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(ㅇㅅㅇ❀) Meow
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I've been through a lot of weight changes in my life. Started out as a chubby kid. Ate my way to 180lbs due to bullying and stuffing my emotions inside. In high school my heart was crushed by some asshole that said he doesn't date fat chicks. Vomited my way down to 83lbs and hit rock bottom.

Eventually I became healthier and got up to 104lbs, but recently I've started to lose weight again and now I'm at 95lbs. Even though my shorts are getting baggier on me, I'm starting to see myself as bigger than ever in the mirror.

I've begun to hate getting my picture taken too. Just today at a restaurant I took my friend's phone and deleted all the pictures of me that were taken there. She got so angry saying "what the fuck? you looked fine!" but I really didn't. Then when I went to wash my hands, the thing I saw in the reflection scared the hell out of me. It was that fat girl from high school. I thought I killed her years ago. I guess she came back to haunt me.

I can't afford to see a professional about this, but I'm beginning to think I might have body dysmorphia and I have no idea how to deal with it.

I'm 5'0 btw if you're curious about the BMI details.
 

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I think the worst thing you can do is shy away from this. You know, sometimes I have a good gander at myself in the mirror, see what I'm all about, see how that looks in this angle. Why? Because it's the only way to actually understand, the only way to become comfortable with my own body. The mirror is a hard truth, it doesn't lie and it doesn't judge, a mirror is the best way to overcome your physical flaws, to face them head on.

Give it ago, before you go to bed strip off your shit and have a one to one with your reflection. And no, it's not vain, because the intention isn't to admire, it's just to take in reality, to confront all these false images you have in your mind about how you look when it's actually nothing close to it.

Body dysmorphia is like any fear, if you don't face it, it won't fuck off.
 

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I don't have the same issue- but a similar one--

I have issues with my relationship with my father, AND I resemble him more than I do my mother. So often I'll look in the mirror or in pictures and be happy; but there are plenty of other times when what I see is *more like him*, who I think is the stupidest, ugliest, dimmest, cruellest person on the planet-- so seeing *THAT* really hurts.

And it doesn't matter, in those instances, that other people don't see that resemblance; I do.

I think, as hard as it is- the real key is to forgive that fat girl instead of hate her, that way, when you do see her, she doesn't hurt you so much anymore.
 

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I have lived with anorexia and hardcore bulimia for about 5 years now.

I'm recovering or at least trying to but I'm losing any interest in doing so anymore since I disintegrate into a glutton for escapism with the necessary punishment to put things back in balance or I simply stop caring about my bodily needs and enjoy the emptiness. And I'm very depressed although often unaware. Sometimes alcohol abuse becomes a factor. I tend to be extremely organized and rigid with food otherwise.

How to solve it? I could state the obvious, therapy, exercise and scheduled eating but this is not something that can be easily fought through logical steps since its very nature is deep seated, destructive and irrational. Understanding what triggers it and what started it all can help, as well as finding safety patterns (my family both causes, encourages and then vilifies my eating disorders).

You cannot heal unless you want to heal.
Recently I thought I wanted to but right now I feel like it's quite pointless either way.

One thing is for sure, no one understands the devastating effects it has on someone's brain.
You're on your own and you're the one who eventually needs to climb out of this maze.
 

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Hey. Therapy could be really great, especially with a history of eating disorder issues, but I get that $$$ can be a barrier.

I feel ya on the body dysmorphic disorder, though. I've been dealing with it since I was probably around twelve years old (I'm twenty-six now). I have been overweight in the past, but am far from it now. On an intellectual level I understand that I am at a healthy weight, and that I am viewed as thin and skinny and small. At the same time, I have no accurate concept of how I look or how much space I take up. I think, "I am HUGE" while simultaneously noticing how my hip bones jut out. I can see a woman that weighs probably 60 pounds more than me and immediately think "oh, we're about the same size." Which then spirals me into anxieties of, "is that really how I look?!" (And I want to clarify here that as shitty as these thoughts are, and they are very shitty, the judgments are 100% being made on myself and not on the people I'm comparing myself to.) It's not just that I think I'm fat when I'm not, it's that the way I perceive my body is so far off from how it actually is, and I can't trust my own perceptions. It sucks, and it's not healthy, and I think just recognizing that what your brain is telling you might not be true is a huge first step. So, you've got that.

Here's what I've found helps:
1. Talking about it. Over this past winter I ended up having a conversation about it with one of my best friends, who I had a hunch dealt with similar issues (I was right). It was like a huge weight off my chest, and now we try to keep each other in check. She lets me know if the image I'm getting from the mirror is accurate or complete bullshit (and usually it's complete bullshit). She talks sense to me.

2. Reading about it. I read pretty much every book about body image, eating disorders, self-acceptance, etc. that I can get my hands on. Unbearable Weight by Susan Bordo is kind of textbook-y, but was really helpful for me in trying to better understand myself, my broken perceptions, and maybe how they got that way. This Is Who I Am by Rosanne Olson is a really cool coffee-table book that is women of all different sizes, ethnicities, ages, etc. posed naked or mostly naked, just loving their bodies and talking about why (and why they struggle/have struggled with that love either currently or in the past). It's so rare to hear women speak with kindness about their bodies, and it helps me to read that from time to time. It doesn't fix everything in my head, but it adds additional perspective that does help kind of balance what's skewed in my own.

3. Yoga. Consistent yoga practice teaches me to be kind to myself, and reminds me that there are worthy goals outside of perfection. It gets me as in touch with my body as I think I will ever get, and it exposes me to people of all different sizes using their bodies in beautiful ways. It has been (and continues to be) so so so good for me.

I don't know. It won't go away on its own, and might never totally go away, but I hope you find some help and some relief from it all soon. I think that's definitely possible.
 

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I'm going to say eating disorder over BDD. Sufferers of body dysmorphic disorder tend to be more fixated on perceived/imagined facial deformities than bodyweight.

If you're not actively starving yourself, aren't bulimic or a binge eater, you could still have something called EDNOS, abbreviation for 'eating disorder not otherwise specified'.
 

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What a jerk! I was in a similar situation, when I was junior high age I developed similar habits after some boys started to routinely tease me for my looks. I also hate having my picture taken to this day.

The best thing you can do in my experience is to identify what triggers your negative body image. For some people it's numbers (weighing yourself, measuring your waistline, etc.) and for others it's hanging around people who talk obsessively about weight. Those are the two common ones I can think of, but it could be anything in between. A positive counterpart of this is to think of healthy things that make you feel attractive.

Another thing to do is develop a support system of people who can "pull you down to Earth" when you're thinking bad, untrue things about yourself. I won't say anything about your appearance because I've never seen you, but I can tell you I've never seen a 5 foot tall person in your weight range who looked chubby in the least.

If you find yourself engaging in dangerous behavior like binging or purging, you need to see a doctor. I know it's ironic coming from someone who hates therapists but there are people who can help you if those habits emerge again. The longer you wait, the worse it will get.

I hope you start to feel better soon.
 
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