[Resolution]

I consider myself a person of ethics. I try to do the right thing and I like people who are the same.

My room-mate has been screwing this girl. And I really don't like her. (She is a liar and a manipulator who tosses people away like garbage when they are no longer useful)

So I distanced myself from her.

And then, my room-mate launches into this huge rant, attacking my ethics and saying that the way I judged other people was wrong, and that I was a flawed person. I basically countered that ethics were subjective and that I was well within my rights to decide my friends, and to decide what values are important to me. I got defensive, but i kept my cool.

However... over the next week, he constantly insulted and mocked my ethics. Today, I reached my breaking point and I chewed his ass out.

Thoughts/experiences

 

[Introspiritual]

...and if you're like me, you'd be feeling angry for a bit after that, which would devolve into guilt ("I wasn't considerate!") over about 30 to 60 minutes. And then a few hours or days with the guilt until the situation is resolved...

I hate situations like that, where you are being deliberately pushed to the breaking point. But best to use it as a vehicle for personal growth, in whatever way you can. And realize that most people would likely have snapped far sooner.

 

[curious0610]

Experienced something similar with a very judgmental extroverted feeling type. After I made some attempts to defend my ethics/values from her constant flaw-picking and hypercriticism, I just completely withdrew. Instead, i caused her to reach her breaking point? she knew why i was acting this way, but i refused to let her have the satisfaction of me spelling things out. Because if I spelled things out for her, it would just give her another chance to pick at and criticize me further. my breaking point was when i just started distancing myself from her, and anyone in the situation. Once i realized she was seeing this as a game of some sort, i just refused to participate with her shenanigans.

 

[Staryu]

I consider myself a person of ethics. I try to do the right thing and I like people who are the same.

My room-mate has been screwing this girl. And I really don't like her. (She is a liar and a manipulator who tosses people away like garbage when they are no longer useful)

So I distanced myself from her.

And then, my room-mate launches into this huge rant, attacking my ethics and saying that the way I judged other people was wrong, and that I was a flawed person. I basically countered that ethics were subjective and that I was well within my rights to decide my friends, and to decide what values are important to me. I got defensive, but i kept my cool.

However... over the next week, he constantly insulted and mocked my ethics. Today, I reached my breaking point and I chewed his ass out.

Thoughts/experiences

Your room-mate totally did NOT have to do that. It is unnecessary.
I'd say the best thing you can do at the moment is tell him in a calm manner that each person has the right to do as they wish and everyone is flawed to a certain degree. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. The part about countering that "thics were subjective and that I was well within my rights to decide my friends, and to decide what values are important to me" was a great strategy in my opinion. Chewing his ass out though..was not. It would make the whole situation worse.
I'd say just try and resolve this matter with him, and tell him that you are not interested in his opinions of your ethics.

 

[vel]

first thought is "what's your roommate's problem?" - if you don't want to be friends with this girl, he should not force you to

if you ever gave her cold shoulder in his presence due to your negative judgement then he is probably just feeling protective over her - sex does something weird to a guy's brain, more specifically it activates areas responsible for processing of emotion - sounds like he is experiencing a bunch of feelings he hasn't sorted out and they are spilling on you while he is becoming irrationally defensive of her - i have no direct experiences like this of my own, but i have heard stories of people alienating their circle of friend over their boyfriend/girlfriend with this kind of behavior

 

[Melinda]

I'm curious about how close you are to your roommate and how important the relationship is to you. Because I can understand someone lashing out when they are hurt, but he's continued to attack you, which isn't something a friend does. We, none of us, not just INFJs, need to have people in our lives that support, like and respect us. It sounds like your roommate doesn't do any of these. I'd distance myself from him, even if that means finding a new roommate.

You deserve better!

Melinda

 

[Resolution]

I'm curious about how close you are to your roommate and how important the relationship is to you. Because I can understand someone lashing out when they are hurt, but he's continued to attack you, which isn't something a friend does. We, none of us, not just INFJs, need to have people in our lives that support, like and respect us. It sounds like your roommate doesn't do any of these. I'd distance myself from him, even if that means finding a new roommate.

You deserve better!

Melinda

We came from the same town, and the same high school, but we weren't friends there. My group of friends was more composed and intellectual. He was spazzy xD

He alienated himself from most of his friends here, so I roomed with him because he was deeply depressed.

But no, we aren't very compatible friends at all. He usually wasn't this bad... but ever since he had sex with this girl he's gotten almost intolerable.

 

[whiteashes]

--- deleted ---

 

[soul searcher]

I still think he's ESFP. They are very pushy about people. Once they get an idea in their head about what should be done in relation to a person they know or care about, there's no stopping them. If my dh thinks I should call somebody, he'll nag me a few times about it, then go get the phone, dial the number himself, say hello, and that his wife wanted to talk to them, and hands me the phone. This isen't usually about a call that needs to be made for some practical reason, he'll just get a wild hair about something and decide that I must call so and so to make them feel good, or I'm just not nice.

