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This went unanswered in another thread, so I’m reposting here (with a few changes).

My ISTP boyfriend is in his 30s. We love each other and are very affectionate. We’ve been a couple for 8 months, and now we live together. For the first couple of weeks of our relationship, the sex was frequent and enthusiastic. Then it became maybe 3 or 4 times a month. Because of surgery several years ago, if I go for longer than a week or so without sex, my insides dry up and sex becomes painful. So this infrequent business will not work for me, especially if it gets worse. We’ve talked about this several times.

When we do have sex, it’s fine. But often, when I suggest or try to initiate sex, he says we’ll do it later (e.g., later in the day, or tomorrow morning), and then it never happens. Sometimes he “goes along” with it for a few minutes, and then suddenly says he’s too tired or whatever. I wish he’d just say no, so at least I’d know it was a no.

He says the problem is him, not me. He says he had a high sex drive for many years but had trouble finding anyone to do it with, and then he kind of lost his drive a couple of years ago (before we met). He says his parts function fine, and he “wants” to have sex with me, but somehow there is a disconnect between his desire and his body.

For what it’s worth, I think he’s in a Ti-Ni loop these days. He’s an artist, but all he does is play video games and go for walks.

What would be the best way to deal with an ISTP (or anyone) who is doing this? Should I continue to express an interest in having sex with him, or just give up, or what? Other than this, the relationship is great, and I don’t want to break up with him. Thank you.
 

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I'm just throwing it out there but it might be a good idea for him to see a therapist. Maybe it's some kind of trauma from a past relationship that's resurfacing when you 2 moved in together. You might want to have a talk with him to understand what's up, just don't be confrontational so it doesn't turn into an argument.
 

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Sounds like maybe he's got stuff happening that affect him, like stress or even depression. If that's so, he needs to do something about it for sure, i.e. therapy. He says there's a disconnect with his body and desire, well he's gotta solve that. There's also a possibility you are not that sexually compatible, I'm afraid. Maybe you could try getting toys and such to bring some variety and new excitement, which would be good for your dryness issue as well as you'd at least get some satisfaction if he's not able to.
Whatever the issue is you have to talk about it in a way that will bring solutions, not to blame each other.
 

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1. I’m a therapist. don't bother with therapy just dump him. Too many excuses.

2, Alternatively. Stop asking for sex or expecting it and switch the control over to you. He has all control at the moment. Wait until he wants sex and say no. keep this up until his original stallion like enthusiasm returns. Learn how to get what you want and to not accept the crumbs from his table.

Your excuse about dryness, you must take responsibility for your own sexuality. He will not, It is not his concern and never will be. Get a vibrator learn to have good sex without him.
Do you really need a man controlling your life like this??
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Thank you all for your responses. I'm not worried about what he should do (e.g., therapy); that's his problem. My question was more about how I can deal with him, e.g., whether continuing to pursue sex with him would just turn him off more.

There's also a possibility you are not that sexually compatible, I'm afraid. Maybe you could try getting toys and such to bring some variety and new excitement, which would be good for your dryness issue as well as you'd at least get some satisfaction if he's not able to.
Whatever the issue is you have to talk about it in a way that will bring solutions, not to blame each other.
You might be right about the incompatibility. He sometimes mentions that he likes a certain "kink" but I don't know what kind and he won't tell me. Also, he has mentioned "knowing something about the porn industry." I don't know the extent of his involvement, but maybe it messed him up somehow, or at least led him somewhere that he knows I don't want to go.

As it is, he wants a certain thing every time--it's not a bad thing, but every time? Boring. As for toys and such, these can fill a need if one has a partner, but I have no interest in doing that with a partner. Anyway, I don't think that would help spark his interest. He has said he'd be willing to do non-intercourse sexual things with me in order to satisfy me, but in reality it doesn't happen.

I feel like we've talked about this as much as we possibly can.

1. I’m a therapist. don't bother with therapy just dump him. Too many excuses.

2, Alternatively. Stop asking for sex or expecting it and switch the control over to you. He has all control at the moment. Wait until he wants sex and say no. keep this up until his original stallion like enthusiasm returns. Learn how to get what you want and to not accept the crumbs from his table.

Your excuse about dryness, you must take responsibility for your own sexuality. He will not, It is not his concern and never will be. Get a vibrator learn to have good sex without him.
Do you really need a man controlling your life like this??
I'm afraid you're right. I've already suggested that maybe I need to lock him out of the house once in a while so I can masturbate.

I'm thinking I need to just give up so he can't keep throwing cold water on my enthusiasm. Of course this will probably change other things in our relationship. And that will bring into question whether we should be together at all. He is a wonderful person, but I already have 2 brothers and don't need another.

So yeah, I don't want to dump him but it might come down to that.
 

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Incidentally what video games does he play?
 

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Ever occur to you guys to get bloodwork done to check his levels? Start there before waving the "is it bc he's an ISTP???" card. More than likely he has low testosterone with other health issues- if not, he prob doesn't enjoy sex with you. Then you might want to seek a sex therapist or whatever.
 

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Discussion Starter #11 (Edited)
Incidentally what video games does he play?
I'm not sure, I never took an interest. He seems to like story games and some FPS. Also some older low-res games (not as simple as Pac-Man, but close).

Ever occur to you guys to get bloodwork done to check his levels? Start there before waving the "is it bc he's an ISTP???" card. More than likely he has low testosterone with other health issues- if not, he prob doesn't enjoy sex with you. Then you might want to seek a sex therapist or whatever.
Thanks, and sorry if I offended by mentioning his type. I don't think the problem has anything to do with his being an ISTP, except maybe if he's in Ti-Ni loop. Mostly I was wondering if an ISTP might react differently to different approaches on my part (e.g., feeling "pressured," or preferring to discuss things a certain way). He does have health issues, and low testosterone might be in there somewhere, but he seems resistant to seeking help, testing, etc.
 

