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Best dating advice for 30 year old?

3K views 51 replies 13 participants last post by  mug_cake 
#1 ·
I wanted to check out what the dating side of life is like. So I signed up for two, and while I have long conversations going back and fourth with others around my age, it doesn't really go anywhere much, I also feel the need to put myself out there, like ask me questions (I like being asked questions), otherwise the chats tend to die as I ask things and sometimes I get replies back other times not so much. I seen a bunch of accounts become deleted, is that a big thing nowadays? I do want to meet them in person at least a date somewhere to see how it goes but I never get anyone interested in this so I don't bother need to change it up and learn the secret.

This is all online, as I have no idea how to start dating in real life as in no one to really help guide me just doesn't feel right to me.

What advice would you give to a someone who is new to the dating online game and in their 30s?
 
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#2 ·
First suggestion I always hear is to know what your goal is, and make sure you're using the right app for that demographic.

The biggest 'secret' I would give you is to make sure the pictures and videos show a lot, not a little. Do you have a nice living room? Show it off. Do you like to play small pranks, throw up a 10s video of you doing one. Show your life. Don't be ashamed. A lot of women have huge issues with dudes who catfish them about their living situation, or how successful they are. A few matches with women who see your living space, and is impressed is going to be a lot more productive.

Also, saves you a lot of time learning about the girls who just talk to you for the attention. Make sure the conversation is two ways.

I don't personally use these apps, so I'm not going to press my possible bias, but from what I hear:

Tinder - Go for people who want to talk for 3 weeks and ghost you or onlyfan bots
Bumble - Most people's go to, at least in my area
Okcupid - Good if you like stalking people and making sure they're your type ahead of talking. (They have you answer like 100s of questions that I think are public)

There's a couple of new trendy ones like Ur My Type and Orion. But even in a big city like Dallas, they're dead. I personally tried Ur My Type and only got like 15 swipes in my area.
 
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#3 ·
Interesting..

Yeah catfishing is a pretty big issue, I don't want to "give me money for gas to see you" or anything of that nature. If it's too good to be true it usually is even dating.

I don't have a super nice room since it's my space and too lazy to move stuff around when it works for me. Also the rest of my place is not much to look at honestly. I do get what your saying though.
Another thing is with the ghosting, I feel like I'm wrong asking or telling them things about myself, it's odd for me almost feel like my social skills are being tested or something intuitive going on that I must get through. I call it a test, I don't pass or something else.... ghosted or gone.


I see about looking into those you mentioned, maybe they are better or worse than facebook dating.
 
#4 ·
Well yeah. Of course there's something intuitive going on. They're seeing if you're their type. It's not a secret code, it's just most people have boundaries. The problem is, it's a lot easier to just ghost someone than to give them the chance to turn on you. So it makes you feel like you did something wrong, and who knows, you might have but really...it's just people who don't want to take the chance of a bad reaction, and it's not really personal.

Word of advice though. One of the fastest ways to be put in the 'low value men' bin is to be too lazy to clean your spaces. How can a person trust that you're going to take care of them if you can't even vacuum the floor once a month, you know?
 
#5 · (Edited)
Word of advice though. One of the fastest ways to be put in the 'low value men' bin is to be too lazy to clean your spaces. How can a person trust that you're going to take care of them if you can't even vacuum the floor once a month, you know?
Whoa there, I was I was being sarcastic with that statement. I got it it.

Also, into older women my age to 40s ish, do you know of an app that is helpful in narrowing down age?
 
#6 · (Edited)
What advice would you give to a someone who is new to the dating online game and in their 30s?
I would give the same advice that I would give to someone walking into a casino.
The game is rigged, get out, you only stand to lose, the small odds to win isn't even worth considering.



In a casino only the pokertable is fair, as the casino has no interest in who wins,
it basically rents out the seats for a cut of the pot.
Yet would you really wanna sit yourself down with the sharks aka gold diggers?
The ones who know the game in and out and are only waiting for an inexperienced fish to fleece.

However knowing this, you can position yourself to win big time.

Yet it will take a total transformation of your attitude and a willingness to throw all traditional wisdom to the wind.
This is uncharted waters, so I cannot tell you anything very specific.