No advice, just commiserating. :frustrating:

 

[Resolution]

I still think he's ESFP. They are very pushy about people. Once they get an idea in their head about what should be done in relation to a person they know or care about, there's no stopping them. If my dh thinks I should call somebody, he'll nag me a few times about it, then go get the phone, dial the number himself, say hello, and that his wife wanted to talk to them, and hands me the phone. This isen't usually about a call that needs to be made for some practical reason, he'll just get a wild hair about something and decide that I must call so and so to make them feel good, or I'm just not nice.

No advice, just commiserating. :frustrating:

No thank you for the post.

My room-mate is pushy as hell. He nags me worse than my mother. He tries to get me to do things like pay for his meals and stuff, and it really ticks me off. I don't understand why he nags me. He should realize that I'm completely immune to it.

I swear all he does is think about himself, and spaz out!

 

[waterviolet]

From experience, it's always best to make decisions for yourself rather than having someone make up your mind for you. By all means you should be able to decide what is best for you as far as keeping your distance from people who reflect negatively on your life. That's how we all grow. Bravo for holding your ground and stating your peace.

 

[Melinda]

Oof, let him go!

Melinda

 

[SarahWilliams]

what everyone else said... plus, i dont understand why people think we have to LIKE everything/everyone they like.

this is something that has literally confused me my whole life.

sample conversation:
person 1: omg, i loooooove peanut butter cookies
person 2: yeah, ive never really been a fan myself... but i guess i can see why people like them.
person 1: omg, why do you hate peanut butter cookies? that is not normal at all.

seriously, how many times have you had a conversation like that? and of course if you're socially with it at all, you just start pretending to like things or not expressing when you dislike things. it happens with food choices, movie choices, friend choices... and on a larger scale, social issues (the when-are-you-getting-married sort of questions)

summary of my rambling here:
i think people try to validate their choices, by getting people to like what they like. by NOT liking what your roommate likes, maybe he feels less secure about the person he's screwing?

(maybe, dunno?)

 

[Resolution]

OMG you dont like peanut butter cookies? (Jk xD)

You're right on the money with that one Sarah. They had a one night stand. After that, she didnt want anything to do with him. I'd think that'd make him more willing to endorse a negative view of this chick, but that doesn't seem to be the case, I suppose.

In any case... it must be a sore subject for him... and I'm sure I bothered him when I made my judgements of her. :\

Ah... young love. It is a beautiful thing, Oui?

 

[raj]

i had a similar experience this past year. my good ENFP friend and teammate had been slipping in comments to me that were just out of line and completely ignorant. this happened occasionally, and went on for a few months. she has a good heart, but she is extremely ignorant of other people, thinks that her experience with the world is comparable with everyone's, when she grew up a spoiled rich girl...

anyways, she told our mutual friend (ESFP) that she knew they would be friends long after school and blah blah... but she didn't think i was the kind of person that she would keep up with a friendship. i was deeply hurt and offended, because i have always been a great friend to her, and had recently been putting up with all of her put-downs and one-uppers without a word. i snapped. threw a shit-fit, and made sure she knew how hurt i was. (petty? oh well.)

it took half a year to reconcile our relationship, and i am still weary of her. she thinks i owe her an apology, but that's because she's stuck in her own little fantasy world where she can do no wrong.

getting back to you... there's only so much you can take.

you don't sound extremely close to him anyways, so at worst, stick out the year (or term), be as civil as you can, and then let him go. just because you're roommates doesn't mean you have to be friends. sounds like he has some issues he needs to sort through in his life and he's taking it out on you.

 

[Werewolfen]

I consider myself a person of ethics. I try to do the right thing and I like people who are the same.

My room-mate has been screwing this girl. And I really don't like her. (She is a liar and a manipulator who tosses people away like garbage when they are no longer useful)

So I distanced myself from her.

And then, my room-mate launches into this huge rant, attacking my ethics and saying that the way I judged other people was wrong, and that I was a flawed person. I basically countered that ethics were subjective and that I was well within my rights to decide my friends, and to decide what values are important to me. I got defensive, but i kept my cool.

However... over the next week, he constantly insulted and mocked my ethics. Today, I reached my breaking point and I chewed his ass out.

Thoughts/experiences

Stuff like this is why I live alone , no matter the sacrifice or risks to make ends meet. Breaking point.....yes, there would be bones breaking in the worst case scenario, but since I know what I'm capable of and I hate hostile environments ...I live alone, in peace. If having a roommate is necessary , find another one, if you can't kick him out to bring another one in, then I would move in another place with a different person.

