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Discussion Starter #1
From childhood, I am calm and unexpressive, now I find out that maybe I had a high trait of alexithymia
And because of that, I might have behaved like that.

I was critically judged and guided at my every move of life, whether it be how to sit, eat etc, or it be my main life decisions.. from childhood till now. Judged and criticized by my parents who never allow me to make my own decisions because they think that I am a wrong person who does everything wrong and criticize me on every move of mine, because they feel that we should be taught.

Were they emotionally abusive parents? Or was I high on alexithymia so I took their reactions so seriously?


I was unable to be social and be friends with others... maybe because of being intp? Or because of having high alexithymia trait? Or because of parents like this?

Don't know I don't know.......

I had forced "the right things and right feelings" on myself, neglecting my own feelings acc to what my dad always said me.
But was it because I was not able to go acc to my own gut? Or because they had taught me wrong and manipulated me?

My dad never trusted me and always my parents have invalidated my real feelings and forced what they thought about my feelings onto me... But is it because of being high in alexithymia...that the am taking their comments seriously? Or is it real that they are doing a wrong style of parenting?


My relationship scenario -------

My boyfriend manipulated me and always managed to show that he cares a lot while always neglecting me. And did I get manipulated because of being high in alexithymia? Or because he was really that manipulative covert narc? I think I have its answer... I got saved due to my high alexithymia trait here because then only I was able to not get emotionally attached and see that there's something wrong and decide always that I want a breakup.

Recently, a creepy guy, with similar characteristics.. people who appear great and loving and caring and dedicating on the outside but are actually opposite on the inside,.... They don't have selfish intentions but they are still using you for their own ingenuine purposes... Such a creepy guy was after me.
Why do I attract such people?


Main point...... What is the problem with me? I don't get it. I don't know. I can't know.
 

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I'm not in your head, I don't know either the point of view of the people you speaking of, but I have your text written and I'll base my comment on this. I also take as granted that you're honest and I trust you on this, unless you show any lack of coherence, which is something I didn't saw at all with all your post. Sorry if it sounds a bit strange, I just want to be clear that there's a distance between us and that I'm closing it because I trust you. Also, I'm not a psychotherapist.

So yeah, your parents are abusive, I don't know much about alexithymia trait, but this is often seen by people who have autistic traits, and yeah, autists are often abused by their entourage, like very often. So you're not at fault (I'm not an autist by the way, and they could give insights on your situation).

The explanation I have is the following one. Autism or alexithymia isn't a clear lack of emotions, it may have even nothing like a lack of emotions, but it looks like a lack of cognitive empathy. That doesn't mean you haven't empathy, it means that your brain have hard time to process emotions, particularly when they happen to others, it's easier for yourself.

You said that you neglected your own feeling, so it's clear enough, that you're able to process yours, but a failure to do this happen to a lot of people, even people like me who hasn't autism. But for someone like you, it may well be a constant struggle, as such it is recommended to be constantly aware of some sort of cognitive exhaustions as social interactions may go worse as you can't process all emotions during those. Often this exhaustion and the difficulty to process emotions tend to have the following effect on you, it's that you'll have harder to convey your own emotions. Again, you have emotions, it's just harder for your entourage to see them.

Emotions and the transmission of them is an important part of social interactions as it allows people to be invested in the interactions and to give or withdraw their trust. It has been seen in the case of dissociated people, where the brain cut short all emotions to protect yourself from having a heartbreak from the stress, because of a traumatic experience. Those people seems to looks fine, and when they speak of their traumatic experience, they don't convey any emotions. A lot of psys have hard time to trust those persons, they even tend to sleep in front of the dissociated person when speaking of the horror they endured.

Because of autism or alexthymia, your entourage is like the psys being in front of a dissociated person, they can't trust you so they begin to act like they know better than you, and thus an abusive relationship begin. You aren't at fault at any moment, your entourage is at fault, they're the ones dealing the blows and damaging your psychological integrity.