My one advice would be to follow the value/money.
Girls want your attention/effort/commitment, don't give it to them unless they offer something of equal value to you.
If you are not getting an equal exchange, just check and fold, until right before the blinds (forced bet) circle back to you.
Then just leave the table (woman).

To recap, the dating world is the casino, the woman are the table.
You have to buy in with a forced bet on the table, but if the table is a bad table, then just leave and find another table.
No reason to mess around with sharks, also it pays to observe the table for a few rounds to see if it is obviously a bad table,
saves you the hassle of buying in, why spend your time and money on something that is obviously bad?
I won't try to outline any specific red flags, as such things are either outdated, or may be irrelevant to your context and local culture.
Though in general dating is rigged in women's favor, so don't go for blackjack or slot machines or you will regret it.

I could try to pinpoint who is what type of table or what women are blackjack and slot machines in this metaphor.
But that would be too much work and not accurate anyway, you will have to orient yourself in your own context and come up with an accurate map that works for you.
Yeah it sucks, but my charted waters will not match your charted waters perfectly.
I do not want to give you a false sense of safety or a false sense of danger over stuff that may not be relevant to your case.

Good luck out there!
 
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#10 ·
And complaining after I gave you the opportunity to correct me, and then failing to do so tells me why you have to trick women to get them. 🤷‍♂️

Sooooo good luck with that, mate.
Interesting shaming tactic and trying to once again frame me with the words you put in my mouth.
Any attempt to correct you would be ammunition.
It is like calling in poker, you just increase the pot.
Fold...

@The courier this is a good example of how to handle the people involved in these things.
When they prove to be up to no good, just don't play with them.
They have their own game down pat, just check and fold and leave the table! :)
 
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#13 ·
Can you two please stop fighting? Or take it to PM? K thanks.

So I will post my experiences so far with those three that were mentioned by @AceOfForests

OkCupid: Looks to be okay, I like how it asks questions some of which don't really matter to me. The layout is good, I don't have any ads either. All around pretty good.
Tinder: Pretty basic and tons of fake/toxic accounts I can't help but feel the need to get off it the longer I look on it, doesn't feel right or good to me. Again this is just my opinion and while most is fine for others, I don't think it's for me.
Bumble: Eh I it's slow and tons of ads not to mention some hardcore porn ads that shouldn't be. I get to matches and suddenly have likes, but then it seems to only work when I log on or look at profiles, is this a joke or something else? Regardless, it's bizarre.
I am ur type: I like it a lot actually and wish it had more interest in it because it makes it fun and dare I say interesting for me to read bios. The bad about it is only one picture.


Haven't tried Orion yet.
 
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#14 ·
Online dating is complete garbage for men unless you're very physically attractive coz most people will judge u purely on your photos since theres nothing else to really judge u on besides ur bio that most ppl won't read.

If you're an attractive females then online dating is great if u wanna spend 10 hours going through your 1000+ msg inbox everyday.
 
#49 ·
Yep. Online dating seems so artifical to me. I think the best relationships start when two people already know each other, being colleagues from school or work, start taking to each other and develop a bond. It feels very organic. Online dating by contrast is like going to the shopping store and picking the best product.

Not to mention people who are there for validation or only for fun. So even on an online dating platform, you are not surrounded only by people interested in online dating. But I've heard couples that met online and had a succesful love story, so I guess it's not impossible, just less likely than the alternative.
 
#15 ·
A little update: I am getting some hits by older girls (average age is 35- 40s) that are already married or in a relationship :cautious: they all seem to be looking for guys they can hook up with which I assume is purely for sex or something else entirely.

Someone told me it's poly relations and I gave it a look, surprised to see this as a thing but cool just not sure about how it works or if I'm 100% okay with it.
 
#26 ·
I think men need to be a bit more wary of scammers because men do tend to get less attention than women on online dating sites. So I would be wary about sex-only offers, as some of them might be prostitution or other solicitations? I suspect it would be easier to scam men on such platforms because men get less attention and might be more likely to respond.

The fact that you're having conversations with people seems like you're doing something right.

