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Beyond the Need to Control
Do you tend to be controlling in your relationships? Are you in a relationship with a controlling person? This is a great article on control and love.

Beyond the Need to Control

You love. Absolutely you do. You have grown, you have changed, you have evolved. And you do love. But, you see, you also feel the need to control, and that control robs you of the intensity, the depth, the beauty, and certainly the power of that love. You have grown, you have changed. It is not that severe in you. And through the decades you've become so conditioned to that control that it is like the drone of a fan: It's only when it stops that you realise, "Oh my gosh".

It's only when the control is gone that you start feeling what love can really be, what power it really has. Of course you do love. But even so, the price of control is giving up love, banishing it, renouncing it to whatever degree. But even so, you have denied the love you could have had. You have rejected a deeper level and intensity of love even though you desire it. The price of the need to control, with its patterns and behaviors, is love.

You see, control, regardless of its origins, comes down to fear. People who control -- you in your control -- are fearing. It all comes down to fear around love -- fear about love, fear associated with, attached to, and connected to love.

Control is fear around the issues of love. The more intense your control, the more frightened you are. The more frightened you are, the more arenas of your life you'll feel the need to control or to play it out. Those who are "control freaks" are terrified, absolutely terrified of life. And your levels of control vary. Some people feel it so intensely they have to control strangers. But most of you don't feel that need, because, you see, with strangers love isn't involved, so you aren't afraid. You have different arenas in your life. Some of you have arenas of work and arenas of play. You have arenas of spiritual growth, certainly so. You have arenas of your body. Some of you feel an immense need to control your body, so afraid, so afraid that it isn't good enough to be loved the way it is.

And you will find that your need to control fluctuates. It may even be slightly different in one arena or another, but it fluctuates even so. Therefore, it's very possible that a person could be very non-controlling at work, for example, even though that work is what pays the bills and provides the roof over their head. Because when fear about love is not involved, then the need to control is diminished. When it comes to loving relationships, however, this same easygoing, non-controlling person can suddenly become a tyrant. Then the feeling is, "This is where I never could get love, or where I could lose love, or where I cannot respond to love." Then there is fear around love. Then there is control. And so you can look at it and say, "Hey, how do you mean ... me control? Look at me at work. I'm just ..."Yeah, but how about you at home? What about you where love counts? What about you where love matters? "Oh, I'd never think of controlling." Oh, maybe not in the tyrannical sense you might in your physical reality, but maybe in ways you wouldn't otherwise suspect.

Control fluctuates. It fluctuates and shifts and changes depending upon the fear of love, depending upon the fear and the love. That is always the key. As you control, you're terrified of not getting love, or terrified of losing love, or terrified of not being able to respond to it. And the height of that terror increases your need, and the behaviors and patterns, of control.

Now just as all control comes down to fear around love, so its goal, among other things, is to be safe with love. That's what you are trying to accomplish: safety around love. You're motivated out of fear, and wanting to deny that fear, not wanting to deal with that fear, not wanting to own or look at or feel or experience that fear so as to protect this love that you're so afraid you'll never get -- so afraid you cannot hold onto -- so afraid that you cannot respond to even if you should, by chance, by some fluke, by some weird stuff, ever get it and keep it for awhile. That's what's motivating you, this incredible fear. What you're trying to accomplish with control is to be safe.

Now it's not a healthy way to be safe. Please don't misinterpret here and decide that because you have fear around love you therefore have a right to control. "It's all right. You made me afraid, so therefore, you made me control." NO! NO! Nobody makes you control. Nobody makes you. "You scared me and therefore I fell back into control." That was your choice. They didn't make you do it. "I'm just trying to be safe." That doesn't mean that makes it OK to control.

So we're NOT saying that because the motivation is fear around love, isn't control beautiful? We're NOT saying that since what you're really trying to find is safety with love, control is endearing. No, it doesn't make it OK. And it doesn't mean that you, who are the recipients of such control, need to put up with it.

An appropriate response may be:
"I can understand that you are afraid of having, losing, or responding to love, but the way you're handling that doesn't work for me. So either you change, or I'm out of here. I understand that when you try to control me you're just trying to be safe. But your safety is lethal. I won't play. I understand what it is. I don't think you're some devil. I don't think you're some evil spirit. I think you're a frightened person who just wants to be safe, but the means by which you're doing that are destructive to me, and I cannot, out of any respect for myself, play in this arena with you."

But understand that still, it's motivated out of fear around love, and its goal is to be safe around love. That's what you're after. Control motivated out of fear and love, and it is an attempt to establish safety around love. It is ironic as well that in the face of love, people who control get angry. You get angry in the face of love. Depending upon the intensity of control, you get angry. Obviously, those who control massively get incredibly angry. With those who control less powerfully, less intensely, the anger is diminished, yes.

But you always get angry in the face of love. As much as you want it, as much as you're afraid you're never going to get it, as much as you're afraid you're never going to hold onto it, as much as you're afraid that even if you did you could never properly respond to it, as much as you want it, when you finally face it, you get angry. Often you turn tail and run, because love reminds you of your fear, reminds you of what you can't have, or rather what you don't have and what you wouldn't be able to keep even if you got it.

Love reminds you of what you fear the most: never getting love. It also makes the need to control more intense. "I've gotta, I've gotta, I've gotta so I can get that love, so that I can be safe, so that I can always win, so that I can have some sense of value, meaning, some worth, some power so that I can deny my fears, so that I can . . ."

Not only does it remind you of what you can't have, but because where love is control intensifies, it makes you angry. There are very few of you anymore who enjoy control. It gives you a hit here and there, but you know you shouldn't do it. You try to keep it hidden, and when love's there, you can't hide it. And it makes you angry.

