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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I orginally asked this question on this thread: personalitycafe.com/enfj-forum-givers/1212898-i-need-your-advice.html (sorry it's not a full link, I don't have enough posts yet to copy links here)
But I haven't had any replies there so I decided to make a new thread about this.

So, basically, if an ENFJ likes you in some way and shows some signs of attraction, but is not interested in you right now, could that change in the future? Could he develop feelings for someone over time even though he didn't have them before?

Is it more like a passionate and spontaneous flame of unbearable lust and desire for the certain person or long process that slowly develops over time for ENFJs?

I would really like to know this.

Thank you! :)
 

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If you know he is attracted to you in some way, though. I would say that there is definitely hope.

For me, if I am attracted to somebody, but unwilling to get closer to them, it's because there is something about the idea of the two of us together that I am uncertain of. For me, this uncertainty begins with what our relationship could look like from an outsider's perspective, but I am am enneagram 3, so, to my understanding, that should naturally be a determining factor. In most cases if I want to get closer to someone, I'll try to avoid being in the sight/notion of most people. My relationship status has either been single, or hidden on social media for the last few years. This is, of course, the case for a single individual of one type of ENFJ. I can't really tell you anything about them with certainty, but if they're attracted to you and won't go further, I would try to identify and understand the thing holding them back.


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Discussion Starter #3
If you know he is attracted to you in some way, though. I would say that there is definitely hope.

For me, if I am attracted to somebody, but unwilling to get closer to them, it's because there is something about the idea of the two of us together that I am uncertain of. For me, this uncertainty begins with what our relationship could look like from an outsider's perspective, but I am am enneagram 3, so, to my understanding, that should naturally be a determining factor. In most cases if I want to get closer to someone, I'll try to avoid being in the sight/notion of most people. My relationship status has either been single, or hidden on social media for the last few years. This is, of course, the case for a single individual of one type of ENFJ. I can't really tell you anything about them with certainty, but if they're attracted to you and won't go further, I would try to identify and understand the thing holding them back.


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Thank you for your reply.

The specific ENFJ I wrote this about is also Enneagram type 3. So what you said makes a bit of sense now that you mention it. He does seem to care quite much about his social status. All of his female friends are sensors and of quite high status themselves, and good-looking. Maybe he doesn't like how simple I am...

So, based on a fact that he's enneagram type 3 as well, is there still a chance he might develop feelings for me? I'm in no way going to change myself to become socially more acceptable or whatever to make his status higher, so it's just a question about him. As an INFP I value authenticity and being myself no matter what.

And also, why do you care what others think? I've never understood this and that's one thing that annoys me a lot about enneagram 3s..
 

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I orginally asked this question on this thread: personalitycafe.com/enfj-forum-givers/1212898-i-need-your-advice.html (sorry it's not a full link, I don't have enough posts yet to copy links here)
But I haven't had any replies there so I decided to make a new thread about this.

So, basically, if an ENFJ likes you in some way and shows some signs of attraction, but is not interested in you right now, could that change in the future? Could he develop feelings for someone over time even though he didn't have them before?

Is it more like a passionate and spontaneous flame of unbearable lust and desire for the certain person or long process that slowly develops over time for ENFJs?

I would really like to know this.

Thank you! :)
I have a strong ENFJ preference, here's my experience.
In general, I like everybody, everybody starts with a 100% positive, and rarely happens that I start to not like someone. There are two categories for me.

Friends:
I have a large number of friends, also with people who have very different values from me. It's easy to become friends with me. However, most of these relationships work, because I feel that I adapt to a great degree to all sorts of people, because I'm curious, I want to give love, and in general it is fun. If I'm hurt, I am willing to recover, and get things back to normal, and enjoy the friendship again.

Actually, it's very hard to hurt me that much, that someone "gets out of the box". I can only list maybe 4-5 people in my life, who managed to do that. However, those people, they are finished for me - simply, I just don't want to invest even a tiny drop of energy to repair those relationship. I find they had the intent to harm me, were really malicious, broken, or sick. If this is the case, there is basically no way to reconcile, because I closed that door to protect myself.

Partner:
Contrary to get friends, I was was super-duper-selective, about choosing my girlfriends. Usually, I took a lot of time until I committed myself. Even if I was in love at first sight, I needed to test, and check, before I was willing to open up myself fully. Because, when I love someone, I'm fully in, and I give a lot. Much more then anybody else around me. So I was looking for partners, who were interested to receive love, a lot, and to give love, a lot. It sounds appealing to many women, and they say, "yes, I want that!", but actually I discovered many women wanted a much shallower relationship then I wanted, and my love was too much for them.

However, it also happened that the relationship has started to brake. Then, I tried to invest a lot, to make it work again. Only after repeated tries, when my rational mind (T) kicked in finally, saying, "it's not ever gonna work", then I have decided to move on. Most of the time, when I said "it's over", first they didn't understand, they thought it's a joke, because before I always wanted to repair the relationship. Then, when finally they understood I want to move on, then they started to invest, beg and want to go again. But, it was too late, I felt "you should have done this a month earlier". In this case again, there is no way that I open up again. I rather looked for a new partner, with a fresh start.

If you consider being a partner to an ENFJ, the most important for me was authenticity. A tiny bit of pretending, playing games, cheating, was a no go. But this is me, I have high ethical standards, maybe not ENFJ are like me.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I have a large number of friends, also with people who have very different values from me. It's easy to become friends with me. However, most of these relationships work, because I feel that I adapt to a great degree to all sorts of people, because I'm curious, I want to give love, and in general it is fun.
Thank you!
I have 2 questions:

1. In my situation an ENFJ told me he doesn't see me as a friend and that we are too different - this doesn't agree with what you said. Any idea what can this mean? I know everyone is different, so it might be a singular case.

Even if I was in love at first sight, I needed to test, and check, before I was willing to open up myself fully.
2. How exactly did you test them?
 

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Yes, I believe that ENFJs can develop feelings over time. If they have been burnt in past relationships, they learn to safe-guard themselves. They are less likely to reveal their true feelings because it they don't want to get hurt. They idealize relationships easily, so it is best for the ENFJ to get to know someone over time, with less expectation and pressure of what they hope this person is / ought to be. If they have strong feelings for you, they will hope that you can also express strong feelings back. Any kind-hearted, loving & mature ENFJ will be able to appreciate and understand how hard it is to reveal true feelings, but will have the courtesy to let a love interest down nicely.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Yes, I believe that ENFJs can develop feelings over time. If they have been burnt in past relationships, they learn to safe-guard themselves. They are less likely to reveal their true feelings because it they don't want to get hurt. They idealize relationships easily, so it is best for the ENFJ to get to know someone over time, with less expectation and pressure of what they hope this person is / ought to be. If they have strong feelings for you, they will hope that you can also express strong feelings back. Any kind-hearted, loving & mature ENFJ will be able to appreciate and understand how hard it is to reveal true feelings, but will have the courtesy to let a love interest down nicely.
Thank you.

I revealed my feelings for him. He turned me down, but not in a particularly nice way...at least I didn't feel very good afterwards.
But I really do hope, and I actually had an impression that he might start looking at me in a different way once he realize what he's missed.
 
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