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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
First of all I'd like to make a disclaimer. Please do not pull the "they only want one thing from you" card, this is about me, not them.


I've noticed lately that boys around my age (I'm 16) have never peaked my interest, and I have started to talk to older men. When I say older I mean *20s.

I have never actually gone through with having relations with any of them, sexually or romantically, but I do enjoy the leading up to that. I enjoy spending time with them more than boys my age (I specify boys because I am still attracted to females my age), and seem to be on a more similar level, minus the stages in life we are at.

Is this normal for girls my age?
Anyone my age who can relate?
Anyone want to share personal experiences (either males who have formed relations with drastically younger girls, or females who have formed relations with drastically older men), or ideas on why this may be?
Is this an ENFP thing?

Once again I'm really not looking to be told such sexual relations are illegal (I'm aware, and I have not had sexual relations with anyone...at all actually), or that they only want one thing (I'm pretty good at picking up when they do, and even if they do, just flirting with them and leading them on is fun), or that they will end up being controlling, emotionally abusive, etc (I have dealt with emotional abuse before I know how to handle it and myself).

Rather, I am just looking to discuss being a young female who is attracted to older men.
 

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I have always been attracted to older men. I used to agonize over why that was the case and now I know it is due to childhood issues. My father was emotionally abusive and distant so my attraction to older men was a way to get older male approval. In a way it was also an attempt to replay my relationship with my father in order to get closure by doing better and getting that validation.

I am still attracted to older men but now it is because I value the maturity and experience they bring to the table. I no longer want them to fill a void.
 

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Here is the problem I see with age gaps when its school aged vs adults, its the major gap in experience, hormones, and relating.

I do have personal experience yes. I was 16 when I ran away from home and moved in with my 22 year old boyfriend. At first he was very charming, but that was all at first. By the time I seen him for alot more of the person he was I was alot more dependent on him. Originally he welcomed me and showered me with gifts affection, etc, but that did very subtly gradually change. What happened was it started to transfer into leverage which he was clever about being subtle about using, which gives power and control. Guilt trips were frequently attached "look at everything I have done for you" (lol I have to laugh now 15+ years later actually as he didnt do anything for me his parents paid his bills all we did was party at originally.). Anyways just around the time I had enough of his bull shit and was ready to leave him as he was starting to turn into a junkie, I found out I was pregnant. We went thru another year of my trying to make things work for our daughter, but I got tired of dealing with this persons baggage, who originally did present himself as a competent person, who could handle his life, and presented himself as older and wiser, with more finesse, turned into someone that wanted a doormat & wanted to be taken care of lol talk about a transfer in roles from what the original appeal he presented was.

Fun story huh, arent older men who seek school aged girls glamorous.

Lol yes I realize not all stories end as terrible as the one I just said, but some food for thought....
I am not personally offended by age gaps, when its with in certain realms. Heres the thing tho you may be talking to an exception its highly unlikely that the 30 year old that is talking up highschool sophmores has much going for them. Like I said theres exceptions but hmmm.

Another thing no I would not have said they want only one thing implying sex, they can get sex from whomever, the appeal is not just in sex, its in the eagerness in most cases.

Now I would really like to emphasize that I do not have a problem with age gaps when its with adults. What I mean by adults is the younger party being bare minimum 18 plus, but really I say 21+ in most cases.

I date older now, much older, but I am not out of my league. I was out of my league in the full grasp of the situation when I was 16 with the 22 yr old.

So I say by all means have fun date older, but wait til you have some life experience.

Things to consider that tie you down if you get serious with someone older, they will discourage alot of age appropriate single fun you should go and have while your young, theres a certain level of false praises that come where they brag up how women their own age arent as cool and then they list a bunch of domestic or pleasing things that center and focus around them.

Again I know there are exceptions but more often then not I would say most of what I said is spot on for the type that seek out school aged girls that are old enough to go drink to old enough to have been your parent if they had a kid at 15.

Again not offended at age gaps, but really disturbed at the thought of what I imagine to be emotionally stunted men trying to get with a high school sophomore. They usually are actually not mature (for their own age group)

And spare me the I am really mature for my age, or experienced. I was not naive in life and was mature for my age to, so I understand some of the appeal, its still puts 'you' at a disadvantage in terms of certain tables and playing fields thats all there is to it. But its all smoke in mirrors til your older and can handle it.

