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This is a great article on control and love. I'm not posting it saying ENTJ's are a bunch of control freaks; I just know that many struggle with this issue, and perhaps it can be helpful.

Beyond the Need to Control

You love. Absolutely you do. You have grown, you have changed, you have evolved. And you do love. But, you see, you also feel the need to control, and that control robs you of the intensity, the depth, the beauty, and certainly the power of that love. You have grown, you have changed. It is not that severe in you. And through the decades you've become so conditioned to that control that it is like the drone of a fan: It's only when it stops that you realise, "Oh my gosh".

It's only when the control is gone that you start feeling what love can really be, what power it really has. Of course you do love. But even so, the price of control is giving up love, banishing it, renouncing it to whatever degree. But even so, you have denied the love you could have had. You have rejected a deeper level and intensity of love even though you desire it. The price of the need to control, with its patterns and behaviors, is love.

You see, control, regardless of its origins, comes down to fear. People who control -- you in your control -- are fearing. It all comes down to fear around love -- fear about love, fear associated with, attached to, and connected to love.

Control is fear around the issues of love. The more intense your control, the more frightened you are. The more frightened you are, the more arenas of your life you'll feel the need to control or to play it out. Those who are "control freaks" are terrified, absolutely terrified of life. And your levels of control vary. Some people feel it so intensely they have to control strangers. But most of you don't feel that need, because, you see, with strangers love isn't involved, so you aren't afraid. You have different arenas in your life. Some of you have arenas of work and arenas of play. You have arenas of spiritual growth, certainly so. You have arenas of your body. Some of you feel an immense need to control your body, so afraid, so afraid that it isn't good enough to be loved the way it is.

And you will find that your need to control fluctuates. It may even be slightly different in one arena or another, but it fluctuates even so. Therefore, it's very possible that a person could be very non-controlling at work, for example, even though that work is what pays the bills and provides the roof over their head. Because when fear about love is not involved, then the need to control is diminished. When it comes to loving relationships, however, this same easygoing, non-controlling person can suddenly become a tyrant. Then the feeling is, "This is where I never could get love, or where I could lose love, or where I cannot respond to love." Then there is fear around love. Then there is control. And so you can look at it and say, "Hey, how do you mean ... me control? Look at me at work. I'm just ..."Yeah, but how about you at home? What about you where love counts? What about you where love matters? "Oh, I'd never think of controlling." Oh, maybe not in the tyrannical sense you might in your physical reality, but maybe in ways you wouldn't otherwise suspect.

Control fluctuates. It fluctuates and shifts and changes depending upon the fear of love, depending upon the fear and the love. That is always the key. As you control, you're terrified of not getting love, or terrified of losing love, or terrified of not being able to respond to it. And the height of that terror increases your need, and the behaviors and patterns, of control.

Now just as all control comes down to fear around love, so its goal, among other things, is to be safe with love. That's what you are trying to accomplish: safety around love. You're motivated out of fear, and wanting to deny that fear, not wanting to deal with that fear, not wanting to own or look at or feel or experience that fear so as to protect this love that you're so afraid you'll never get -- so afraid you cannot hold onto -- so afraid that you cannot respond to even if you should, by chance, by some fluke, by some weird stuff, ever get it and keep it for awhile. That's what's motivating you, this incredible fear. What you're trying to accomplish with control is to be safe.

Now it's not a healthy way to be safe. Please don't misinterpret here and decide that because you have fear around love you therefore have a right to control. "It's all right. You made me afraid, so therefore, you made me control." NO! NO! Nobody makes you control. Nobody makes you. "You scared me and therefore I fell back into control." That was your choice. They didn't make you do it. "I'm just trying to be safe." That doesn't mean that makes it OK to control.

So we're NOT saying that because the motivation is fear around love, isn't control beautiful? We're NOT saying that since what you're really trying to find is safety with love, control is endearing. No, it doesn't make it OK. And it doesn't mean that you, who are the recipients of such control, need to put up with it.

