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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Can I get back my INFJ friend if he sees me as stressful?

Hey everyone,

Can I regain the friendship of my INFJ friend if I'm seen as stressful to him? I acted really insecure and came to him with all my problems, and though we used to be close, I'm worried I've lost his friendship. He told me that he cares about me, but that he wants me to leave him alone because being one on one with me stresses him out. Is it possible to make it up to him and change his opinion? Or if an INFJ makes up their mind about someone, is it hard to win them back over?
 

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It isn't that he doesn't trust you, it is that you suffocate him. He associates you with stress. There aren't really ways to repair things with a person that biased against you. You should try meeting another person that can help you and support you emotionally.
 

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:p There seems to be a tragic minimum of one of this type of post a day, huh? Now I know for sure I'm not INFJ. I'm not that irresistible. :D
 

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I'm new here but...If you spill your heart to your friend with your problems and he says you "stress him out" then he probably isn't the right person for you. One thing I know for sure is that you can't change somebody else's opinion. You guys may simply just not be right for eachother. IDK I don't want to cause any more stress for you. Just sharing my opinion. I'm an INFJ myself and I don't think I'd ever say that to someone I'm close to.
 

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INFJs can be pretty set if they decide to move on--but equally determined making something we really want/love to work.

Maybe there are other stressful things going in his life right now? If so, it's not that hard for INFJs to get an overload. I know that for myself when that happens, my closest loved ones are sometimes the first ones I'll be able to tell I need a break, probably because that closeness also makes it the most approachable thing that's going on. Stress of a loved one can also be worse than other stresses, because of being empathetic and undoubtedly caring deeply for that person.
 

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I don't don't know if it's an INFJ trait, or just me being a horrible person, but it can happen that, at a certain point in a relationship, the center of gravity can change with someone I've liked or cared for, and suddenly my mind issues a judgment:
LIABILITY!!! :exterminate:

It happens in various situations, as when I feel it's one sided (all me giving lots with no chance of me getting anything), and/or the other party is showing a tendency to make very bad decisions which can only make things worse and maybe pull me down the drain too, and/or the other party is just using me as a dumping ground while not taking to heart my excellent advice, and/or there's just already too much going on with me personally such that I can't afford to spend the time needed of me by the other person. INFJs can see--or we think we can see--how things are going to work out in the final analysis; and if our crystal ball shows big trouble ahead, with little chance of redemption, we can skedaddle with the best of 'em. If it has gotten to this point, it's unlikely the relationship can be repaired; but your best chance would be just to (a) leave him alone for a while and (b) make it so that you're no longer perceived as being a potential source of stress to him.
 

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Would you say you listen to his problems and address his emotional needs to the same level that he does you?
 

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Don't keep your hopes up too much. If this person is really an INFJ, they have probably made up their mind and will emotionally shield themselves from you to try and protect themselves from the stress.

You also have to ask yourself what you aim to get from this relationship in the future. If you change how you interact with this person, are you still getting out of the situation what you want/need?
It's not that hard to force an INFJ to spend time with you (even without realizing it), but do realize that you might be unintentionally hurting this person by trying to get from them what you need. Most INFJ's are very bad at telling others no in any way. If they actually went far enough that they explicitly told you that it's bad for them to spend time with you at this point in their lives, that means that they've had the need to do this for a long time and it's been hurting them for a long time now. Do you really want that for them?

Finally: realize that this probably isn't personal. There's a decent chance they do like you (they were honest to you about this, which is huge) and value your happiness. They just need to take care of their own needs as well. I've seen situations where the INFJ tries to go on and try to set boundaries 'as we go along'. That's a recipe for disaster as INFJ's are notorious for shifting boundaries as a response to other people's needs (especially if the other party doesn't explicitly ask for it). They probably thought this was the way to hurt you the least.
 

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That's completely up to him to be honest. It is very hard to win an INFJ back after they have decided they don't want to be around you anymore - but none of us know just how firm he is in that decision. He may simply need to recharge since you come to him so often with your stresses to talk about.

Or, the worst case scenario is that he's done with you because he feels used.

Unfortunately, I know how that feels. I've come to realise my friendships in the past with INFPs/ISFPs were not friendships - they were all entirely one-sided. They never wanted to know how I felt or how my day was. They came to me to vent, for advice and for a shoulder to cry on and as people have said above, I started to associate all of them individually with stress and unhappiness - not friendship.

