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My family is always telling me that I'm way too picky and that's why I'm always single. I'm especially picky with personalities. If I'm bored with them by date 3 then I'm out. I use online dating and after awhile I started listing things on my profile of what I DON'T want in a guy. Is that so wrong and conceited? I'm not talking about looks or how much money they make. These are just things that I haven't been able to compromise on.

Here's what I currently have written on my profile: "First of all, do not message me with something like "hey" or how are you". If the message is shorter than 3 sentences I'm not not gonna reply. 10 years age difference is my absolute limit but I prefer no more than 6 years. And sorry I just can't do younger. I'm not looking for a long distance relationship. If you live more than an hour away than don't message me. If you are a smoker of any kind or you do drugs, don't message me. And lastly, I am agnostic but lean more towards atheism. So serious Christians, we would not get along in a relationship. I'm looking for something steady. A relationship but not a marriage proposal. I just want something that has potential to grow. If you're looking for that and you think we have a lot in common than feel free to message me."

I then go on to just talk about my life and things I like to do. So opinions? Should I change this? Is it so wrong to know what you want in a SO?
 

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I think your intro (and knowing what you want and don't want) is fine. Then again, I've been absolutely single for *many many many* years... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ You might want to do the opposite of anything I say in this domain... Good luck though :)
 

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Have you said in your profile what you do want?
 

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My family is always telling me that I'm way too picky and that's why I'm always single. I'm especially picky with personalities. If I'm bored with them by date 3 then I'm out. I use online dating and after awhile I started listing things on my profile of what I DON'T want in a guy. Is that so wrong and conceited? I'm not talking about looks or how much money they make. These are just things that I haven't been able to compromise on.

Here's what I currently have written on my profile: "First of all, do not message me with something like "hey" or how are you". If the message is shorter than 3 sentences I'm not not gonna reply. 10 years age difference is my absolute limit but I prefer no more than 6 years. And sorry I just can't do younger. I'm not looking for a long distance relationship. If you live more than an hour away than don't message me. If you are a smoker of any kind or you do drugs, don't message me. And lastly, I am agnostic but lean more towards atheism. So serious Christians, we would not get along in a relationship. I'm looking for something steady. A relationship but not a marriage proposal. I just want something that has potential to grow. If you're looking for that and you think we have a lot in common than feel free to message me."

I then go on to just talk about my life and things I like to do. So opinions? Should I change this? Is it so wrong to know what you want in a SO?
If you are obsessed with a certain thing, you'll naturally want the best.

Whether it be shoes, phones or in my case tennis racquets.

If I want to commit to buying a racquet, I make sure the head size is correct, the balance feels right and the weight appropriate.

If I don't I'll just end up returning it and being unsatisfied with my purchase.

It might be fine for others who look for the cheapest tennis racquet to tick a box and be done with it, but I want a *quality* racquet.

Other people might be content with different racquets I don't like. That's fine, it doesn't fit my tastes.

If I can afford my perfect racquet then I'll buy it if it exists.

If not, I'll spend as much money as I can to buy the closest thing with the fewest compromises.

And that's how one should approach relationships. Reality is much messier than analogy, but this is an ideal. ;)
 

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i don't think there is anything conceited about knowing what you want and what you deserve. if you truly know what you do and don't want, i don't see any problem with specifying these things. why waste your time (and someone else's) if you know they have a certain quality that will end up being a deal breaker? if a potential guy is put off by what you wrote, then he's not for you anyway.
 

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There's nothing wrong with setting limits at all, but I think the way you wrote it isn't very inviting.

Starting it off with all those things you do not want seems negative and unaccepting. Maybe you should describe yourself in the beginning so people can know a bit about you and actually want to talk to you in the first place, and then ease into the limitations later.

If I read this profile I wouldn't be too interested in reading past the first paragraph even if I did fit to your standards. Just like writing an essay, it's best to start with a hook. :proud:
 

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Have you said in your profile what you do want?
I with this one. I see the things I like in people and hold on for dear life. Like people for who they are not what they are not.

Why even ask the some of these question. I dated someone for a month before I realized they were religious. Didn't effect us one bit.

As other people have said I just isn't inviting, forcing labels on people.
 

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Personally I would start off by saying what it is you have to offer in a relationship and get the positive aspects about yourself out there before you tell us what you're looking for. If I haven't had the chance to have my interest sparked by you then why would I feel the need to qualify myself to you? If I read about what you have to offer then maybe my interest will be sparked, and I will be more open to meeting your standards.

Good luck with your search :tongue:
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Have you said in your profile what you do want?
Not in great detail like that. I just listed normal things like honesty, an open mind and trust.