 

[GreenCoyote]

I am sorry to the OP for not responding to this OP.

the title of this thread hit me hard tonight because I have hit an all time low.

anyone feel like the complexities in your own mind are just too much for "normal" people to handle.
I mean... i am so fed up with myself. lost, confused.

I had to leave a very close freind tonight. I started to realize that as long as we were friends she would never let me have the floor or talk at all.
I feel very shut up with her, and she is one of my closest friends.
she views me as selfish, and I might as well be I guess.
it just sucks because I have so much going on in my head now that i want the world to move on without me. the conflict in my own mind has far outceded any conflict I even begin to create with people and the confrontation of telling people about my inner thoughts, even imagining those conversations causes me stress.

not only am I feeling really painful internal tension, I can't even talk to anyone wihtout destroying them.
I have become what I always never wanted to become. a black hole. irrepicably broken and destroyed. no one laughs at my jokes anymore, what came so naturally before just comes out as desturbed and weird.

I wish I just had someone to hold onto right now because all I can think about is how no one is ever going to get it, no matter how hard I try to explain my thoughts not even I can understand and put together all the suffering I can go through.
I hate that I have to write about it. I hate that I am sending it out, because my friend I recently ended a relationship with gives me a lot of guilt about talking to her...

I am tired of suffering. I never used to be this way and now it just repeats itself.
my friend told me it comes in waves, teh misery does,
and I really hate that about life.
a whole lot of hate for that.
for all the misery.
everyone's. there isn't anything beautiful or wonderful about any pain at all. I used to think, hey... we learn from it, but there is no knowledge worth the pain I am feeling right now.
the pain of being rejected and heartbroken by your best friend.
I hate this soo much and I know my life can't get better. thats really the hardest part.
everyone who has helped me in the past now is and are these forces of evil. everyone's inner world is visible to me now as clear as day. I see everything it feels like, opened to truth and continuing to move in that direction unfortunatly, and it is pure hell.
the amsolute hell.
it makes you wish you were not hear and that truth and lies didn't exsist. that even communication itself becomes absent. I just wish it all becomes absent soon.
I want nothingness.
i don't want to want out of hell cause I don't want to be in it.

 

[Anahata]

I am sorry to the OP for not responding to this OP.

the title of this thread hit me hard tonight because I have hit an all time low.

anyone feel like the complexities in your own mind are just too much for "normal" people to handle.
I mean... i am so fed up with myself. lost, confused.

I had to leave a very close freind tonight. I started to realize that as long as we were friends she would never let me have the floor or talk at all.
I feel very shut up with her, and she is one of my closest friends.
she views me as selfish, and I might as well be I guess.
it just sucks because I have so much going on in my head now that i want the world to move on without me.

Hello Coyote. The complexities and intricacies of our feelings DO tend to overwhelm us from time to time. I hit that low this week, and have started to pull out of it. You said something up there that really resonated for me and I realized that that is what happens when I'm overwhelmed by my feelings.

The world will move on without you for a time. Then you will process by taking them all apart, you will analyze and in the lysis of all of your immense feelings you will be healed.

@ creator of OP: Hi! Yeah, you are neither out of line nor off track here. I believe that people get genuinely offended with us INFJ's when we notice that we have choices and the other types never saw a "choice" there to begin with. They can't come up with rational arguments to defend their lack of understanding/bigoted ideas so they resort to meanness. Keep up the good fight because you're going to get your friend back (maybe) but he will be crawling on his belly, but only if you wait him out. BTW: You might want to distance yourself from his presence for a time in order to not be a willing sacrifice if you get my drift. There's no sense (to me) in being a sitting target. :wink:

 

[raj]

not only am I feeling really painful internal tension, I can't even talk to anyone wihtout destroying them.
I have become what I always never wanted to become. a black hole. irrepicably broken and destroyed. no one laughs at my jokes anymore, what came so naturally before just comes out as desturbed and weird.

I wish I just had someone to hold onto right now because all I can think about is how no one is ever going to get it, no matter how hard I try to explain my thoughts not even I can understand and put together all the suffering I can go through.
I hate that I have to write about it. I hate that I am sending it out, because my friend I recently ended a relationship with gives me a lot of guilt about talking to her...

:sad: hugs.

 

[zwanglos]

Yeeeaaaaah.... breaking point. You don't want to push me to my breaking point. I can only think of two instances in my life where I've reached breaking point, and the other people backed off real fast.

After I 'break', my body language starts giving off a vibe that says "I no longer care about the consequences of murdering you." And at 6'4", a build like an ox, and with a very-well practiced death stare (I can cow people into submission just by glaring at them), it's pretty intimidating. You'll have to try really hard to get me to that point, I'm talking months of emotional abuse. Otherwise I'm pretty much one of the most mellow people you'd meet.