What's important is to connect yourself to your emotions and put effort to describe them, this cannot do you any harm, it'll help you building a self-esteem out of the abuse you sustained. You need friends who are aware that you have hard time conveying emotions, and reading emotions on the face of them, they'll have to give an increased effort. The only thing which should allow them to hold their trust on what you're saying, is an incoherence, not the absence of apparent emotions (cause you have them). Usually it's something most autists do, because they can't base themselves on the emotions reading when interacting with others, they land on the logical relationships there're between everything the people around them, say. Thus they appear more logical, they aren't more than anyone else actually, it's just more reliable for them, and require less energy to do as such.

So you can you have been abused, you have been manipulated, this is important to state this for yourself, and that you couldn't do otherwise, simply because your auto-diagnosed alexithymia trait put you in a vulneralbe situation about trust. If people around you feel like they can't trust you, then you'll not trust yourself, and then they'll decide at your place what is good for you. An abuser want to do that to all their victims, and yes, they prey on people like you, cause they require less time to destroy your trust, they can't even believe in what you said in the first place.

So surround yourself from people who trust in you and let you do what you want, you may feel awkward because you don't really know what it is to act without having someone to tell you what to do, but it's the start of any freedom and power over anything, yourself include.

I'm saying this because I had a phase like that, and I think I still appear awkward, cause I abandonned any trust in myself that I could actually take care of my body and on how I appear to the eyes of others. I denied most of my emotions for years, cause they were to painful, and ended in a similar state. I had the luck to have parents who didn't prey on me, but my schoolmates didn't hesitate to abuse from me, and my trust in them. I felt like everyone knew better, but if you don't trust in yourself, you never know if it's actually the case, or maybe, you actually know better.

So yeah, you know what happened to you, you have every words for it, if you have them to describe your relationships with your parents or your boyfriend, it didn't come from nowhere, and you really exactly describe what happens in abusive relationships.

Sadly, or happily, time doesn't stop, you have to go on, find people who trust in you, so you can trust in yourself.

Hope it helps.
 

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Discussion Starter #3 (Edited)
@Innocentia
I just can't disagree on any of the point! Thank you thanks a lot. Thanks for putting so much of time to explain.
Yes I know, I know this that if I would have had felt my feelings at the time of relationship and in my parent's scene, then I would have noticed what's the realty, but I couldn't notice because my gut feeling isn't that strong, my own feeling of comfort zone isn't strong. Yes I know that feelings are the only answer.

🙂
 

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From childhood, I am calm and unexpressive, now I find out that maybe I had a high trait of alexithymia
And because of that, I might have behaved like that.

I was critically judged and guided at my every move of life, whether it be how to sit, eat etc, or it be my main life decisions.. from childhood till now. Judged and criticized by my parents who never allow me to make my own decisions because they think that I am a wrong person who does everything wrong and criticize me on every move of mine, because they feel that we should be taught.

Were they emotionally abusive parents? Or was I high on alexithymia so I took their reactions so seriously?


I was unable to be social and be friends with others... maybe because of being intp? Or because of having high alexithymia trait? Or because of parents like this?

Don't know I don't know.......

I had forced "the right things and right feelings" on myself, neglecting my own feelings acc to what my dad always said me.
But was it because I was not able to go acc to my own gut? Or because they had taught me wrong and manipulated me?

My dad never trusted me and always my parents have invalidated my real feelings and forced what they thought about my feelings onto me... But is it because of being high in alexithymia...that the am taking their comments seriously? Or is it real that they are doing a wrong style of parenting?


My relationship scenario -------

My boyfriend manipulated me and always managed to show that he cares a lot while always neglecting me. And did I get manipulated because of being high in alexithymia? Or because he was really that manipulative covert narc? I think I have its answer... I got saved due to my high alexithymia trait here because then only I was able to not get emotionally attached and see that there's something wrong and decide always that I want a breakup.

Recently, a creepy guy, with similar characteristics.. people who appear great and loving and caring and dedicating on the outside but are actually opposite on the inside,.... They don't have selfish intentions but they are still using you for their own ingenuine purposes... Such a creepy guy was after me.
Why do I attract such people?