An appropriate response may be:
"I can understand that you are afraid of having, losing, or responding to love, but the way you're handling that doesn't work for me. So either you change, or I'm out of here. I understand that when you try to control me you're just trying to be safe. But your safety is lethal. I won't play. I understand what it is. I don't think you're some devil. I don't think you're some evil spirit. I think you're a frightened person who just wants to be safe, but the means by which you're doing that are destructive to me, and I cannot, out of any respect for myself, play in this arena with you."

But understand that still, it's motivated out of fear around love, and its goal is to be safe around love. That's what you're after. Control motivated out of fear and love, and it is an attempt to establish safety around love. It is ironic as well that in the face of love, people who control get angry. You get angry in the face of love. Depending upon the intensity of control, you get angry. Obviously, those who control massively get incredibly angry. With those who control less powerfully, less intensely, the anger is diminished, yes.

But you always get angry in the face of love. As much as you want it, as much as you're afraid you're never going to get it, as much as you're afraid you're never going to hold onto it, as much as you're afraid that even if you did you could never properly respond to it, as much as you want it, when you finally face it, you get angry. Often you turn tail and run, because love reminds you of your fear, reminds you of what you can't have, or rather what you don't have and what you wouldn't be able to keep even if you got it.

Love reminds you of what you fear the most: never getting love. It also makes the need to control more intense. "I've gotta, I've gotta, I've gotta so I can get that love, so that I can be safe, so that I can always win, so that I can have some sense of value, meaning, some worth, some power so that I can deny my fears, so that I can . . ."

Not only does it remind you of what you can't have, but because where love is control intensifies, it makes you angry. There are very few of you anymore who enjoy control. It gives you a hit here and there, but you know you shouldn't do it. You try to keep it hidden, and when love's there, you can't hide it. And it makes you angry.

In the face of love, you get angry. You get angry when you control. Why won't you let this technique work, or that technique work for you? Because it's too akin to love. Yes, it may have those other ramifications also, but so much of it is around control. "I don't want to lose control. I need to control, don't you see?" Ironically as well, love makes you turn and run because love is a threat to control. You see, when you feel love, control is in jeopardy. It breaks down the game. When you are feeling love, it breaks down the patterns, it breaks down the behavior. You just can't do it. "Yes, I can." No, you can't.

Control is not love. Even though that's what you're trying to protect, even though that's what you're trying to make, it isn't a loving act. And while you're doing it, you're not loving. Because when you are feeling the love, you can't control. The need can still exist, understand, but you can't do it. You can't do it. If you are in a fight with someone you love, you may recognize: “I'm controlling now, I'm trying to control them. Fearful of this love, fearful around this love, I'm trying to protect it, I'm trying to make it safe on my terms. And I'm saying that you're just like your mother, or you're just like your father, or just like my ex to try to get you in line again, to get you where I want you. And that's not loving." But if you will genuinely do the loving, control vanishes. The behavior, the pattern of control vanishes. If it doesn't, then you didn't feel the love. "Did, too!" No, you didn't.

You see, self-pity cannot thrive when you feel love. Love and self-pity are antithetical to one another. You can't feel sorry for yourself and feel love at the same time. Now you can feel sorry for yourself and stop that and feel love, and stop that and feel self-pity. You can go back and forth, sure. You're capable of doing a lot of things. You're very adroit. But you see, when you're in pity, you see, you can't feel the love. When you feel the love you cannot feel sorry for yourself unless you turn off the love for a moment. "Oh, poor me." And turn it back on. (Turning it on and off like a switch) "Oh, poor me."

And you can't feel like a martyr, you can't be a martyr, when you feel the love. You can't feel guilt. In fact, none of the anaesthetics work when you feel love. So when love's there, not only can you not control, but also the love breaks down the pattern. It breaks down the behavior, and it eliminates the "support group" of anaesthetics. When you face your control and how ugly it is --"So I'm going to have to face that I'm being controlling, and how ugly that is"-- you may feel sorry for yourself, judge yourself, go into stagnation, head into repression, or feel so guilty that you never really deal with how ugly the control is. You see? But in the face of love, the "support team" is gone.

