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How would you go about dating someone who was raped in the past?

There's this girl I've been currently dating for three months and it's going really well so far. At the early part of dating she mention she was raped in the past. I've never had an experience dating someone who was raped. I know when comes to having sex and intimacy it will take a while. She recently mention she's not ready to have sex yet because of her experience. I'm happy to wait and to be patient with her.
 

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Hmm. I'd actually ask her if she got tested for stuff/seen a gynecologist since it happenned. I know it wouldn't be the most sensitive thing to do, but concern for her health and safety and yours would go above that i think. Who knows what her rapist might have had.
 

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I have no idea and zero experience, but I don't think there is any rule book or template to follow. There are simply way too many variables to predict the future, and she is certainly more worried about it than you are. That is part of the damage: being damaged and learning to move on and be successful again.

I would anticipate the best approach is to be open, listen often and carefully, and to not try to "fix" problems that she doesn't ask you to fix. Don't over think it, just be good, solid, and open. The rest will reveal itself in time.

It might be useful to study self help for rape-victim partners, there is surely some better resource out there to learn from. Not to help her, but to help yourself.
 

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You've answered your own question. You're basically doing everything you need to by simply being patient and understanding of her boundaries.
How would you go about dating someone who was raped in the past?

There's this girl I've been currently dating for three months and it's going really well so far. At the early part of dating she mention she was raped in the past. I've never had an experience dating someone who was raped. I know when comes to having sex and intimacy it will take a while. She recently mention she's not ready to have sex yet because of her experience. I'm happy to wait and to be patient with her.
Which I find the best way to build a life lasting healthy relationship with someone anyway. So that's good.
 

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Be there for them if they need to talk about it(though I doubt they'd do that with you at such an early stage of the relationship; so try not to be offended if that is the case). Try not to treat them too differently but also be aware of their certain triggers. Respect boundaries - physical/emotional - and build trust.
 

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How would you go about dating someone who was raped in the past?

There's this girl I've been currently dating for three months and it's going really well so far. At the early part of dating she mention she was raped in the past. I've never had an experience dating someone who was raped. I know when comes to having sex and intimacy it will take a while. She recently mention she's not ready to have sex yet because of her experience. I'm happy to wait and to be patient with her.
I was a raped victim - it does take a bit of a toll on me , however my partner never pressured me . It doesn't cause me to distrust men or anything- just the flash back of the incident played in my mind . I mean I overcame my situation ( met my partner at 19- got intimate with him probably 6 months into the relationship )

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Hmm. I'd actually ask her if she got tested for stuff/seen a gynecologist since it happenned. I know it wouldn't be the most sensitive thing to do, but concern for her health and safety and yours would go above that i think. Who knows what her rapist might have had.
I somewhat disagree, because it's such a slim chance that she would have contracted anything and so to me it just seems like it'd add another layer of pain to the original experience for her, though I can see where you are coming from and I'm not faulting you for that at all--and actually I think it's a great idea for everyone to do (checkup).

I think that everyone who's ever been sexually active (even in a consensual long term relationship) should get tested with their partner before having sex.

I've been in two long term relationships, and both times I just kind of made it a sort of 'okay...lets go to planned parenthood together' kind of day in which both of us go and get regular testing done as well as y'know discuss birth control (mostly for me) or purchase condoms etc.

So I agree with you, essentially, but I don't think it's related to rape--but rather that sexually active people should just get tested and rather than make it 'because you're/I'm more at risk' be more of a regular 'just in case' kind of health check up.

So maybe I'm splitting hairs because I do agree with you, but I wouldn't make it a 'because of rape' activity. I think both should be checked, no matter how much you trust your ex partner or have been careful with protection. It also makes it more of a pleasant experience when treated as an impersonal rule.

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To Tega: I think what you are doing is good--being sensitive and patient, and trying to understand. If something comes up about it--like say she seems to have a certain reaction, you could look into that more specifically. Just listen and try to understand if she feels like talking about it. And respect her boundaries. You sound like you're doing a great job.
 

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Hmm. I'd actually ask her if she got tested for stuff/seen a gynecologist since it happenned. I know it wouldn't be the most sensitive thing to do, but concern for her health and safety and yours would go above that i think. Who knows what her rapist might have had.
That should be done any time you plan on having sex with someone
And it'd be really silly of OP to push for that since she said she ain't ready to have sex

Patience is key, OP. The only bf I told was really considerate. He was a gamer and would watch his dumb language any time I was around during chats or when he was with friends. Small things like that really count just as much as her being comfortable and at ease with you.
 

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How would you go about dating someone who was raped in the past?

There's this girl I've been currently dating for three months and it's going really well so far. At the early part of dating she mention she was raped in the past. I've never had an experience dating someone who was raped. I know when comes to having sex and intimacy it will take a while. She recently mention she's not ready to have sex yet because of her experience. I'm happy to wait and to be patient with her.
Huge red flag. Stay away. Telling you about her experience so early in the relationship puts you in a very awkward position where there's no "right" way to act, and there's a high probability that you'll be second guessing whether or not you should be more forgiving of questionable behavior in light of her "victim status."

It's one thing to be a victim of crime, it's another thing to let the experience define who you are as a person and feeling the need to tell everyone about it. Plus if she goes years without being "ready" you'll look like a **** for not being super patient the entire time and waiting.
 

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Huge red flag. Stay away. Telling you about her experience so early in the relationship puts you in a very awkward position where there's no "right" way to act, and there's a high probability that you'll be second guessing whether or not you should be more forgiving of questionable behavior in light of her "victim status."