Main point...... What is the problem with me? I don't get it. I don't know. I can't know.
If you grow up constantly being told the way you are is wrong, suppression occurs because it's the best way to avoid distress and confrontation. Eventually you cannot access your own emotions all that well and you can't tell the difference between what you think you should be, what you are and what you want. That's Alexithymia. I have the same problem.

As for why you attract such people, where do you pick 'em up? How does contact begin? You should find your answer there.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
If you grow up constantly being told the way you are is wrong, suppression occurs because it's the best way to avoid distress and confrontation. Eventually you cannot access your own emotions all that well and you can't tell the difference between what you think you should be, what you are and what you want. That's Alexithymia. I have the same problem.
Thank you 🙂

As for why you attract such people, where do you pick 'em up? How does contact begin? You should find your answer there.
Yeah I will search on it.
 

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From childhood, I am calm and unexpressive, now I find out that maybe I had a high trait of alexithymia
And because of that, I might have behaved like that.

I was critically judged and guided at my every move of life, whether it be how to sit, eat etc, or it be my main life decisions.. from childhood till now. Judged and criticized by my parents who never allow me to make my own decisions because they think that I am a wrong person who does everything wrong and criticize me on every move of mine, because they feel that we should be taught.

Judgement or silent encouragement? I had a parent who was brutally honest and critical . Sometimes, it’s reverse psychology. They’re making criticism to build something up . You may get it from many different people in life, actually.



Were they emotionally abusive parents? Or was I high on alexithymia so I took their reactions so seriously?
I was unable to be social and be friends with others... maybe because of being intp? Or because of having high alexithymia trait? Or because of parents like this?

Don't know I don't know.......

I had forced "the right things and right feelings" on myself, neglecting my own feelings acc to what my dad always said me.
But was it because I was not able to go acc to my own gut? Or because they had taught me wrong and manipulated me?

Don’t blame yourself. That’s a character flaw to always blame oneself and think there is something wrong with you. (When the truth is, there isn’t)

what is a “right feeling”? feelings are feelings, they’re emotions, and they’re secondary to thoughts. Feelings are temporary and they are subjective evaluations. One shouldn’t rely on something that’s completely temporary.



My dad never trusted me and always my parents have invalidated my real feelings and forced what they thought about my feelings onto me... But is it because of being high in alexithymia...that the am taking their comments seriously? Or is it real that they are doing a wrong style of parenting?


My relationship scenario -------

My boyfriend manipulated me and always managed to show that he cares a lot while always neglecting me. And did I get manipulated because of being high in alexithymia? Or because he was really that manipulative covert narc? I think I have its answer... I got saved due to my high alexithymia trait here because then only I was able to not get emotionally attached and see that there's something wrong and decide always that I want a breakup.

Your parents are harsh on you, but remember they’re not always going to be around to teach things to you (however brutal those teachings may be) . Take what they say with a grain of salt and don’t take their comments seriously. They don’t always have you figured out but at the very least they have good intentions in raising you, so you don’t cross boundaries like other kids. You would be surprised some parents are too chill with their kids, and those kids literally end up destroying themselves with drug addictions, etc. Sometimes critical parenting is to help children keep within certain boundaries.




Recently, a creepy guy, with similar characteristics.. people who appear great and loving and caring and dedicating on the outside but are actually opposite on the inside,.... They don't have selfish intentions but they are still using you for their own ingenuine purposes... Such a creepy guy was after me.
Why do I attract such people?


Main point...... What is the problem with me? I don't get it. I don't know. I can't know.

It’s not your fault, you’re gonna bump into crappy people because they have their own complex lives that made them crappy people. Crappy people often gain crappy results too. They need to change their own ways and learn their own lessons.

What is the problem with you? I dealt with this exact same problem when I was younger I thought I had and wasted time thinking I had this disorder or this problem with me. Then a counsellor changed my mind entirely he asked me something, I will ask you now.

“If you finding you are different, then what? “ . Instead of seeing the flaw I was searching for as a flaw, he merely saw it as a difference. So in the same way this “alexithymia” is also merely a difference, don’t see it as a fatal flaw. Or a massive problem with you.

Most likely if you find the problem, then what will happen? Nothing. You will “fix it” and go about your life in the same way you would have anyway, gone about your life
 
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