Love can also do for the need to control what it does for the pattern of control. When you feel love, and really let love in, you are out of control. Not "out of control," which is how the controlling ears hear that. "See, I knew it! Out of control!" No: You are out of the place of control -- out of the place of controlling. Not out of control, which is itself a form of control.
It's an interesting and important play on words. Love makes you out of control -- out of being a controlling person, unable to continue the patterns, unable to continue the behaviors, unable to support and justify such patterns and behaviors with the anaesthetics that you usually use.

Source: LAZARIS Beyond the Need to Control
This is an excerpt from: "Busting Free: Beyond the Need to Control"
 

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Physical control issues sounds like something that would affect SJs more than NTs. ENTJ are only controlling when it comes to managing a process or if a particular person has proven themselves to be incapable or incompetent. Otherwise, ENTJ shouldn't be very controlling of their lovers. ; )
 

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Discussion Starter #3
@MNiS Relationships are often viewed and treated like a business transaction, or a "process" by many people...and those people tend to exhibit controlling tendencies in trying to "manage" their relationships. This isn't about physical control.

A lot of ENTJ's have a hard time letting others in because of lack of trust. Sometimes this can cause a person to be pretty controlling in relationships without even realizing it. However, this can occur in anyone who has a hard time trusting others, not just ENTJ's. Control caused by lack of trust, or from fear of being hurt/not loved is pretty common and causes many hardships in relationships. It can be be anything from very subtle, to blatant. This article is specifically for those who have fear or trust issues in regard to love. If you don't have those hang-ups, then you probably won't be controlling in relationships.

Control is fear around the issues of love. The more intense your control, the more frightened you are. The more frightened you are, the more arenas of your life you'll feel the need to control or to play it out. Those who are "control freaks" are terrified, absolutely terrified of life. And your levels of control vary. Some people feel it so intensely they have to control strangers. But most of you don't feel that need, because, you see, with strangers love isn't involved, so you aren't afraid. You have different arenas in your life. Some of you have arenas of work and arenas of play. You have arenas of spiritual growth, certainly so. You have arenas of your body. Some of you feel an immense need to control your body, so afraid, so afraid that it isn't good enough to be loved the way it is.

And you will find that your need to control fluctuates. It may even be slightly different in one arena or another, but it fluctuates even so. Therefore, it's very possible that a person could be very non-controlling at work, for example, even though that work is what pays the bills and provides the roof over their head. Because when fear about love is not involved, then the need to control is diminished. When it comes to loving relationships, however, this same easygoing, non-controlling person can suddenly become a tyrant. Then the feeling is, "This is where I never could get love, or where I could lose love, or where I cannot respond to love." Then there is fear around love. Then there is control. And so you can look at it and say, "Hey, how do you mean ... me control? Look at me at work. I'm just ..."Yeah, but how about you at home? What about you where love counts? What about you where love matters? "Oh, I'd never think of controlling." Oh, maybe not in the tyrannical sense you might in your physical reality, but maybe in ways you wouldn't otherwise suspect.

Control fluctuates. It fluctuates and shifts and changes depending upon the fear of love, depending upon the fear and the love. That is always the key. As you control, you're terrified of not getting love, or terrified of losing love, or terrified of not being able to respond to it. And the height of that terror increases your need, and the behaviors and patterns, of control.
 

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Sometimes, the best way to control, is to let go of the wheel and trust in the best. I WANT/WILL the relationship to work. I can pull strings and try to make that be the case, but I am likely to strangle it and drive her away. But, if I let go, it might thrive. Have I exerted control then, through not being controlling?
 

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@Enfpleasantly

Yes, I agree with you that the desire for control stems from a fear of the uncertain...either that or out of sheer boredom. ; ) You know what people say about idle hands. :p

But having trust issues is probably more of an individual problem. Having someone betray one's trust in the past would almost certainly cause said person to develop problems trusting others in the future. Being untrusting of others is not an inherent ENTJ quality though.