You can say spare you the lecture on abuse or control and say you have experienced it, but you asked for peoples input with the experience. I had been exposed to abuse prior to. Abusers dont generally come and act like dicks on the first day its a gradual thing. And the most vulnerable are people who have been abused.

Theres my meandering opinion.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Cinnamon83:16969450 said:
Here is the problem I see with age gaps when its school aged vs adults, its the major gap in experience, hormones, and relating.

I do have personal experience yes. I was 16 when I ran away from home and moved in with my 22 year old boyfriend. At first he was very charming, but that was all at first. By the time I seen him for alot more of the person he was I was alot more dependent on him. Originally he welcomed me and showered me with gifts affection, etc, but that did very subtly gradually change. What happened was it started to transfer into leverage which he was clever about being subtle about using, which gives power and control. Guilt trips were frequently attached "look at everything I have done for you" (lol I have to laugh now 15+ years later actually as he didnt do anything for me his parents paid his bills all we did was party at originally.). Anyways just around the time I had enough of his bull shit and was ready to leave him as he was started to turn into a junkie, I found out I was pregnant. We went thru another year of my trying to make things work for our daughter, but I got tired of dealing with this persons baggage, who originally did present himself as a competent person, who could handle his life, and presented himself as older and wiser, with more finesse, turned into someone that wanted a doormat.

Fun story huh, arent older men glamorous.

Lol yes I realize not all stories end as terrible as the one I just said, but some food for thought....
I am not personally offended by age gaps, when its with in certain realms. Heres the thing tho you may be talking to an exception its highly unlikely that the 30 year old that is talking up highschool sophmores has much going for them. Like I said theres exceptions but hmmm.

Another thing no I would not have said they want only one thing implying sex, they can get sex from whomever, the appeal is not just in sex, its in the eagerness in most cases.

Now I would really like to emphasize that I do not have a problem with age gaps when its with adults. What I mean by adults is the younger party being bare minimum 1 plus, but really I say 21+ in most cases.

I date older now, much older, but I am not out of my league. I was out of my league in the full grasp of the situation when I was 16 with the 22 yr old.

So I say by all means have fun date older, but wait til you have some life experience.

Things to consider that tie you down if you get serious with someone older, they will discourage alot of age appropriate single fun you should go and have while your young, theres a certain level of false praises that come where they brag up how women their own age arent as cool and then they list a bunch of domestic or pleasing things that center and focus around them.

Again I know there are exceptions but more often then not I would say most of what I said is spot on for the type that seek out school aged girls that are old enough to go drink to old enough to have been your parent if they had a kid at 15.

Again not offended at age gaps, but really disturbed at the thought of what I imagine to be emotionally stunted men trying to get with a high school sophomore.

And spare me the I am really mature for my age, or experienced. I was not naive in life and was mature for my age to, so I understand some of the appeal, its still puts 'you' at a disadvantage in terms of certain tables and playing fields thats all tere is to it. But its all smoke in mirrors til your older and can handle it.

Theres my meandering opinion.
Yes I do not ever actually plan on forming a relationship with any of the guys I have talked to for these reasons. Also just realized the oldest I have actually talked to was 26, not that it's that big of a difference, I am just more attracted and am in a more similar mindspace, besides on things affected by age, with older men. Primarily at least, I drop them once they start to talk about forming a relationship or they prove themselves boring.

I cannot say whether they just wanted to take advantage of me, or they genuinely thought I was older. People often guess I'm 18 at the youngest. However I do acknowledge that the initial option is very (more) possible.

My latest endeavor was a 26 year old man (oldest and longest time spent talking), I thought he was 22-23 when we met. We had started to create a pretty close friendly flirty relationship, and after quite a while of knowing eachother, he asked what kind of a relationship I wanted with him, and he would be fine with it being purely friendly as he enjoyed my company so much he wouldn't pass it up just because I was not ready to date him. He also stressed that it was completely valid if the 10 YEAR AGE GAP made me uncomfortable.
He did seem a little off though. By coincidence I may have found out he was an ex heroin addict, which could likely explain it (it really isn't obvious though, trust me, I'm not that stupid).
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I really feel like I should stress once again that I am not going to do anything with any of the men I talk to.
At all.
Ever.

It is just fun to talk to them for a while, even if the similarites in character are all a facade.
 

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older man here
[clears throat] it's more then likely they act more mature then your counterparts
when i was a wee little bastard i would hang out with the older crowd only because i could relate to them more
this is not uncommon
 

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I relate. I definitely relate. I was just thinking about this actually, how boring it usually is to chat with boys my age. Awkward, stinted, too polite or too casual.

