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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Ok first of all I need to mention that I need to finish homework but I can't concentrate because I need to try to get advice about this because it is literally driving me insane! This is going to be long so please don't bail out on reading this because this is going to take me a while to type. XD

Ok so I know this shouldn't bother me, but it is.

I have a best friend who goes to a different college and I've been very close with her since I was 5 (I'm 19 now), let's call her Erica (not her real name). Erica is friends with someone from her college (let's call him Mark) who is very good friends with a guy who goes to my college (let's call him Terrence). Since I am at a very small liberal arts college and Erica is at a small-medium sized college we have no choice but to at least be familiar with basically everyone on our campuses. Terrence was in a Philosophy/English class with me last semester. This was a discussion based class that every freshman is required to take and each section of this class is very small, so every knew everyone pretty well because we met every other day for 2hrs each section. BUT ANYWAY!

Mark asked Terrence if he knew me and Terrence told him that "I scare the crap out of him."

When I found this out I was completely shocked. I always thought Terrence seemed pretty cool. On the first day of school I actually sensed that he might even be an ENTP so I was naturally fascinated by him. I didn't have a crush on him or anything, but I wanted to keep an eye on him and maybe get to know him because he gave off that intelligent and smart-ass vibe that I think is great!! So I never really got to know him in an outside-of-the-classroom kind of way but I still live in the same building as him so I always said hi and I'm always friendly in a shy way.

This has been making me wonder for about two months because now I'm wondering if other people think I'm "scary." I know I shouldn't care, and I know that the people who would judge me aren't worth being around, but I don't really have a choice because I have a very very very small graduating class size (about 400 something) so I will need to cooperate with these people until I graduate.

Physically I thought I gave off a "cutesy" vibe, but I see how I might be "freaking" some people out. I am 4' 10", at a healthy weight, and curvy. I am proud of my body and I love it, even though I'm not the healthiest eater but that's irrelevant XD. I have naturally very very light skin and my hair is naturally dark brown, almost black, so I've been putting a semi permanent black hair dye on it to make it look shinier and keep my ends healthy looking. My hair is very layered,choppy, and teased (not ridiculously big, just so it's not totally flat against my head). Occasionally I will wear colored clip-in hair pieces. I wear thick black eyeliner on my top and bottom eyelids, shimmery eyeshadow, light blush for contouring, occasionally I'll wear fake eyelashes, and light pink lipgloss. I love putting on makeup because I believe it helps me express myself artistically. I come from a family are artists and I have never felt forced to wear makeup, I just really enjoy applying it and I like the way I look with it on. I have never tried to use it as a shield or to attract people.

My everyday outfit is usually skinny jeans/leggings/skirts in various colors, a t-shirt with something cute/retro (80s)/a band on it, a studded white, pink, or black belt, colorful high-top sneakers/chucks/ballet flats, a patterned sweatshirt, cute bold and colorful jewelry, and a cute headband. I am NEVER vulgar looking. I buy a lot of my clothes in the children's sections of stores, hot topic, used clothing stores, target, journeys, walmart, and 80s clothes that I've found around my house from my mom or older sister.

Unfortunately, a lot of people think I'm "emo." I am NOT emo!!! I don't like to label myself because my style has been influenced by my fascination with techno music, the 80s, and bands for my entire life. I guess the closest label I would give myself is "scene" but I still do not think I fit that label totally anyway. The fact is I love my style. It is a little off beat in my school wear most people dress "preppy" or "plainly." I don't judge people by the way the dress. None of my friends dress like me and I love being an individual and I hope that people don't feel like they need to conform to any "norms" to have people like them.

I don't have a huge amount of friends at school and I'm okay with that. I am straight edge, as I've said in a previous post, so I have only gone to a few parties at school just for the dancing and socializing.

I am NOT in anyway trying to brag about myself here. I just want to give you some background about who I am. I am a premed student and I identify myself as a nerd, in a good way =). I love school! I am not the best student in the world and I wish I had better grades, but grades are just stupid numbers which in the grand scheme of life will not mean anything (I am trying to get into med school after 4 years of college these "stupid numbers" are a big freakin deal). I truly do not feel whole if I am not keeping myself busy with something scholarly at all times. I love going to shows and meeting bands. I was president of my environmental action club in high school. I love making up dances and making music videos with my best friend for fun. Natural history and art museums are the shit! I have been a hospital volunteer for over four years. I was the recipient of many scholarships when I graduated high school. I have been a caregiver to my extremely loving mother who has a terminal illness, since I was 7. I was a caregiver to my grandmother who was a lung cancer survivor, had dementia, and passed away last year. I am the younger sister of the best sister in the whole damn world. My father died when I was 8 and it changed the way I viewed life, at a very young age. My step father is one of the most caring and funniest people. My heart bleeds INFJ!

