[r00bic0n]

Hey everyone, after quite a stressful family weekend I have been in deep contemplation.

Before I left for the weekend, I was chatting to someone about what they looked for/avoided in a love interest. One of their pet hates was when people tease or ridicule their partner in front of others for the purpose of entertainment. This could include anything from playful, well-intentioned banter to quite a vicious attack. I thought back to a relationship of mine, and realised that in front of friends I had often teased my SO about the exaggerations he made when relating/retelling a story, and other characteristics that I probably can't remember, but only ever in an affectionate way - so I thought. I argued this point and justified the behaviour by saying that it was only ever meant in an affectionate way, and not intentionally to hurt. My friend argued that it was an abusive behaviour.

Well, we agreed to disagree for the moment, and then I spend 5 days with my family, and experienced a revelation. Every member of my direct family have this nasty habit of putting people down (probably, from their POV, putting them in their place) for the amusement of others. I was several times the victim of this behaviour, and it hurt me a lot. I felt that I was being treated with disrespect and scorn. The "banter" was specifically focusing on either characteristics that I felt were central to my character/experience (being naive, being vocal about my feelings and what I have learnt about them) or weaknesses in my character (over-sensitivity mainly) - things that either I didn't want to, or was already trying hard to change.

So I reconsidered my conversation with the friend, and realised that this is actually quite an abusive behaviour, and one that I had always assumed was normal (and that the only reason I was hurt is that those who can't deal with it are "over-sensitive", as I have always been accused of being). I tied up my friend's opinion with my own experience and concluded that I had always attributed my hurt reaction to the behaviour as my own weakness, and thus projected this onto others who I assumed were "weak". Thank you to this friend, I have learned a lesson that I feel is very important - I have got rid of a blind spot that I had never even considered before.

It made me realise how negative and abusive behaviours can be perpetuated under the guise of normality...with the intentions grossly disorted and dissociated from the actual effects.

I wanted to know if any of you ENFPs (or any other types :laughing: ) have had any blind spots revealed to you, and if so what they are, and how you have learnt from the experience?

Also, what do you think of my revelation? Does it hold true for all of you?

 

[frenchie]

Had the same thing happen to me when I was talking to a girl. She started teasing me and playful banter led to some hurt feelings.

Needless to say, my two friends found it absolutely hilarious. Probably laughing at my behavior, either way it's a delicate balance between teasing, being friendly, and playful banter. Not everyone enjoys it and sometimes it can cross invisible lines that for whatever reason I absolutely suck at seeing.

Normally I start when someone starts teasing me. I guess it came about because I was mocked a ton in middle school by girls for my nerdy looks. It's kind of vindictive (in a fun way!) to do it back to them and have them give you that, "Oh no he didn't look!". I try to never go for the jugular, but you have to be careful nonetheless.

Learning tact is kind of a hard lesson to learn.

 

[r00bic0n]

Had the same thing happen to me when I was talking to a girl. She started teasing me and playful banter lead to some hurt feelings.

Needless to say, my two friends found it absolutely hilarious. Probably laughing at my behavior, either way it's a delicate balance between teasing, being friendly, and playful banter. Not everyone enjoys it and sometimes it can cross invisible lines that for whatever reason I absolutely suck at seeing.

Normally I start when someone starts teasing me. I guess it came about because I was mocked a ton in middle school by girls for my nerdy looks. It's kind of vindictive (in a fun way!) to do it back to them and have them give you that, "Oh no he didn't look!". I try to never go for the jugular, but you have to be careful nonetheless.

Learning tact is kind of a hard lesson to learn.

Yes, I think it's a hard balance to strike...I just think there are so many ways of being humorous - this particular method happens to hurt people, and I'm not sure if the entertainment is worth the hurt feelings.

Maybe it all depends on how the person whose expense the humour is at views the personal characteristic that is the object of the joke. And how often that characteristic is ridiculed.

I think if the joke suggests that the person always does this or that, it can be interpreted as a sign of resentment.

I guess what it made me think about is why this humour is funny at all - what is the nature of the humour? Is it that it highlights something that is perceived to be silly or wrong with the person? If so, I think it is unnecessarily mean.

I think it is important to be able to laugh at yourself (and not take yourself too seriously) - however, I'm not sure if it's someone else's responsibility to point weaknesses or idiosyncracies out, especially in public, where it can lead to shame and embarrassment. If someone found some particular aspect of me confusing or amusing, I'd appreciate them telling me in private if it bothered them.

If the characteristic is a positive one - such as a peculiar sense of humour, or a penchant for cheese (?!) then the humour is simply an indulgence of an interesting characteristic that someone appreciates.

However, more often than not, I feel this type of humour targets a characteristic that others are encouraged to laugh at because it is abnormal and therefore tiresome or unacceptable to the audience. This is when feelings get hurt - the victim may already be aware of this characteristic and if so, may already feel sad about it within themselves and would rather not have specific attention drawn to it. If they are not aware, it could be even more hurtful, as it forces them to realise something about themselves that they do not like, and that others have already identified and ridiculed.

 

[frenchie]

Yes, I think it's a hard balance to strike...I just think there are so many ways of being humorous - this particular method happens to hurt people, and I'm not sure if the entertainment is worth the hurt feelings.

Maybe it all depends on how the person whose expense the humour is at views the personal characteristic that is the object of the joke. And how often that characteristic is ridiculed.

I think if the joke suggests that the person always does this or that, it can be interpreted as a sign of resentment.

I guess what it made me think about is why this humour is funny at all - what is the nature of the humour? Is it that it highlights something that is perceived to be silly or wrong with the person? If so, I think it is unnecessarily mean.

I think it is important to be able to laugh at yourself (and not take yourself too seriously) - however, I'm not sure if it's someone else's responsibility to point weaknesses or idiosyncracies out, especially in public, where it can lead to shame and embarrassment. If someone found some particular aspect of me confusing or amusing, I'd appreciate them telling me in private if it bothered them.

If the characteristic is a positive one - such as a peculiar sense of humour, or a penchant for cheese (?!) then the humour is simply an indulgence of an interesting characteristic that someone appreciates.

However, more often than not, I feel this type of humour targets a characteristic that others are encouraged to laugh at because it is abnormal and therefore tiresome or unacceptable to the audience. This is when feelings get hurt - the victim may already be aware of this characteristic and if so, may already feel sad about it within themselves and would rather not have specific attention drawn to it. If they are not aware, it could be even more hurtful, as it forces them to realise something about themselves that they do not like, and that others have already identified and ridiculed.

You'd be surprised. I used to never do this type of humor. Somewhere along the line I started doing it and I don't know why.

Most people really get a kick out of it. In fact, i'd compare it almost to playful grade school teasing. The type that most little kids do almost every day. I used to get really hurt by it too.

I guess I just have to be careful. When I get the impression that someone's trying to one up me I do it right back. I just don't like being walked all over.

Then again this sounds something like a male ENFP thing. Compensating for my right brained tendencies. Figures when I lived in England I didn't have this problem when I didn't have social gender and cultural roles placed on me.