Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 26 Posts

·
Ayatollah of Coca-Cola
Joined
·
11,718 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Tell me about your experiences with bullies and bullying.

I've been dealing with a number of them myself over the past couple of months, and it's been really taking a toll on me.

How do you stand up for yourself and punk them out, as an INFP?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,384 Posts
I was bullied a fair bit in some of my old schools, although the more I recall it the better it seemed to be - I think there were a few main people who I never got along with, but the majority of the people were either nice or just indifferent to me.

But still, it affected me a fair bit so I consider it to be bullying. I think it when I was 9 and 10 to be the worst of it; I sat on a table with two of my best friends on one side and then two of the main - lack of a better word, antagonists were on the other side. I always found them incredibly snide and condescending to me and my unusual personality and, I think most key, my constant use of my imagination; they would chat up shit about me, spread rumours and tell horrid stories about me and put me down and laugh at my every action. Now, I don't mind a bit of 'banter' about me as I'm aware that I am imperfect and that some mistakes I make are as comical as anything - but back then I was very detached and extremely sensitive. It really wasn't healthy for me.

Fortunately I had two wonderful, supportive and compassionate friends who helped me and gave me an alternative to isolation in the corner of the room, stuck in my imagination.

It's funny though now I don't feel any real anger or hatred towards my ex-bullies. I couldn't care less what is going on with them and whether they have felt pain or been given some kind of retribution, to be honest they're not really worth that. I've just simply moved on and I am largely satisfied with my life (at least in the daytime anyway :dry:). I don't always see eye-to-eye with my current friends but all things taken into account they're great and I like having them in my life, for the most part.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
573 Posts
Stand up for myself? What action do you speak of?! Imagine being on the detention bus in 6th grade....with 8th graders picking on you! Me, being the sensitive type that I am, took bullying to the max and plenty of times I just wanted to [die]! The type of attention that I received was not the type that I needed. My parents were always working and that meant that I had to grow up on my own (which was extremely difficult and hardly tolerable). I guess I just grew up in the wrong scene and didn't know my position in life. I tried growing up with the big dogs and hard asses but that didn't fly too well with my looks and whatnot. But whatever. I am shaped into the person I wanted to be back then, but I just had to learn the extremely harsh way. sigh. That's life, though....experience.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,931 Posts
I was bullied a lot as a child (and at times as an adult as well). It has had a large impact on the person I ended up being, both fortunately and unfortunately. I was tormented in grade school, called names, made fun of, injured physically - but the emotional stuff was far worse. And not just by students, teachers as well.

All I can say is I am extremely scarred by it. I have slipped into bully-mode myself at times as an adult, when I was tired of feeling like a victim. Other times I am especially sensitive to the mistreatment of others. Usually I just have an inordinate amount of unexpressed self-pity. Bottle it up - if I could sell the crap I bottle up I would be filthy stinking rich.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
215 Posts
There was one bully in my class who had more then one target. In retrospective I wish we had sat together and would have done something against him...

My endlessly wise tutor was so clever (/irony) to put this psycho directly next to me. Of course that made matters worse then hell. I started imagining him laying on the street bleeding and whining for help and I would just smile and pleasantly walk away.
There was a moment were I snapped (at that moment he didn't even do something to anyone) and I really tried to kill him (I pushed him from his chair in hope he would hit his head on the next table - not a sufficient plan, but the intention counts). He didn't get hurt that bad of course. If I had a weapon in that moment I think I would have gone to jail...

Even now (around 8 years later), I try to forgive him, but I am still not able to. I am not that angry any more, though. I wouldn't try to harm him. And if someone would start bullying me again I believe I am capable of handling it more wisely. Since I now know that there are things that I can change and there are things that I can not change. And I can't change the stupidity of others, so I don't have to care about their opinion of me. In fact I and everyone else should feel sorry for this lost pathetic soul.

*Edit*
There were other bullies, too. Many who just saw a weak person (since I committed the sin of crying in public which I am incapable of, now...) where they could let off some steam. Some who just were sooooo cool, they had to show disrespect for such a low life as me. And so on.

*Edit2*
The one special bully once threatened me with an air pressured pistole (sorry, don't know the English word for this weapon) in the middle of the lesson. He pointed the weapon on my leg (again he sat right next to me) and said he would shoot. I totally went calm and didn't feel any fear and said to him "If you pull the trigger the teacher will hear it and will confiscate your toy and you will be punished."
Somehow he came to his mind and put his toy away.

*Edit3*
Thinking about it I also was bullied by some teachers...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,885 Posts
@Monsieur Melancholy

What kind of bullying is it?

Is it an individual or a group that bully you?