I feel like, since a lot of people in college don't know my "story" about how I really am they only see my physical appearance and make judgments about me. I really want to meet people and I am very shy. I just don't know if I scare people away and I really hope that I don't. Sometimes I feel like my "unique" style is a way of keeping the ignorant and non accepting people away. I really want meet some guys in my school but I'm not sure if they're weirded-out by me or not. I DO NOT want to change my style, but I also am not comfortable being the "freak of the school." I've always felt that my style came off as cutesy and non threatening, considering I'm tiny, wear lots of pink and neon, and I wear cartoon characters on my clothes.

AHHH! What should I think of all of this? What do you think of all of this? Any advice, commentary, or anything would be greatly appreciated. If anything I wrote doesn't make sense or want to know anything else please ask me.
 

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Well, you might be scary in the way that you throw yourself into what you do and you always have to be doing SOMETHING.

But I think he's more in awe than scared, don't worry so much about it, god knows I TERRIFY my best friends at times.
 
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Discussion Starter #3
Well, you might be scary in the way that you throw yourself into what you do and you always have to be doing SOMETHING.

But I think he's more in awe than scared, don't worry so much about it, god knows I TERRIFY my best friends at times.
lol! what do you mean by "throw yourself into what you do and you always have to be doing SOMETHING"? :)
 

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Gonna move this from the other thread about this as well.


If the reflection in the mirror is "true" to oneself then the mirror is correct.

If the reflection is "false" the mirror is still correct and isn't the thing that needs to be changed.


Basically "f&ck em' if they can't use their eyes for anything other than simply looking" pardon my language.
 
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Discussion Starter #5
Gonna move this from the other thread about this as well.


If the reflection in the mirror is "true" to oneself then the mirror is correct.

If the reflection is "false" the mirror is still correct and isn't the thing that needs to be changed.


Basically "f&ck em' if they can't use their eyes for anything other than simply looking" pardon my language.
I don't mind the language at all! Thank you! (I accidentally posted this twice with different titles. i tried deleting the first thread but i couldnt figure it out so now there's two of this... ooops! XD)
 

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Yeah only a mod could actually delete an entire thread. Which you could PM if you desired. Just make sure you ask to delete the correct one you want to. :p
 

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In all honesty, I highly doubt that him being scared of you has anything to do with your look.

One of the oddities that most INFJ's I've talked to have mentioned is that people slap all kinds of weird labels on us that have little to nothing to do with what or who we are. There are a lot of things that someone could point to and say, "Ah-hah! This is why!" I suspect, though, that things are a bit more complicated than all of that. So, with that introduction I'll offer the following.

For whatever reason, we come off as incredibly intense to most people most. This puts a lot of folks off. One psychologist that a friend asked about this on my behalf hypothesized that our empathy may set up a an emotional feedback loop. We naturally react to how they are doing, they are affected by the emotional response they perceive, we react, they react... This may not be happening all of the time, but it's one idea.

We also have the uncanny ability to freak-out fake people. I have walked down a city street in a suit and had yuppies jump back. Same thing happened when receiving my BA diploma. Even though I was wearing the same cap and gown as everyone else the chancellor actually cowered. It's not just business types either. I've gotten the same reaction from goths, punks, and emo kids that are obviously poseurs.

The flip side of this quirk is that kids and animals flock to me out of nowhere. Hurting people have glommed onto me for as long as I can remember. I am under the impression that a lot of INFJ's experience this, too.

When considering the above, I need to clarify that there is absolutely nothing scary or threatening (or, for that matter, inviting) about my appearance. I dress in jeans and t-shirts from http://www.thinkgeek.com, cable knit sweaters, or three piece suits most of the time. I keep my brown hair short and my hazel eyes are hidden behind generic prescription glasses. I'm not fat or thin or short or tall or built or scrawny. Totally standard issue, mixed European decent, midwestern US, 30-something dude.

Anyways, I doubt that your impression on this guy has anything to do with what you are doing or not doing. It sounds like he has issues. Even though we get hung up on this kind of stuff, there's nothing that any of us can really do about it. Enjoy your awesomeness! It sounds like what you've got going is a lot of fun and really positive for you!

I'd also say that you already know that you're in a small pond. The rest of the world is a pretty diverse place. There'll be a place to fit in and a guy that adores you. Just give yourself the permission and time to wander.

I'll also echo Hokahey, if what you see in the mirror that someone is showing you doesn't make sense, ditch the mirror. Society is a fun house, not a beauty salon.
 

