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When is it "just a break" and when is it a delayed break-up?

Personal story: After 6 years of serious relationship (Me - INTP, She - ISTP; both in our 20s) she suddenly changed her behaviour. She began to lie, acting childish, hiding things from me, making plans including just her, and not WITH me anymore. She just said she wants to be "more free" and "rediscover her", that's after I found out she is texting (and seding pics) with a "friend" a lot more than I think it is normal.

Ok, that looks like a classic "getting bored after X years, realizing that you don't want to ruin your youth in a serious relationship and you want to experiment things at an age that is "reasonable"" but why I don't understand it's why that couldn't be a mutual break-up, after a nice and chill conversation? Why you have to change your attitude over night and treat someone that once you thought it is your "One and only" like a trash?

Now we are not living together anymore, and she is barely saying "Hello" and never initiate any conversation. I don't know what to do, I'm ok if this is a break-up (It looks like it is) but when I ask her about us she just keep saying that "we will see, I want free time now", and I just don't know what to do. I want US back, but not in a toxic relationship.

If I completely ignore her and live like this is a break-up, I wouldfeel disgusted, disappointed and with that feeling of "That should not end like this, I think we should try more", If I rarely talk with her I feel like I maintain an illusion. She said that she wants to be with me because she love me, but her attitude doesn't sustain this thing. It's so ambivalent.

I see some posibilities:

1. Accept the idea that this is a break-up, ignore her and do whatever the fuck I want.
2. Ignore her and just wait for her to say "Look, I don't think we can be together anymore bla bla.."
3. Accept the idea that this is just a break, talk with her like I want to be in a relationship with her until she says "Ok, I think we should.. or we shouldn't"
4. Talk with her and the final of the conversation should end with a decision "together or break-up".

What I'm doing now is 3. but I think this is not the best thing to do.Also I think she does 1. This is my first relationship and yeah, I'm pretty bad at dealing with emotions.

Thanks!
 

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Sorry that you're hurting.

Don't waste your time wishing she would discuss things or provide closure. Be sad or be mad, or send her a message, but recognize that you are the one with the problem. If you need feedback, sympathy, etc., look to friends and others--not her. From her point of view, you're just being a pain.

I've been with a couple of ISTPs but am no expert. I will venture to guess though that she isn't interested in the future right now. I think she's already told you that.
 

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Beer Guardian
ENTP 5w6 So/Sx 584 ILE Honorary INTJ
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When is it "just a break" and when is it a delayed break-up?

Personal story: After 6 years of serious relationship (Me - INTP, She - ISTP; both in our 20s) she suddenly changed her behaviour. She began to lie, acting childish, hiding things from me, making plans including just her, and not WITH me anymore. She just said she wants to be "more free" and "rediscover her", that's after I found out she is texting (and seding pics) with a "friend" a lot more than I think it is normal.

Ok, that looks like a classic "getting bored after X years, realizing that you don't want to ruin your youth in a serious relationship and you want to experiment things at an age that is "reasonable"" but why I don't understand it's why that couldn't be a mutual break-up, after a nice and chill conversation? Why you have to change your attitude over night and treat someone that once you thought it is your "One and only" like a trash?

Now we are not living together anymore, and she is barely saying "Hello" and never initiate any conversation. I don't know what to do, I'm ok if this is a break-up (It looks like it is) but when I ask her about us she just keep saying that "we will see, I want free time now", and I just don't know what to do. I want US back, but not in a toxic relationship.

If I completely ignore her and live like this is a break-up, I wouldfeel disgusted, disappointed and with that feeling of "That should not end like this, I think we should try more", If I rarely talk with her I feel like I maintain an illusion. She said that she wants to be with me because she love me, but her attitude doesn't sustain this thing. It's so ambivalent.

I see some posibilities:

1. Accept the idea that this is a break-up, ignore her and do whatever the fuck I want.
2. Ignore her and just wait for her to say "Look, I don't think we can be together anymore bla bla.."
3. Accept the idea that this is just a break, talk with her like I want to be in a relationship with her until she says "Ok, I think we should.. or we shouldn't"
4. Talk with her and the final of the conversation should end with a decision "together or break-up".

What I'm doing now is 3. but I think this is not the best thing to do.Also I think she does 1. This is my first relationship and yeah, I'm pretty bad at dealing with emotions.

Thanks!
Hey, do me a favor and take a deep breath. It seems to me what is going on here is your ex is simply immature and unable to express her ideas in a more rational way, thus she has not handled her desire to end things with you and start something with someone else very gracefully. She's caught between the "comfortable familiarity" and security of being with you, but starting to feel desire to move on with someone else, and her inability to take the plunge is causing her to lash out in the hopes you'll end it, and that's probably what you're going to have to do.

I think the best you're going to be able to do is pick up the pieces and move on. Apparently, she already has. It sucks, it hurts, it has happened to nearly all of us at least once (probably more than that) so I think you're going to have to be the adult here and make the break you know is coming. Don't put up with her BS, just tell her you find her behavior unacceptable and you don't see the relationship progressing any further if that's how she is going to act. There's not much more you can do about this if she's acting this way.
 

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Why couldn't it be mutual ? Because she's a coward.

She wants to be "more free", and to "rediscover herself" ? The translation is that she wants to fuck around, as simple as that. This is not just a break. She will sleep around whether you like it or not, she just doesn't have the gonads to cut it clean, like Tanstaafl said because of the comfort and security of the relationship. If you consider it a break it will hurt much more because she'll have an excuse to have walked out on you.

Take as little time as possible to prepare, to make sure she doesn't go full crazy on you, protect yourself, and as soon as possible, end it, make it clean, do not negotiate with her, do not compromise with her. And then once it's done, do not talk with her, even if she comes back to you, begging you or any other variant of that. Your recovery will be much quicker than if you keep trying and it drags on.
 

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You might want to stop and think about your own boundaries--and just let her know that it isn't working for you.

I mean...that's what I'm getting from this. Right? This thing, whatever it is, is not working for you.

So let her know that and seek the support and counsel of trusted friends and family. This isn't all about her--it's your life too and even if she wants you to just hang around in a state of limbo, that's not your obligation and it obviously isn't working.
 

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You're in the 20s. Too young to do shit seriously. Break-up with her and live.
 
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