This usually happens to me when I'm bored and I find myself on omegle. I'm really picky with who to talk to because I really dislike small talk and those dead conversations. When the conversations does pick up, becomes interesting, and exciting, I find out that it's usually men in their 20s as well.

I'm an sx-dom and I find that I get that connection just from those conversations. I wasn't looking for a relationship either. I just needed to satisfy this urge to connect with someone and have a stimulating conversation online because I was too lazy to go outside. To clarify, I never have nor ever will seek relationships this way.

Bottomline, it is just more intellectual and better somehow.

I don't know if this is an ENFP thing, but I am an INFP, so maybe, xNFP thing? Either way, I guess you're not alone. :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Vinniebob:16971018 said:
older man here
[clears throat] it's more then likely they act more mature then your counterparts
when i was a wee little bastard i would hang out with the older crowd only because i could relate to them more
this is not uncommon
Yeah the friends I mesh best with are 19+, and even then I find my best friend who's 19 to be rather immature and childish most of the time, but that's also just part of her character.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
mrhcmll:16971026 said:
I'm really picky with who to talk to because I really dislike small talk and those dead conversations.
Absolutely! It seems to happen so often, and conversations become repetitive. When I do manage to pull acquaintances or new friends into a legitimate conversation, however, 40% of the time they comment about how that was the "deepest conversation they've had in so long," or end up getting angry when we debate, like I couldn't imagine! I need conversational stimulation, rather than talking about nothing at all.
 

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I think some times young people are attracted to the power and control of someone slightly older. I was actually dismayed that my younger guy eventually showed he had a fantasy of me as some sort of sexy mummy or big sister. Not that he actually vocalized this, but it became apparent that he liked my competence as much as my eyes or my boobs. His mother was single for most of his childhood, and is an insanely controlling human being, but beautiful and young looking and sexy for her age, kind of a Sarah Palin character. Kind of weirdly old fashioned, hot, mother of a bunch of kids, slightly delusional but remarkably capable. She eventually started her own business in her 40s, when he was about ten or twelve. His favorite sister is similar, an ISTJ, quieter, less controlling, but more competent than some people twice her age. He's attracted to my independence and competence. He wants to be the baby, sort of, not always, but believes that women should be strong.

Why would I go for much younger? I am afraid of men controlling me openly. ..and I have dated men of different ages, but have never liked MUCH older. I go younger now before older, though I don't want to go as young next time I really ...enjoy...some one.

So it's partly psychological I think. It's neither normal nor abnormal (unless you like children or the elderly, who don't produce proper sex hormones physically).
 

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You could be more mature for your age. The guys I get on well with are usually around fifteen years older than me and that was the reason I realised for myself.
 

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Absolutely! It seems to happen so often, and conversations become repetitive. When I do manage to pull acquaintances or new friends into a legitimate conversation, however, 40% of the time they comment about how that was the "deepest conversation they've had in so long," or end up getting angry when we debate, like I couldn't imagine! I need conversational stimulation, rather than talking about nothing at all.
I have a feeling you're an Sx-dom. I get those comments as well. And maybe perhaps when we're older our peers would be as stimulating as older people are?

The topics I love to cover are usually the ones that need opinions and conviction. Makes it all the more interesting. Talking to my peers about LGBT rights or thoughts on religion or something along those lines just doesn't work. Most of them hardly know anything about it at all. Maybe we're just too mature for our age. A lot of people have told me that.

The only people I get to have these kinds of conversations with within my age are my ENTP female friend and this INTJ male acquaintance. Though him and I don't usually converse.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
mrhcmll:16971802 said:
I have a feeling you're an Sx-dom. I get those comments as well. And maybe perhaps when we're older our peers would be as stimulating as older people are?
What's an Sx-dom? To be quite frank when you first said Sx-dom I thought it was a kind of dominatrix. Yes I'm hoping as life goes on peers just kind of come to be at a similar level, I don't doubt it. We just gotta wait it out and converse with grown men while we're waiting I suppose. *Jeopardy time song plays*

The topics I love to cover are usually the ones that need opinions and conviction. Makes it all the more interesting. Talking to my peers about LGBT rights or thoughts on religion or something along those lines just doesn't work. Most of them hardly know anything about it at all. Maybe we're just too mature for our age. A lot of people have told me that.