So at any rate, the truth of the matter is much of the time the desire to control others comes from a desire to make people and the outcomes they bring, more predictable. The world is fairly chaotic and rather unstructured and I'd wager that the typical "control freak" wishes to simply impose their will into making their environment more ordered and thus predictable. It doesn't seem like a great mystery to me. ; )
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Sometimes, the best way to control, is to let go of the wheel and trust in the best. I WANT/WILL the relationship to work. I can pull strings and try to make that be the case, but I am likely to strangle it and drive her away. But, if I let go, it might thrive. Have I exerted control then, through not being controlling?
What you're describing might be you going too far in the opposite direction. Relationships take effort from BOTH partners, so just letting her take the wheel might drive her away because she feels like she's the only one putting any effort in. Wanting the relationship to work is important, but that's only the first step...next comes mutual effort.

Here are some examples of more subtle ways people control, or red flags for controlling tendencies in a relationship:

*Jealousy
*Insecurity
*Managing or controlling his/her interactions with others of opposite sex, ie; "you smile too much", "you talked to him too much", "you can't have guy friends on PerC".
*Controlling things such as Facebook...partner cannot have a profile unless it is shared or if you have password to it.
*Need to know passwords to everything...email, PerC, Facebook, etc.
*Not allowing partner to have their own private life.
*Not respecting personal boundaries.
*Checking cell phone, email, mail, etc.
*Controlling what he/she wears, ie; "that's too short", "that's too low cut", etc.

And of course, obvious forms of control as well, but didn't find it necessary to list them :)

Any of these things can also be very cleverly masked by manipulation, or even unintentionally masked by manipulation; for instance, "you make me feel like you're disrespecting me when you smile and laugh while talking to guys, and it hurts my feelings"--this isn't HER issue. Smiling and laughing while talking with someone is not a crime. It is simply insecurity and jealousy causing the problem, but it is wrongfully put on their partner. Of course if she was being inappropriate in her interactions, well then that's different. That's where it can get tricky. Figuring out whether a partner's actions are truly inappropriate, or if you (general) are being irrational because of insecurity/fear/trust issues, etc.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
@Enfpleasantly

Yes, I agree with you that the desire for control stems from a fear of the uncertain...either that or out of sheer boredom. ; ) You know what people say about idle hands. :p

But having trust issues is probably more of an individual problem. Having someone betray one's trust in the past would almost certainly cause said person to develop problems trusting others in the future. Being untrusting of others is not an inherent ENTJ quality though.

So at any rate, the truth of the matter is much of the time the desire to control others comes from a desire to make people and the outcomes they bring, more predictable. The world is fairly chaotic and rather unstructured and I'd wager that the typical "control freak" wishes to simply impose their will into making their environment more ordered and thus predictable. It doesn't seem like a great mystery to me. ; )
Absolutely, it is most definitely an individual thing. I certainly don't think this is inherent in all ENTJ's. I just know that the ENTJ's I know personally have had to overcome some of the hardships involved with trust and/or fear of the uncertain. I just wanted to offer a good resource in case others are also working to overcome said struggles. I have a soft spot specifically for ENTJ's overcoming these issues because I know they can be easily misunderstood by others.
 

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What you're describing might be you going too far in the opposite direction. Relationships take effort from BOTH partners, so just letting her take the wheel might drive her away because she feels like she's the only one putting any effort in. Wanting the relationship to work is important, but that's only the first step...next comes mutual effort.

Here are some examples of more subtle ways people control, or red flags for controlling tendencies in a relationship:

*Jealousy
*Insecurity
*Managing or controlling his/her interactions with others of opposite sex, ie; "you smile too much", "you talked to him too much", "you can't have guy friends on PerC".
*Controlling things such as Facebook...partner cannot have a profile unless it is shared or if you have password to it.
*Need to know passwords to everything...email, PerC, Facebook, etc.
*Not allowing partner to have their own private life.
*Not respecting personal boundaries.
*Checking cell phone, email, mail, etc.
*Controlling what he/she wears, ie; "that's too short", "that's too low cut", etc.