I did go on several dates with a couple people from OKCupid, in my thirties (I'm still in my thirties but a lot older than thirty)--they were friendly dates and with nice people. I didn't kiss them or anything. But it was a good experience, though ultimately we were incompatible.

Tbh--one of them I went out with because he was a physicist and I always wanted to learn physics. It was fun but unfortunately I am not into casual sex and I don't think we were very fulfilled with what was on the table--he wasn't very romantic or interested in "true love" or whatever, and I wasn't interested in sex. So we went out a few times and ultimately I called it. I really liked spending time with him but I couldn't see a future.

The other was an ISTJ and I also liked talking to him, but he wanted to have a family and I do not want casual sex so the only thing we could really be is friends, which was okay except we didn't share any passions from what I could tell--though he was an aspiring writer...idk. I kind of wish I'd stayed friends with him but it felt overwhelming to me in some ways too because I was lonely and I'd think of casual sex, which I don't want to do.

That was the most uncomfortable thing for me, was knowing how I was lonely and they were lonely and perhaps we could have done something sexual, but also knowing that I don't want that and so then what are you left with--sort of a luke warm "friendship" full of sexual tension, with little common interests outside of a dating site. It's awkward.

But that was just a small experience. You never know who will be on there. But maybe think of what you want to be appreciated for and highlight that in your bio.

I don't agree that pictures are that much what women are into, as I think women do tend to prefer to read the bio (if they are looking for relationships...rather than scammers) and are less swayed by pictures than men are.

But maybe try to have your photo represent you...like if you have a strong interest in something, or you're a people person etc. then have the photo be in that setting, or with people etc. So to give a glimpse into who you are.

A woman is going to choose based on what she wants. For me, I wanted to go out with the one man just because he was a physicist (and I did verify that before going out with him, by checking his work). That was what put him apart from the rest--that he'd gotten an education and was knowledgeable. Something I feel silly about, but I loved college and so someone who has an education is more interesting to me. But that's just me.

Another guy who seemed really successful on OKCupid was a ceramics teacher and he asked me whether I liked Banksy, which was a great opening question since I think it showed he'd read my profile (women HATE it if you don't read their profile, I think--because most men don't, they just look at the pic) and it also made me think about something I'd like to think about. But by the time I answered him he'd already met someone--so he was pretty successful, imo.
 
#16 ·
Online dating seems like such a huge waste of time and energy. There's a lot of single women in your vicinity. If you're comfortable approaching strangers and making conversation, I've had great relationships with women I met on the bus on the way to work. If you're not comfortable doing that, talk to your friends and family and have them introduce you to someone. The women in your family probably have a lot of friends, and at least some of them are open to a new romance. Even the men in your family and friends can help you. The women they're dating also have friends, some of which are bound to be available.

I don't know. Maybe online isn't that bad. It just feels too complicated for my liking.
 
#17 ·
Online dating seems like such a huge waste of time and energy. There's a lot of single women in your vicinity. If you're comfortable approaching strangers and making conversation, I've had great relationships with women I met on the bus on the way to work. If you're not comfortable doing that, talk to your friends and family and have them introduce you to someone. The women in your family probably have a lot of friends, and at least some of them are open to a new romance. Even the men in your family and friends can help you. The women they're dating also have friends, some of which are bound to be available.

I don't know. Maybe online isn't that bad. It just feels too complicated for my liking.
That would be great advice but I don't have anyone left from my family anymore. I have brothers and a sister I never meet before.

I'm open to talking with strangers but I get told to fly a kite, as people around don't seem to be that open with anyone, it's okay.
 
#27 ·
But that was before they changed OKcupid's messaging thing--so now I think people have to like each other before they can receive or send messages, to a degree.

I'm not sure why online dating would be so different than irl, except that online dating is a very quick way to see if someone is receptive to meeting other people and perhaps dating.

So I think irl we tend to try to look for signs a woman is receptive to meeting others--and maybe we look for things like she's wearing revealing clothing, being flirtatious, or whatever. But really, women can not look like that and still be single. I think the "tells" people look for, in appearance, are unfitting.