In the face of love, you get angry. You get angry when you control. Why won't you let this technique work, or that technique work for you? Because it's too akin to love. Yes, it may have those other ramifications also, but so much of it is around control. "I don't want to lose control. I need to control, don't you see?" Ironically as well, love makes you turn and run because love is a threat to control. You see, when you feel love, control is in jeopardy. It breaks down the game. When you are feeling love, it breaks down the patterns, it breaks down the behavior. You just can't do it. "Yes, I can." No, you can't.

Control is not love. Even though that's what you're trying to protect, even though that's what you're trying to make, it isn't a loving act. And while you're doing it, you're not loving. Because when you are feeling the love, you can't control. The need can still exist, understand, but you can't do it. You can't do it. If you are in a fight with someone you love, you may recognize: “I'm controlling now, I'm trying to control them. Fearful of this love, fearful around this love, I'm trying to protect it, I'm trying to make it safe on my terms. And I'm saying that you're just like your mother, or you're just like your father, or just like my ex to try to get you in line again, to get you where I want you. And that's not loving." But if you will genuinely do the loving, control vanishes. The behavior, the pattern of control vanishes. If it doesn't, then you didn't feel the love. "Did, too!" No, you didn't.

You see, self-pity cannot thrive when you feel love. Love and self-pity are antithetical to one another. You can't feel sorry for yourself and feel love at the same time. Now you can feel sorry for yourself and stop that and feel love, and stop that and feel self-pity. You can go back and forth, sure. You're capable of doing a lot of things. You're very adroit. But you see, when you're in pity, you see, you can't feel the love. When you feel the love you cannot feel sorry for yourself unless you turn off the love for a moment. "Oh, poor me." And turn it back on. (Turning it on and off like a switch) "Oh, poor me."

And you can't feel like a martyr, you can't be a martyr, when you feel the love. You can't feel guilt. In fact, none of the anaesthetics work when you feel love. So when love's there, not only can you not control, but also the love breaks down the pattern. It breaks down the behavior, and it eliminates the "support group" of anaesthetics. When you face your control and how ugly it is --"So I'm going to have to face that I'm being controlling, and how ugly that is"-- you may feel sorry for yourself, judge yourself, go into stagnation, head into repression, or feel so guilty that you never really deal with how ugly the control is. You see? But in the face of love, the "support team" is gone.

Love can also do for the need to control what it does for the pattern of control. When you feel love, and really let love in, you are out of control. Not "out of control," which is how the controlling ears hear that. "See, I knew it! Out of control!" No: You are out of the place of control -- out of the place of controlling. Not out of control, which is itself a form of control.
It's an interesting and important play on words. Love makes you out of control -- out of being a controlling person, unable to continue the patterns, unable to continue the behaviors, unable to support and justify such patterns and behaviors with the anaesthetics that you usually use.

Source: LAZARIS Beyond the Need to Control
This is an excerpt from: "Busting Free: Beyond the Need to Control"
 

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I was in a relationship with a controlling, needy and jealous girl. After learning about her past I can understand why she acted the way she did, I just found it really unfortunate because it ruined our relationship.
 
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No, neither of us like this word control. This is why i question my 8 wing, i hear so much of the word control attached with it, it doesn't describe me at all. I do feel the need to control myself thou in my surroundings . I believe this is why i never got into drugs, i couldn't stand not having control over my behaviour. Even alcohol doesn't sit right with me in large amounts. I like to have a few drinks of wine, although once i feel like i'm losing control of my speech or actions, i don't enjoy it anymore. I don't see any good coming from wanting to control, or accepting it from others. If you have to control ( which is a form of manipulation ) you maybe getting what you want although the bigger picture wouldn't be satisfying in my mind. I'd rather get what i need/want through mutual equal compromises.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
I was in a relationship with a controlling, needy and jealous girl. After learning about her past I can understand why she acted the way she did, I just found it really unfortunate because it ruined our relationship.
Yes it is, but I'm glad you got out of the relationship if she wasn't willing to change. Many people are susceptible to being in a controlling relationship, and will continue to stay because they feel sorry for the controlling person once they understand it comes from fear and insecurity. The thing is, it is sad that they feel the need to control out of fear and insecurity, but that doesn't mean a person should put up with it. Being controlled is extremely damaging and will eventually catch up to anyone.


No, neither of us like this word control. This is why i question my 8 wing, i hear so much of the word control attached with it, it doesn't describe me at all. I do feel the need to control myself thou in my surroundings . I believe this is why i never got into drugs, i couldn't stand not having control over my behaviour. Even alcohol doesn't sit right with me in large amounts. I like to have a few drinks of wine, although once i feel like i'm losing control of my speech or actions, i don't enjoy it anymore. I don't see any good coming from wanting to control, or accepting it from others. If you have to control ( which is a form of manipulation ) you maybe getting what you want although the bigger picture wouldn't be satisfying in my mind. I'd rather get what i need/want through mutual equal compromises.
Yes, equal, mutual respect is the best. There are people who feel a need to be in control in order to feel safe, and that's perfectly fine, as long as they keep balanced and healthy without controlling their partner.

I think those who control forget that when they are controlling someone, they are also stripping someone of the ability to control themselves...this is very hypocritical. This means the controlling person is forcing the crippling fear that they themselves possess onto a person they are supposed to love.

Unfortunately, love is a gamble; if you (general you) want to be in a healthy, happy relationship, you have to make yourself vulnerable to that person by handing over trust, respect, and respecting boundaries...that is the only way to true love. Controlling others will eventually push them to the point of breaking, which will cause them to do exactly what the controlling person is trying to avoid...heartbreak.

If a person is unable to hand over their heart to another without control, then they need to work on themselves before entering a relationship with another.
 
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