And of course, obvious forms of control as well, but didn't find it necessary to list them :)

Any of these things can also be very cleverly masked by manipulation, or even unintentionally masked by manipulation; for instance, "you make me feel like you're disrespecting me when you smile and laugh while talking to guys, and it hurts my feelings"--this isn't HER issue. Smiling and laughing while talking with someone is not a crime. It is simply insecurity and jealousy causing the problem, but it is wrongfully put on their partner. Of course if she was being inappropriate in her interactions, well then that's different. That's where it can get tricky. Figuring out whether a partner's actions are truly inappropriate, or if you (general) are being irrational because of insecurity/fear/trust issues, etc.
I guess I don't mean to describe going passive and non-participatory, but rather, a state in which you are simply letting things take their "natural course". I know from my experience and from talking to my closest friends, who are almost all INTJ's, that it's not the sort of major, overt controlling that you list that is the most common, it's more the day to day, smaller warping of reality to suit that can become our biggest problem. Simply arranging things so that they go our way... I understand it wears on others... go figure ;)

"You win some you lose some" is not a natural thing for many of us...
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I guess I don't mean to describe going passive and non-participatory, but rather, a state in which you are simply letting things take their "natural course". I know from my experience and from talking to my closest friends, who are almost all INTJ's, that it's not the sort of major, overt controlling that you list that is the most common, it's more the day to day, smaller warping of reality to suit that can become our biggest problem. Simply arranging things so that they go our way... I understand it wears on others... go figure ;)

"You win some you lose some" is not a natural thing for many of us...
Yes, it is even smaller things than what I listed, but I can't think of a good way to write them out. I guess it's sort of like micromanaging things so that everything goes your way, or benefits yourself and not necessarily both partners. Anything that brings you a sense of security that might inhibit your partner. It can even be something as small as..."don't go out with your friends tonight, stay here and spend some time with me".

This is hard to write out without people thinking "how is that controlling? Maybe he really just wants to spend time with her?", but what I'm trying to express is that it's a snowball effect. These tiny things build and build for years until everything finally blows up.
 

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Yes, it is even smaller things than what I listed, but I can't think of a good way to write them out. I guess it's sort of like micromanaging things so that everything goes your way, or benefits yourself and not necessarily both partners. Anything that brings you a sense of security that might inhibit your partner. It can even be something as small as..."don't go out with your friends tonight, stay here and spend some time with me".

This is hard to write out without people thinking "how is that controlling? Maybe he really just wants to spend time with her?", but what I'm trying to express is that it's a snowball effect. These tiny things build and build for years until everything finally blows up.
This is actually a reoccurring theme in a relationship book that I blogged about. They do a great job of pinning down how it negatively effects relationships and accumulates over time... I think @NTyson is reading it now, so she might have a fresher perspective or more specific examples and will chime in.
 

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Absolutely, it is most definitely an individual thing. I certainly don't think this is inherent in all ENTJ's. I just know that the ENTJ's I know personally have had to overcome some of the hardships involved with trust and/or fear of the uncertain. I just wanted to offer a good resource in case others are also working to overcome said struggles. I have a soft spot specifically for ENTJ's overcoming these issues because I know they can be easily misunderstood by others.
That should be appreciated and I'm sure any ENTJ out there with trust issues are going to be thanking you for it although it's not really your job to try to save every ENTJ that happens to be a basket-case. :p
 
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This is actually a reoccurring theme in a relationship book that I blogged about. They do a great job of pinning down how it negatively effects relationships and accumulates over time... I think @NTyson is reading it now, so she might have a fresher perspective or more specific examples and will chime in.
yes- reading it! Enjoying it- but not yet to that chapter. On this topic- I can say my longest term relationship had no control issues on either side. Actually even during the first half of it, wished my partner would display some jealousy once in awhile! Typical ENFP- I refuse to be controlled. (I'm very stubborn too- most people don't realize that about me- cuz I only display it really when rock solid core values of mine are challenged.) But it's not possible to control me- I simply don't allow it. I know that sounds smug-ish, but it's just fact with me.