If it is a group then do they gang up on you or do they act individually?

Are they violent towards you or do they make threats towards you?

Do they discriminate you based on things such as race, sexuality, ethnicity religion etc?

Is there any possibility of their bullying escalating to violence?

If any of those are a yes, then it is a lot more serrious than simple bullying and I wouldn't advise 'standing up for yourself' against them if that means trying to act tough towards them, because you could very well just be looking for a fight and could get yourself serriously hurt. Not all bullies are cowards some of them are just thugs. If it is that serrious then let your work/school/college know about it, the police, your friends and family, consider seeking advice from a hotline, avoid them as much as you can and never go around on your own.

If it is a group of people and they are serriously harrasing you and ganging up on you, then I would offer the same advice as above. Attempting to be more assertive and confident isn't bad, but I am reluctant to advise acting tough towards them because I don't know what these bullies are like or the degree to which they bully or harrass you.

If it simply people calling you names, making fun of you, putting you down all the time or treating you like a 'loser' then I think working on your confidence, self esteem and assertiveness would definitely be a good idea. You can't let them see that it bothers you and you shouldn't let it either, because really who gives a shit about their opinions and petty comments. Ignore them as much as possible, tell them to fuck off or even laugh it off.

When I was in college I got put down a lot by my class, for all my problems I had back then, but I wasn't prepared to let them ruin it for me and considering I had to work with them I learned to laugh it off a little. Not to the extent where I become like a clown, but simply so they see that I don't take myself that serriously, that yes I am aware of my problems and no I don't care about their stupid comments. That earned me more respect or at the least I was liked in the class and I could get along with them. It did help that I had a good friend in that class also though and didn't really care about anyone elses opinion.

I would suggest a combination of ignoring them, telling them to fuck off (not as an emotional response but expressed as I don't care go annoy someone else) and laughing it off, as well as definitely working on being more confident about your self and assertive. Something which is only going to come with practice. Maybe try martial arts or some activity which would make you feel more confident , tougher or even better experienced or intelligent. If you volunteered for example then you would have no reason at all to be concerned about the opinions of some arseholes when you yourself are a greater force for good than they could hope to be.

You should not blame yourself for the way people mistreat you, however if you are seen to be confident, reassured and uncaring about other peoples opinions then no one but the arseholes who make fun of everyone would bother with you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,583 Posts
I don't want to recount the entire story because I'll be here all night. But people stopped messing with me once I elbowed one of them in the mouth and thereby broke his braces, split his lip and knocked out a tooth.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,140 Posts
I wasn't bullied in school exactly, but in 8th grade I was sexually harassed constantly. I think that counts as bullying, but maybe in a different way. It sticks with you, back in the back of your mind, and it takes a really long time to 'get over'. I am 33 and I still have minor issues. Definitely not as bad as it used to be, but they are still kinda there.

I hate the whole idea that "boys will be boys". I know boys go through some crazy hormonal changes around puberty and they are constantly thinking about sex. I know this. But that still doesn't give them the right to be vulgar and harass every cute girl they see because they can't keep their thoughts to themselves. I have horrible memories from that time that make me wanna put on a sweat suit, gain 200 pounds and never leave the house. Thankfully, it hasn't gotten to that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,933 Posts
I was bullied last year during gym class because I "looked at a girl in a lesbian way" in the locker room. Also, she was friends with my former best friend, and I heard her saying that I supposedly "made that girl's life hell" and that she was going to retaliate by making mylife hell. She started saying nasty things about me when I was in the vicinity of her, but I never replied to them. I tried to rationalize this by thinking that it would be a waste of my air and I'd just be giving her what she wants, but I knew it was because I hate confrontation.

I knew that there was no way in hell that she'd beat me up (she's like 4'9" and under 100 lbs) but I knew she was verbally very cruel. I talked to my mom about it and told the principal, but, needless to say, she didn't care. After this she started hiding my lock on me and put hers on my locker because she knew that I always forgot the combination, and had to wait until everyone got out of the locker room and get the gym teacher to open it up. I'd hide it under my clothes, but she still got it. Finally I just took the lock home. Take that, bitch.

I probably should have confronted her back, but I was too intimidated. I was afraid that I'd burst into tears and look like an idiot. I was bullied when I was younger, too; people, especially bullies, can sense my timid nature. It's a huge issue in our schools and even among adults, and needs to be eradicated. What's so abhorrent about it is that I sometimes see teachers joining in! They say that they're "just joking" but I think that it's absolute bull because it makes people feel like shit.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,365 Posts
I would much rather not go into details. I have been bullied right throughout my childhood, basically by everyone.

