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3K views 21 replies 10 participants last post by  Hal Jordan Prime 
#1 ·
So I was goin out with an INFP and right from the start the chemistry was good. After about a month she jus decides to back out saying we should just be friends then changes her mind again saying we should take it slow.

Flaky. Confusing. Totally blindsided me as it came out of nowhere. It was when I made a joke about sex which is nothing new because we've joked about it repeatedly with her being the instigator.

I'm quite affected by this and even if she is the first INFP I've gone out with... I don't think I want to anymore. Y'all need to get your heads and hearts checked because you guys are f*cked up. Leading on people then quitting on them.

So help me understand because I sure as hell won't ask her. I wanna be done with it.
 
#3 ·
Yeah I was pretty upset the other day. I get quite intense when I feel strange emotions. I just don't know how to approach her now. Plan is to just act cool the next day and be warm to her still. I like her but I'm also defensive since I know how manipulative women can be whether they intentionally intend to be or not.

But thanks for some nice clarification.
 
#6 ·
It's her choice. There's nothing you can do about it. People sometimes think relationships are contracts. You could've done the same to her, and she would've questioned your actions till exhaustion, but at the end of the day ... it's your life, and you more or less determine the course. Next time you enter a similar situation, try to understand that.

Take everything as a wake up call. She just saved you from a larger headache. Imagine she dropped this bomb after years of dating.

Just keep on pushin' man.

And you shouldn't "INFP-ENTP" the world ... its more complicated than that.
 
#7 ·
Well, I myself am a INFP and my girlfriend is INFP as well. We are romantically interested in each other for over 4 months, of which 2 are officially in relationship 'status'. I can tell you that during the first 3 months both me and she had our moments of sudden serious doubt whether we seriously wanted this to work / or if it would work in the end at all / or if the other person is all that we ever wanted / or are equal to our idealistic dreams / etc etc

There were some scary moments .... you think all is going well but then all of a sudden it hits her or me and we come with an absurd thought like it does not feel ''right'' so it is probably not wat I want.

Just ... pull through, stay positive and above all supportive and show that you understand her concerns or sudden feelings/thoughts/doubts.

My relationship is still getting better by the day (although every time we think we can't possibly love each other even more deeply and passiontely). It is also getting more and more interesting and we don't stall in these 'i love you' conversations in which that is all that there is being said.

If you truely love her then you wouldn't sound like you were giving up already after 1 confused discussion. Sometimes it is better not to immediatly overthink everything ... if you can't, then an INFP is not someone for you i fear
 
#10 ·
Well, I myself am a INFP and my girlfriend is INFP as well. We are romantically interested in each other for over 4 months, of which 2 are officially in relationship 'status'. I can tell you that during the first 3 months both me and she had our moments of sudden serious doubt whether we seriously wanted this to work / or if it would work in the end at all / or if the other person is all that we ever wanted / or are equal to our idealistic dreams / etc etc

There were some scary moments .... you think all is going well but then all of a sudden it hits her or me and we come with an absurd thought like it does not feel ''right'' so it is probably not wat I want.

Just ... pull through, stay positive and above all supportive and show that you understand her concerns or sudden feelings/thoughts/doubts.
Nailed it right there. I picked up on it right away from the start. I guess what drew me to her was the fact she was holding so much emotion and passion in her and I sort of want to bring it out or revel in it.

This makes me laugh. I know it is not funny, but it makes me laugh. I have done what this girl did, in the past.
It seems to me you freaked her out in some way, that usually led to this kind of behavior with me. I would also like to add, to mend your wounds, that I learned from this behavior and eventually I did not do it anymore.

You need to talk with her and you need to start the talk. She will probably run away with arms flailing in the air. Follow her, make her comfortable. Talk.

If she still wants to be done with you, accept it. It is her choice. Remember, we are masters at masking our emotions. She might not have been as happy as you thought she was.
Bahaha. The arms flailing part is hilarious. And yes, I've picked that up from her right since day one.