And in the same vein, I would dread controlling someone else. :( In my relationship, the thought of stopping my partner from doing something he wanted to do- made me very unhappy. It's like, I think to myself, I only have one life to live. He only has one life to live. I would dread to be the person that made someone's ONE life unhappy, uncomfortable, sad or contained! I think it's selfish.

Now I've watched plenty of unhealthy relationships (in my family/friend circle) where one partner was being selfish. So telling that partner that their behavior is unbalanced / not in line with a 50/50 partnership is totally understandable. But if the person is giving of themselves ... giving them-self to you --- it's a pretty arrogant thing to decide you're gonna turn around and micro-manage the remainder of their life on this planet. Just because they entered into a love partnership with you. (You didn't become their God. You became their partner. Get over yourself.)

I've watched relationships where one partner is attempting or succeeding at controlling the other. It amazes me that they would treat someone they supposedly love that way- but also that the other person would take it.

For me personally- the ENFP me- there was only one man on the planet that ever controlled me--- and even him, rest his soul, I gave the run for his money with defiance.... and that is my father. So when my partner ever did try to test me ... to cross the line with that control stuff, I always said, "You're not my daddy. I have a daddy and he's gone." And I didn't just say that trying to sound cool or whatever. He knew I MEANT it.

I know who I am.

And the key to is align with a partner who thinks the same way on this issue. It's one of those deal breakers.

Now ........... on the flip side, from a strictly romantic / turn-on perspective, I love the man to be in control. To open my door for me- to be a bit forceful here and there- taking the masculine role in the relationship. It's HUGE! And yeah- I'm an ENFP. I can be forgetful, loud, irritating ... it's okay if my man puts me in my place. I deserve it! :)

And the man that knows where to draw all those lines --- well, is the Prince indeed!! :)
 

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What you're describing might be you going too far in the opposite direction. Relationships take effort from BOTH partners, so just letting her take the wheel might drive her away because she feels like she's the only one putting any effort in. Wanting the relationship to work is important, but that's only the first step...next comes mutual effort.
You rock enfppleasantly. Like majorly!

Yes- it needs to be balanced. Not just her feeling like she's only putting effort, but it's a turn-off to feel like the other one is not in it or being passive. I think it is learning to "control" the romantic side of the relationship and the areas that you are more your dominant tendencies .... and learning to be 50/50 with the mundane stuff in the relationship. So you are supreme to her in keeping up the check-book. Then "yay" you.... keep up the checkbook. And what she is supreme at, she will reign at. etc. etc. ;)

At the end of the day, no matter how many years into a relationship, a woman wants to have a strong man by her side. Playing the man role so she can play the woman role. If you have mutual respect for each other as individuals ---- flaws and all ------ you can have a lot of fun playing your gender roles instead of letting them play you {ego}.
 
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Discussion Starter #14 (Edited)
yes- reading it! Enjoying it- but not yet to that chapter. On this topic- I can say my longest term relationship had no control issues on either side. Actually even during the first half of it, wished my partner would display some jealousy once in awhile! Typical ENFP- I refuse to be controlled. (I'm very stubborn too- most people don't realize that about me- cuz I only display it really when rock solid core values of mine are challenged.) But it's not possible to control me- I simply don't allow it. I know that sounds smug-ish, but it's just fact with me.

And in the same vein, I would dread controlling someone else. :( In my relationship, the thought of stopping my partner from doing something he wanted to do- made me very unhappy. It's like, I think to myself, I only have one life to live. He only has one life to live. I would dread to be the person that made someone's ONE life unhappy, uncomfortable, sad or contained! I think it's selfish.

Now I've watched plenty of unhealthy relationships (in my family/friend circle) where one partner was being selfish. So telling that partner that their behavior is unbalanced / not in line with a 50/50 partnership is totally understandable. But if the person is giving of themselves ... giving them-self to you --- it's a pretty arrogant thing to decide you're gonna turn around and micro-manage the remainder of their life on this planet. Just because they entered into a love partnership with you. (You didn't become their God. You became their partner. Get over yourself.)

