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Hi!
I'm about five months into my first relationship and looking for some advice. We've been mostly doing good so far, except for the occasional minor argument. We both care deeply for each other and neither of us hesitates to show it, yet there's one issue that's been bugging me lately. In the start of our relationship I felt pressured into doing sexual stuff, mostly because I knew that he, as a guy, was expecting something sooner or later. I also have a history of childhood sexual abuse, something my boyfriend is fully aware of. I should mention that we are both virgins. I told my boyfriend about this and he apologized and said he didn't realize I felt this way. As we got more and more intimate he would try to take things further on every occasion we hung out. He still acts this way and has admitted he is unable to control himself, though he is very sorry about it. Just last night he cried in front of me, claiming I deserve much better and how he'll never be good enough for me. This is really frustrating. I understand it's a normal thing for teenage guys to get turned on easily, but I don't find it particularly pleasant to always be met by a boner. In addition, I have a low sex drive and I don't get turned on easily. How do we solve this?
 
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Haikyo said:
I also have a history of childhood sexual abuse, something my boyfriend is fully aware of.
Being “fully aware" is obviously not enough.

In addition, I have a low sex drive and I don't get turned on easily.

He still acts this way and has admitted he is unable to control himself, though he is very sorry about it. Just last night he cried in front of me, claiming I deserve much better and how he'll never be good enough for me.

How do we solve this?
By taking his self-awareness serious. Two incompatible systems. You are the wrong girlfriend for him. And vice versa.
 

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Well is he with you as a friend, or as a sexobject? I could never imagine forcing one I cared to fulfil "my" needs. Sounds nasty. There's a reason it's called a boy/girl-"friend" at the end of the today. It's because you really are great friends, and take it a step further.

My simple mindset about this is just, if you really love a person, you let them do what they want. So if you don't want to have sex with him, but focus on some other stuff, he should understand and make up his mind if that is what he is seeking or not.

I would go as far and say, if you really love someone you let them go. For example if I really loved a woman, and she didn't want to be with me, the only thing to do was to let her go, and wish that she would be happy with another person. To me that is real love, wanting the other person the very best, if it is with or without you. Doesn't matter.

Well I think most people are mostly unconscious about what they are doing, and the body is controlling a lot of people completely. But if he can't control his libido when he is around you, sounds like he should seek therapy or something. Sounds like a person claiming he can't control his anger, and therefore he ends up bashing another person with a broken bottle. What does it end up with, with your boyfriend then? Raping a person because he can't control himself during high libido? I already see it a little as rape right now. Maybe not physical, but at least morally. That you have told him you have been abused, but even though he knows that, he just wants to "sex you".

He also sounds pretty unstable when he is breaking down and crying about it, and taking on the victim-mentality-hat saying you deserve much better and blabla, to earn egoistic sympathy points.

How do you solve this? Well if you can't figure it out with pure talking how you really feel, and what you want out of a relationship. Then I honestly don't see much hope. I must admit I never understood people can be together without talking about stuff, and figuring things out. Then it looks like a pretty weak relationship that can break with the least resistance. At least that is how I fix things with the one I like right now. I know we can always sit down, and talk things through, and both of us are willing to go there, even though it is uncomfortable, and we feel safe doing it, because we both focus on coming out on the other side more intelligent, than when we started, and wanting the best for the relation.
 

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What he needs is a sex-buddy..

Also, communication is the key to everything. Why don't you tell him about this? (Although I understand your hesitation, as he might cry or something again..)
 

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Maybe it's because he thinks a relationship is quite largely defined by intimacy and sexual fulfilment, among other things.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Otherwise a girlfriend/boyfriend might as well just be a friend.

Not your fault you aren't interested in sexy stuff as much, and not his fault he has a desire to be more intimate.

If it made him cry then he certainly isn't just being a prick with a hard-on. It's a serious issue for him and he wants that intimacy.

If you can't give it, and he can't control it, then there may be some compatibility issues looming.
 
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If he's still pressuring you to do stuff knowing your history then he doesn't respect you. Why stay with someone who doesn't respect you/your boundaries?
 

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Women are wholeheartedly expected to control not only their sexual desires, but half the times we’re not even expected to be seen as sexual beings. The fact that boys get away with shit like that ‘I can’t control myself’ is ridiculous. Yes you can. Control yourself. Stop humping your girlfriend’s leg. Tell him to masturbate before you hang out and to cut the shit.

 

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I see disaster pending here. You may be subliminally punishing him for his ardent sexual desire in order to gratify a need for vengeance of your sexual abuse. You should be basking in the honor he pays with with his erection, not kidding. Let him go or find him a girl to do it with while you watch. You may discover that penises can also be wonderful things.
 

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Seek professional help for both of you and exhibit productive changes in your lives based on that help.

