yes, there are so many consequences and possibilities when you give your heart to someone. Will they cut you down? Will they hate everything you have to say? Will they think you're weird? or crazy? Sometimes my boyfriend acts like I'm crazy. Thankfully, he doesn't outright reject me and shies away from actually saying it outright because he loves me. lol. Still, when he acts that way, I feel the need to discuss the matter, seeing his skepticism as an indication that he's not fully grasping the underlying meaning of what I said. After further discussion, he might not agree with me but the matter of my sanity becomes more fully understood. lol.



I'm glad that I could be of service. :)
I went through a similar process myself, couldn't figure out what I should do, what I wanted to do. I examined everything I've been interested in, discarded those passions that passed and looked at what connected everything together. It was psychology, specifically personality, cognition and evolutionary biology. Everything I've been passionate about in terms of learning has been to understand the human mind and those things that extend from it (culture, art, creativity, mental illness). So now I study that, and although I'm quite old now and it''ll take me a while to get any use out of the studies it's what I need to do. I spend a lot of my time learning this anyway, I might as well make it the focus of my life.

Incidentally I'm an Ne user too, tough I'm 99% sure I'm INFP not INTP. My Ti is temperamental and not consistent but my knowledge of what is right and wrong for me is instinctual. I'm still trying to figure out if I'm 4w5 or 5w4 because the competing parts are really confusing in me, but I'm leaning on 5w4 now due to my need to understand thing. I'm most certainly Sx/Sp/So though. A lot of what's written in this thread hits home.
 

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I do not at all agree that being a sexual five is a disadvantage or is horrible. the suggestion irritates me. the original post was made by a mistyped person who is actually an eight, so honestly I don’t see how this entire thread could not be full of fail and yet of course it was necroed.

every single type has their struggles and whining about how hard everything is for you because you happen to be a sexual five is self brainwashing and reinforcing your limiting beliefs. if that is a valuable use of your time, I totally respect that but I personally would rather approach my life trying to figure out how to leverage my strengths.
The O.P. Was dead on
I’m a 5w6 sp and the posts on the 1st page were spot on
 

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The O.P. Was dead on
I’m a 5w6 sp and the posts on the 1st page were spot on
cool.
even though this comment of mine is two years old, I’m still going to have to stand by my original opinion that it doesn’t suck anymore than any other type to be a 5. and to pretend that we are uniquely disadvantaged in the world because we are five is at the very best extremely boring as a perspective.
 

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I'm a 5w4 sx/sp, and I really can't say that it's "the worst." (However, I've never been another type, so I can't say for certain.) I do understand where the original poster was coming from, as the 5's need to withdraw and the sexual instinct's drive to connect/experience can be quite a source of stress and conflict. People are both my greatest enjoyment and my biggest bane. I'm drawn towards them (certain ones in particular... there's usually some sort of "chemistry" that allows me to single out a potential friend), but I have to spend time alone to recharge.

My life has been peppered with "dart-throwing" relationships. A spark flies, I think we might connect, it doesn't work out, we go our separate ways. Sometimes the dart sticks to the board and a fantastic friendship is born—but I can count those on one hand. It can be painful and confusing to think that so few people connect with me. The 5's need to understand/figure out is, at least in my case, directed towards the person of interest. If I can predict how they'll react they won't be able to overwhelm me. That's not true, of course, and as I've gotten older the need to fully understand and even to make that "special confidant connection" has lessened quite a bit.

So, yes, it certainly can be a torturous process, even "the worst." But this is only because our personality is blocking us from our true selves. When we learn to relax our egos, we can begin to see just how crippling its demands are.
 

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I'm a 5w4 sx/sp, and I really can't say that it's "the worst." (However, I've never been another type, so I can't say for certain.) I do understand where the original poster was coming from, as the 5's need to withdraw and the sexual instinct's drive to connect/experience can be quite a source of stress and conflict. People are both my greatest enjoyment and my biggest bane. I'm drawn towards them (certain ones in particular... there's usually some sort of "chemistry" that allows me to single out a potential friend), but I have to spend time alone to recharge.