Did I take any action? you can't take any action when its your family.

When it was in school I endured. There were a few instances though where I snapped. One such instance was when I was 9 after several months of torment from one individual I reeled my hand back and sacked him square in the jaw. He didn't come close ever again. I remember when I was older he was quite timid when he approached me and I could sense he was quite anxious when interacting with me as well.

Currently if anyone tries anything, I have two courses of action I take.

1) If I'm outnumbered I leave it be. There is simply no point in trying to deal with the simple minded.

2) If its one to one I've dealt with enough bullies to have a grasp of what their motivation is. I would then proceed to try and converse their story out of them.

More often than not I've noticed that some people bully others purely because they cannot understand them. Because they cannot understand them they make several incorrect assumptions and in a group mentality this is reinforced if several have come to the same conclusions.

Its best not to bother at this point, they are the definition of "idiot" and therefore any effort on your part to try and make them understand is futile. Instead do what you need to do, ignore the rest and when the time comes where your actions show them what type of person you really are they will finally understand. Don't look down on them then or laugh at them for not understanding, instead treat them as humans and with the respect you would treat yourself.

Why you may ask? well you are indirectly teaching them one of the biggest lessons in the world that is the hardest to teach, and that is humility. Will they learn from it? probably not, it depends on their character and how much they let their ego influence them.
But you are not stooping to their level to gain some form of satisfaction against them.

Instead you are treating them on the same level you would treat yourself on a more human level.
Honestly I think that hurts them even more.
 

·
Registered
INFP 648 sx/sp
Joined
·
2,937 Posts
I was bullied in primary and early secondary school. Nothing special, just generic bullying. I was a spineless and very meek character then, which was probably the main contributor. In secondary school I punched one (kind of half-heartedly) in the face and punched a few others in various locations and it tailed off. I regret that - I wish I'd broken some bones and spilt some blood instead. It would've done wonders for my self-esteem.
Bullying never took off again because I changed a lot; I moved from the perfect student to a well-achieving but somewhat confident snarky nonconformist rule-breaker. I think they didn't know what to make of that; soon after, compulsory education ended and most of the dicks left school to go and live on welfare. In sixth form I don't get any bullying, and if I do I think I would explode very quickly. Everyone left either finds something amusing about me or is indifferent, I'm very different but pretty agreeable, I think. I'm not going to take that shit and I'll knock out whoever tries it - I see no reason I should try to be diplomatic, I've had enough. I know I should, but I refuse to take time out of my day for it.
Some people jokingly tried it this year. I informed them it takes around 3lb of force to break an arm at the elbow, and if I remembered correctly, 15lb to crush a windpipe. I don't think they liked the look in my eye or my tone of voice and I heard nothing more of it.
 

·
MOTM June 2012
Joined
·
9,333 Posts
I was never really bullied, but I remember some kid making fun of my disability once and I started swinging on him right in the front hallway of the school, right as the principal was walking in LOLL. We're friends now though.

I saw bullying though, and I stood up for the person every time. I even picked fights with bullies.

I saw some kids harassing this quiet kid, calling him a faggot and a pussy in front of everyone, even the teacher. I told them if they keep that up, he might snap one day and decide he's had enough, and maybe he might do something stupid like bring a gun in and start shooting up the whole school. They freaked the fuck out, and told me to chill out. I told them to chill out, and that was the end of that. The teacher thanked me after class.

Another time, in gym class, my friend was walking across the gym while everyone was running, and some kid called her a pig and told her to loose weight. I told him to shut the fuck up. In the locker room, we talked more shit to each other and he started to choke me out. I kept swinging on him until the teacher came and broke us up. He was twice my size, and after that, people knew not to fuck with me.

Don't take shit off anyone, least of all shitty people. That's my advice, but I'm probably not the best person to be asking about that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,422 Posts
I was bullied a lot in elementary school. I can't say I have the best advice. Things just changed when I went to high school.

In elementary school, I was picked on a lot for being small (therefore an easy target), for being a good student, a bookworm, for not really being into the things other people were into and when I was 12/13 for being flat-chested and for being "hairy". So when I was really young, it was more physical bullying. I used fight back by scratching, screaming, even licking lol. 7th and 8th grade I dealt a lot more with verbal bullying. I was teased mercilessly, especially those last two years. I'd pretend to be sick so I wouldn't have to go to school.

Then high school came and I actually made friends, people liked me for who I was. A lot of people from my school went to that high school, and they seemed to back off. One girl in particular, who had made fun of me a lot, told me, "You know, you're actually kind of cool." I never forgot that. I think people probably still talked about me behind my back (my best friend, a pretty popular ENFJ told me that one of her friends had said, "Why do you hang out with her?")