This just sounds like normal relationship drama not typical INFP behavior. Can you even be 100% sure she WAS an INFP? I find it offensive you would call us fucked up just because you met a girl who may or may not have been an INFP and probably has relationship issues. How do you even know that it is HER fault? Maybe you are the one at fault. Your claim is unfounded when you look at it. I understand that it probably was a blow to you and made you feel upset but you shouldn't take this as "INFP bitches be crazy". If it didn't work out. It didn't. You only knew her for some time I am guessing so there is probably more to her then you thought. As an INFP, that is something I would never do. I don't know whether this due to being an INFP or not but not everyone of that type is like that. Your personality type doesn't make you who you are. It just attempts to describe you. I am sorry that it didn't work out but I think you may need to relax. Tell her you that you want a clean break because you obviously both don't want the same thing. If she is pulling your heartstrings and putting you in pain then don't have a relationship with her. It's that simple. Who knows what is up with her? Don't see this as a negative connotation of an INFP. I am certainly not like this and s millions of other INFPs won't be either. MBTI isn't a manual where you can check up what typical behavior alludes to what for an INFP. Like I said, I am sorry it didn't work out but you might need to re-check your statement there.
Wohoho. Someone didn't mask their emotion here.

Well anyway. All is well. Drama over. For now. I'm better equipped to handle shit like this now.

My assumption is I freaked out too because one of the main things that freaks me out or makes me pissed off is when something abrupt transpires and I can't comprehend why.
 
#8 ·
This makes me laugh. I know it is not funny, but it makes me laugh. I have done what this girl did, in the past.
It seems to me you freaked her out in some way, that usually led to this kind of behavior with me. I would also like to add, to mend your wounds, that I learned from this behavior and eventually I did not do it anymore.

You need to talk with her and you need to start the talk. She will probably run away with arms flailing in the air. Follow her, make her comfortable. Talk.

If she still wants to be done with you, accept it. It is her choice. Remember, we are masters at masking our emotions. She might not have been as happy as you thought she was.
 
#9 ·
This just sounds like normal relationship drama not typical INFP behavior. Can you even be 100% sure she WAS an INFP? I find it offensive you would call us fucked up just because you met a girl who may or may not have been an INFP and probably has relationship issues. How do you even know that it is HER fault? Maybe you are the one at fault. Your claim is unfounded when you look at it. I understand that it probably was a blow to you and made you feel upset but you shouldn't take this as "INFP bitches be crazy". If it didn't work out. It didn't. You only knew her for some time I am guessing so there is probably more to her then you thought. As an INFP, that is something I would never do. I don't know whether this due to being an INFP or not but not everyone of that type is like that. Your personality type doesn't make you who you are. It just attempts to describe you. I am sorry that it didn't work out but I think you may need to relax. Tell her you that you want a clean break because you obviously both don't want the same thing. If she is pulling your heartstrings and putting you in pain then don't have a relationship with her. It's that simple. Who knows what is up with her? Don't see this as a negative connotation of an INFP. I am certainly not like this and s millions of other INFPs won't be either. MBTI isn't a manual where you can check up what typical behavior alludes to what for an INFP. Like I said, I am sorry it didn't work out but you might need to re-check your statement there.
 
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#11 ·
^
What do you expect? Your post is filled with unmasked emotion too which holds a rather offensive connotation to us INFPs. Like I said, it sucks that it happened and I can understand that it affected you but you shouldn't walk away thinking ill of an INFP due to one individual who may or may not even be one. It's too much of an assumption to say all of us do that and we are all unstable emotionally and mentally. That is all I am saying because "Y'all need to get your heads and hearts checked because you guys are f*cked up. Leading on people then quitting on them." is a pretty bold and irrational statement. Yes I am being a little defensive here but you have used some bitter words there. I understand why you have said them but I am just hoping you don't REALLY think that.
 
#21 ·
This is my take on it....

You probably want to hear (or did, before you were "done with it") that her apparent flakiness is due to shyness & being overwhelmed, or something like that. It's easier on the ego to think she's just an indecisive person who likes to take it slow rather than to conclude she just doesn't feel strongly enough about you to commit (because INFPs can be VERY decisive when they actually care).

Well, I will burst your bubble by offering an explanation from inside an INFP's head. I may very well be wrong about her, but this is what would lead me to such behavior (and probably has, I am ashamed to say).

I can be curious about someone/something that I don't actually value in any real capacity beyond it being "interesting", & then I may allow myself to be involved a bit because of it. I just want to see what happens. I may also be flattered by the attention, as any person might be. However, I have no intent to commit or take any serious action, because my feeling is unaffected. This person/thing has failed to hit upon any ideal of mine.

I'm pretty nice & sensitive to others in this regard, and so I will usually (99.9% of the time) stop short of exploring the "possibility" before someone gets hurt.

However, sometimes this means I may explore (or have explored) a romance with someone just because I can, because it's something to do. Then, when I realize a commitment is expected, I bow out. However, if someone keeps giving me "new info" which stirs my curiosity, then I can get pulled back in.

