Personality Cafe banner

1 - 9 of 9 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
263 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I was remembering someone whose ex-husband was a 9w1 and narcissistic. From what I've heard this girl was emotionally abused and threatened repeatedly on a daily basis. Being attached to this lovey-dovey, conflict-avoiding and peace-seeking 9 image, this got me thinking.

Of all the enneagram types shouldn't be 9 the least prone to emotional control/gaslighting in a relationship?

Thanks in advance for any of your feedback!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
89 Posts
I was remembering someone whose ex-husband was a 9w1 and narcissistic. From what I've heard this girl was emotionally abused and threatened repeatedly on a daily basis. Being attached to this lovey-dovey, conflict-avoiding and peace-seeking 9 image, this got me thinking.

Of all the enneagram types shouldn't be 9 the least prone to emotional control/gaslighting in a relationship?

Thanks in advance for any of your feedback!
Not really. Their defense mechanism doesn't necessarily make them good people, nor does it mean that they can't be abusers.
 

·
Registered
INFP 9w1 sp/so
Joined
·
2,468 Posts
Anyone can be controlling. A controlling 9 would probably just refuse to be conscious of their behaviour, and being a 9 could have something to do with their specific reasons for it. That sucks to hear, though. A full-blown narcissist is never someone you want to be stuck in a relationship with.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Im a 9 i feel. Test said i was an 8 w9 but identified strongly with 9 w5. I abhore the control of other people. I would so much rather slightly manipulate minor things to reach an out come i prefer. But keeping a grip around someone is the last thing i would want . ive been in a relation ship for 16 years. When were young when we got together. She says im a narcissist, but ive always thought she was a severe narcissist. Weve argued this. How would i find the truth here?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
227 Posts
Usually when we say someone is "controlling", we picture someone who adopts that in their behaviour - someone who is explicitly aggressive or manipulative.

9s control by not rocking the boat or exerting a conscious influence, so they can actually stretch out problems, or pretend that something isn't a problem when it actually is, coming across as dishonest or hard to read etc. It's a weird kind of passive-aggressive form of control, where they get to have their cake and eat it too without really knowing it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
263 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
Usually when we say someone is "controlling", we picture someone who adopts that in their behaviour - someone who is explicitly aggressive or manipulative.

9s control by not rocking the boat or exerting a conscious influence, so they can actually stretch out problems, or pretend that something isn't a problem when it actually is, coming across as dishonest or hard to read etc. It's a weird kind of passive-aggressive form of control, where they get to have their cake and eat it too without really knowing it.
Yes, I agree with this completely!
 

·
Registered
INFP - 9 sp
Joined
·
1,263 Posts
My grandma (9w1, ISFJ) is a real passive-aggressive control freak when it comes to material possessions. She wants 100% control of the house and vehicles even though she can’t walk and basically forced my aunt to live with her instead of going through with rehab.

Of course, it’s not immediately obvious, and if you suggested it, she’d be utterly appalled.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,843 Posts
When I picture a 9 being controlling, I imagine someone who's grown comfortable with a status quo that benefits them but is unsatisfactory to certain others, and when these others try to improve the situation, the 9 starts abusing them by demanding they stay in their place and attacking them if they start to move and change the order, so as to prevent this steady state from ever ending. That can get very ugly, very quick. I also imagine a toxic 9 could easily turn alot of people against you by complaining and lying about you behind your back. After all, who's going to doubt the person who's mode is to get along with everyone?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Had a 9 ex-wife that basically tuned-out whenever there was any sort of conflict or even anything unsettling. She never wanted to contribute to decisions and agreed with whatever I said, but wasn't really paying attention. The result was that she would either resent me later for a decision that I had to make for the both of us or she would have "forgotten" the discussion, leading to further conflict. This happened even when I went out of my way to remind her of discussions and inquire about her views a second (or even third) time. Nothing worked. During the divorce process, I found out that she stole my identity and opened a credit card in my name nearly three years prior in order to transfer a balance from one of her cards to make her finances look better than they were -- all because she "didn't want to disappoint me." The divorce process itself was dragged out for nearly a year longer than it needed to be because she would make agreements and then renege on them. This was well-documented. She would also break several agreements and then accuse me of abuse or harassment whenever I would get upset. It's as if whatever she did was justifiable and everything I did was described in a vacuum. It drove my therapist insane, especially when I would show him our email or text exchanges -- and he didn't even have any skin in the game. When we finally got to mediation, I was told by them that what she wanted was "ambiguous" to them. But they were worth every penny because they got her to commit.

An unhealthy 9 that refuses to embrace constructive conflict, puts their inner sense of peace above the well-being and respect of others, and totally lacks all self-awareness is infuriating to deal with. They can wreak financial and psychological distress on others. They can be so unyielding that they can outlast most types. I was getting exhausted as an 8w7, especially as I cannot abide constant indirectness, passive-aggressiveness, and dishonesty.
 
1 - 9 of 9 Posts
Top