I think it was a combination of finding the right people, not caring about/trying to please other people anymore, and other people maybe growing up and not saying things to my face. I think I got lucky, tbh.

Wish I could say something more helpful. :(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
53 Posts
Sometimes they are envious, so they try to take what they don't have
Sometimes they are troubled, abused, in pain and therefor they try to make other suffer too
Sometimes they seek attention, acknowledgement from others, insecure they be
Sometimes they like you, and show it by not showing it
They tease, they harass, they poke, hit kick or punch
They bully.

Such sad creatures. You don't have to fight them, don't have to stand up or retaliate.
Rather understand. Accept who you are. Accept who they are. When you do, you will understand that you are the more fortuned one.
YOU have the ability to not be that way.

I want to share a quote from "A song of Ice and Fire" which I wish I heard and had to heart as a youth.

“Never forget who you are, for surely the world won’t. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.”
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,689 Posts
I moved a lot and was often the new kid/outsider. Some saw being a new kid as a weakness.

The two worst:

One boy shoved me on the playground so I would fall in a puddle. I told him to watch his back. I came up behind him later that day sitting in the back of class. He was balancing on the back legs of his chair. I smiled and winked at his friend and kicked the chair legs out from under him. The punk told on me! His friend didn't back him. It was his word against mine with the teacher so nothing was done. He later wrote nasty names (slut, bitch etc...) on my bag with permanent marker. I was pissed off. I swung my heavy school bag at the back of his head, he went down, I kicked him in the stomach and then hurled much more creative insults at him. I told him the next time he touched me or my stuff, I'd go psychotic and start taking appendages. I didn't have further problems from him.

Some queen bee tried to get the class as a whole to reject me. There isn't a quick solution to that. It's a public image war but I learned her game and played it back. It took about a month to fix that and it was a sucky month.

I probably didn't have the best responses, but I never accepted mistreatment.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Never was bullied in school, but I really fought to protect victims. There was this quite kid Danny who got bullied all the time. He was too scared to do anything about it so I wrote an anonymous email to my teacher. The teacher was pissed the next day as I had written a journal of all the bullying and recounted every single instance of bullying in the mail. The bullies were given a very stern warning and Danny was happier for the rest of the year.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
247 Posts
The worst of what happened to me happened in elementary. Won't go into full detail of else this'll turn into a novel. Put it this way: I was so universally disliked that they made a club dedicated to hating me.
Middle school was more about backstabbing and nasty rumors, plus the most popular girl in school hated me for no apparent reason which didn't help. Actually most of the popular girls hated me, which is strange because I tried to avoid them.
Grade 10 was the smoothest year so far... In relative terms. At this point I just want to not make too many waves and graduate high school in one piece.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
573 Posts
Such sad creatures. You don't have to fight them, don't have to stand up or retaliate.
Rather understand. Accept who you are. Accept who they are. When you do, you will understand that you are the more fortuned one.
YOU have the ability to not be that way.
Impossible to understand as a child.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,138 Posts
I don't want to recount the entire story because I'll be here all night. But people stopped messing with me once I elbowed one of them in the mouth and thereby broke his braces, split his lip and knocked out a tooth.
That's the only way possible to get rid of them!

I used to be bullied in earlier years. Pretty much got into physical fights and those dudes got off my head.
A few years later everyone in my class noticed how unstable and sensitive I became (my parents divorced, mom ran away with some random weird dude, I was brought up by my grandmother, later my mother had a child with him and etc.). Nobody, except my few close classmates and friends knew that, so they stood up for me. I just ignored the idiots and kept on going, no matter how much scars those words and actions made in my heart. In the end everyone were pissed off by the bully and stood up every time he spoke some shit. Eventually he was dropped out of school for bad behaviour and grades.
I was sexually abused by my uncle when I was a child for seven years, so maybe this did a number on me and my sensitiveness. I always imagined everyone around me knew that and I felt really like a piece of shit. To think of, maybe I was just overreacting over the bullying and on that moment the effect was tremendous.

Let's face it, we can take the bullying itself like a way of growing. Every time someone picks on you - you caught their attention, you're different, you're better. If you survive that, it's because you become stronger, later you are that person who can even stand up for others or motivate them.

Monsieur, do not pay attention to them. Such people have their own problems and just try to project them on random people just to feel easier/better. You are a great person with an interesting personality, variuos talents and breathtaking sense of style and music taste. Your jokes make other people's day brighter, your poems are great. Do not let yourself feel worse just because some insignificant individuals are too smallbrained to understand how delicate and colourful you trully are.
 
1 - 20 of 26 Posts
Top