Alternately, break it off and go your separate ways.
 
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I see disaster pending here. You may be subliminally punishing him for his ardent sexual desire in order to gratify a need for vengeance of your sexual abuse. You should be basking in the honor he pays with with his erection, not kidding. Let him go or find him a girl to do it with while you watch. You may discover that penises can also be wonderful things.
W...........TF is this? Did you even read the OP? She said she had suffered sexual abuse and you're telling her she's to blame for not worshipping his dick? Got to be a troll.
 

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I know that opening up and voicing your most emotionally vulnerable side is hard, I couldn't help but notice we share two types so I can at least understand your perspective, especially when doing so might make you feel rejected and pushing the other person to give you an ultimatum. But sometimes it can't be helped.

He knows your history and he knows you're not ready, you've explicitly told him so.

If he cannot respect your own pacing and he keeps on trying to convince you to do as he pleases, often tricking you into guilt, then he doesn't respect you as a person. Love isn't just lust and passion, love isn't fluffy infatuation. Love is understanding another person and their motivations, learning when to compromise and wanting to do so for their sake and your own as well as you only want their happiness. You've got nothing to blame yourself about.

What you've gone through is extremely traumatic and coping methods and timing are extremely subjective.
 
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Cut bait & set me free so that I can begin mourning the loss, recover & put myself back out there in hope of meeting a healthy gal.
Because she's sadly suffered sexual abuse means she's unhealthy and not worth your time? Kind of selfish, no? Unless you're just out for sex in which case, cutting her off would be good for ​her.
 

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guys may cry when they feel something, just like any other person, but unless their actions show a change their tears mean nothing--he may even be crying for himself and his own unresolved issues, and not for you or your circumstance, nor what he's doing to you. especially if young, as a lot of young people/very immature people kind of get off on their own personal demons, romanticizing it.

everyone can control themselves, they just fucking choose not to--simple as that...


and by the way:

You should be basking in the honor he pays with with his erection, not kidding.
*head nod* how you doin'?
 

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Hang on, are you both teenagers? Given your history, it's normal that you're not ready for sexual stuff and seeing as you are both very young, there is no need for you to be in that kind of relationship anyway. Why don't you focus on your interests, school(?), work (?), friends etc.
Alternatively, do like someone above said: tell him to masturbate before you meet up.
 

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Children of the Bad Revolution said:
W...........TF is this? Did you even read the OP? She said she had suffered sexual abuse and you're telling her she's to blame for not worshipping his dick? Got to be a troll.
Yes, I did read the original post and my answer should have told you I understood the trauma on a deeper level than you have. Did you miss the possibility that this boy is being made a victim of crime that wasn't his? Only if you believe all men are evil because they have a penis can the reply above make sense. My advice was sound even if you don't understand it. Implying that I was twice making her a victim was a nasty and disingenuous way to interpret my advice. Did you happen to share the same kind of trauma as a young girl? That's the only way I can account for such a strange twisting of my meaning.
 
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Yes, I did read the original post and my answer should have told you I understood the trauma on a deeper level than you have. Did you miss the possibility that this boy is being made a victim of crime that wasn't his? Only if you believe all men are evil because they have a penis can the reply above make sense. My advice was sound even if you don't understand it.
Wow. Just stop.
 

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Hi!
I'm about five months into my first relationship and looking for some advice. We've been mostly doing good so far, except for the occasional minor argument. We both care deeply for each other and neither of us hesitates to show it, yet there's one issue that's been bugging me lately. In the start of our relationship I felt pressured into doing sexual stuff, mostly because I knew that he, as a guy, was expecting something sooner or later. I also have a history of childhood sexual abuse, something my boyfriend is fully aware of. I should mention that we are both virgins. I told my boyfriend about this and he apologized and said he didn't realize I felt this way. As we got more and more intimate he would try to take things further on every occasion we hung out. He still acts this way and has admitted he is unable to control himself, though he is very sorry about it. Just last night he cried in front of me, claiming I deserve much better and how he'll never be good enough for me. This is really frustrating. I understand it's a normal thing for teenage guys to get turned on easily, but I don't find it particularly pleasant to always be met by a boner. In addition, I have a low sex drive and I don't get turned on easily. How do we solve this?
I think you should cut him off for his benefit. By and large, teenage boys are very hormonal, and are horny like all the time. That subsides in most of them with time. Until that time, if you're not ready for sex, then you'll have to do some rejecting. Or you'll just stay in this situation perpetually. Having mismatched sex drives is a fundamental incompatibility that breaks many relationships apart.

Is it possible to find a teenage guy with a low sex drive? Yes. Is it likely? No. Just wait it out for a few years and you may have an easier time.

Just my opinion.
 
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