Many Fi dominants have a tendency to talk about themselves centrally in conversations with people they trust - that can get very tiring, even to INFJs, who naturally put others' need above their own. It's hard for us to say no and recognise people aren't giving us what we want. And often when we do realise, it's sudden. So when we cut contact, that comes suddenly as well.

It's not a crime to want to talk to someone who listens to your problems - but understand a 'friendship' cannot be so entirely useful for one person alone and not the other. It just isn't fair.

Hopefully he gives your relationship another chance as I'm sure he cares about you after talking to you for so long. But that's up to him. Give him time but let him know you appreciate everything he's done for you and what he means to you as a good friend.

I'm being optimistic for your sake. But if he's already told you how unsatisfied your relationship makes him before, there may nothing you can do.

Feeling used is a very lonely experienced.
 

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Discussion Starter #12 (Edited)
I think he feels less like he isn't able to speak with me, and more like he feels my problems aren't his responsibility anymore. He'll still speaks to me, and says he wouldn't have gotten mad if he didn't care.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
He tells me he cares for me, but he does have other stressers that he didn't tell me about until after I added to it.
 

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I think he feels less like he isn't able to speak with me, and more like he feels my problems aren't his responsibility anymore. He'll still speaks to me, and says he wouldn't have gotten mad if he didn't care.
He tells me he cares for me, but he does have other stressers that he didn't tell me about until after I added to it.
When he would still tell me his problems, I would. He hasn't been as open the last few months though and I didn't know his problems until he got frustrated and told me. He just would say he was busy until then.
Well, are any of these problems that you've had, things you can improve, or work on? Because if they're just things you're either not willing to change or can't change, that's going to get frustrating for anyone to hear about on a regular basis.

If an INFJ listens to your problems frequently, even when it's bothering them, they're likely waiting for you to do something about these stressors. And if you're not going to, it feels like unnecessary stress being added to our lives.

He doesn't at all sound comfortable divulging his deepest feelings/emotions with you - which is a problem. Most INFJs experience this with people they want to be close to but paired with being bombarded with other people's issues is going to drive him away from you even if he does still care.

I have an INFP in my life who I care significantly about - but her presence alone makes me miserable because I came to associate her depression - she only wants to vent when she talks to me. She doesn't talk about things that are going well for her, things she enjoys or things that make her smile or laugh - only things which make her sad. That is not healthy.

That routine was not fulfilling for me, nor the growth of our relationship - which is why I do not see her anymore. Your situation sounds eerily similar.
 

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I lot of what I have to say has already been said. If this person IS an INFJ, then:
a. They really do like you but just need the distance.
b. They have tried to do this the least painful way they can imagine
c. It is necessary to their emotional health
d. Their decision is already made, and nothing you do is going to change it -- you'll have to look for other people to share with.


There is a lot of information missing which would help us give better advice, such as:
1. How reciprocal was the relationship? Did you listen to his troubles as much as he listened to yours?
2. Was the relationship centered around listening to troubles, or was it focused on common interests? IOW, did you guys have fun one on one?
3. Was this a situation where he saw you making the same mistakes over and over, instead of doing simple changes that he suggested? (This is the sort of friendship that always eventually dies out.)
4. INFJs tend to listen more than most other types. Could he be going through problems of his own that make him less able than usual to listen?
5. Finally, INFPs are very sensitive and vulnerable. They can sometimes get hurt by things more than the average person and can at times need more help than even an INFJ can give. Is it possible that this is the case? Do you think there could be some benefit from a professional counselor?
 

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Is there any chance you can solve the problems you've been telling him about? If so, I'd give the guy some space, sort my stuff out and then reapproach him.

It can be hard to change an INFJ's mind once they've decided not to associate with you anymore but it can be done, especially if the friendship was enjoyable for the most part. Some of us just a few months' space.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
I left a lot of details out because it is a REALLY long story.

He is definitely INFJ

1) We were close for awhile and he'd open up to me, but the circumstances of our relationship changed and he stopped.

2) yes, we had a tone of fun for awhile. It wasn't all bad, it just turned bad.

3) I tried to change, but he stopped being around me enough to see the changes I was actively trying to make. I had intentions to make more drastic changes, but something happened that made me extremely depressed, and I stopped trying as hard as I should have. So, he got frustrated

4) And yes he has a tone of issues of his own and was extremely busy the last few months. I just didn't know.

5) And yes, I am doing that. I wasn't wanting to be counseled, I was hoping that by opening up to him, he'd open up to me again.
 
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