My life has been peppered with "dart-throwing" relationships. A spark flies, I think we might connect, it doesn't work out, we go our separate ways. Sometimes the dart sticks to the board and a fantastic friendship is born—but I can count those on one hand. It can be painful and confusing to think that so few people connect with me. The 5's need to understand/figure out is, at least in my case, directed towards the person of interest. If I can predict how they'll react they won't be able to overwhelm me. That's not true, of course, and as I've gotten older the need to fully understand and even to make that "special confidant connection" has lessened quite a bit.

So, yes, it certainly can be a torturous process, even "the worst." But this is only because our personality is blocking us from our true selves. When we learn to relax our egos, we can begin to see just how crippling its demands are.
that last paragraph homie. well said.
this gives me hope for humanity. it just takes a little consciousness to see the ego and move past its lies.
we need that to evolve as a race.
 

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Time to reanimate this thread lol.

I am a INFJ 5w4 (Sx/Sp/So). I know the "sexual" instinct is primarily known for its intensity in relationships, but I primarily see that instinct coming out in basically everything I do. If I pick a subject to become invested to, I can't stop working on something until I know every single facate in how it works. This makes me seem extremely passionate in almost everything I do. Unfortunately because of that tendency, I tend to "burn myself out" frequently, and require quite a bit of time alone.

I think a little also comes from life experiences. In my example, I spent the vast majority of my childhood by myself because my family constantly was on the move. I am used to being by myself, so even though I crave an intimate relationship, some part of me just wants to run the other direction whenever one has the possibility of sprouting. It is a constant push and pull dynamic that makes me even more isolated.
It is a very difficult thing to pull yourself out of. So I can definitely relate to the difficulty of being a sexual 5w4.

However, there are a lot of strengths that can come out of it.

For example, I know a lot of people are attracted to the passion a sexual 5w4 has. I have to highlight the wording used here. Not just simply "knowledge", but passion. Many of the people I know saw me as reserved guy who would often be just jotting notes down in a journal, but after a while, they would start to ask for my perspective on things. People are attracted to passion and intensity and many 5s have troubles in this regard, so try not to sell yourself short.

I also think any sexual 5 (5w4 even more so) has the tendency to be suprisingly really romantic. I've never been in a relationship myself, and I am often the most awkward SOB in the room, but I often imagine myself doing things for the sake of romance. For example, I don't have a car since I live by myself, and pay for college entirely by myself (no student loans), I just can't simply afford one. That means whenever I have to get groceries or whatever, I have to walk despite the weather conditions.
Despite all of this, an example would be that I am entirely okay with walking outside in the middle of -40 C blizzard conditions to get my (imaginary) girlfriend some flowers at the market. It sounds crazy, but everytime I walk to the market and see the flowers, I imagine the scenario quietly in my head, among others.
One of the main reasons I practice martial arts is so if it comes down to it, I can protect my (potential future) spouse and my kids from danger, and to be a better man because of it.
A little corny? Sure. But I think displays like that can go a long way in any romantic relationship. While these "scenarios" have never played out in reality, they sure do give me some great ideas lol.

If a sexual 5w4 can drop the idealized version of the partner they want (which admittedly, is something I am currently working on), I believe they can make great romantic partners, and can potentially bypass many of the issues most 5s have. There is a great potential to be had there, you just have to foster and harness its strengths.

I know I'm late to the party, but try to work on emphasizing your strengths, instead of wallowing in your weaknesses. First, gain some confidence in yourself (especially start working out).
 

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ENTP 5w6 So/Sx 584 ILE Honorary INTJ
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I would think being a social 5 would be far worse. At least a sexual 5 can be choosy.

I'm a 5w6 So/Sx 584 ENTP. It took me years to understand how to socialize appropriately, and as much as I like being on my own, I miss having connections with others (especially now). I have this urge to be involved in other peoples' lives and then I also want to pull back in fear I'll be overwhelmed by their drama. It is a serious "push-pull" sort of feeling.
 
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