It's one thing to be a victim of crime, it's another thing to let the experience define who you are as a person and feeling the need to tell everyone about it. Plus if she goes years without being "ready" you'll look like a **** for not being super patient the entire time and waiting.
Maybe they've already done a lot of the work to get through their shit and are just trying to be accepting of that while making sure that others around them know; not as a victim but as a survivor?

And not that I completely disagree with what you've said about having to second guess/monitor one's words/actions, but maybe that's also an opportunity for OP of growth; to learn/exercise some extra awareness/self control in a situation(s) they're not normally accustomed to.

But y'know, if you're getting into a relationship with a sole purpose of having sex... sure, you wouldn't want to put yourself in a future position where you'll look like a *insert pejorative* for being impatient.

I mean, why waist your time or gamble with your image, amiright? :rolleyes:
 
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If I found myself in this situation, I'd advise her to visit a Cellular Release Therapist. I've read about it and it seems to be a very good method for erasing the impact of all sorts of past trauma and stress.
 

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I somewhat disagree, because it's such a slim chance that she would have contracted anything and so to me it just seems like it'd add another layer of pain to the original experience for her, though I can see where you are coming from and I'm not faulting you for that at all--and actually I think it's a great idea for everyone to do (checkup).
I agree, I think it would come across as a bit insensitive and selfish tbh, even though in general it's a good idea.
 

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Huge red flag. Stay away. Telling you about her experience so early in the relationship puts you in a very awkward position where there's no "right" way to act, and there's a high probability that you'll be second guessing whether or not you should be more forgiving of questionable behavior in light of her "victim status."

It's one thing to be a victim of crime, it's another thing to let the experience define who you are as a person and feeling the need to tell everyone about it. Plus if she goes years without being "ready" you'll look like a **** for not being super patient the entire time and waiting.
Don't you think you are making assumptions here? What evidence is there to suggest this? It sounds to me like there's a lot of mutual trust already built up, and good on the OP for wanting to be sensitive and caring.
 

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If I found myself in this situation, I'd advise her to visit a Cellular Release Therapist. I've read about it and it seems to be a very good method for erasing the impact of all sorts of past trauma and stress.
Is that at all simlar to EMT or tapping?
 

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Huge red flag. Stay away. Telling you about her experience so early in the relationship puts you in a very awkward position where there's no "right" way to act, and there's a high probability that you'll be second guessing whether or not you should be more forgiving of questionable behavior in light of her "victim status."

It's one thing to be a victim of crime, it's another thing to let the experience define who you are as a person and feeling the need to tell everyone about it. Plus if she goes years without being "ready" you'll look like a **** for not being super patient the entire time and waiting.
She is being honest and forthcoming, so the other person knows there will likely be difficulties down the road if they are to date her. Compared to what you said in the other thread, you should be positive about this not negative because she is laying out her baggage from the start. She is doing the right thing for her well-being, and doesn't waste the time of the men. Also weeds out those who are would not be interested in the potential challenges. We are all defined by our experiences and how we deal with them, that's why we are unique, it's part of life.


@Tega1
as others have said, it looks like you are doing the right thing. Besides, if you have a good relationship and communication, you'll be able to face the potential problems and solve them hopefully
 

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while making sure that others around them know
What possible motivation is there for this? Sounds like they're looking for preferential treatment or purposefully putting others into awkward social encounters. After all, if they're wanting to talk about it with other people, early on in the relationship, then it doesn't sound like they've "done a lot of work to get through their shit" to me, and are instead using a singular encounter to define who they are and how they interact with others in the future.

But y'know, if you're getting into a relationship with a sole purpose of having sex... sure
It may not be a sole purpose but I think it's grossly naive to presume it doesn't play a significant role. If she's still going through issues, not feeling comfortable and wants to downplay the importance of sex in romantic relationships then there's plenty of girlfriends and/or gay bffs out there who can provide her with emotional support. Telling men this information within the context of an early date setting while simultaneously expecting them to be super patient for an indefinite period of time seems a bit exploitative to me.

Don't you think you are making assumptions here? What evidence is there to suggest this?.
What evidence is there to suggest what exactly... that telling other people they're rape victims might put other people in an awkward position? My goodness I don't know where to begin. For starters, people have told me about their rape experiences and it definitely made me feel awkward, and in addition other people who have experienced similar encounters have expressed similar sentiments. Honestly, it's amazing to me that I even have to explain something as self-evident as this.
 

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Compared to what you said in the other thread, you should be positive about this not negative because she is laying out her baggage from the start.
I think you missed the point and are comparing apples and oranges; it wasn't a question of whether she was doing the right thing but a question of "How would you go about dating someone who was raped in the past?" And here I'll even simplify it for you for the sake of clarity in addition to providing an analogy:

The other person doing the right thing ==//== you should always stay in the relationship.

Sure it may be the "right thing" to tell a partner about one's HIV positive, desire to have kids and recent heroin addiction recovery, though just because "they're being honest and forthcoming so the other person knows there will likely be difficulties down the road", doesn't mean that all people are going to be so understanding of a red flag.
 

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I think you missed the point and are comparing apples and oranges; it wasn't a question of whether she was doing the right thing but a question of "How would you go about dating someone who was raped in the past?" And here I'll even simplify it for you for the sake of clarity in addition to providing an analogy:

The other person doing the right thing ==//== you should always stay in the relationship.

Sure it may be the "right thing" to tell a partner about one's HIV positive, desire to have kids and recent heroin addiction recovery, though just because "they're being honest and forthcoming so the other person knows there will likely be difficulties down the road", doesn't mean that all people should be super willing to continue the relationship.
I know it wasn't a question of whether she did the right thing, that was in reply to your post, not his.
When did I say all people should be willing to continue? In fact, I did mention that she may have chosen to be honest for the exact purpose of not dragging men around who are not willing to deal with this.
 
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