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lol! what do you mean by "throw yourself into what you do and you always have to be doing SOMETHING"? :)
Indeed, from what I understand of your first post, you throw yourself into pursuits with abandon, enthusiastic about what you do, this may seem intimidating or even, yes, "scary" to some, but it's okay, it's just the way you are, I'm sure they'll see through the reflection of how they want you to be, and instead perceive the real you, and what a wonderful person you are ^_^

So relax, do your homework and maybe even revel in the fact that your uniqueness can inspire "fear" (I think he's confused it with awe and admiration, or maybe he fears the emotions you stir within him *cheeky wink*)
 
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Discussion Starter #10
In all honesty, I highly doubt that him being scared of you has anything to do with your look.
Now that you mention it, that makes total sense. Since this was a discussion based class where we studied texts that could be interpreted many different ways: Gilgamesh, The Merchant of Venice (one of my personal favorites), works by Socrates, Decartes the Discourse on Method, the Bhagavad Gita, and other stuff. I took a philosophy class which was offered for students in the gifted program in my senior year of high school and I started to be able to get over my fear of expressing my secular and liberal views on life. In this college class last semester I convinced myself that I really don't care what other people think about what I believe. I was so scared to even mention that I am not religious for fear that people would hate me because of it. I love learning about religions and I love the culture that goes along with religious ceremonies and culture. I have very peaceful personal beliefs about the world and I wish people could see my views as an alternative belief rather than something that is attacking their belief system. When I spoke up in class last semester I was always polite and very spoke over anyone, but I guess my opinions were a little too different for some. My college, like many other places, is a gathering of people from many different backgrounds. Maybe he just wasn't accustomed to a shy girl speaking about her nonbelief in a deity. ... whatever

One of the oddities that most INFJ's I've talked to have mentioned is that people slap all kinds of weird labels on us that have little to nothing to do with what or who we are. There are a lot of things that someone could point to and say, "Ah-hah! This is why!" I suspect, though, that things are a bit more complicated than all of that. So, with that introduction I'll offer the following.
so true

We also have the uncanny ability to freak-out fake people.
also soooo true. i am very cautious of fake people and i try to stay away from them as much as possible. they are toxic to me and i cant stand it. they frustrate me because i just dont understand how to be anyone but myself. faking ALL OF THE TIME or even some of the time sounds like waaaaay too much work when there are soooo many more important things to worry about in the world that you may never expect.

Hurting people have glommed onto me for as long as I can remember.
I also feel that people who are hurting have always came to me for advice. on a lighter note, my mother (who is an ENFJ) makes friends wherever she goes. people just love her. a lot of these people tend to be very... let's just say unique, to be nice. they are never bad people they are just broken souls and people who have trouble connecting with the rest of the world. for example: my mom uses an electric wheel chair so when we go shopping we go to walmart or target a lot because they have electric wheelchairs for customers to use. for some reason all of the walmart greeters and cashiers love her. they just tell her their life stories! on several occasions they have given her and our family small gifts (which we always feel bad accepting), they hug her, and there have even been some that will kiss her cheek. she really loves to help people, so these people never weird her out and i've always loved getting to know so many interesting strangers that turned into family friends. as i've been going up, i've also noticed this trend starting in my life. i work in a hospital and i've seen strangers become very attached to me and tell me their life stories.

I dress in jeans and t-shirts from ThinkGeek :: Stuff for Smart Masses, cable knit sweaters, or three piece suits most of the time.
i love thinkgeek.com 's bacon flavored... everything! XD such a fun website!

Enjoy your awesomeness! It sounds like what you've got going is a lot of fun and really positive for you!

I'd also say that you already know that you're in a small pond. The rest of the world is a pretty diverse place. There'll be a place to fit in and a guy that adores you. Just give yourself the permission and time to wander.

I'll also echo Hokahey, if what you see in the mirror that someone is showing you doesn't make sense, ditch the mirror. Society is a fun house, not a beauty salon.
aww!! thank you for thinking i'm awesome! you're quite awesome yourself! thank you for the very thorough reply. you rock!! ^_^
 

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I took a philosophy class which was offered for students in the gifted program in my senior year of high school and I started to be able to get over my fear of expressing my secular and liberal views on life. In this college class last semester I convinced myself that I really don't care what other people think about what I believe. I was so scared to even mention that I am not religious for fear that people would hate me because of it. I love learning about religions and I love the culture that goes along with religious ceremonies and culture. I have very peaceful personal beliefs about the world and I wish people could see my views as an alternative belief rather than something that is attacking their belief system. When I spoke up in class last semester I was always polite and very spoke over anyone, but I guess my opinions were a little too different for some. My college, like many other places, is a gathering of people from many different backgrounds. Maybe he just wasn't accustomed to a shy girl speaking about her nonbelief in a deity
Your worldview is beautiful. There needs to be more people that are willing to be educated about the variety in the world. Because when all is read and done, I follow Apatheism toward the major religions. And how I act in the world, is that the World is my chuch and my Religion is to Do Good. Similar to Thomas Paine - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia . Because I've read of religion being used by a thousand different people a thousand different ways in the name of good to do great evil (minus purist buddhism, which only really exists in tibet).