And so I think that's maybe one of the issues is that--how do you sift through the people in relationships vs. the people who are not, and meet people who are single, let them know you are single, let them know compatibility, and get to know each other better?

For me, in my 30s, a lot of the interests I had--no one my age was there. I'd go on docent led walks to look at mushrooms or archeological sites, and the only people doing those were retired and in their sixties. So I really didn't feel like I could connect with other people my age.

And at work, I only worked with women. So again--not meeting people that way.

I think it's challenging in the 30s because people are hard at work and if you're more introverted, you might not be getting out there and meeting people. Perhaps it would be helpful to have extroverted friends and get out there more.

But to be honest, I can't really give good advice because I've done a terrible job of dating people in my thirties.
 
#29 ·
I want to share a update:

I have been going back and fourth with this girl a bit, she seems to be interested the reason i say seems to be, is because every time I ask she is okay with it, great. Make plans to meet and where be sharing the location and the other places we can go to have fun and talk, on the last day after we exchange where we will meet up at, she tells me she can't make it due to life or something she needs to get at the store. It's okay. Except she been doing this since I asked her out and she agreed week ago, no idea if she's being honest, life does happen and things come up. Or she isn't interested anymore? I feel like she isn't ready not telling me isn't good because I like our conversations and put a lot of effort into them thinking that I got a chance to have a date with a girl who I connect with and be cool talking to. Other convos I have die out like I put more interest out with little back...

Anyway I wanted to give a update on myself.
 
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#30 ·
I want to share a update:

I have been going back and fourth with this girl a bit, she seems to be interested the reason i say seems to be, is because every time I ask she is okay with it, great. Make plans to meet and where be sharing the location and the other places we can go to have fun and talk, on the last day after we exchange where we will meet up at, she tells me she can't make it due to life or something she needs to get at the store. It's okay. Except she been doing this since I asked her out and she agreed week ago, no idea if she's being honest, life does happen and things come up. Or she isn't interested anymore? I feel like she isn't ready not telling me isn't good because I like our conversations and put a lot of effort into them thinking that I got a chance to have a date with a girl who I connect with and be cool talking to. Other convos I have die out like I put more interest out with little back...

Anyway I wanted to give a update on myself.
Maybe she is just super nervous about meeting a stranger. At this point you two are actually strangers, because there are no other cues to go by. Have you talked on the phone?
 
#38 ·
I wanted to check out what the dating side of life is like. So I signed up for two, and while I have long conversations going back and fourth with others around my age, it doesn't really go anywhere much, I also feel the need to put myself out there, like ask me questions (I like being asked questions), otherwise the chats tend to die as I ask things and sometimes I get replies back other times not so much. I seen a bunch of accounts become deleted, is that a big thing nowadays? I do want to meet them in person at least a date somewhere to see how it goes but I never get anyone interested in this so I don't bother need to change it up and learn the secret.
I think I know where you're coming from. You have to understand a few things about modern dating first. Today's dating has been ruined by shitty apps like Tinder and the like. Millennials are especially notorious for not having patience and wanting immediate gratification. So, you trying to discover someone, might be boring for such an individual. Not all, but it's a lot of them.

I have no idea what dating apps are available in the US. We have plenty of dating apps with specific interests here where I live. Serious dating, casual dating, sex and so on.

I see you're into serious dating. That's good. My advice is then to describe yourself in an interesting way without telling too much.

How your online profile should look like.

Go from outside in. Short but concise. Make it interesting. Keep it a lightweight mystery. Just enough to provide clues about yourself and your personality. Women like mystery. Don't make it Sherlock difficult so that she can't read you. Be like the tutorial of Sherlock. Tell her some clues but let her discover them herself.

Don't say things in negative tones. Say it in positive tones. Here is an example:
Instead of "I don't like fat girls" say "I prefer athletic girls". Means the same thing. It's not a lie, it is the truth, it is delivered in a diplomatic way. Women tend to not take bluntness well. Men tent to be more blunt.

Have one picture of your face. Another picture of a you doing a hobby that you have so that it is clearly visible that you are into something (on a bike, guitar, skating or whatever you like). One last photo in a setting that you like the most (if you like the mountains, take a picture there, if you like a garden, do that, if you're the crowd type, a photo of you at a concert). It says so much about you and saves you a lot of text.