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I'm not sure, I never took an interest. He seems to like story games and some FPS.
I'm only asking because I have extensive experience with certain video games effecting mood and even by extension sex drive.

Not to say it is a causation but I'm simply looking at it from an angle different to what others were looking at.

With that being said I would caution against approaching this based on personality type. There is a whole host of nuance in personality that MBTI fails to account for and especially challenges related to human sexuality it is best left to approach it from a purely subjective point of view.
 

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Thanks, and sorry if I offended by mentioning his type. I don't think the problem has anything to do with his being an ISTP, except maybe if he's in Ti-Ni loop. Mostly I was wondering if an ISTP might react differently to different approaches on my part (e.g., feeling "pressured," or preferring to discuss things a certain way). He does have health issues, and low testosterone might be in there somewhere, but he seems resistant to seeking help, testing, etc.

Not offended. It's just redundant to try and give air to 'diagnose' someone based on type. How odd would it be to go into a GPs office and start off with: "well doc, he's an ISTP..."

Anyways, if it were my situation, I'd have him get tested and then see if it has to do with hormones or any vitamin deficiencies. If that checks out, then I'd seek a couple's therapist. Perhaps he's not engaging bc he thinks sex is now only about your vagina needing to be lubed. I can see how that would be off-putting.
 

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Huh? re: your insides drying up. Take care of that yourself rather than relying on a dude with spotty desire.

Don't know if he's got any mental blockages, but I do know that a bit of the 'sex drive' is lost after being celibate/abstinent for long periods of time... and compounding that with laying around playing video games make it worse.
 
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Thank you all for your responses. I'm not worried about what he should do (e.g., therapy); that's his problem. My question was more about how I can deal with him, e.g., whether continuing to pursue sex with him would just turn him off more.


You might be right about the incompatibility. He sometimes mentions that he likes a certain "kink" but I don't know what kind and he won't tell me. Also, he has mentioned "knowing something about the porn industry." I don't know the extent of his involvement, but maybe it messed him up somehow, or at least led him somewhere that he knows I don't want to go.

As it is, he wants a certain thing every time--it's not a bad thing, but every time? Boring. As for toys and such, these can fill a need if one has a partner, but I have no interest in doing that with a partner. Anyway, I don't think that would help spark his interest. He has said he'd be willing to do non-intercourse sexual things with me in order to satisfy me, but in reality it doesn't happen.

I feel like we've talked about this as much as we possibly can.

If you want to be a couple with him for the years to come I think you should care about how he handles such issues. His problems affect you and your relationship and moreover if he is not motivated to solve them for himself maybe he will get motivated to do it for you.

I think it's important to share kinks with your partner at least after some point in your relationship but of course it's not always easy, especially if the person is afraid how the other partner will react and such. 8 months isn't that long and maybe he's not comfortable sharing yet but maybe if you somehow made him comfortable it would make things better. I'm not sure, because I feel that if you were really compatible you would be having sex regardless of those kinks but sexuality is complicated so it anything could happen I guess. Maybe he has issues with his sexuality that lower his libido or make him feel bad, or something.

Overall this goes in the "he needs to deal with his problems" thing.

Regardless if you use toys with him, it would be a good idea to use them for you since you have the dryness issue. You should be taking care of yourself and probably be masturbating regardless of where he is. Maybe that would turn him on enough, too.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
If you want to be a couple with him for the years to come I think you should care about how he handles such issues. His problems affect you and your relationship and moreover if he is not motivated to solve them for himself maybe he will get motivated to do it for you.

I think it's important to share kinks with your partner at least after some point in your relationship but of course it's not always easy, especially if the person is afraid how the other partner will react and such. 8 months isn't that long and maybe he's not comfortable sharing yet but maybe if you somehow made him comfortable it would make things better. I'm not sure, because I feel that if you were really compatible you would be having sex regardless of those kinks but sexuality is complicated so it anything could happen I guess. Maybe he has issues with his sexuality that lower his libido or make him feel bad, or something.

Overall this goes in the "he needs to deal with his problems" thing.

Regardless if you use toys with him, it would be a good idea to use them for you since you have the dryness issue. You should be taking care of yourself and probably be masturbating regardless of where he is. Maybe that would turn him on enough, too.
Thank you. I'll consider what you said.

To clarify re the "dryness issue," it isn't just dryness. It's vaginal atrophy--changes in the wall of the vagina. I won't describe it in detail, but you can look it up if you want. What it means to me is that if I go without sex for a while, sex becomes painful; it's like being rubbed inside with sandpaper. But if I have regular sex, I'm fine (don't even need lube).

But you and others are right. I need to look after this problem myself, which is easy enough to do. I'm just disappointed that I have to do this when I have such a nice boyfriend!

This morning he said he just figured out that he might have a certain condition. I've encouraged him to find out more about it. I think it will help us too--he might be more realistic about how when we can have sex. And if he understands it himself, he can be more honest with me about it.

I appreciate everyone's input. It's really helped me think things through.
 

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Can you expand on that? What games & genres have had positive/negative affects on sexual drive?
Mostly I find it's competitive level gaming usually but not limited to fps and moba genres.

The atmosphere they create tends to deal with a lot of adrenaline and dopamine hits across a short amount of time.

As such a string of losses and defeats tends to dampen both which can lead to a negative effect on the overall mood that ultimately effects sex drive.
 
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