* I speak an open and disinterested language, dictated by no passion but that of humanity. To me, who have not only refused offers, because I thought them improper, but have declined rewards I might with reputation have accepted, it is no wonder that meanness and imposition appear disgustful. Independence is my happiness, and I view things as they are, without regard to place or person; my country is the world, and my religion is to do good.
Thomas Paine; the Rights of Man
 
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INFJs are intense and it carries. Even if the other person isn't used to picking up on intensity, they pick up on it with us. Not sure how or why, but they feel it.

I think it's often in our eyes -- that's usually what I get comments about. I tend to try to keep my eyes soft and hide the whole, "I am peering into the depths of your soul" look from anyone I DON'T want to creep out.

It can also be in the way we carry ourselves. Sometimes there can be a tension to our shoulders, as if we're ready to spring into motion at any moment. This, combined with an intense focus of the eyes can make it appear that we are on some incredibly important mission that we might kill anyone who gets in our way. Or something. Idk, I'm just guessing what they get out of it.

Tied in with words, with our expressed thoughts, it can be a scary combination. If you are at all advanced of the others, you can be a little intimidating -- they don't want to sound stupid in comparison, you're kinda setting the bar. And, if the INFJ is like you and apparently unafraid to go against the flow... <sees people fleeing in all direction> yeah. People are made uncomfortable by the unknown and the unexpected, and someone who is willing to dive head first into the uncommon is dangerous. "People... just... don't.. can't... do that! It's not right, fair, it... they.. uh.. are they even allowed?"

I'm a rather unintimidating female like you -- rather average, actually. I generally dress preppy or in a tshirt and jeans, and my makeup is usually fairly natural. Sure, I'll occasionally wear a full suit or a dress to class in my "wear your muddy farm clothes to class" college, but I have never noticed anyone notice. I've only ever had two people actually express intimidation (one directly mentioned my eyes), but sometimes I can feel it. They take a step back. Eyes are averted, words that were about to be said are forgotten. Shoulders hunch and arms come up in front of the torso into a defensive posture. Their body slants and shifts away from me, their mind subconsciously telling them to prepare to flee. I am a threat.

<shrugs>

I blink and I smile and say something chipper and move on.
 

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@ugivemepuppies
so this thread is what made me decide to join personality cafe because i have experienced the exact same thing and even the way you worded your post almost sounds like i wrote it. :shocked: it's nice to know there are other people that are like me and going through the same stuff. it's a little weird too :tongue: lol. anyway, just thought i'd pop in and say thanks for the post. :wink:
 
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He might mean intimidating, which might have been suggested.

Intimidating is one of the best compliments I've ever given or received. Of course a lot of people won't agree with that, but that's how I see it.

edit: also, if you live in Colorado...I like intimidating "scene-ish" girls ;D

edit2: reading the post below, I realize I may come off as calling your appearance intimidating, which I did not mean. I meant seeming "cold" to people from the outside, which seems common for INFJs
 

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I dress pretty conventionally usually because I don't care much for self-expression through what I wear. I mostly self-express through my creative writing and painting. However, people – of both genders – are still kind of weirded out by me, and I guess it's just my demeanour and has nothing to do with how I aesthetically appear. Perhaps, it's the same for you.

I've noticed that when I talk to people, I tend to look at them straight in the eyes. I don't blink often as well, which probably freaks them out. I also don't smile that much unless I'm with my friends and we're joking around. My face is very expressionless, I guess, and I tend to walk around without noticing my surroundings (since Se is an inferior function for me), and people tend to assume I'm detached and cold, as I don't look at them when I'm walking past them, when in reality I just don't notice them as I'm in my own world. I also have that INFJ stare where I'm looking at someone or something but I'm not really looking at them – it's that stare where you're looking at nothingness, and that weirds a lot of people out, although I do it totally involuntarily and without taking notice.

So what I'm getting at is that basically you may be involuntarily doing some of the above, and it may not be your clothes at all. Try observing yourself when you talk to people or strangers, and notice the facial expressions you make. People tend to get intimidated when you look at them straight in the eyes, for instance, or if you stare at their faces for too long – I tend to do that often, aha.
 
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haha, I think it's a infj thing. I've been told by people that when they met me, they thought I was intimidating. I was quiet, always watching people, and even though I didn't formally know them, I knew somethings about them ;D I think I'd be freaked out, too if I were them.... um boys? They probably were intimidated by me. I found out that there were a few guys who had a crush on me, but because I was so reserved and quiet, they were afraid to ask me out... I've only been asked out by 3 guys and they got to know me better first before they asked me out. haha
 
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