I've watched relationships where one partner is attempting or succeeding at controlling the other. It amazes me that they would treat someone they supposedly love that way- but also that the other person would take it.

For me personally- the ENFP me- there was only one man on the planet that ever controlled me--- and even him, rest his soul, I gave the run for his money with defiance.... and that is my father. So when my partner ever did try to test me ... to cross the line with that control stuff, I always said, "You're not my daddy. I have a daddy and he's gone." And I didn't just say that trying to sound cool or whatever. He knew I MEANT it.

I know who I am.

And the key to is align with a partner who thinks the same way on this issue. It's one of those deal breakers.

Now ........... on the flip side, from a strictly romantic / turn-on perspective, I love the man to be in control. To open my door for me- to be a bit forceful here and there- taking the masculine role in the relationship. It's HUGE! And yeah- I'm an ENFP. I can be forgetful, loud, irritating ... it's okay if my man puts me in my place. I deserve it! :)

And the man that knows where to draw all those lines --- well, is the Prince indeed!! :)
Hot damn, I could've written this! Even down to the Dad bit...my Dad makes me want to scream, but the older he gets, the softer he gets. He'd do anything for me, but at the same time, he's such a pain in the ass with his stubborn, controlling ways.

Anyway, I agree that I won't let others control me; however, in the past, I have let others control me in ways simply because I've "understood" their hang-ups and insecurities. I kept myself from doing things here and there if I knew it would hurt someone. I've definitely grown out of this and understand now that it's not my problem if another person has an issue with something I'm doing...it's THEIR issue, not mine :)

So, this brings me to @MNiS comment on wanting to save basket case ENTJ's...if a person is here and decides to read this article, then he/she is probably looking to improve this aspect of themselves, and that is exactly the type of person the post was meant for. The basket case types aren't interested in helping themselves typically. So it's not about saving anyone...it's about sharing info I've found that I think could be useful to others :)
 

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Hot damn, I could've written this! Even down to the Dad bit...my Dad makes me want to scream, but the older he gets, the softer he gets. He'd do anything for me, but at the same time, he's such a pain in the ass with his stubborn, controlling ways.

Anyway, I agree that I won't let others control me; however, in the past, I have let others control me in ways simply because I've
"understood" their hang-ups and insecurities. I kept myself from doing things here and there if I knew it would hurt someone. I've definitely grown out of this and understand now that it's not my problem if another person has an issue with something I'm doing...it's THEIR issue, not mine :)

So, this brings me to @MNiS comment on wanting to save basket case ENTJ's...if a person is here and decides to read this article, then he/she is probably looking to improve this aspect of themselves, and that is exactly the type of person the post was meant for. The basket case types aren't interested in helping themselves typically. So it's not about saving anyone...it's about sharing info I've found that I think could be useful to others :)
:)

You are quintessential ENFP.

(and so am I)

;)
 
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So basically. Don't try to control others because it eventually leads to either failure or an eventual unsympathetic downfall. ; )
 

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Discussion Starter #17
So basically. Don't try to control others because it eventually leads to either failure or an eventual unsympathetic downfall. ; )
Yeah, I'd say so...even the most understanding people can eventually break from this, and most likely hurt or leave the controlling partner. So the person controlling others out of fear could actually be CAUSING their fears to come true.
 

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Just remember, ESTJ are the Ni blind analogs to the ENTJ.

ESTJ micromanage due to a fear of failure. ENTJ can be hands-off yet still can still produce positive results with an entire organization.
 

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I was dating an ENTJ woman, whom I adored. But after a couple months, I noticed she would continuously nitpick, sway things in her benefit and want more and more, while holding back until she developed more trust for me. It was really a lot of little things...consistent and constant each time we were together that just wore me down had me feeling like I wasn't good enough...even though the things she wanted, she wasn't giving herself to the relationship. I had to end it, because I could feel the grinding on me wearing me down. What is the name of the book and your blog, I'd love to read it?
 
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