The only people I get to have these kinds of conversations with within my age are my ENTP female friend and this INTJ male acquaintance. Though him and I don't usually converse.
Yeah I really lack people who can converse on such subjects, especially ones that can so easily turn personal if one doesn't know how to make a conversation or debate about their own personal views. Which I mean is fun for a while, however I like to look at things such as LGBT rights, and religion as a whole. Of course stemming from a personal opinion, but covering the mass rather than what directly affects me.

Can I ask how old you are?

I'm sorry if that post made no sense I'm almost asleep.
 

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@kittenbells
there is nothing wrong with being attracted to older men, that said, this is a situation you have to be careful in
- what is the age of consent in your state/country? if you are below it, it's best to wait.
- even if you are of consenting age, exchanging nude pictures over the internet with any under 18 is still illegal (even if he is 19 and you are 17)
- as I'm sure you know, not every man who reciprocates your affections is going to be some predatory manipulator. that said, while you may be mature for your age, you will want to make sure you are not naive. I suggest reading a few books on power and manipulation (Robert Greene's books are wonderful. if nothing else, read the 48 Laws of Power)
- do not tease people whom you cannot legally have a relationship with....that's just mean lol
- do not, under any circumstances, EVER lie about your age. such actions not only put you in danger, they also put the other party (who believes you are a consenting adult) in jeopardy of becoming a sex offender
- be wary of anyone who wants to shower you with gifts. this is often a manipulative behavior

other than that, use condoms and get tested regularly =)

as for being attracted to older men in general. I can't really blame you. I've slept with a lot of guys a few years younger than me and they are a pain in the ass (I am a top, so no pun intended lmao!). younger guys tend to be very passive and lack clear communication skills. you are probably attracted to men who possess some degree of power and authority, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with this.
 

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It's not uncommon. I like to learn from people, and older people often have more experience, so a lot of my friends are a bit older than me. I'm nineteen and at university... most of my friends are between 20 and 23 years old, with the oldest being 28. That has something to do with most new people that I meet being between 17 and 30 years old too, of course.

Of course, this has little to do with the question, as I'm talking about friends, and I'm not generally attracted to anyone.

Most people that I have a positive opinion about think that I'm older than I actually am (They often think I'm between 21 and 23 years old when the topic comes up.) whereas people that I dislike often think I'm younger. I think that has something to do with what they focus on: the first group registers the way I talk and reason, the ideas I have, and the confidence that I have that everything will work out and sees an older person, while the second group sees a quiet girl wearing practical clothes and not wearing makeup, and sees a younger person. Perception is fun.
 

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What's an Sx-dom?
Oh it's Enneagram related. If you don't want to get into it it's fine, but the information is here. Broaden your awareness, and all that. Enneagram is pretty interesting.

Ooh, did you think I thought you were a dominatrix seeking older, submissive men for a moment there? :)

And by that, you mean conversing objectively about something pressing in a general, greater than life kind of scheme? I'm groggy too, forgive me. I'm sixteen
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 · (Edited)
Swordsman of Mana:16972098 said:
@kittenbells
there is nothing wrong with being attracted to older men, that said, this is a situation you have to be careful in
- what is the age of consent in your state/country? if you are below it, it's best to wait.
- even if you are of consenting age, exchanging nude pictures over the internet with any under 18 is still illegal (even if he is 19 and you are 17)
- as I'm sure you know, not every man who reciprocates your affections is going to be some predatory manipulator. that said, while you may be mature for your age, you will want to make sure you are not naive. I suggest reading a few books on power and manipulation (Robert Greene's books are wonderful. if nothing else, read the 48 Laws of Power)
- do not tease people whom you cannot legally have a relationship with....that's just mean lol
- do not, under any circumstances, EVER lie about your age. such actions not only put you in danger, they also put the other party (who believes you are a consenting adult) in jeopardy of becoming a sex offender
- be wary of anyone who wants to shower you with gifts. this is often a manipulative behavior

other than that, use condoms and get tested regularly =)

as for being attracted to older men in general. I can't really blame you. I've slept with a lot of guys a few years younger than me and they are a pain in the ass (I am a top, so no pun intended lmao!). younger guys tend to be very passive and lack clear communication skills. you are probably attracted to men who possess some degree of power and authority, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with this.
I am not going to have sexual relations with anyone I am not legally allowed to, including via the internet.