I suspect the sex joke made her aware that this is where such flirtations lead - to a relationship & intimacy with stuff like sex.
She may have instigated joked before, but something like that can trigger the whole picture to suddenly come together. That may have made her stop & think about whether she really liked you that way or that much. If she concluded no, then she knew the right thing was to end it.

This is definitely her fault, and probably due to immaturity & a lack of a full grasp of what she was doing, but I doubt she was intentionally, consciously leading you on to boost her ego. The forefront of her mind was likely going "this is interesting & I want to proceed with it", and so it probably felt like genuine interest to her; but likely, there was also a nagging feeling in the back of her mind that she didn't feel a real connection with you, that this was not what she truly wants in a romance. However, the desire to give the benefit of the doubt, to not discount a vague possibility, to accomodate someone else's feeling, can lead to reopening the exploration.

It's best if you just let her go. In short - she's not that into you & likely never was. INFPs may like to take it slow (rather notorious for it), but I think when we truly like someone romantically, then it's a steady slowness that allows a real feeling to grow, not a wavering back & forth because we're not rooted by a real feeling.
 
#22 ·
This is my take on it....

You probably want to hear (or did, before you were "done with it") that her apparent flakiness is due to shyness & being overwhelmed, or something like that. It's easier on the ego to think she's just an indecisive person who likes to take it slow rather than to conclude she just doesn't feel strongly enough about you to commit (because INFPs can be VERY decisive when they actually care).

Well, I will burst your bubble by offering an explanation from inside an INFP's head. I may very well be wrong about her, but this is what would lead me to such behavior (and probably has, I am ashamed to say).

I can be curious about someone/something that I don't actually value in any real capacity beyond it being "interesting", & then I may allow myself to be involved a bit because of it. I just want to see what happens. I may also be flattered by the attention, as any person might be. However, I have no intent to commit or take any serious action, because my feeling is unaffected. This person/thing has failed to hit upon any ideal of mine.

I'm pretty nice & sensitive to others in this regard, and so I will usually (99.9% of the time) stop short of exploring the "possibility" before someone gets hurt.

However, sometimes this means I may explore (or have explored) a romance with someone just because I can, because it's something to do. Then, when I realize a commitment is expected, I bow out. However, if someone keeps giving me "new info" which stirs my curiosity, then I can get pulled back in.

I suspect the sex joke made her aware that this is where such flirtations lead - to a relationship & intimacy with stuff like sex.
She may have instigated joked before, but something like that can trigger the whole picture to suddenly come together. That may have made her stop & think about whether she really liked you that way or that much. If she concluded no, then she knew the right thing was to end it.

This is definitely her fault, and probably due to immaturity & a lack of a full grasp of what she was doing, but I doubt she was intentionally, consciously leading you on to boost her ego. The forefront of her mind was likely going "this is interesting & I want to proceed with it", and so it probably felt like genuine interest to her; but likely, there was also a nagging feeling in the back of her mind that she didn't feel a real connection with you, that this was not what she truly wants in a romance. However, the desire to give the benefit of the doubt, to not discount a vague possibility, to accomodate someone else's feeling, can lead to reopening the exploration.

It's best if you just let her go. In short - she's not that into you & likely never was. INFPs may like to take it slow (rather notorious for it), but I think when we truly like someone romantically, then it's a steady slowness that allows a real feeling to grow, not a wavering back & forth because we're not rooted by a real feeling.
I'm down for whatever so I've adjusted the mindset to not take her any more seriously than a potential "Friend with Benefit". I've kept my feelings in check. But I'm not letting this go till I "solve" her.

It's interesting anyhow because what led me towards her was my initial gut feeling that she was very into me. Then I ended up right, with her being the one to instigate flirting then I took it to higher levels and that's when she scuttled off.

But you definitely are right. Your first paragraph is what I used to believe but the bolded categories can be accurate because as an "NFP" (well I sometimes test NTP) I feel those myself. I think she's a combination of both being overwhelmed and not knowing if she's really into me... which is why she's "confused". She's going through an overload of feelings.

Anyhow, back to "being an NFP" part... is probably why it wasn't too difficult to "get over" someone once I've rationalized my romanticist behaviour. After the initial days of being depressed and lonely, I would eventually realize it wasn't really the person I was in love with. But rather the IDEA or the possibilities of the relationship.

And it's saddening because reality bites you in the ass that it was never like that. Not even close sometimes. But the dreamy nature of the "NFP" type sometimes makes it hard to come to terms with reality.

But I'm beginning to try to look beyond this and appreciate the person.
 
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