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i don't think there is anything conceited about knowing what you want and what you deserve. if you truly know what you do and don't want, i don't see any problem with specifying these things. why waste your time (and someone else's) if you know they have a certain quality that will end up being a deal breaker? if a potential guy is put off by what you wrote, then he's not for you anyway.
See thats what i always thought but when i try to explain it, guys always say that religion and smoking dont matter as long as you care about each other. Well ive dated a religious guy and a smoker. Those ended very quickly! How can i grow to love someone who has a quality i strongly dislike?

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There's nothing wrong with setting limits at all, but I think the way you wrote it isn't very inviting.

Starting it off with all those things you do not want seems negative and unaccepting. Maybe you should describe yourself in the beginning so people can know a bit about you and actually want to talk to you in the first place, and then ease into the limitations later.

If I read this profile I wouldn't be too interested in reading past the first paragraph even if I did fit to your standards. Just like writing an essay, it's best to start with a hook. :proud:
Unfortunately people dont read profiles at all. I still get messages from guys way older than me and on the other side of the country! But i guess i could try that, thanks.

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Whenever someone says, "You're too picky. That's why your always single," I wonder if they believe that any relationship, even an unsatisfying one, is better than being alone.
While there's nothing wrong with saying what you want and don't want, the way it's done is important. If someone's list of things they don't want (or even their list of what they do want) is too specific, I think, "there's no way I can live up to all of that." Or I might think I fit 95% of the requirements, or even all of them, but then think, "well, what if the other person doesn't think I do? Are they going to think I'm an idiot for even messaging them?"
 

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I was picky about everything I cared about. If I remember correctly, the second message I sent to my husband, before we met in person, was about how impressed I was that he didn't answer any of his OkCupid questions in a way I found disturbing. He was amused.

What did being picky get me?
I ended up with someone who was actually compatible with me instead of finding myself in yet another conflict-ridden relationship trying to change someone who seemed "close enough."

If these things matter to you, then you have every right to discuss them upfront with any potential suitors who may be interested, and it is not a sign of conceit.

That being said, seeing your list, I would like to mention something about distance, which can be changed if the other person is willing to travel to be with you. My husband thought he would only want someone who lived in or near the same city, but he ended up finding me in a different state. I moved for him, because I could tell that he was worth it.

These rules, except for the absolute dealbreakers, should just be basic guidelines that can be broken for the sake of being flexible if something really wonderful happens in an unexpected way.

Be picky. Take your time. It seems like you already understand why something this important should be taken seriously, so keep doing what you are doing. You'll be glad you did.
 

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Also putting a long list of "essential" things will put people off from contacting you, my suggestion is decide what you really cannot live with and put them as essentials, then put something like "and I'd prefer someone who is this and that"

Advertise yourself as well, say for example "I'm a kind, caring person who ........................... (insert your own stuff about yourself here)

The say "these are the qualities that my ideal partner must have"

Then put "I'd like someone who has these qualities ............................................................"

Not in great detail like that. I just listed normal things like honesty, an open mind and trust.

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To me, I think listing what you DO NOT WANT might still attract it? I find that people online don't care what you want or don't want. They will still take a shot.I find that listing what I do want is more inviting, as a poster said. People online are so easy to misinterpret things, and jump to conclusions. Your photo shows a nice girl, but they can't pick up on your vibes in person-even if you mean well.

As far as being picky, I don't think your standards are unrealistic
 

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Hmmm... my recommendation would be changing the wording. Your standards don't sound picky as much as your wording's vibe is kinda uninviting and negative as someone else pointed out. It sounds kinda hostile -- "First of all, do not message me with something like "hey" or how are you". If the message is shorter than 3 sentences I'm not not gonna reply." -- and grumpy, not that I'm trying to rip at you or anything, lol. Just with that sort of tone, especially if it's at the beginning, it sets unpleasant vibes. I think if someone did meet your criteria they might feel buffered away.


Some ways you might alter the wording:
If you message me, please send me something more substantial than "hey" because that's hard to talk from.
I prefer to date someone close to my home, so if you are more than an hour away I'm sorry I'm not interested.

Just sounds more pleasant^
I would also recommend putting your wants and do not wants at the end of your profile after you've shown/"pitched" yourself. When people do it sooner I think it can feel demanding, as opposed to letting them see you a bit and decide if they like you or not before you let them know what you'd like from them.
 

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Acting like you can write whatever you want and still get messages, while certainly true, is still so off-putting that I basically dislike you already.

Judging from what you wrote here you're not too picky, but I get the sense your mindset about all this is quite off. Can't really elaborate.
 
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