I have a lot of experience, personally and not, with power dynamic/manipulation, and if I can be honest, although I do really appreciate people looking out for me, it starts to sound like a broken record (this isn't directed solely at you because you've already said it but if other people could not bring it up that would be lovely).

Eh a grown man will bounce back from getting teased by a 16 year old girl. I get a thrill out of making them think I pine after them, truthfully.

I am very straight forward about my age, I don't tell them straight up but the second they ask I tell them. Which is usually quickly.
The one time I recall lying about my age I was 15 and it was to a gay man because I thought he wouldn't let me drink wine out of his backpack with him if he knew my age so I told him I was 17 to which he replied he thought I was older. hahaha
But yeah I don't lie about that.

Again, I'm aware what manipulative behaviour looks like. I really do appreciate you telling me though, because not everyone does *know.

*E; What's this about power and authority? Can you explain that?
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 · (Edited)
mrhcmll:16972274 said:
Oh it's Enneagram related. If you don't want to get into it it's fine, but the information is here. Broaden your awareness, and all that. Enneagram is pretty interesting.

Ooh, did you think I thought you were a dominatrix seeking older, submissive men for a moment there? :)
No when you mentioned it in your original post, which left me really confused because you mentioned talking to men in their 20s and I thought cleary if you were a dominatrix that wouldn't be much of an age gap.
But then I looked at it more and thought it was another typeology.

But yeah figuring out my type in different personality indicators has always intrigued me because they always open me up to things about myself that I never realized (I'm not very self-aware until certain things about me are brought up) so thank you I actually am going to look into that.

And by that, you mean conversing objectively about something pressing in a general, greater than life kind of scheme? I'm groggy too, forgive me. I'm sixteen
I suppose, yes. I love talking about things with people who agree with me but debating opposing opinions really gets me pumped, I think because I learn more from it.
 

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I am not going to have sexual relations with anyone I am not legally allowed to, including via the internet.
good (I should have read the OP more carefully), that's the safer and less complicated path. in the mean time, enjoy carpet munching :tongue:

I have a lot of experience, personally and not, with power dynamic/manipulation, and if I can be honest, although I do really appreciate people looking out for me, it starts to sound like a broken record (this isn't directed solely at you because you've already said it but if other people could not bring it up that would be lovely).
fair enough. in that case, could you re-clarify exactly what you wanted to talk about (or re-direct me if you have don't so already)

Eh a grown man will bounce back from getting teased by a 16 year old girl. I get a thrill out of making them think I pine after them, truthfully.
no, you are trying to tempt them into doing something illegal and dangerous. that's not cool. don't play with fire, especially when you're not the only one who could get burned. of course, there is a difference between a little harmless flirting (which is simply amusing and doesn't mean much of anything) and actually leading someone to believe you want to have sex with them. to put that in perspective for you, that's like equivalent of a man toying with a woman and leading her on to believe he wants a long term relationship with her. playing with people's desires in uncalled for unless you are in some sort of power struggle.

I am very straight forward about my age, I don't tell them straight up but the second they ask I tell them. Which is usually quickly.
The one time I recall lying about my age I was 15 and it was to a gay man because I thought he wouldn't let me drink wine out of his backpack with him if he knew my age so I told him I was 17 to which he replied he thought I was older. hahaha
But yeah I don't lie about that.
lol, yeah, that's different :tongue:

Again, I'm aware what manipulative behaviour looks like. I really do appreciate you telling me though, because not everyone does *know.
are you sure you understand it as well as you think you do? I'm not asking for age related reasons, rather because most people overestimate their understanding of power. regardless, I recommend the 48 Laws of Power as a good read for anyone aged late teens to late 20s. if not for sexual reasons, then career reasons (because you will be working for 35-50 year old managers who will be able to run circles around you in terms of power games unless you do. this holds true for me as well)

*E; What's this about power and authority? Can you explain that?
well, people with power and authority are dependable. dependable people make good mates. teenagers in general also tend to be attracted to the idea of stability in some capacity, since they tend to be confused about various things (leaving aside identity issues, since those are generally issues of younger or more immature teens). like my previous points, this doesn't go away any time soon. I am 23 and confused as fuck at the moment. from what I've seen, truly putting your life together generally takes about 10-15 years (maybe 7 or so if you're very mature).
 

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High school boys tend to appear as if they have zero brain cells. I wasn't too attracted to them either. They'll go through a transformation before they hit their twenties though, and then you'll probably settle for your own age group again.
 
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