Describe yourself perfectly if the site has preset fields (height, eye color, sign etc). Fill those accurately. It saves you the trouble. Especially if you find some crazy chick that hates your sign. To avoid such scenarios be honest about it.

Then write your story. Make is simple phrases. Single sentences are preferred to long phrases that never end. About 500 characters should be enough to say what you need. If the service has a premium tax, you might as well get it to be able to send messages and be more visible. It sucks, but if you want to meet someone, you gotta put in the effort.

You will have to search through a lot of garbage before you get a diamond. Only meet with people that show interest in talking to you. Don't be afraid to say you're not interested. Keep a list of people you don't like in order to keep track.

If you have difficulties coming up with conversation topics make a list of questions and topics. It's geeky, but it's not something to be ashamed off. Think what you want to know and why. Don't ask too many useless questions. Pace your questions correctly. Don't ask her weird questions or very private ones. Don't talk about exes. Talk about positive things more than any kind of failures. Don't make it an interview. Make it a conversation. Allow her to ask you as well. Only go to your list of questions if the conversation slows down. Women love to talk about themselves. So let her some space to do that. You mostly have to listen when she starts talking. Make notes about the things she likes. At some point you might go on a date and it would help if you know what kind flowers she likes and you turn up with those flowers. Or she likes some kind of food and you take her to someplace where they serve that stuff. Or if she's the park going type, find a nice park somewhere with good reviews. You know what I mean.

Some tips when you go on actual dates.

Also, DO NOT SIMP, do not buy expensive gifts, do not go to expensive places, do not order expensive foods. Dating isn't about money. It's about you and her.

Look interested in her, be interested, but also remember to focus on yourself. Talk about what you're like. Focus on your hobbies also. Show that you are a person that exists. Put your phone away. Only answer calls. Don't text or facebook. Don't reduce everything to making her happy. Be interested, but don't be a boot licker, go about 75% of the way, make her know that you're interested, but let her work for the rest of 25%. She needs to put in the work as well.

Good luck. You're gonna need it. If you have more questions feel free to send me some PMs. We cool. As guys we do whatever we can to keep up the supremacy of patriarchy.

That's a joke.
 
#39 ·
Bravo. This is what I was trying to say earlier, but in a 'sleep' way instead of my 'blast' way. If I could love twice, I would.
 
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#41 ·
Update: Nothing really new, been talking to a few girls back and fourth, I give my number out once we talk for days and get to know each other's hobbies, goals etc. No one really seems to be interested, like my number is a buzz kill or just odd? Well anyways. I won't give up on this, I feel like car shopping for the first time and needing a friend to tell me about "that one car there" wingman or it goes out or over too quick.
 
#42 ·
New update: I've been talking with this girl back and fourth on okcupid, she seems a bit distant but interested, she tells me she want to take things slow, and "meet on zoom" when I gave her my number out, is this how dating works now? She tells me it's something everyone does now since the covid and I can't say it's surprising but why only zoom as it's different how does one date on zoom?
 
#43 ·
She tells me it's something everyone does now since the covid and I can't say it's surprising but why only zoom as it's different how does one date on zoom?
Is this girl over 60? What is this garbage. Dating on zoom because of covAIDS. Bruh. Take a chance. People need to stop living in wrapping bubbles. And with a survival rate of over 99.9% for people under 60 it's hardly even taking a chance.
 
#48 ·
Anecdotal. All of it. Statistics are a better guide.
 
#50 ·
Well you'll have to practice a lot, interact with a ton of people, adapt and learn from failure as you go. Use plenty of apps/sites, be yourself, and just try to enjoy the interaction as you go. You'll get a better idea of what to look for with experience. Pay attention to red flags and don't get hung up on any one bad experience.
 
#52 ·
I think back when I tried online dating my rule of thumb was to see if we could keep the conversation going for a week. See if there were any obvious red flags and then start talking about having a video call or just a really low key meet like for coffee or something. I didn't have much success but I didn't try very hard. Or for very long.
 
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